Uncyclopedia:UnSignpost/Press Room

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Archives[edit]

2008[edit]

Archive 1: Issues #1, #2, #3
Archive 2: Issues #4, #5
Archive 3: Issues #6 - #10
Archive 4: Issues #11 - #13
Archive 5: Issues #14 - #17
Archive 6: Issues #18 - 24
Archive 7: Issues #25 - 27

2009[edit]

Archive 8: Issues #28 - 32
Archive 9: Issues #33 - 37
Archive 10: Issues #38 - 44
Archive 11: Issues #45 - 49
Archive 12: Issues #50 - 52
Archive 13: Issues #53 - 62
Archive 14: Issues #62 - 69
Archive 15: Issues #something - something else.

2010[edit]

Archive 16: Issues #seventy-something - 78
Archive 17: Issues #79 - 89
Archive 18: Issues #something - huh?

2011[edit]

Archive 19: Issues between 2010 and 2012

2012[edit]

Archive 20: The end of the Chief era (up to issue 160ish)

Latest issue  [edit]

Is here. Anyone want to deliver it? User:PuppyOnTheRadio/sig3

I can do. Might not be straight away, but I can do it. --ChiefjusticeDS 07:00, April 12, 2012 (UTC)

I'm putting up my idea for the article:[edit]

OK, may I introduce you to this article? And also, I want it recorded. 800px-Flag of the Philippines svg.png | King Joseph® GiratinaOriginForme.png | Contact Goa Tse Clan Priest | Goa Tse Clan Sign Up | Rouge.gif | 07:38, April 12, 2012 (UTC)
A Day in the Life of an Average Uncyclopedian
Co-written by Joe9320 and Qzekrom
As usual, I wake up in my bedroom. Yes, I do the usual: I ate my breakfast, which is Uncyclopedio's with toast, grape juice (I ran out of orange juice yesterday) and a nice cup of coffee. Then I showered and brushed my teeth, but not at the same time. Afterwards I put on my clothes, and headed straight to the Village Dump by the notoriously unreliable service that is the UTA Metro. At the Village Dump, I have a chat with the other fellow Uncyclopedians at a nice cafe called BHOP, where they sell cheerful pancakes with the words emblazoned, "Benson is better than you" on the plates. I saw a large counter in which the people count to a million, one by one. I thought to myself, by the time they reached a million, it would be 2020, or later. I contributed to the counter and... whoa, they'd gotten ahead 2,000 numbers since I'd left!


I left for work to write a new article for the Uncyclomedia Association (but the sign says "Cylon Ass" on its neon lights), which was a building made of leftover construction materials, concrete, tarpaulin and held with hope. And mostly hope, as about a year ago, the building crumbled killing over 300 people below it. The article was halfway complete from yesterday, so I manage to edit it. Unlike my boss, I can't destroy someone else's document, or put it in a file and call it "top secret". But I can make amends to documents, or even write a newer, better one.


There was an IP by the name of 68.343.245.130. He seemed to be a nice guy at least, but his first work was rubbish, so I talked to him on how he can improve it. This had gone for hours, and by the time I had given feedback to at least five IPs, it was the end of my shift. I simply went back home by subway, had a hearty meal, and cried myself to sleep. This had been my routine everyday since.

Joe - I stuck what you have so far into the next issue. If you come up with more we can put it in the one following, as the current issue is pretty full already. User:PuppyOnTheRadio/sig3

I put up another idea[edit]

I want this on;
ALL HAIL MR-EX777
Written By Mr-ex777

I'd like to recommend[edit]

This song as UnTune of the Week in honor of the ongoing VFS. -- [sire] EMC [TALK] 02:36 Apr 13 2012

The USP is completed  [edit]

... Two days ahead of schedule. If anyone wants to deliver it around 0:01 on the 19th (UTC) it would be appreciated. User:PuppyOnTheRadio/sig3

You can add this[edit]

If you want to, you can add this little entry I made into April 26th's UnSignpost. Matthlock Talk to me! I want to be Noob of the Month! Follow the yellow-eyed eagle to see what I've done for Uncyclopedia Check me out on Wikipedia! Daddy? Is that you? Bollywood! See what's new in the world today If you think I should be fired, follow this greedy dude One of my best friends was born in this country! (No joke) Visit the main page Visit me on Wookieepedia! I need some help with this article Check me out on the Final Fantasy wiki also! See me on Illogicopedia as well! Sandinista! Talk to me on Wikipedia! Follow the German to view my unusual musical tastes All hail the Grand Land of Quebec! 21:41, April 18, 2012 (UTC)

Add this.[edit]

This just happened on IRC and is like, wtf. I strongly suggest you add it.

