United States of America

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The Glorious Democratic People's Republic of the United States of America formerly known as part of the British Empire
Also Known as Canada's Pants
0000kmUnited Statesian Flag.png
United Statesian flag
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United Statesian Coat of Arms.
Motto "In Mcdonald's we trust"

Or "Let's eat, to the beat!"

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Latest National Statement I hear rumors on the internets, that there is an article taking the piss out of America. Well that article, has WMD's.
Official languages Hambuggah English (AKA English U.S.), Mexican, Southern, Polish (Chicago and NYC only) Jew (NYC only), and Klingon (Star trek conventions)Morse Code, Yankish and Nooorthern (Fargoooh).
Government - Bi-polar!
Demographic 100% claim to be Irish. Hispanic 90% (California 99%), Caucasian/Anglo-American 6.66% (still considered the evil, faceless and oppressive majority and constantly blamed for problems),blacks 44% ( all inside one KFC), no one cares about the rest
Religion Batshitcrazyity
Operating hours: Monday–Saturday from dawn 'til midnight, Friday is ladies' night.
National anthem "Country Roads"
Natural Resources Texas Tea, tree stumps, Jell-O™, prostitution, actors, fast food and pop culture ad nauseum.
Official Cuisine Bacon fat, Freedom Fries, Hamburgers and COKE

NOT PEPSI. See also Cuisine of the United States

National bird The Japanese kamakazi plane.
Queen NOT Elton John
President Barack Obama, Jr. AKA "El Negro" or "The brown one". The actual winners were Al Gore and Michael Moore, thank goodness for voting...canadian style.
Prime Minister Dr. Phil McGraw-Winfrey DDS, Ph.D. Known as "|Geoff" to his friends.
Area AMERICA. 5% of the world's population, 95% of the world's assholes.
Currency Beefburgers
National Sports Under Water Basket Weaving


National Products Silicon, Synthetic Cheeses, Oil, Patriot Act, Sarah Palin's, Politicians, War, Walls around the border and ham. lots and lots of ham.
Exports McDonalds, Obesity, Mindless trends, Deported Illegal immigrants, removing Native Americans, beating homosexuals, Silicon Black Hawks, Jobs, War, Junk Food, (c)rap music, Souls (collected by reapers), Soul destroying television (see 'Sex In The City'), Whoopass, Terrorism, World pollution, funding of terrorists & oppressive dictators, fraudulent financial systems, post-huffed kittens, taste-free beer (see 'Bud'), whiners and Religious-Crackpots, Bombs, guns and sundry other weapons.
Imports Illegal immigrants, Made in China stickers, Oil(Lots), Marijuana (pot), Cocaine, Meth (the rural drug of choice), Heroin, Leaded Chinese Toys, Japanese Stuff, African American rap, Mexican American beer and Native American tobacco, Terrorist attacks, paranoia and Barack Obama.

“ Change anyone? Anyone got any change?”

~ A homeless person on poverty (and heroin)

“ We got change! Fo' Shizzle ma nizzle mo'fucka.. In the ghetto, Doggg. Keepin' it reeeaaal 4 2pac bro. Wha'? You bein' wacist because I is black?? ”

~ A black voter on the homeless person's request

“Well can I have it?”

~ Homeless guy on asking for it

“Allallalladurkaturkapakipakipakiallamybeardisbuttsex [sic] ”

~ Osama Bin Laden on when pushed for comment on the current state of America by CNN

“What were we thinking?”

~ Great Britain on the creation of the Thirteen Colonies

“HA!HA! Britain can think! Nice one....!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Great Britain thinking
Conservapedia logo.png
The faux patriot snake handlers at Conservapedia have an even funnier article about United States of America.

The United States of America, real name United Shites of an Arsehole, but also known as South Canada or Baja Canada is an international terrorist cell with a bit of money. After being discovered by Sarah Palin toward the end of the 2008 election, it quickly acquired a constitution written by bullied school children, and America dubbed itself soccer "mom" capital of the country. It was recently bought out by McDonalds Corp. This earned it 3.14159265 culture points on Civilization IV.

It was originally supposed to be a collection of semi-autonomous entities known as "Shites" but these were later publicly renamed as states to keep the small minority of shit happy under the interests of profanity bias.. These States allegedly had just as much power as their Government, if not more, back when the United States was a young Republic.

America is a failed subsidiary of The Great British Empire, and the British Government is in talks with Russia over selling it to them. It is expected Russia will make a bid of up to - but not exceeding - $20 USD ( Ugandan Smelly Dollars) to buy America within the next decade.

The US has a reputation for turning up late for wars. They joined in for the last year of The First World War, even though nobody really understood why, and in the last few years of The Second World War because it was a little quiet back home. Indeed they were so late in joining the Vietnam war, that before G.I Joe set foot upon south-east Asian soil, everybody had forgotten what they were fighting for. To be fair it has being making considerable efforts of being on time, whilst largely successful this has been achieved by starting the wars.

In 2001, the USA declared war on the United States of America under charge of having oil. This was later discovered to be merely vast quantities of cooking oil, for the purposes of frying burgers, chips and skinny people - the invasion was called off.

