Unfomercials:Uncyclopedia Krazy Kemistry Set
Real, Unpaid Child (C): (playing with inferior chemistry set) Wheee! This is fun!
Dr. Uncyclopedia (Dr. U):(suddenly appears, grabs chemistry set out of child's hands) ...What the hell is this? (points at inferior, unfun chemistry set) What the HELL is this?!
C: (looks around nervously) Wha-what? Who are you? I'm sorry!
Dr. U:Let's spice things up, Uncyclopedia style.
C: Wha-what are you doing in my house??
Dr. U:I'm a genuine doctor! I'm here to tell you that this chemistry set you have here is shitty, and that those so called GENUINE chemists who made that chemistry set basically stole your money! You don't want those filthy chemists stealing your money do ya, kid?
C: (incoherent sobbing)
Dr. U:Listen, forget your troubles and follow me to Chemistry Land!
- (Dr. Uncyclopedia opens up a rift in the space-time continuum, pending explanation.)
C: I don' wanna!
Dr. U:(throws cigar on the ground in disgust) Kid, listen, you're either coming with me alive... OR NOT.
C: *SNIFF* okay...
- (Sniveling, unpaid child collects safety goggles and gloves for the trip to Chemistry Land.)
Dr. U:Whoa, what the hell are you doing? You're not going to need those where we're going- you see, Chemistry Land isn't for NERDS who care about safety n' shit.
C: All right Dr. Uncyclopedia, but will I get to see my mommy and daddy again?
Dr. U:Kid, yer lucky you even HAVE parents. I doubt they remember who you are, anyway.
- (Dr. U and Child overcome their differences and jump into the rift.)
Dr. Science McLabcoat: What the- Mr. Uncyclopedia?? What are you doing here? I thought I told you to pack your shit and- did you bring a child here?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? PUT ON SOME PANTS!!
Dr. U:(pulls out tire-iron from his far-too-small labcoat) Listen, nerd: It's DOCTOR Uncyclopedia, and I'm here to show this kid the TRUE meaning of chemistry!
Dr. Science McBoring: Ho-kay, c'mon, let's not do anything hasty, okay?
- (Dr. Uncyclopedia commences a vicious pummeling of Dr. Science McNerd. Dr. Lame-o's body is in a heap on the ground. Child starts crying again like a little bitch who's never seen a beating before.)
Dr. U:Shhh Shhh Shhh, little one: do not be afraid: This is a time for fun, not tears! ...Fun! FUN FUN FUN!! God dammit!
- (Dr. U points to a burlap sack that says "UNCYC KEMIZTRY" on a table right in front of him.)
Dr. U:*GASP* What's that in the distance?? Is that... no! It can't be! It's the Uncyclopedia's Krazy Kemistry Kit Kataclysm Don't-Tell-Your-Parents Funbag!!
C: (through tears) Why shouldn't I tell my parents, Dr. Uncyclopedia?
Dr. U:(Belches, rubs gigantic stomach) Kid, this chemistry set will fuck you up. ...especially since you didn't bring any safety equipment!
C: But you said-
Dr. U:(pulls out revolver from his disgustingly too small labcoat) What? What'd I say? I am NOT going back to JAIL!
- (Dr. U steadies himself and, after a few deep breaths, puts his gun away.)
Dr. U:(wipes sweaty brow with an unidentified furry object that was laying motionless on the ground) Okay, kid, here's the UncycloTech Chemistry set: what kinda shit we got in there?
C: (obviously frightened) It just looks like a bunch of different colored liquids.
Dr. U:*COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH HHHHHHCCCHHAAAAAACCKKK pi-TUEY!* "Liquids"? *COUGH COUGH* This ain't school you bastard, *COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH* and you're not my smartass teacher!
C: (screaming) I'M SORRY! I'M SO SORRY!
Dr. U:(laughs) Don't worry kid, I like ya: you got spunk. Did you know that the Uncyclopedia Krazy Kemistry Set was created using information taken completely from Uncyclopedia?
C: Uncyclopedia? Is that that humor wiki?
Dr. U:That's right, Timmy, it's completely made of chemicals! We developed it all by ourselves, no thanks to that filthy home for "facts" and liberal misinformation, Wikipedia, or that other liberal paradise for scientist homofeminazis, Conservapedia: All red-blooded, neo-conservative Uncyc. For example, did you know that Hydrogen's sister is Helium, and that they were both raised by Auntie Neutrino?
Dr. U:Or that Boron "was removed from the Periodic Table in 2002 to avoid unwanted media attention"?
C: That... makes no sense!
Dr. U:Uncyclopedian scientists have recently discovered that Carbon "was first invented by caveman Patrick Moore in the year 350 BC OMG LOL OSCAR WILDE"! Isn't that fucking amazing?! We's smart n' shit! Now, sniff a few of those chemicals and tell me what they are. Oh, and uh, mix a few of 'em up and then give em all a good snort!
C: (laughs maniacally) OH GOD! I CAN SEE FOREVER!! (fires revolver out back window)
Dr. U:(Scratching his XXXL beaver costume with remaining hand) Kid, I'm so sorry I called you a nerd back there! THOSE CHEMICALS YOU MADE ARE TRANSFORMING MY LIFE!!
- (Chemistry Land cop car swerves to miss bullets, flies into nearby embankment)
Dr. U:(bursts through car roof) YEAH! YEAH SUCK ON IT BITCHES! HAHAHAHAHA!! *COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH*
- (Dr. Uncyclopedia jumps out of the speeding car, gets up, and drunkenly walks over to the overturned cop car.)
Dr. U:(begins urinating on overturned, flaming cop car) I'M GOD!!! I'M FUCKING GOD RIGHT NOW!!! HAHAHAHA!!
- (Child doesn't even notice that Dr. Uncyc is gone, and hungrily drinks from a beaker of some green stuff; speeds off into distance.)
Uncyclopedia's Krazy Kemistry Kit Kataclysm Don't-Tell-Your-Parents Funbag!!
ONLY $99.99 PLUS S/H DON'T-TELL-YOUR-PARENTS!!!