[16:53] Mr-ex777 Filial Piety is not even funny

[16:53] =-= Mode #uncyclopedia +o RAHB by ChanServ

[16:54] =-= YOU (Mr-ex777) have been booted from #uncyclopedia by RAHB (Shut your dirty whore mouth.)

[16:54] -->| YOU (Mr-ex777) have joined #uncyclopedia

[16:54] RAHB Just kidding, Mr-ex.

[16:54] RAHB I <3 you.

--fcukmanLOOS3R! Desu desu.png 09:16, April 24, 2012 (UTC)

I'm not sure. IRC stuff hasn't been a regular part of USP in the past, and tbh I was there when this happened and didn't find it that amusing. I think if someone read this who han't been there it probably wouldn't be that funny to them either. I'll see how we go for content, but there are a few items that should be covered off as actual USP news this week. It might be time we started actually doing that again. User:PuppyOnTheRadio/sig3
Actually, there's some really good stuff in the IRC qotd vaults (or whatever they're called). If you can find some stuff from earlier years that might be better brough to light, I'd be more inclined to add that in. Easier just to throw the links in here rather than doing a huge text dump though. User:PuppyOnTheRadio/sig3

2012 VFS Derby: Final Race[edit]

Here Let me know if you think there should be editing and we could work on it together...or seomthing. --User:Shabidoo/sig 23:01, April 25, 2012 (UTC)

Linkipedia[edit]

You can now link to Wikipedia pages directly with [[wp:name of page]]. For example, if you wanted to read their article on Uncyclopedia, you would type [[wp:Uncyclopedia]] and it would look like wp:Uncyclopedia. I think it's called a hotcat or hotdog or hotburninglovepotato or some such thing. I didn't make it, but it works. Why do I need to provide this? 06:58, May 12, 2012 (UTC)

I'm back everybody![edit]

I'm Back

By PopGoesTheWeasel

School was tedious but the holidays is here, so after months of not editing Uncyclopedia, I'm back to regain my sense of humor(if I ever had one, which is probably not the case)! But I don't think anybody cares, so I'm going off to poop on Frosty's lawn again. Bye. --User:PopGoesTheWeasel/sig3 12:25, May 23, 2012 (UTC)

An endzone victory dance from your new overlord[edit]

Hi, I'm EMC, your family friendly fascist and tyrant. Having been at Uncyclopedia for almost seven years, I have seen some shit. A lot of it I can't talk about because of some gag orders which are still in effect. Some of it I don't want to talk about because even thinking about it gives me sympathy pains in my groin.

But one thing I had never seen before was me becoming an administrator. One month ago, this was something which only happened in my wettest of dreams. Thanks to my mother's influence, I was able to win VFS. Once this happened, I felt obligated to write this UnSignpost piece about this extraordinary blessing known as me.

I will start from the beginning and finish at the end. I was born just like everyone else. Sometime shortly after that, I discovered Uncyclopedia. Seven years later, I became an administrator. As you can see, my life can be summed up as a series of successes followed by more success.

I invite you all to follow the example I have set for you in my years of servicing Uncyclopedians serving Uncyclopedia. I can assure you that a life in service to Uncyclopedia will become a life of attractive foreign women consenting to your penis for a change. Be more like me. Get born. Discover Uncyclopedia. Become an admin. Make a USP article about yourself.

Success awaits you, especially if you are me.