Americans (Species) are generally, very unfunny and talk in a monotonous, "my tongue is obese, therefore inactive" style - but they never shut up. This is because americans have extra strong jaw muscles, which they need to eat McDonalds, Oreos and blades of straw. They are renowned for their poor sense of humour, which almost always relies on something which "just happened" with the word "retard" added to the end. That said, and in a completely unrelated concept, Americans clean their windows, by licking them.

Luckily for this article, education in America is poor - and a vast majority of the country's population is either illiterate or blond or will find the article so offensive, they dont notice the more subtle, scathing put downs and will instead resort to bashing the keyboard with their intrinsically chubby fingers. (see talk page)

The United States as of the Treaty of Boston (2087 AD)
Heil Liberty!
Atom Bomb destroys Japs! The US soldier was pleased very much!
The American grasp of geography


Main article: Genocide

Heller, who were happily conquering the world back in the 1770s, decided that pillaging the world's riches wasn't enough, and decided to impose taxes on the Colonial Americans for such trivial things as food, water, clothing, tea, booze, blue marbles, Barney the Dinosaur plush toys, Froot Loops, hookers and oxygen (this last one was known as 'The Breathing Tax'). These taxes were to pay for King George's well-known and well-documented expensive coke habit.

After British Regulars (also known as The Legion of Doom) gunned down some Americans (England 1 - 0 USA) who were minding their own business just standing around with rifles and muskets... and yelling nasty things about the Regulars' mothers ... on a bridge... blocking the British from crossing... and pointing their guns at the Regulars... and mooning them, finally the Colonials went to war.

The Colonials got their collective asses handed to them at every engagement (except for the Can-'O-Whoop-Ass we opened at Trenton, but since those were Hessian mercenaries, it doesn't count), and they knew they needed help. After Australian actor Mel Gibson lent his help to the effort, everyone went around with their faces painted blue yelling 'FREEEEDOM!". After Colonel Gibson waived a flag and killed some more British regulars, especially some back-shooting, house-burning git British Dragoons Colonel named something-or-other, the Colonials (and Colonel Mel) sent Cornwallis, Solomon Grundy and the Legion of Doom packing at the battle of Cowpens. Then the French eventually showed up and bombed the crap out of Cornwallis (Solomon Grundy having been killed while stealing gunpowder by torchlight), until he finally gave up. Of course, this was back when the French were ass-kickers, not the white-flag-waving surrender monkeys they eventually became after 1918.

After the Revolutionary War was over, the first thing the American Government did to celebrate cats for being out from under British taxes to tax their own citizens for making booze. This astounding stupidity so thoroughly convinced the Legion of Doom that Americans were fucking morons, they came back for The Revolutionary War, Part II. Once again, the brave (but stupid) Americans got bitch slapped around until a peace treaty was signed. Then, 2 weeks after the Peace Treaty, the Legion of Doom squared off against some guy named Andy Jackson at the Battle of Mardi Gras. Andy led a group of men made up of militia from Kentuckistan, Johnny Depp and the Pirates of the Caribbean, some American Marines and the occasional token Black guy. For some reason, the Americans won... most likely because the British Regulars laughed so hard they had a stroke. Since all the Brits were dead, the Americans made up some story about a big battle and Andy got his face on the 20 dollar bill, which the American Indians still refuse to use, or even touch, because Andy was such a dick. The cats laughed.

Nothing much happened after that until the 1860's, when some tall bearded guy from Kentuckistan got elected President, went on a bender and freed all the Black Slaves during a fit caused by altitude sickness and 3 bottles of Absinthe. He was reported to have said "I freed WHO?!?" two days later. For this act, he was thanked profusely by getting shot in the back of the head while watching a play. The media tried to spin this as a suicide, saying that the tall, bearded Kentuckistanian President thought the play was so horrendously bad that he shot himself. The Average American knew better, though, and to this day Americans still honor the Kentuckistani President and his great act of Humanity by moving away from Black people whenever they move nearby.

Once again, nothing much happened until the early 20th Century, when Woodrow 'G-Mack Daddy' Wilson violated international law by secretly shipping war materials to Britain (now our bestest buddies) on passenger liners during the 1st World War, the whole time claiming neutrality. When a passenger ship, the Lusitania, was carrying 80 uncooled cases of "butter" and got her damn fool self torpedoed, the "butter" exploded so violently that the ship went down in less than 10 minutes... After WW1 was over, the Americans claimed to have 'won' the War despite 3 years of constant shelling and millions dead before they showed up. G-Mack told Congress that they would need a 'temporary' income tax (HAH!! Yeah, right!) to pay for the war. To this day, 91 years later, Americans honor the memory of G-Mack every time they pay their outrageously high 'temporary' income tax... if they can figure out the 6-foot-high pile of tax laws. The cats were very pleased with this.

When some Nazi asshole started another war in the 1930s by invading the small European nation of Polandistan, the Allies and Axis fought for years. When the United States joined the war after getting bitch slapped by the Japaneses at Pearl Harbor, the Americans went to Europe and shoved their collective foot so far up Germany's ass that they could taste it

After the British, French rebels, and Russians beat the shit out of Germany in 1945, America claimed victory due to the fact that they tried to commit genocide against Japan via atomic bombs.

