Underworld (2003 film)

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“That girl? I taught her everything she knows”

~ Chuck Norris on Selene

“She can definitely kick ass”

~ Captain Obvious on Selene

“Blood donation made pleasant”

~ Oscar Wilde on Selene
The real war the vampires are into. Breaking expensive Maseratis

Underworld is a movie documentary about a vampirette named Selene. Selene is an assassin dedicated to the servitude of the european vampire coven (based in Amsterdam, Netherlands, and run by a bunch of vampire Nazi folks), and she is also famous for her black leather wardrobe and of course her magnificent one night stands and wild parties.

Her most favorite past times include hunting down werewolves with her never-running-out-of-bullets guns, which is very fortunate, and finding new ways of wrecking other's people cars that let her drive, which is very unfortunate.

Immerse yourself into the hypnotizing eyes of this hottie. Admire her sleek perfectual curves. Her lethal beauty. Come on! Admit it. You like her, you love her, you want her. You know what to do


Selene Facts[edit]

  • If you lined every bullet Selene has used during the last 100 years up end-to-end, the resulting chain would stretch from the Earth to the moon and almost halfway back.
  • Yeti has to do frequent shaving, due to his fear of being confused by Selene as a werewolf.
  • Global warming is caused to a 60% by the heat produced by Selene's guns.
  • The last thing that goes through a werewolf's mind when encounters Selene is always the same. A silver bullet.

Dating Selene[edit]

Many people want to, thank all those Dracula movies glorifying female fang-owners for that, so let's cut to the chase, and here is all you need to know:

Advantages of dating Selene[edit]

  • The sexiness
  • Skin-tight black leather
  • Wealthiness
  • Blood-drinking chick
  • Hates everything that has a fur on it
  • And most importantly... Michael the hybrid will fuck you up

Disadvantages of dating Selene[edit]

  • Her fangs, although good looking, will scratch anything that gets in her mouth (yes, you little prick, I do mean everything!)
  • People will look strange at both of you due to her outfit (no, it's not because they are jealous)
  • 600 year old virgin (really!)

The impulse that started the making of the Underworld movie documentary[edit]

Which one of these is the motorshow, and which one the movie with the raging werewolves?

Fact: No cloned blood has ever been approved by any government for medical use (Did I forgot to say that the vampires made cloned blood that hoped to sell as medical supply in order to make millions? Whoops, spolier!). However, the european/nazi/whatever vampire coven was in desperate need of cash so that they could continue buying and breaking as many expensive cars as possible. So Selina made a deal with director Len Wiseman (well known for his movies with the fictional character Kate Beckinsale) to make a film biography of her life.

Since the public was already fed up of motorshows with losers breaking expensive cars, they decided to deliberately start a war with the werewolves. The war was supposed to be secret. The script was supposed to be all blood and gore (but ended-up showing Selene breaking expensive cars, of course). Len was supposed to become rich (but latter lost everything when he divorced Selene, who had married during filming).

The movie documentary[edit]

-Selene:Are you on viagra again, honey? -Len: What makes you think of that?

The original movie documentary was in *ahem* tight budget. The fortunate thing was that, since Len Wiseman and the rest of the crew were in pills causing artificial erection during filming, the movie documentary ended up filmed in blue-white, which helped trim the coloring cost significantly. As a result, the film didn't exeeded it's 2,4$ initial budget. Also, most of the filming was done in a city landscape, as promised by the ruler of the city of Amsterdam, who also happens to be the ruler of the european vampire nazi coven, which resulted in reducing the cost of the movie even more, as the inhabitants were glad to lend their homes and streets for filming if they wanted to keep their heads attached to their necks.

The racism against Werewolves[edit]

Poor saps, they were shown as the filthy, ugly, angry and rabid creatures of the night. Now everybody in these front rows can feel delighted every time Selene Hotpants and her partners take out one more of these creatures, in their effort to get the world rid of the werewolf menance. I mean, who cares who is in the right side of the war? Vampires are cool, so we will stick with them! Die werewolves, die! You and your horrible stench. Of course, Selene and her partners are all fascist trash, who, at the start of the film are presented as the most saint, protective, fair-judging vampires of the whole damn world, but lets skip that and focus on the real purpose of the film (Selene's ass). Now, cheer for the vampires people. I said, cheer for the vampires people! Yeah, know you 're right, that's how Len wants you to watch the movie.

The Underworld curse[edit]

Selene:You wait right here, Scott. I 'll just drop-off to Hollywood and quickly divorce Len, and then I 'll be all yours, ok?

Besides her obvious advantages, Selene has difficulties in getting herself a decent boyfriend for a quite long period of time. This happens due to the Underworld curse: everytime a new Undeworld film gets released announced, she is forced to break up dump like a used tissue the previous guy, and rub herself into a new one in order to be able to provide hot vampire XXX action for the new film

List of break ups:[edit]

  • Underworld 1: Michael Sheen goes, rubs herself into Len Wiseman (action here was besides the scenes, but this made her so badass in-movie)
  • Underworld, gimme hard your Evolution: Len got enough of her, time for Scot Speedman to get some (stupidly missplaced scence in a wearhouse, with hypothetically hot action (Scot was too high to reach, the moron) in her belly button (omg!), but with a strategically placed hand infront of b00bs).
  • Underworld Promiscuity: (under production) The relatiosnship with Scot isn't going as expected (Seen that punk'd episode? No? You missed...), but it still quite holds stong, but, hey, they are still filming. Info about the new guy will be released as it becomes available.

See also[edit]