Delivery[edit]

Hello all, I have completed an UnSignpost for tomorrow, could somebody deliver it? I have no idea if anyone has a bot available for the task, but if someone could chuck it onto talk pages at some point tomorrow I would be hugely appreciative. --ChiefjusticeDS 14:31, June 13, 2012 (UTC)

Again[edit]

See above for the begging, please could someone deliver the USP? Here it is. --ChiefjusticeDS 12:10, June 20, 2012 (UTC)

Doesn't matter, done now. --ChiefjusticeDS 00:52, June 21, 2012 (UTC)

No issue this week[edit]

That's right there's no UnSignpost, at least not from me this week. The next UnSignpost will be on July 5th. This will undoubtedly come as a major relief to all of you.. --ChiefjusticeDS 19:04, June 26, 2012 (UTC)

Delivery[edit]

Here. Please God could somebody help me out with it this week? --ChiefjusticeDS 18:45, July 4, 2012 (UTC)

Done, again. I'm going to kill myself if I have to keep doing the delivery. --ChiefjusticeDS 09:07, July 5, 2012 (UTC)

The latest meme[edit]

is Template:Boner. Heck, I was thinking about creating Barack Obama's userpage and John Boehner's userpage which utilize the template. Is this worth a mention? --User:Qzekrom/sig7 00:13, July 12, 2012 (UTC)

I'll use it for something I'm sure. --ChiefjusticeDS 13:47, July 12, 2012 (UTC)

Delivery[edit]

I would be willing to do it if someone would show me how to do it. Let me know what you think of this proposal. --User:Oliphaunte/sig2 23:02, July 12, 2012 (UTC)

It's not too difficult to do it manually, just go here then add a new section to the first talk page containing the USP template. Rinse and repeat until you run out of talk pages, it's literally as simple as it sounds. --ChiefjusticeDS 10:19, July 13, 2012 (UTC)
Ok, I'll take care of the next round. Let me know when it's up. --User:Oliphaunte/sig2 15:52, July 14, 2012 (UTC)
Here is the USP for this week. Delivery tomorrow morning please. --ChiefjusticeDS 18:20, July 18, 2012 (UTC)

A Song of Ice and Fire[edit]

Isn't that the story of the human heart? The fight between fear and passion, between kindness and meanness, between pwn3d and pwnz0r? It's always two forces, at constant war with one another, until the heart stops beating. But then again, it is but one heart amongst many, and so the war goes on for years and years, with ice winning and then losing, and then fire winning, and then losing. And the efforts of the great men who built this wonderful civilization before us have always striven to achieve the balance between these ubiquitous opposites. For ice shall freeze us, and fire shall burn us, but the middle component, the in-between, nourishes us. And the in-between component I speak of, is water.

We always speak of following the middle path, of moderation, of not going to extremes. Well, water is the epitome of moderation! How queer is it, that if you heat a bucket of ice over fire you get water, but only if the ice is heated IN MODERATION! Indeed, water has always given us the best of both worlds! When ice was melted by the fire from the sun, the resultant water ended up becoming the very medium in which the first living organisms thrived! Is it a coincidence that even after all these years of evolution and extinction, 70% of the body weight of man is still water? Is it a coincidence that no living being (except for dormant-ass seedlings) can survive for long without a regular hit of H2O to keep it alive?

I think not. Water is always straddling the middle path between ice and fire. Unlike ice, we can swallow it without it clogging our windpipe, and unlike fire, it won't burn our dear skin if we touch it. And water always nourishes us, keeps us alive and well! We all rose from the water, and to the water returns all our piss and shit! People have always wondered, what is the middle path? What is the balance we all seek? I say, the balance is water. The middle path is water! The answer to all conflicts and dilemmas that plague our life- is WATER! --Lord Scofield Stark 09:54, July 18, 2012 (UTC)

I think they would have used 'Earth, Wind and Fire' but that had already been taken. --RomArtus Imperator(talk) 09:58, July 18, 2012 (UTC)
Japan was always one step ahead. And my essay is meant for the next issue of the UnSignpost, as the fact that I posted it in the press room clearly suggests. --Lord Scofield Stark 10:03, July 18, 2012 (UTC)

My first UnSignpost article[edit]

Uncyclopedia Needs More Vandals

By One Step Away From Copyright Violation

Yeah, you heard me, <insert name here>. Uncyclopedia needs more vandals. Why, you may ask. Why would we need more annoying basement-dwellers to ban? Well, I'll tell you.