Afterwards, some war that was known for being cold broke out against the newly-named Glorious People's Republic of America and the Soviet Empire, in which, just like every other war, America kicked someone's ass (although it happened to be Korea and some guy named Charlie)

After several European nations rebelled, the Soviet Union was defeated, but due to America's nuclear weapons and targeting systems aimed at everyone else, it was declared an American victory.

America's history has been characterized by genocide, slavery (through whip in the past, through welfare from liberals in modern times), electing unqualified leaders, oppression of minority citizens (First by the whites then by conservatives and everyone but Asians against whites and men) use of nuclear bombs, kicking terrorist ass, bashing Atheists (we almost got em boys!) endless death and being the world's babysitter. Yes, this God-blessed land was discovered in 1952 by Mr. McDonald and business partner KFC, who both shared a vision of inhabiting a large country with millions of fat asses. And their infamous fast-food restaurants were never erased from history. Those fat asses would go on to star in stupid sitcoms like Friends and Will and Grace, just so the rest of the world (apart from Russia) could laugh at their low level of intelligence. Woopty-fuckin'-doo.

Today, America is a wonderful, brilliant, glorious country that consists mainly of overweight people who won't let go of their burgers who coincidentally rioted when the movie Supersize Me came out. They created McDonald's, which is the reason why so many people in the world are fat (of course, being fat allows you to take a career as a sumo wrestler). But the first president under the first system of the Articles of Confederation was the guy who produced Supersize me (you know what happened next). Many presidents, world wide, are willing to start a petition involving the slaughter of Americans to feed the hungry people who live in poverty. Today, thanks to America's newest "president" Barack Hussein Obama or the "third antichrist", America is on the fast track to Socialism.

Ronald McDonald was elected emperor in 1987. After a massive McDonalds advertisement drive, the population spent an entire year's wages on Big Macs. Consequently, America's military budget shrunk to a puny $2,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, while the average American belt size swelled to a massive 60 inches. Due to the sudden increase in biomass, the world announced America to be too powerful. This was mainly due to the fear that Americans would try to leave the country and get stuck on economy airlines, where seat widths are only 24 inches, leading to planes becoming hypercramped (as opposed to merely supercramped as they are now). The resultant bodily odors would incapacitate airline staff, forcing planes to crash into more cultured parts of the world. From the crash site, any surviving Americans (considered a dangerous invasive species) would swiftly spread, contaminating previously pristine cultures and wiping out native species. See American (species)

The Livin' End[edit]

If you think an African-American president is bad, how about a woman president 4 years from now?

After 28 years of goin' red, the American people are goin' blue (and green, pinko or color-blind). In 2006, the red states voted for Democrats to take back the house and senate. In 2008, all the red states voted for a black president to live in the white house. We need a new third party to even out the two-party system, someone who is politically centrist/neutral/independent. Alternative names for this party include the Purple people, the White party, the Grey Shirts, the Yellow Jackets, the Brown berets and the Technic-Color Coated Rainbow Coalition.

National Identity[edit]

Americans are a patriotic lot, and are patriotic of this fact. It is said that in private, Americans fly the American flag inside their homes - unaware of the fact that with no wind to act upon it, it will not fly. Americans see this as a message from the almighty Skybox that they truly are his chosen people as this is obviously the next logical conclusion to make.

Part of being American, is being uneducated - to be educated is to be a lewsur. Americans across the south annually host "Harvard Fest", where they burn prospective scientists and anyone speaking against the one true faith. Anyone not participating is said to be a "commie," and are then burned at the stake.

One prominent symbol of the American Nation is the golden arches of which each arch represents a 100 years America has existed. Such a vast historical and cultural merit, spanning a massive 2 centuries - has been personified to edible form in the shape of the Big Mac. Basically, however you chew it, you are eating shit it ends up shit anyway.

American Culture (or lack thereof)[edit]

Main article: American Culture (an empty, but extremely accurate, article)
An Average American

The U.S. is a "united" commonwealth populated by Republicans and illegal immigrants. Americans claim that their nation is favored by God, an allegation which the Vatican vehemently denies (but it's not like they're a religious authority or anything).

It is american to be fat, like junk food, ugly poofs, beer, and women with large breasts. If you are a not-american you should go find a dark hole, crawl in, and die. If you are american and not any of the others you are good at pretending.

Despite the relatively large geographic area, there are few museums or other repositories of culture and art to be found in the U.S. The government started the Library of Congress which quickly filled up with porn and Mad Magazines. The Smithsonian Institute is the U.S.'s most popular museum as it holds artifacts from old U.S. television shows. There is also a small museum of straws in Tennessee. The Southern United States keeps its heritage alive at the Great Library of Alexandria, and the Getty Museum in Los Angeles holds the U.S.'s collection of stolen works from other countries. There are no plans for any more collections that do not include toys from McDonald's happy meals.

Cultural activities for the average American typically involve ingesting huge quantities of Coke, which they are forced to drink cold, or at special occasions, mix it with Mentos--and it is a wonderful drink which proves how glorious and majestic America is.

