United Kingdom of Britannia (and Northern Pangaea)

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Penisland (Pronounced "Pen Island")
The Divided Kingdom of Britain and (once) Northern Iceland
127335bf.gif Flag of The Holy Empire of Britannia.gif
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "We used to rule you bastards", "Ou-est la gare, s'il vous plait?"
Anthem: "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band"
UK Geography.jpg
Capital Nova Wolverhampton
Largest city Tesco
Official language(s) Scouse, Bollocks, Scotchish, Walesh, Cornwallish,Barnslish, Norn Iron Speak, Mannish, Arabic, Hindustani, Pakistani, Chinese and Vietnamese
Government Elected Dictatorship
Queen Lizzie Borden
‑ Prime Minister Straw Hat Montgomery
‑ High Chancellor Adam Sutler
National Hero(es) Umang Seebs
 of Independence
(from Big Brother in 1984
Currency Spliff
Religion Pastafarianism

The United Kingdom (technically a Queendom at the moment) is better known as England or New Poland to the rest of the world, le manifique to the French or The Yookay to Cockneys. England beat the French at rugby all the time because France are crap at rugby. It is located near the top, in the middle, and is actually in a prime location to poo on any country sitting directly beneath it. It is also centred on the very spot where time began. It is, without doubt, the most glorious and wonderful place in the universe, and the envy of the rest of the World. So much so that the Americans attempted to copy the British language, getting fairly close but struggling to pronounce/spell some of the more complex words correctly, such as colour, which has TWO syllables and as such is too long to be allowed into the American attempt at English without being spelt incorrectly.

Often abbreviated to the vowel and consonant 'UK' (and sometimes pronounced "Yuck"), it is the second most free country of the entire world, even going as far as to give freedom to the police to arrest and hold without evidence anyone who looks a little bit too Arabic. Prostitutes are free too. To blackmail any politician (such as Lembit Opik) that they like.

Because of its exquisite history in producing the world's best food, it is the undisputed most influential nation on earth. It is also the world's richest nation, most of which moneys it nicked from France, which in turn nicked it directly from Egypt and India. Being kind generous souls however, we let them keep most stuff in the Chad.

In fact, Britain's population is so rich, that over 90% of its inhabitants can't actually afford to live there. As a consequence therefore, most of them own houses in Spain, France and Italy too. Countries in which the United Queendomers are all happily welcomed due to their famed willingness to absorb new cultures and learn new languages (they do this by speaking Engerlish slowly, and loudly, and by pointing a lot). The other 10 %, made mostly of their foreign population (Pakistani and Indians), live in fantastic conditions, like sewage pipes, cardboard boxes or trash cans....you know, the large ones people throw sharp broken bottles in. England cares for all its population.

British housing itself is famed for its robustness, especially since 1997, when real clay bricks were first used to support the plywood and plasterboard structures. After moving into his brand new Barratt house, one of my friends lived happily for nearly 2 whole months before the water tank asploded in the attic one evening, rotting the floorboards and causing the bed he was sleeping in to fall through the downstairs ceiling and into the kitchen instantly killing the cat who was innocently napping in his basket dreaming of his breakfast which lay unharmed in the unopened fridge. A tragic tale for any nation that loves its pets (and sheep) so dearly. But still, there was a happy ending to the story: the excess water from the roof caused the fish-tank to overflow, allowing the imprisoned goldfish to make it as far as the sewers, from where he managed to reach the ocean and live happily ever after in Bermuda (a group of islands which have nothing to do with Britain whatsoever).

According to UNICEF, the UK is the best place in the world to be a child (so long that its bed isn't in the kitchen next to the cat's basket). The United States came a close second [1] after it persuaded the nice people at the United Nations that a measure of child's happiness is in direct proportion to the number of Big Macs it consumes each year (research funded by Burger King, a group which is also accustomed (much like women) to coming second on a frequent basis).

And it's true that the UK is the best place to grow up, if they don't mind waiting weeks to get a flu shot and want a giant dose of pretentiousness instead of said flu shot. And I mean, sure they don't have to worry about becoming obese like Americans since they'll be so thin and pasty that a doctor can diagnose cancer by taking a good look at them.

The Queendom is now a member state of the European Union, which it often claims to have been founded 20 years after the opening ceremony. Britain's main role in this union is to finance French farmers to grow crops that nobody wants to eat, and allow Spanish fishermen to steal its cod.