As all of you may have noticed, Uncyclopedia has been going through some inactivity lately, to the point where users who haven't signed on since who knows when are becoming more active on the site than users who check the website everyday. It seems our competitor has been gaining more activity than us, and we can't let that happen, now can we? There's only one way to get our activity back up: recruit vandals.

Most vandals are EDiots anyway (of course, the best vandals are admins), so if we attract some vandals here, maybe they'll attract some more writers! And... er...

Second thought, we don't need more vandals. Vandals suck and they should die.

Well, that's my first article. What do you think? ~[ths] the magic! My Farticles. Qaplá'! Gobshite of the Month March 2012 18:56, 07/19/2012

I'll put it into the next USP, I may make some minor alterations but you are welcome to reverse those if you aren't happy with them. Keep an eye out for the next USP. --ChiefjusticeDS 19:41, July 19, 2012 (UTC)
Alright, but it will still be credited to me, right? ~[ths] the magic! My Farticles. Qaplá'! Gobshite of the Month March 2012 20:09, 07/19/2012
Entirely. --ChiefjusticeDS 20:30, July 19, 2012 (UTC)
Apologies for not putting this in this week, the USP got started by POTR and then Socky added a story. I haven't forgotten this one and I will get it in next week. --ChiefjusticeDS (talk) 05:44, July 26, 2012 (UTC)

Delivery[edit]

Here it is. --ChiefjusticeDS (talk) 05:44, July 26, 2012 (UTC)

Done. --User:Oliphaunte/sig2 15:31, July 26, 2012 (UTC)

Delivery[edit]

Here is this week's issue, if someone could proofread it quickly that would be superb. I have to leave for work in about 5 minutes so I can't do that. Please and thank you. --ChiefjusticeDS 11:37, August 9, 2012 (UTC)

Why, again, are we counting to a million?[edit]

By One Step Away From Copyright Violation

Ever since 2008, Uncyclopedia has had a tradition of counting to a million. Started by Spang, this tradition has been going on for nearly five years. However, recently the question was asked relating to the value of the forum, with users complaining that it was "completely devoid of humor" and that it turns smart users into idiots.

After mass protest (okay, not really) from the contributors of the thread and from someone else, said users commented on the forum saying that counting to a million is why so many articles supposedly suck nowadays and it's also why VFH is completely empty. It has also been stated that only idiots would do it.

So now I'm attempting to answer it as quickly as I can: that's the point. We're idiots and we know that we're never going to make it to a million, but we want to see how close we can get anyway.

So if you are the type of idiot that would write for Uncyclopedia, feel free to assist us in our count to one million, or close to.

So I feel I've been mentioned in the UnSignpost many times, and I think I'd like to write another article for it. Probably not as funny as last time, but still, tell me what you think about it. ~[ths] the magic! My Farticles. Qaplá'! Gobshite of the Month March 2012 00:09, 08/13/2012

Gut feeling is it's too confrontational a tone. After all, Hypster is actually commenting as he wants to help the wiki. While you and he have differing opinions, it's no reason to attack him. Change the tone to The question was asked relating to the value of the forum... it has been stated that only idiots would... and the last part So if you are the type of idiot that would write for Uncyclopedia, feel free to assist us in our count to one million, or close to. Again, this is all opinion, but I wouldn't use USP to continue an argument in creative differences, but I would to support my perspective. User:PuppyOnTheRadio/sig3
Hi and thanks for your feedback. I have changed it accordingly. I don't want to mock Hypster. ~[ths] the magic! My Farticles. Qaplá'! Gobshite of the Month March 2012 01:32, 08/13/2012
I'll put it in next week's USP. Sorry for missing it this time around, I just didn't see it. My fault entirely, feel free to beat me with a stick. --ChiefjusticeDS 18:50, August 22, 2012 (UTC)

Delivery[edit]

If I have to deliver it again I will kill myself to death. Please have mercy on me. It's here. --ChiefjusticeDS 18:51, August 22, 2012 (UTC)

Anyone for this week? --ChiefjusticeDS 13:45, September 5, 2012 (UTC)