The visitor is cautioned not to mention the name "Yu Es Ehy" to an inebriated American. "Yu Es Ehy" was a Chinese woman who is said to have had a mad affair with former American Rockstar John Lennon, thereby infuriating American senior citizens at large. They are often seen vehemently chanting her name at various sporting events. While, from an anthropological viewpoint, this display is fascinating to watch, it has also been known to be the cause of The Great 1927 Riot of Poughkeepsie, NY. The observer is cautioned to beware of his/her surroundings at all times, especially if they are of Chinese ancestry.

"Yu is gay" is a popular question among American men who are homophobes. If yu is gay, yu is gonna get hanged. No seriously, just maybe not in New York City, California or South Florida. The U.S. has this irrational fear of the gays for no apparent reason, mostly because Americans take every single goddamnn thing in the bible so super serially! 90% don't think evolution is real and another 90% believe "god" snapped his fingers to create the earth in about 6 or 7 days.

It is interesting to notice that people from United States of America call the country America, which is the name of the whole continent which the U.S. lies on. It proves that United Statesians (as they should properly be called) probably lack geographical knowledge, want to conquer the world, and/or are just a bunch of stupid fat ass Homer Simpsons and Michael Browns. But it is mostly because Canada and Mexico are just so insignificant that the rest of the world allowed this.

And remember, being stupid is not a privilege. It is a right protected by the US Constitution Amendment of 1984.

Being a fat ass, however, is a privilege. The United Statesian Emperor has the power to revoke said privilege at any time, under USC 900.64; violators will be towed to the nearest detention camp at owner's expense.

It is often assumed that the denominations of Christianity in the U.S. make it the most common religion in the country. However, all "Americans" actually practice the "economic state turn personal and spiritual religious sacrifice" of "Capitalism." Most people follow this religion unaware that they are doing so (this is due to the overwhelmingly mandated need for $$$..) Nonetheless, the entire culture is gradually infected by the greed and over-consumption until the little green pieces of paper become the gross currency idol which symbolizes all the pestilential evils of the contemporary Roman Empire.

The country is ruled by a president who, by constitutional law, must be an old white landowning male. He holds supreme power in one hand and a mind control pill in the other.

As they have a carefully set up a form of democracy where voting is not compulsory, most Americans will only vote if there's nothing good on TV, they're dead, or they're animals (that means at you, ACORN). And with "quality" shows like Family Guy, American Idol, Punk'd and Flavor of Love, living (human) Americans won't be voting anytime soon.

This ability of voters to vote is called referendum, or ref for short. These refs closely monitor all competitions and carefully regulate what's allowed to be said and what's not. America has become an Oceania-like continent, in this respect.

America is not viewed as one of the world's finest contributions
On a real map of Norf Ameriker, America doesn't really exist.

Cultural diversity has had a huge role in the fostering of American society. Goths, typically garbed in no clothing with the orientation of "bi", make up for the most depressed 10% of society. The preps or jocks beat them up, which is reminiscent of American history. The Indians were persecuted because of their Hindu beliefs and bovine worshiping. When the Founding Fathers came over on the Union Pacific Railroad from Africa, they settled New York and formed an anti-Parisian legislature. They then began the slow and steady holocaust of the Indian folk, and pushed them west towards the Indian Ocean. Afterwards, they all had a Samuel L. Jackson beer, named for Samuel L. Jackson, the leader and proprietor of the Sons of Liberty, a hokey third generation partisan clan of feathered tar babies. He is mostly known for having had it with those motherfucking snakes on that motherfucking plane. World renowned historian Thomas Lunden quotes, "Sam Jackson was the drink of the day. After they rid the world of tea forever, they kicked back a cold one and make fun of all the stupid Tories."

The American flag is a famous flag to nations abroad, who very often see it being immolated and/or stomped on and/or crapped on. The thirteen red and white stripes and 50 (and counting) white stars against a blue background have been synonymous to nations worldwide of quick flammability, even without gasoline. In Iran, for instance, it is a daily practise to, before the raising of the national flag, asplode a single American flag whilst shouting "Allah", "Khomeini", "Jihad" or a combination of all three.

Classic American pasttimes include 69, drinking beer, making teenage girls anorexic (then making them fat when they're older), [[shooting allies bad people]], and the the most boring sport in the world, lacrosse.


Osama Bin Bush, commander on the war against the war on terror.

The US military is among the best biggest in the world. It is an stop-lossed all volunteer force equipped with the best armor in the world armor matching hats and well maintained vehicles vehicles boots, supported by little stickers on SUVs Republicans the American people to follow the unlawful orders of the Commander in Chief.

War and the Americans[edit]

The Americans were fueled after their failure in the war of Independence against the british bastards, and have yet been too lazy to do any thing about it.

Also 1st of May is widely celebrated by American people as a Victory over Hitler's Vietnam and when the nuclear dildo was dropped on the Italian city of Paris. People wave flags on that day and eat hot dogs and drink coca-cola. Russians drink vodka at the same day to celebrate the fact that their lives and country suck (ever since the good old days with Stalin, things haven't been the same for them). The British celebrate the bombings of Paris, too. So does the rest of the world.

Very recently rumours are rising about the invasion of martians, now some of their special agents have taken control over military bases area 52 and area 52-A. But no matter how advanced martian technology is, the chain is just as strong as his weakest link. And fortunately for humanity the weak spot of the martians is their condoleeza rice-teeth-fetish. White house officials have stated that miss rice is being offered to the martians as a sign of peace! Peace, they say! Sending that woman(?) to them is just asking for it.