Pre-Roman Times[edit]

Very little is known about Britain's pre-Celtic peoples. One thing is abundantly clear though, and that is that they liked rocks. All around both Britain and Ireland they constructed arrangements of rocks so big that modern people assumed they must have had the help of an alien civilization to move them. The most famous rock sculpture in Britain is called Stonehenge, a name which nearly makes sense, because it is made of stone though nobody really knows just what a "henge" is. The rocks in Stonehenge are especially big, and some of them are stacked on top of other ones. Modern minds were perplexed about how ancient people could move such giant rocks. The mystery was finally solved when Norwegian explorer Tor Heyerdahl visited "Easter Island," another place where people move giant rocks around. The natives of the island explained that in fact, the rocks weren't moved by a single person, but rather by many people at once. For the very largest rocks they employed such amazingly advanced technology as ropes, levers, and stacks of other rocks.

Heyerdahl's theory is bitterly opposed by the people of Ireland, who have always insisted that the rocks were put in place by giants. The chief of these giants was supposedly named Finn McCool. Ireland's tourism industry was for a long time dependent on storytellers relating the tales of how Finn went around decorating the land with big rocks just for the hell of it. While the Irish legends have been tarnished, there is yet one unexplained rock structure. It is huge statue over fifty feet high and stretching all the way from Britain's west coast to its east coast. In later days when Romans arrived, they marvelled at this ancient wall that even their advanced Roman engineering would have taken them years to construct. The Emperor of Rome, seeing most Romans could not believe primitives could build such a thing, declared that it had in fact been built on his orders and named it Hadrian's Wall. Since Britain was far away, ordinary Romans never knew or recorded the deception. Since it was never written down, "Hadrian's deception" was never revealed until the Irish needed it to be revealed. Now Irish bards hold that Finn's Wall (sic) was built on the advice of an old sage who foresaw how much the English and Scots would hate each other, and tried to separate them forever for their own good. This same magician also was responsible for Ireland floating away from mainland Britain so as to be protected from both Brits and Scots.

Who those ancient movers-of-rocks were is as yet unsolved, but after them came Celts and Druids. Which are the same thing really, Druids are Celts who worship trees and believe in nature. Druids are responsible for the myth that Stonehenge was built for astronomical purposes, and they even hold religious rites there, acting like they built the place or something. Druids became known for believing in many mysterious and weird things, occasionally sacrificing people, and having holidays like Beltain and Samhain on the solstices and equinoces. For example, the Vernal Equinox holiday was a time when all young men and women were expected to pair up and run off together into the bushes to screw all day long. These holidays made the Druids fairly popular despite the human sacrifices, and even after the Romans had arrived, ruled, and left, there were Druids around, including Arthur's magician, Merlyn. Celts were also known for drawing loop-de-loop things that they pretended were ropes.

Roman Times[edit]

There is no point relating the history of Roman Britain since it's part of the history of the Roman Empire. Go read it there if you like.

King Arthur, Aelle and Cerdic[edit]

Post-Roman Britain was first ruled by King Arthur, who seized power after the Roman Empire left, on the grounds that he was a Roman and hadn't left, so he should be in charge. He ruled well and had a magician who could amaze dumb people and knights who could go on quests and fight bad knights.

The Britons accepted Arthur's claim to the throne but some foreigners did not. These foreigners were helped by Arthur's son Medraut. They were mostly Germans and many of them were vile sodomites. With Medraut's help, Cerdic the Saxon landed in the Northeast and captured some territory, and Aelle the Also-A-Saxon landed in the Southeast. Because his name was so confusing he was persuaded to change it to Aelle the Angle, to match Southeast's diagonal direction.

Thus began the Saxon wars, which can still be almost read about in the Saxon Chronicle, and almost heard in the gibberish of a welsh bard. Arthur had the advantage of Merlyn, and knights, and a magic cup that nobody could find. The Germans were widely loathed but they had brought a revolutionary concept, the idea of not-being-a-slave. Saxons were all given their own land to grow what they could, and raise farm animals, which they liked doing, if you know what I mean by "doing." This style of rule won many people over from Arthur's Roman style of everyone-is-a-slave-except-the-owner. Many vicious battles were fought, and Medraut was killed. Ultimately Arthur realized he could never get rid of Cerdic and Aelle, and a compromise was negotiated. Under the terms of the agreement, Cerdic and Aelle won control of most of England, but had to agree to abandon the ridiculous policy of people-not-being-slaves. Arthur was forced to retreat to Wales, but was given the official title of Legend and it was decreed that he would be known as King of Britain, even if he didn't actually rule the Saxons.

