United States Postal Service

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WARNING: IF YOU READ THIS ARTICLE, THE POSTMASTER GENERAL WILL HAVE YOU EXECUTED RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM, WHILE HE IS WATCHING. HE MIGHT EVEN PERSONALLY CARRY OUT THE EXECUTION HIMSELF. AND IT WILL BE VERY LONG AND TORTUOUS. THE ORIGINAL AUTHOR OF THIS ARTICLE HAS ALREADY BEEN EXECUTED, BY A THOUSAND PAPER CUTS WHICH CAUSED HIM TO BLEED TO DEATH. IF YOU HAVE ANY COMMON SENSE AT ALL, YOU WILL NOT READ ANY FURTHER. IGNORE THIS WARNING AT YOUR OWN PERIL!


DO NOT READ THIS[edit]

The United States Postal Service is a cleverly disguised Communist conspiracy for world domination, a pyramid scheme to Get Rich Quick, a rehabilitation program for space aliens suffering from Earth Fatigue, and an organization of hapless do-gooders who have nothing better to do then ship letters, postcards, and packages to wherever they are destined, according to the teachings of the Hindu gods Vishnu and Shiva. It is a for-profit nonprofit government agency and private corporation, and encrypts its data using section 501(c)3 of the Internal Revenue Code.

PLEASE STOP READING[edit]

After Congress took over the CIA in the 1970s, the United States Postal Service was the only agency left that could do top-secret classified covert operations with no oversight. Because their methods are so brutal and inhumane, most postal workers are disgruntled, and having seen things nobody should ever see, they are usually quite insane. The dictatorial megalomaniac and mastermind behind the entire operation is a dark wizard known to us as the Postmaster General. He has lived for thousands of years and has always been secretly manipulating world events to his dark purposes. His ability to summon demons and use necromancy to bring back the dead is unmatched. This is why postal workers are so diverse; some of them are demons, some are undead, some are space aliens, some are humanoid robots, and a few of them are even real humans. The human postal workers are the most dangerous, because they are the most likely to question the motives of the Postmaster General and to get disgruntled and try to fight back against the system that enslaved them. The Postmaster General keeps them in line using telepathy to read their thoughts, which is what makes them go berzerk and go on massive killing sprees from time to time.

YOU HAVE ALREADY GONE TOO FAR[edit]

After the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks which were carried out by covert agents of the U.S. Postal Service, some prominent lawmakers and people in the newsmedia started to question who had carried out the attacks. The Postmaster General sent all of these people anthrax in the mail, and nobody ever dared question him again. His true purposes are unfathomable, but know this: all who dare oppose him perish in a most gruesome fate. Dear reader, you would be wise to comply with the will of the Postmaster General. Resistance is futile.

YOU ARE DEAD[edit]