AMERICA Is it always about eating dinner at night with your eyes fixed to the tv with no social relations with anyone you're with at the moment? well yes. thats all about us americans! Mexicans are similar but more tan, smelly, and not-American.

Politics (or lack thereof)[edit]

Hey guys, whatcha talkin about? Goin to see a movie? thats cool.

The American Government is modeled after that of the Galactic Republic. Each of the states, plus Coca-Cola, McDonalds, Wal-Mart and the world of crime (in thanks for being influential in politics) sends one ambassador to the senate. These ambassadors are given the title 'Jar Jar' and are required by law to refer to themselves as 'Meesa' and their fellow ambassadors as 'Yousa'.

The President, when sworn in, is required to promise that he will strive to follow in the footsteps of the glorious Sith Lord, Darth Sidius Palpatine. He serves for a term of four years or until he is killed by his asthmatic underling. He rules from the Death Star (which a hot air balloon tethered over Washington). The previous president, George W. Bush, was under criticism for behaving less and less like Palpatine and for hiding in a treehouse throughout the Hurricane Katrina disaster reading Superfudge. Needless to say, the President's poll numbers fell dramatically, but rose again once he had the previous pollsters frozen in Carbonite.

Technically the United States is a dictatorship, since all branches of the government are controlled by the President. But it is called a democracy because people can do whatever they please, which usually is limited to such activities such as blowing monkeys, buying accordion music CD's, worshiping their Lord Lady Atima and running over each other in their huge SUV's, which is hardly ever a threat to the power structure. Bill Clinton was the first president to have his blowjob in the Oval Office publicized, yet it is commonly supported knowledge that every president receives a tax-free blowjob in the Oval Office after their inauguration by the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or Monica Lewinsky. The legislature, also known as the "House of Whisperers" is divided into two branches.

Every country in the world is reputed to hate the USA mainly due to the fact the USA has bombed them all but also because of the blatant cockism of all Americans. Because of this all attempts of politics pursued by America is a sham. Also the ruler being a terrorist monkey does not help. A recent poll has shown that America is considered the worst country ever by other countries (but never to its face, because nuclear disarmament is bullshit) and has been chosen as the first country to be flown into space. All of the worlds scientists are working on the technology to do this. It has been rumoured that America may find out how to do this first but this has been seen as bullshit because they are too lazy to actually do anything. And because this rumour was probably started by one of the American politicians, to be sure all, of them were shot, and their heads were placed on spikes around the white house to deter any further attempts on politics by the Americans. As a short term solution the British have begun building a wall around the USA but their attempts are slowed by the constant barrage of terrorists trying to blow up the USA hitting the wall, and the immigration of their Mexican workers to the U.S. Many scientists concur that through history, American politicians are retards who like to screw everything up in this world. American leaders are known to be able to send thousands to their deaths in "Where the fuck am I?" land.

In the pipeline for 2008, the US Department of State plans to urgently bring 'American Peace and Democracy' to the international crisis regions of Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Venezuela and Norway. A spokesman for the State Department recently said that the US additionally remains 'deeply concerned' with the human rights conditions of Baku in Russia, Scotland and Western Australia. And specifically the offshore parts.

The discredited Domino Theory that was a cornerstone of American foreign politics in the past, is now long forgotten and it's been replaced with the contemporary and complex Lego Theory ('You can build anything with Legos').

US President/Prime Minister[edit]

The President of USA is currently a stupid nigger negro by the name of Barrack Hussein Obama, who is really a Muslim terrorist and Saddam Hussein's long lost brother and wants to suicide bomb the whitehouse. He was elected about five minutes and .123432212344545565 seconds ago because Americans figured that the destruction of the white house would be preferable to being led by George W. Bush.

The US president/Prime Minister is selected based on how close he looks like an orangutan, and the latest one in particular is a prize winning monkey. The masses all gather together to vote, and the Person with the most votes loses. Americans feel good knowing that their vote matters and that democracy works. Fox News is the national mascot. Leader of Fox News is an orangutan that goes by the name "Oh'Really"- He is famous notably for his friendly catchprase: "SHUT UP". The liberal media of Fox News is often bashed by President Obama, who constantly goes apeshit on their cracker asses when ever "dem nigga-hatin showflakes fuck up."

American "Geography"[edit]

There are 22 penises (but sadly only one hand) in the USA Map. But they're all short. Idaho is not included in this count, as most all scholars agree that it is, in fact, a dildo. However, there is a small group which argues that Idaho is a douche. These scholars are often ridiculed be the remainder of the academic community and are often considered a bunch of pickle-headed ninnies.

California may also count as a vagina.

The Geography of the USA consists of mostly land. Although some lakes and rivers exist inside, these are mostly inhabited by Native American fishtails.

The circles on the above map show high concentrations of idiocy, obesity, idleness and other such American traits.


The official languages, like, of the United States of America, like are Newspeak, Texan, a mixture between Mandarin and Spanish, like, developed by Francis the Fart in mid 17th century, and Propaganda, with a minority of people, like, speaking ghetto slang, like:

The west-side dialect:"Smoke some bloods and pop some caps, i hizzeard that shitnizzle all up in the four way ya nah? Those cracker frackers be all up in ym grill drinking gin 'n juice ma fucka? ya heard?"

