United States Army
“I came here to chew bubble gum and kick ass...and we've got plenty of gum, comes in our MREs.”
“That misquote was terrible, and you should feel terrible. Because now I feel terrible. Because you're not gay enough. Yet.”
“ARMY- Aren't Ready to be Marines Yet”
“Keep those fuckers away from me!”
“What? I have to do a job here? Hey guys, some blindfolded Iraqis! Lets go!”
“We need more tanks! Bitch!”
The United States Army is the second largest employer of undereducated people in the world, after the Wal-Mart man, and before the American TV Industry. It was originally created in its current form on January 3rd, 1885, when Will Smith required several hundred meat shields to protect him while he attacked a giant talking, walking, spider-tank in the Old West. The events of this day were summarized in the recent blockbuster Wild Wild West
Will Smith and his Adventures in the Army.
Mr. Smith went on to become a leading member and recurring hero in the adventures of the army. He saved the world, along side the President of the United States, by flying a jet against an evil alien invasion force. Oddly enough, these aliens attacked on Independence Day, and this fact alone spurred Mr. Smith to single-handedly fly a stolen space ship, recovered from the [Area 51] secret military base, into the alien mothership and do all sort of cool stuff. The end result of which was him returning to the earth in time to punch out the alien leader, Roseanne.
Mr. Smith has also worked in the Special Forces branch of the U.S. Army. He worked undercover in high-class Bel-Air, a district of Hollywood, where he pretended to be a trouble youth from the streets of [Philadelphia] with a heart of gold. Eventually, his Wacky Shenanigans allowed him to secretly kill Alfonso Ribeiro, his "cousin". It was believed that Mr. Ribeiro was in fact a clone of Osama Bin Laden.
Mr. Smith received several hundred medals for his work during those years, all of which were top secret and highly classified. In fact, he was ordered to eat the medals shortly after receiving them. No joke.
A Brief History of the U.S. Army
With the exception of Mr. Smith, very little has been done with the army since its creation. There were a few wars, possibly a couple dozen parties, and something involving a tank. None of this has impacted the world in any way.
Oh yeah, they have actually invaded many countries, seemingly without reason, in the last 30 years.
The U.S. Army is your Friend
Recent liberal media reports may have implicated the U.S. Army in some sort of foolishness or other. Rest assured, this didn't happen. The U.S. Army never did anything. They were out of town that day. Whipping Iraqi men.
Some people have recently reported having seen people in military attire bursting into peoples home, screaming nonsense along the lines of "This is an officially sanctioned raid conducted by the U.S. Military with the full support of the U.S. Government, you will lay down on the ground or we will shoot you in the head with our U.S. Military weapons."
This is untrue. Soldiers are not trained to deal with other humans under the US Army Field Journal. They are simply directed to stop them screaming in any way. Usually with force, lewd, undecodable profanity, or a well placed burst of gunfire. Yeah.
The U.S. Army is, in fact armed only with smiles. And hugs. They could not have been responsible for the actions because they are just not that mean. They are your friends after all.
What you should be more worried about is the terrorists who did it.
U.S. Army/Special Forces Training
The training is simple, just by watching a sh1t load of Rambo type movies along with a few fitness lessons prior to being sent to War, only to result in Friendly Fire.
The Future of the U.S. Army
Many things lay in the future the the U.S. Army and all of it's proud, non-dismembered members. There is a bake sale planned for next Tuesday. Also, some hookers will be invited. It should be a great old time.
You Will Join the Army... You Will Join the Army... You Will Join the Army... You Will Join the Army... Death to Americas Enemies... You Will Join the Army... You Will Join the Army... You Will Join the Army... You Will Join the Army...