Unification theory

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Unification theory is the philosophy that every existing, theoretical, and nonexisting field of science, philosophy, art, consciousness, emotion, and religion - indeed every conceivable and unconceivable aspect of the Universe - can be unified as the sum of one fantastic equation. It supposes the possibility of expressing the whole of existence (and non-existence, and hypothetical existence) as a simple equation, one that -- if it could be understood -- would launch mankind into a higher plane of being beyond our wildest imagination, or at least help us get laid once in a while..

One strong possibility is that the equation is the universe itself, and therefore too complex to be comprehended. Another possibility is the exact opposite, that the equation is so simple it's invisible. By merging these two possibilities, we learn that:

∞ = 0

Since the largest theoretical number is equal to the complete absence of numbers, this would imply that all numbers are equal to each other and that the IRS owes us all six billion dollar tax refunds.

However, using unification theory for tax purposes is like using the Jaws of Life to steal car radios. The actual purpose of the theory is to show that any two (or more) topics are intrinsically related. As an example, the theory, once articulated, will demonstrate gravity and love are the same: A largely unknown universal force with the sole purpose of pulling things towards each other. Similarly, it will demonstrate that not only are Clark Kent and Superman the same person; they are also the same person as your mom. It will demonstrate that Soylent Green is people, but only because everything is people, and people are everything, and Honey Nut Cheerios are also people. Which I've suspected all along.

The first physicist to fully articulate unification theory is certain to win a Nobel Prize - which, ironically, he will have proven to be exactly the same thing as a piece of cat poop.

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