The east-side dialect:"Fizzle Dizzle ma Nizzle fo Shizzle, he Mizzled ma Girlizzle all up i ma Bedizzle, made a Messizzle now my Bedizziles all Stickizzle"

Whitie cracka's:"Boi! Ya nah wha im sayin? Ya nah wha im sayin? Ya nah wha im sayin? Ya nah wha im sayin? DO Ya nah wha im sayin????"

The Rest:"Sex, Duh... ... ... ... ..."

The rarely-used original official language was English, now spoken only by certain families such as the Cabots and Rockerfellers. Every year, around 1000 United Statestians who have studied English are sent as cultural ambassadors to Europe and, upon arrival in England, are invariably amazed to find that the natives there also speak the language.

The majority language is, however, Spanish, evidenced by the name of the United Statestian capital, Los Angeles and the fact that all United Statestians can say "Vaya con dee-os" and "amigo". A minor second language, "Not my mother tongue" is spoken by angsty Germans. Inexplicably, despite not residing in the Americas they all still live there.

There is debate amongst the member states of the UN as to whether America actually controls the organisation. This is, of course, complete nonsense as it is common forbidden knowledge that the Illuminati controls the UN along with every other international organization.

The average American does not have an opinion as to who controls the UN because they don't realise they're actually people on the other side of the oceans. A common misconception, one that undoubtedly everyone has heard at one time or another, is that languages are the prime barriers in communication.

The Free Masons get around this by not speaking a spoken language, rather by speaking an unspoken language that they don't have to speak. The Free Masons control the world, and they regulate the languages and words that are allowed to be filtered into society.

Noted botanist George Orwell writes, "I don't know what this Newspeak is, but I don't fucking like it."

“I don't know who George Orwell is but ill love him as one of my own.”

The People of USA[edit]

Main article: Americans

There are many different people living in the wasteland of USA though all are boring, stupid, lack humour, and whine all day long, and the sole known American from the outside world is a fucking KKK member. Except George W. Bush (Classified as "That Fucking Evil Idiot" by an english dictionary). Some of the inhabitants are: whiners, fat whores, homosexual retards, fat asses, the Irish, the Welsh, Indians, the KKK, Amish, White men, Africans, Black Men, Yellow men, Bea Arthur, Blue men, the Dutch, Swedes, Chinese, Japanese, Republicans, PEOPLE THAT ARENT AS GOOD AS AUSTRALIANS, Homosexuals, Fags, Frogs, Illegal immigrants, Legal immigrants, Red men, the French, Greys (a small colony on Area 51), Arabs, Idiots, This guy, Your Mom, Jesus freaks, Armadillos, Satanists, Pokemon, GI Joe, Rednecks, Liberals, White trash, neo-Nazis, ex-Communists, former hippies and aging yuppies between others.

The demographics of our beloved People's Republic of America.

However, the following are considered vital for the nation's progress, explaining why America is going backwards: Mormons, Mexicans, Mafia, Mobsters, Amish, The very important sect of NRA, Gangstas, Black Panthers, Pink Panthers, Translucent Panthers, Founding Fathers, Hippies, People That Are Not Australian, Capitalists, Nazis, Capitalists, Lawyers, Paranoid Policemen, Michael Moore, Global warming denial types, Televangelists, etc.

And of course, the pathetic: Cowboys, Feds, Spooks, AMERICANS, Men in Black, Car salesmen, Actors, Left-wing teachers, etc.

And the "good people", often portrayed as bad: African Americans, Asian Americans, European Americans, American Americans, Native Americans, grahamtopolis, Jesusland, Caucasians, Gay Americans, Communists... not to forget the furries!!!!!!!!!!! USA also contains the largest population of homosexuals and lesbians in the world per capita.


The REAL demographics of the US.


Typical American parking sign

Tourists from civilized nations should note that American motorists have a tendency to drive on the right as they believe driving on the left in the start of communism of the "highway" - or road as it's more properly called.

Law mandates that slower moving traffic must stick to the left-hand lanes on the freeway (motorway). Turn signals (indicators) must not be used and driving through red lights is compulsory. Cars have been deprecated in favor of SUVs, which must get less than 25 miles per gallon. In California, minimum speed limits of 75 MPH are enforced on the freeway by invisible radar traps. The correct way to greet another road user is a long blast on the horn followed by a friendly "fuck you, asshole!"

Driving on the right made the British very cross and grumpy. The British King George the Third shook his fist and shouted "Grrr, damn you, get over to the other side of the road!". Before he was hit by a huge SUV being driven by a fat American who was too busy munching his McDonald's and reading his car manual upside down to notice George's fat Royal head. Oh, how he cried!

Teenagers may commence drivers-education at 14 years, 8 months and 7 days. At this point they are forced to read a six page handbook (probably the greatest difficulty for any aspiring driver during the whole educational program.)

To avoid confusing the retards highways (motorways)in America have no corners at all.

Foreign Policy[edit]

The US according to the rest of the world.
The world in USA's vision.
Another depiction of the world.