Little written record exists from the Briton side of the conflict, because Arthur sold the rights to the story to the bard Taelysin, a half-wit who could barely write and mostly made up crazy songs about monsters and dragons. The Saxons recorded all in their Chronicle, except for their nasty habits.

Early History[edit]

Many of the Elvis Fans came here to realize that i was great. My name is Elvis D. Some of you know me after all we all go to the same school. Now EAT MY SHIT. said the man who screamed wolf. Despite mythological claims of earlier civilizations, tribes, and sheep (all of whom got on together famously if folklore is to be believed), it is widely accepted (as hinted above), that during the moment of creation[2], God put Britain at the centre of the universe, where he introduced morality, and the right to practice the crusades on dark and evil people (ref. earlier note about Arabs).

After Arabic, Jewish and Catholic people were kicked out, the country eventually became united. Oh, and in the meanwhile the Roman Empire and the French invaded it twice - no big deal, it was just a way to create a hybrid language that all Europe would understand easily, English. This is thanks mainly to the invention of the Magnum Cart (not only a refrigeration unit on wheels designed to store delicious frozen confectioneries for wholesale purposes, but also), an Act of Union which politically united the nations of Gingerland, Sheepland, Guinessland and Toffland. The United Kingdom has proudly embraced the tradition of enforcing the spread of democracy, culture and language upon unsuspecting far away peoples ever since. These practices of good will and selfless altruism still continue to this day.[3]

Welsh Accession[edit]

The creation of the United Kingdom was a gradual process, spanning three centuries, starting in 1284 during the annual Welsh "North - South Scrummage". The traditional Rugby ball shaped pigs bladder was inadvertently kicked over the border into English territory. A debate ensued, and it was decided that Jones ap Jones, of the illustrious Jones the Ball-Getter family should journey into the English lands to ask for the return of the ball.

After meeting with the Englishman "William the Total-Bastard", it was agreed that the ball would be returned only if the entire Welsh nation closed their eyes for five minutes while it was being returned.

When the Welsh people opened their eyes, they discovered that their whole country had been nicked, and that William the Total-Bastard had in fact NOT earned his name as a result of an unfortunate family circumstance in his early life.

Scottish Accession[edit]

Scotland joined the Union in 1707 when a dispute arose during the bi-weekly "See how far you can throw a Haggis into England" competition.

King James the Last of Scotland threw what would have been a record breaking distance, had the haggis not have been returned straight away during the inaugural English "Throw the Haggis back at the thieving Northern Tossers" competition.

Incensed at the attitude of the Southerners, and mightily pissed off at narrowly missing out on the all-you-can-eat haggis buffet, King James the Last assembled his army and began the great invasion of England.

The reason that the Great Invasion is not mentioned in many school textbooks these days is because King James, still very much drunk after his night of revelry, actually headed North and invaded his own country, decimating the local population.

After the English had stopped laughing, they stepped over the border and captured the enemy city of Edinburgh, little did they know, King James got sober quick and took London. So, they settled on a truce and shared Britain 50/50.

The Highlanders weren't at all happy about this arrangement, as the people of Edinburgh weren't really Scottish and the English treated the Highlanders like a bunch of kilt-wearing, stomach-eating peasants- which, of course, is what they were.

Scotland left the Union in 1999, but no one seemed to notice.

English Accession[edit]

England was officially founded in the 8th century AD, when a group of geographically challenged settlers from the Germanic state of Saxony headed "East".

The idea of a united kingdom incorporating the whole of the British Isles very much appealed to the English people. After trying and failing for many years to entice the surrounding Celtic nations to join in a great union, the English decided to resort to trickery and cunning to create their dream nation.

To bring this about, they employed the services of the great Swedish trickster "Sven Klever-Kuntson".

Although moderately successful (he managed to bring about the accession of the Welsh and Scottish, which is amazing really, considering the five hundred year time difference), he failed completely when it came to the Irish question.

This is usually attributed to the fact that no-one could understand the Irish question, as it was slurred and in a peculiar accent.

