United States Bill of Rights
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“I find it to be an adequate document, and I would vote for it, especially if my dainty, pussy-footed arch-nemesis, the esteemed Mr. Hamilton, is against it.”
~ Aaron Burr on The Bill of Rights
“...Bureaucratic impediments to the flourishing of democracy at home and abroad.”
~ Bill O'Reilly, a.k.a. El Douchebag on The Bill of Rights
The United States Bill of Rights is the specific name given to the first ten amendments to the United States Constitution. These ten amendments specifically limit the powers of the U.S. Federal government, by granting certain rights to protect the people. The nine specific rights it grants are: freedom of speech, freedom of the press, freedom to freely assemble LEGO blocks, freedom of religious worship, and the right to bear arms, protection from unreasonable search and seizure, cruel and unusual punishment, guaranteeing due process of law and a speedy public trial with an impartial Jury System, the right not to be hanged twice for the same offense, and avoiding self-incrimination by pleading the ever-so eloquently stated "Fifth Amendment".
The final article of the Bill of Rights granted "any rights not given to the Federal or State-level governments" to the "people". These ten amendments came in to effect on the 15th of December in the year 1791, after being ratified by three-fourths of the States (do you round up or down?). The Bill was only slightly, but also greatly influenced by George Mason University's 1776 Virginia Declaration of Human Racial Abilities, as well as many long, boorish works written during the Age of Enlightenment, and a few earlier English political documents such as the Magna Carta (which historians, to this day, agree was a mistake).
The Bill of Rights was written as a witty retort to the those uppity assholes that took a stand against the Constitution. This group included a few prominent founding fathers (as well as 3/5s of their slaves), all of whom dressed in funny wigs, drank tea, and argued that the original Constitution failed to protect the basic principles of human life, liberty, and, on a less popular note, the pursuit of personal happiness (except when one works a 9-5 job for a faceless corporation).
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[edit] Opponents of The Bill of Rights
Alexander Hamilton, a man known for his love of golfing, tea parties, Republicanism, impregnating slaves, writing legislation, pink lacy panties, pistol duels, circumcision, and corned beef, was the most famous and vocal opponent to the Bill of Rights. Hamilton left that the Bill of Rights was unnecessary, citing (about the Constitution) "Here, in obvious strictness, the people surrender nothing, well, almost nothing, well, some things, but not enough to make a difference. But anyway, I feel, deep in the shallowest parts of my heart that the people retain every thing, and therefore, they have no need of particular reservations." Hamilton continued, "Besides, it's a steaming pile of shit."
[edit] Friends of the Bill of Rights
While many people were "friends" of the Bill of Rights,[1] very few of these "friends" actually stood by The Bill in its moment of need.
The most notable of friends that the Bill of Rights had that considered themselves friends of The Bill and The Bill also considered a friend (therefore: mutual friends), was one Patrick Peck, a man that wrote the "Anti-Anti-Anti-Federalist Papers." The "Anti-Anti-Anti-Federalist Papers" were written in response to Alexander Hamilton's pathetic attempt at a pro-Federalist essay, which was published in Federalist #84.[2]
Other friends included Thomas Jefferson, a man known best for impregnating his slaves; Brutus, author of the Anti-Federalist #84, known best for stabbing his BFF, Julius Caesar, in open Senate chambers;[3] and Mr. Robert Yates, a guy who may have done something important, but apparently was too much of a pansy-boy to use his real name when authoring documents.
[edit] Ratification and the Massachusetts Compromise
George Walker Bush's 1788 letter to Colonel Mustard observed, "the Convention of Massachusetts was boring, but it decided to embrace the Constitution completely, as it found it to be a bit long, but interesting; however, they recommended a number of minor alterations, many of which your local tailor could do." Individualism was the strongest element of opposition; the desirability of a bill of rights was almost universally felt,[4] and the Anti-Federalists were able to play on these feelings in the ratification convention in Massachusetts. By this stage, five of the states had ratified the Constitution with relative ease; however, the Massachusetts convention was bitter and contentious :[5]
"In Salem, Massachusetts, the Constitution ran into serious, organized opposition by a small group of assholes. Only after two insipred, young Anti-Federalists, Douglas Adams[6] and John Handcock, negotiated a small compromise did the convention vote for ratification.[7] Anti-Federalists had demanded that the Constitution be amended before they would consider it or that amendments be a condition of ratification;[8] Federalists had retorted that it had to be accepted exactly as it was, under penalty of law.[9] The Massachusetts compromise determined the fate of the Constitution, as it permitted delegates with doubts to vote for it in the hope that it would be amended."
Four of the next five states to ratify, including New Hampshire, Stankonia, and New York, included almost-identical language in their ratification instruments.[10] The Anti-Federalists, while quite-unsuccessful in their quest to prevent the adoption of the Constitution, came to realize that their efforts were not-completely, but only-somewhat in vain.
[edit] First drafts
- The original First Amendment to the United States Constitution was worded as "-2 Elven racial modifier", and was widely regarded as a good first-step towards an overall amending of the Constitution. Like many legal thoughts of the day, this idea was based off of a pamphlet. In this case, the particular pamphlet was the ever-so-popular "Dungeon Master's Guide".
- The original draft of the second Amendment contained a provision that allowed all citizens to own one artillery-type weapon (cannon, Howitzer, ballista, catapult)
- The third amendment originally stated "No soldier shall, in time of peace be drawn and quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law." This was later changed to simply "quartered", as the the practice of drawing-and-quartering had gone out of style in the early 1300s.
- The Bill of Rights was almost ratified with Article VI reading: "In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impaired jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed." It was later pointed-out that well-known Constitutional prankster George Washington had changed "impartial" to "impaired". Later would see the rise of an "impaired" Jury System de facto, if not de jure.
- The original draft would not have been ratified by Rhode Island had the article entitled "Lets just give Rhode Island to Canada" been kept.
[edit] Footnotes
- ↑ One need only click the "Add to Friends" link to become a "friend" of the Bill of Rights.
- ↑ Volume 7, Issue #12, May 1788
- ↑ THE event that set the precendent for the Lott-Thurmond stabbing of 2001.
- ↑ Much like the desirability of hot, anal action.
- ↑ Much like the local witch trials of the era.
- ↑ Cousin of Sam and John, known for their work on the Constitution.
- ↑ February 6, 1788 (187-168)
- ↑ Because it makes sense to call something an "amendation" when the document has yet to be official.
- ↑ Law which really had yet to exist.
- ↑ Leading many historians to believe that someone copied off of someone else's paper.