At the core of the United States foreign policy is that most of the population are unaware there are any other countries in the world, let alone have got off their fat asses to visit them. United Statesian foreign policy is often limited to wiping their enormous, surgically enhanced dicks all over the faces of their enemies and naysayers. Generally, people and countries who do not agree with this philosophy "have small wieners, are gay, are French, or have ulterior motives". Most often, policies include various combinations of "Blow the fuckers up!" and "Make jokes based on stereotypes".

  • Jokes about the English should involve references to teeth and the NHS, because it is accepted by morons who have never visited the UK that all English people have yellow teeth (this is yet another example of stupid American mistaking England for the UK.) Americans don't have the NHS because they spend all their money on big macs and orthodontic work instead (thus, if they get ill, they will die). Whereas in the Enlightened UK NHS the patients die without their bank accounts being milked dry as is standard practice in the USA.
  • Joke involving the Scottish is that they are the drink lots of beer and scotch, and have gay sex with farm animals which is true and but far more common in Louisiana.
  • Jokes about the French should involve references to gauloises, lack of showering, excessive angst and Jerry Louis.
  • New Federal Law mandating that the everything be stripped of the adjective "French" and replaced with "freedom", people found violating the law were put to death or exiled to to the freedom city of Paris.

Furthermore, any french product is currently being phased out by the USA, in the hope that by removing any food with flavour and for it to be replaced by McDonalds.

Recently, in the "Department for Foreign Policy and Useless Bombings", a new director was introduced. It is a well-known person, one of the leading experts in geopolitics and international affairs: Paris Hilton. Her first move was to ensure that every bomb that drops from US planes drops with style. After introducing the world's first designer laser guided bomb named simply Chanel No. 5, Paris continued to promote style in making war too. Now every soldier wears Armani helmets and pink camo, and promotes freedom in those horrible "outfashioned" ex-commie proterrorist antigravitational countries like Canada and Australia.

The USA has a unilateral agreement with the United Kingdom that the UK's military hardware will be used for bombing practice and disposing of excess ordinance, during co-operative military operations. This happens to be the reason that World War II broke out; when Germany noticed that it had experienced 90% losses in training practice with the USA. During the training exercise blacks were used.

Though the United States' new strategy in Iraq has proven effective at routing insurgent rebels, it has done little to relieve the stigma of what many perceive as American imperialism.

America at War (Scorecard)[edit]

Current Wars

  • War on Terror.
  • War on Crime.
  • War on Drugs.
  • War on Rock music (just declared over).
  • Real Race War (it just begun).

Declared *cough*wins*cough*

  • Iraq, Afghanistan, 1812, Somalia, Bosnia, Kosovo, Haiti, East Timor and Cuba, Korea, Vietnam, Seminole Wars/Removal and soon Iraq or Afghanistan.

Wins - All Alone

It is worth noting that apart from some spear wielding tribesmen the USA has never won a war by itself:

  • Civil War (On Acid America vs. itself).
  • The Southern Strategy (the right wing of the formerly Northern Republicans).
  • Panama War of 1989 (It should be noted Panama wasn't prepared. It was a surprise attack by America).
  • Year of 2009 (America vs. Bush).
  • The second "Final solution" starting out with Obama first.
  • Pequot War.
  • Narragansett War.
  • Apache wars.
  • Cheyenne wars.
  • Sioux wars.
  • Cola wars.
  • Navajo wars.
  • Nez Perce wars.
  • Cherokee wars.
  • Cherokee removal.
  • Creek wars.
  • Creek Removal.

( notice a pattern? )

  • Chickasaw wars.
  • Chickasaw removal.
  • Choctaw wars.
  • Choctaw removal.
  • Iroquois wars.
  • Iroquois removal.

( pretty much all Native Americans to Oklahoma).

  • Okie removal (Dust bowl from Oklahoma).
  • 1835 war with Mexico (Texas).
  • 1848 war with Mexico (California).
  • Spanish American war, late 1890s.
  • The Philippines (conquest of native people).
  • Hawaii (another conquest of native people).
  • Puerto Rico (also another conquest of native people).
  • Alaska (Russians go home).
  • Louisiana (We are smarter than French people).
  • New York (we kicked out the Dutch). And old new york was once New Amsterdam.
  • War on west Africa to take slaves.
  • War on Korea to take sweat shop slaves.
  • Japanese American internment (removed from L.A....for awhile).
  • Zoot suit riots (Mexican Americans chased out of L.A....for awhile).
  • Race war I (1960s Civil Rights movement, including the L.A. riots of '65).
    • Race war II (1990s P.C. movement, including the L.A. riots of '92).

Wins - With Allies

  • Revolutionary War (America with the help of France vs. Britain, Britain was also fighting a lot of other countries at the time because was bored).
  • World War I (after turning up late)
  • World War II (after turning up late yet again)

(Editor's Note): It seems the author was suffering from syphillis-related insanity considering that he/she (most likely a she given the utter lack of reasoning) believes The Allies won with "late" help (if you can call entering the war for 4 years 'late') of America. In truth the Allies mainly consisted of more competent-intact or exiled-Eastern European forces (compared to the rest of free Eur...whoops), while the heathen's only contributing state was a bombed out and depleted Britain. Oh and parts of Eastasia.

  • Gulf War (America some allies and the blessing of UN vs. Iraq).