Northern Ireland[edit]

No one actually gives a shit about Northern Ireland. Its a pointless country that england stole from Bono in the 20th century. The Queen doesn't really give a shit about Northern ireland, so give dictatorship to St.Ian Paisley of Orange He decided to shit on catholics cause he didnt like the Pope ever since the Pope decided Paisley was a fat shit. This caused great outrage within those ones wanted to stay part of Bonoland so the IBA (Irish Bonoist Assossiation) decided to set out to kill Paisley. Paisley fled to Ballymena in 2006 and has not been seen since so big robbo took his place. The Biggot/Orange Order was set up to commemerate paisley and every 12th of July the biggots walk pasts Bonoists to annoy the hell out off them. Then the people of Ardoyne throw Petrolbombs to keep them away.

Pastimes in N.I include yer ma jokes (basically yo mama jokes), drinking, fighting, shouting and biggotory.

The Building of Engrand[edit]

Winston Churchill, who got a bit depressed in the 1930's with the Wall Street Crash, which the Americans caused and then made worse, decided that the people of England needed a holiday. (He conveniently forgot Wales and Scotland). He therefore ordered his builders to build Engrand, a holiday resort which would be free for the British public to visit. For 55 years, the names of 250,000 people would be picked out of a hat, and they would get to go to Engrand, in the Mediterranean for 2 weeks, with their family. It was closed in 1990 because the Government needed more money, and there was never gonna be another recession was there, no way! In this current recession, Gordon Brown has rejected the idea of reopening Engrand, though he may open a new holiday destination called Scorland, for the Scots.

Modern History[edit]

Britain was first opened at Christmas 1972 as the 51st state of America by the Merlin Entertainments Group. Its main attraction being badly controlled realistically dangerous explosions coming from underground train stations. After a close referendum in 2003 where the voting public chose by a 100% to 99% margin not to become the 51st US State under the official name "The United States of Great Engur Land (featuring Scotland)", the UK agreed to a dubious compromise with the US. The agreement stated that the UK would enter the Iraq War (Part II)TM as allies of the US, in return for not being invaded themselves. Apparently one Tony Blair took the phrase "if you're not with us, you're against us" quite literally, and until the day he finally ran away was hoping that his mate George would help him conquer France. Unfortunately, George had problems of his own by that time, and as a compromise to the original compromise decided that Tony could have the Olympics instead.

Perhaps one of the Queendom's chief exports is that of comedy (not that frequenters of this site could ever comprehend such a concept). The British (a word sometimes subdivided into two consecutive syllables - "B-ritish"), are famed for their dryness in this regard. Apart from the obvious advantage of sheltering the native inhabitant from the rain, communication by such means also guarantees a secure method of information-sharing which is incomprehensible to nosy Americans with oversized ears and bellies. The Germans called this method of communication an Enigma. The B-ritish call it sarcasm. Great B-ritish comedians such as Jim Davidson, Les Dennis and Michael Barrymore exhibit none of the above mentioned Enigmatic skills, and of them all John Prescott came closest to the mark when he subtly punched a passer by in the face on live TV.[4]

While 12 out of 10 doctors affirm that the United Kingdom is indeed the exact mathematical equivalent of Britain, on the 22nd December 1994 this premise was proven to be untrue (source: Scottish Journal of Scientific Proof). Currently there is controversy as to which counties and countries actually constitute the United Kingdom. The Great Administrative Post Office Cock Up of 1974 didn't help. A number of contested boundary changes have also fallen into the realms of illegible legal turmoil. However, despite the similarities in tonal speech, IQ levels, and salaries, it is a generally accepted international rule that Swansea no longer holds any legal jurisdiction over India (except on Tuesdays and 6 other randomly chosen days of the week).

Recently, the United Kingdom has encouraged a move away from old, anti-european sentiment, an action which was welcomed with political voting in the european song contest; ensuring we didn't suffer a humiliating defeat.

The British, under the terms of the European Union, now unintentionally pay for all of it, and are subject to an eternal contract to recruit Polish and Latvian plumbers, builders, and fruit-pickers.


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about United Kingdom of Britannia (and Northern Pangaea).

Rupert Murdoch owns every single newspaper and media outlet in the UK and it is commonly reported in his crypto-Nazi press (see The Daily Mail, The Sun, The Financial Times) that Polish immigrants outnumber UK-born people 7 to 1. This is not in fact true, as the total immigration to the UK last year (adjusted for seasonal mean) consisted of a packet of gravlaks bought at an Enfield branch of Ikea.


Health Care[edit]

In the UK they use baby blood
Lots of baby blood

“Nipples... ”

~ Health Minister on health care system



The only sport the English play is football (of the proper round ball variety, (in which they ironically, have only won one world cup thus far, and of course, two world wars)), except when swimming, playing rugby, cricket, polo, golf, field-hockey, darts, snooker and that perennial favourite, fox hunting, which the retarded government created when posh people were being snapped up by foxes. Unlike the Americans, they tend to play sports which at least a few other nations (even France) play too, thereby meaning that they don't automatically become world champions at anything (happy Ed?). Despite this, England recently came a close fifty-sixth position in the world urban archery title, a sport where the aim to shoot a teenager in the street wearing an attire of a hoodie and a scarf while riding a BMX to close in on your targets. The British Teenage Pram Pushing Squad however have been doing remarkably well this year. A Victoria Beckham has acquired 4th place, following closely by George Bush.

It's a common British tradition to become an alcoholic when you retire from playing sport, George Best and Paul Gascoigne are just two fine examples of world class drunks.

George Best sadly past away in 2005, 100 000 people attended his funeral in his native Norn Iron, everyone just attended to get on TV not because of him.


The majoriy of people in the United Queendom speak Vietnamese. This is because in 1900, Vietnam broke away from Asia after God got bored. The result was Vietnam crashing into Britannia, Brutally killing all Englishmen (The Cornish, however, don't count, and neither do the Scottish, Welsh, Irish or the Norwegians). The Vietnamese then repopulated England by stealing demons from Hell when the Devil wasn't looking (He was too busy directing Hitler on how to take control of Jairmany.). The result was a horrible, horrible cross between the two languages, that almost made it sound as crap as Chinese.


The British cuisine consists of stuff you can put gravy or beans on them, or just put them on toast. If it is sold in Asda or Tesco and tastes like everything dull and grey, then it is British. Furthermore many gourmets agree that buying stuff from such places and claiming to have taste at all makes you a Scientologist.


The economy is developed and well diversified in to Lugenfabriken (lie factories). The chief export in recent years has been vacuous credit, manufactured in the thousands of sizable Lugenfabriken in the City of London, based on increasing prices for things which don't change and serve basic human needs. The international financial prowess of the City of London is remarkable. It is expected that the issuance of greater than a quadrillion dollars of wagers between casino capitalists will continue to bring tangible benefits to Banksters. Debt exotica and specific Lugen products such as 20% house price increases in an environment of house building and population decline continue to be snapped up by the apparently well behaved, and otherwise ostensibly sane, Johnny Foreigner.

The great british pound has continued to appreciate since the coins were melted down in 1917 to remove the Sterling and replaced with base metal tokens. The vitality of the currency reflects the virility of the male Briton, and the quantative level of Love enjoyed by the children of the land.

International relations[edit]

Since 1945, the UK is an US colony with a relative autonomy with a local gouvernement involved in sex scandal with young prostitutes.

The UK, during the 1970s, slowly became the first US colony joining European Union and is known to be the province of Das Splendit Izolation. The main aim of this was that residents of Kent wouldn't have to smuggle back alcohol and other illegal contrabrand from Frengland (the area of Northern France surrounding the entrance to the Channel Tunnel - also known as "Le Department des Hypermarkets Where You Don't Need To Speak French To Buy Cheap Lager") and to give Londonders somewhere to buy holiday homes that isn't Yorkshire or Cornwall.

"Despite this however, the UK opted out of full EU membership so that we didn't get to play with Monopoly money like the rest of Europe and retained the privilege of giving the banks a cut every time we need money to spend abroad." Or at least that's their excuse, in reality the Brittish are isolationist nationalists that prefer to be different from the rest of the world (driving on the left side and using feet instead of centimeters are perfectly good examples) due to their superiority complex. This unique standing also allows Britain to remain the USA's "loyal ally" (lapdog if you will) whenever the oil millionaires in the White House decide that they want to have another crack at spreading American imperialism (i.e. McDonalds) to the masses and need an "international" fig leaf, or when they just fancy a spot of the old Darjeeling, whatwhat?

So far the loose morals displayed by the current government's foreign policy have narrowly averted a nuclear war between the US and the middle east (or west depending on the map) - primarily because the Americans are better at obliterating their own allies then hitting innocent Iraqis with AK47s and battered Soviet tanks. However, as China and India overtake the US in their campaign for world domination, many Britons are starting to lose confidence in the government; some consider that the country should now whore itself out by the hour to the Asian economy instead.

Of course, anyone with a hatred of England have long since left the country to live in the converted area known as Europe, mainly in France, due to the huge language problems that now exist in the Un-United Kingdom because of the failure of people from outside london to speak like someone off Eastenders.

It is believed that over 80% of the population are 'Merkins with no idea of where they are but are pleased to be the Landing Strip for the good 'ol U S of A', itself ruled by an alien which can be seen from his lack of command of the American English Language.

Those left, who still have a moiety of their own marbles are still amazed by the lack of any weapons of mass destruction and the 'shock and awe' pictures in Iraq. The general feeling is that even a stupid pair of governments could have at least placed some weapons of mass destruction in the fields of Iraq and then claimed that they had been found. After all these were manufactured and sold by the UK, so who could have been surprised that they were made in the United Kingdom of America.

In terms of international relations, the UK is the withered old uncle of the USA, the grandfather of Soviet Canuckistan, the f**kin' lucky country, mate and Lew Zealand, mother of Zut Effriker (along with deadbeat dad the United Kingdom of Stroopwafel Vendors), estranged former brother-in-law of France, an uneasily reconciled cousin of Germany, and father of The Chuckle Brothers.

Recently, the UK has been experiencing large immigration problems from their previous colonies similar to the African immigration in France and the Turkish immigration in Germany. This immigration is leading to the loss of English, French (dying language anyway) and ze German.

National Anthem[edit]

Since reinforcing its security police, the United Kingdom has been preparing to adopt a new anthem. The new anthem is already decided on, and will be officially adopted when the program of equipping surveillance cameras with loudspeakers is complete in London.

The new National Anthem reads as following:

Unbreakable Union of Scotland and Wales
The England has welded forever to stand!
Created in struggle by will of the Police,
United and Safe our Sovereign Land!
Sing to our Motherland, Safe and Undying,
Bulwark of People in Security Strong!
Flag of the Britain, Flag of Surveillance,
From Freedom to Saf-e-ty leading us on!
Through tempests the shadows of Safety have cheered us,
Along the new path where great Blair did lead,
Be true to the people, thus Our Queen has reared us,
Inspired us to Labour and Valourus Deed.
Sing to our Motherland, Safe and Undying,
Bulwark of People in Security Strong!
Flag of the Britain, Flag of Surveillance,
From Freedom to Saf-e-ty leading us on!
Our police grew up in the War of the Terror,
Liberal invaders we'll quietly strike down.
Vigilant, the fate of the future we'll settle,
Our country we'll lead to eternal renown!
Sing to our Motherland, Safe and Undying,
Bulwark of People in Security Strong!
Flag of the Britain, Flag of Surveillance,
From Freedom to Saf-e-ty leading us on!


The lyrics for the former national anthem are as follows: Chocolate Rain Some stay dry and others feel the pain Chocolate Rain A baby born will die before the sin

Chocolate Rain The school books say it can't be here again Chocolate Rain The prisons make you wonder where it went

Chocolate Rain Build a tent and say the world is dry Chocolate Stain Gets on white and never comes off again

Chocolate Rain Forecast to be falling yesterday Chocolate Rain Only in the past is what they say

Chocolate Rain Raised your neighborhood insurance rates Chocolate Rain Makes us happy 'livin in a gate

Chocolate Rain Made me cross the street the other day Chocolate Rain Made you turn your head the other way

(Chorus) Chocolate Rain History quickly crashing through your veins Chocolate Rain Using you to fall back down again [Repeat]

Chocolate Rain Seldom mentioned on the radio Chocolate Rain It's the fear your leaders call control

Chocolate Rain Worse than swearing worse than calling names Chocolate Rain Say it publicly and you're insane

Chocolate Rain No one wants to hear about it now Chocolate Rain Wish real hard it goes away somehow

Chocolate Rain Makes the best of friends begin to fight Chocolate Rain But did they know each other in the light?

Chocolate Rain Every February washed away Chocolate Rain Stays behind as colors celebrate

Chocolate Rain The same crime has a higher price to pay Chocolate Rain The judge and jury swear it's not the face


Chocolate Rain Dirty secrets of economy Chocolate Rain Turns that body into GDP

Chocolate Rain The bell curve blames the baby's DNA Chocolate Rain But test scores are how much the parents make

Chocolate Rain Flippin' cars in France the other night Chocolate Rain Cleans the sewers out beneath Mumbai

Chocolate Rain 'Cross the world and back it's all the same Chocolate Rain Angels cry and shake their heads in shame

Chocolate Rain Lifts the ark of paradise in sin Chocolate Rain Which part do you think you're 'livin in?

Chocolate Rain More than marchin' more than passing law Chocolate Rain Remake how we got to where we are

National Religion[edit]

It is commonly accepted that the Hedgehog is Sacred, this is because they can drink UHT milk (And not die shortly afterwards) and can outrun a Morris Oxford. Other religions include sunshine (constant prayer for it to come out). Rain is considered the devil and bad luck!

The British have an unfortunate tendency to worship the sun as a god, on it's rare appearances from the naturally grey skies with fire and light, and yea, shall wax wroth mightily upon the un-suncreamedeth nose.

Being British[edit]

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish Kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on A Japanese TV.

Contary to popular belief in Sun circles, the whole of Poland does not live in the United Kingdom.

And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.

Oh and……

Only in Britain … Can a pizza get to your house faster than an Ambulance.

Only in Britain … Do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain … Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a baby to eat at night.

Only in Britain … Do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain … Do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain … Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place. NOT TO MENTION…

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

1000 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

3,125 Brits were killed after being poisoned by smog.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

6458938492 Billion Polish people emigrate from The United Kingdom every day, because Brits are being racist

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

734 Billion British people migrated from Britain to the congo

OVER 9000 brits died from trying to get there power level to OVER 9000

The Hurricane and The Earthquake[edit]

In January a huge huricane swept through the UK and wreaked havok casuing thousands of pounds worth of damages, the cause of this was due to Cherie Blair opening her mouth and making a public speech. The results can still be seen today and will take years and years to put right. The Earthquake occurred in February and the cause is yet to be identified. British PM Gordon Brown stated that it was Jade Goody getting out of bed and running to the toilet.

War and Britain[edit]

Main article: British Armed Forces

As the rest of world already know, The British are by far the most superior fighters this planet has produced. Being successful in every great war and battle they have decided to turn up and get involved in (Unlike the French who have failed miserably to even win any argument they have had) FACT. The Americans may dispute this as they believe it was due to their late arrival that World War II came to an end and the Germans where defeated, even though Britain had already won the Battle of Britain and would have strolled into Berlin anyways. ("IT WAS YOU DUMB SHIT THE GERMANS WOULD HAVE KICKED YOUR ASS" - An un-educated, glory-hunting Merican on WW2) Unfortunately those silly Americans failed to realize that since they wasn't even in the fight since the beginning - they might as well have not been involved at all. Therefore the Americans small participation is not and will never be recognized by anyone except Americans (also take into account the only worthwhile war the Americans ever won was 'The American Civil War' which was against themselves) FACT. Others say that Britain failed to win the infamous 'Battle of Rorke's Drift' as they where heavily outnumbered by skinny black guys waving spears and screaming like fools. This however is painfully wrong as any well informed historian will confirm due to solid proof which exists that The British actually did win, the proof being a little known documentary which shows Michael Caine defending the garrsion bravely. I mean, why else would they wear bright wear red uniforms in the middle of a field? Obviously to make themselves nice and easy to spot!Others may also argue as to the Colonial Wars, but little do the yanks know that we only let you win because you threatened to cry if we didn't.

Plans for the future or Hackneyed References to 1984[edit]

After expanding the closed circuit system throughout all the Great Britain, inside people's homes, installing Telescreens and loudspeakers and giving the police a "shoot first, have a party and if anyone remembers this a month later, ask questions" policy, the UK government decided they will adopt a single party system and change the name of the country to Airstrip one, because they want to "sex it up". Critics claim this idea isn't new, but the government had postponed it because communism unexpectedly fell and they didn't have a reason to enforce "security measures" anymore. Luckily the U.S. started this war on terror thing and now they look at the future with glee. Citizens of the U.K. currently await for what the future reserves, but are sure it will be doupleplusgood.

Bearing in mind that the few citizens left who remember food shortages or have not been killed by the National Health Service or various man made diseases such as the 'Bird Flu' now prevalent in the incestuous east, want out, oh so badly. The future will prove the reason for UK warming as the whole island is being slowly towed towards the Cuban/Floridian part of the USA and those in the know have been quietly changing their outdated currency to US greenbacks for this very special moment when they will be received into the bossom, silicon or natural of those who had the very good fortune to leave the country in the 1700's. God Bless George Shrub!


See also[edit]

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