  • Korean War, 1950s (America vs. Chinese commies).
  • Canada-America war, 1830s (over the Michigan peninsulas).
  • World Series, 2008 (Phillies think they won the title).

Proxy Wars

  • Afghanistan war, 1980s (when we funded al-Qaeda).
  • Indonesia, 1970s.
  • Zaire, 1960s.
  • The Congo, 1900s.
  • Turkey, 1970s (ending the ottoman empire).
  • India, 1980s (ending the largest democracy).
  • Iraq, 1950s.
  • Iraq, 1970s.
  • Iraq-Iran war, 1980s. (When the US supported both sides ... a sure bet!).
  • Future Iraq-Iran war (Unlikely know war-monger Bush has gone).
  • Cuba, 1950s.
  • Iran, 1950s-70s.
  • Argentina (and the Falkland Islands, the British did the fighting and the Yanks do sod all).
  • Chile (To "free" a country by implanting a dictator).
  • Guatemala, El Salvador and Nicaragua.
  • China vs. Japan, 1930s.
  • Taiwan vs. Japan, 1940s.
  • North vs. South Korea, 1950s.
  • East vs. West Germany, 1960s.
  • just about every other damn country on the planet.
  • Quebec (and Acadia, the Canadians did the fighting).


  • Greece (America vs. Sparta).
  • Civil War (America vs. itself).
  • Vietnam War (America vs. Vietcong).
  • Haiti (America vs. nobody really).


Unreal Wars

  • Cold War (No one's win. Commies realized the inherent paradox of communism).
  • British-American war, 1930s (when FDR and Churchhill pansy slapped each other).
  • Mexican-American war (the Border must be defended, right?)
  • War for god (true).
  • War for oil (very true).

Wars America Is in the Process of Starting

  • Iranian War (America vs. Persian Empire, or one of the longest continuous civilisations in human history).
  • Civil War II (the culture war) - The Southern "Red states" versus the Northern/East Coast/West Coast/Fourth Coast "Blue states".
  • World War III (December 12, 2012) - America vs. every nation on Earth.

Wars America Is in the Process of Losing

  • Iraq War (America vs. yet another innocent country invaded by a President in a bid to get re-elected).
  • Canadian invasion of the USA (our bestest friends...eh?).
  • Mexican invasion of the USA (ongoing since 1776).
  • British invasion of the USA (the UK doesn't give a flying fig about the 13 colonies).
  • Portugese invasion of the USA (because most Americans haven't heard of the country Portugal).
  • French invasion of the USA (our oldest ally...hates us).
  • German invasion of the USA (neo-Nazis rise to power in Germany).
  • Russian invasion of the USA (the Russkies want Alaska back).
  • Japanese invasion of the USA (for building better cars).
  • Chinese invasion of the USA (absolutely, they outnumber us 4 to 1).
  • Muslim invasion of the USA (this time the Al-Quaida will convert us).
  • Indian invasion of the USA (they outnumber us 3 to 1).
  • African invasion of the USA (Nigeria wants to stop us from getting our greedy hands on their oil).
  • Polish invasion of the USA (why not?).
  • Italian invasion of the USA (In revenge for Mussolini's defeat).
  • Vietnamese invasion (fight them in revenge for getting our asses whipped first time around).
  • (Principality of) Monacoan invasion of the USA (they're pissed off at the US for getting more tourism than they do).

Coming soon...

  • Icelandic invasion (they'll butcher us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
  • The rise of the machines prophecied in The Terminator movies.
  • Revolt of the blue states (outdated prediction).
  • Secession of 30 to 40 US states (Civil war '10).
  • Reconquista! The Mexico way, VIVA LA RAZA!
  • Grey Alien invasion. (Dec. 21, 2012).

It is also a well known fact that America can't win a war without the British helping them:

  • World War One-OK, yeah. I meean, sure, they were on the winning side...
  • World War Two-Hollywood cannot rewrite history. The British won that, too.
  • War of Independence-Well, that doesn't count, does it? The British just got bored.

See Also

  • 'Nam-HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! AMERICA LOST!!!!!!!!!
  • Civil War-They lost anyway you look at it...


The United States are a clever people [citation needed], which is exemplified by the fact that even though there are very poor ghetto areas such as Compton, Buffalo, Fun Central, Queen, and the lost city of Atlanta, the poverty-stricken black people of these areas are very fond of creating music, such as rap, blues, and since Katrina that 'Under the Sea' song from 'The Little Mermaid'. These forms of music are appreciated by people throughout the world, and so the States have managed to import money indirectly from their disgusting poverty levels.

Michael Jackson is also an important figure in American music, having such hits as, Thriller, Man In The Mirror, and I Like Sex With Little Boys. He also performed with R. Kelley on a hit single with in 2000 called I Want To Pee On You. Michael Jackson is a legendary performer, and is widely applauded all over America as having set the world record for molesting more children than any other person, surpassing the record set by Rush Limbaugh in 1982 and tied by Geraldo Rivera in 1997. His Neverland Ranch situated at his underground lair in California is considered the largest pedophilia paradise outside of the jurisdiction of the Land Of Disney, which currently has America and Europe under complete control. In 1989 Michael Jackson became the first African American to become white by voluntary surgical procedure. Michael Jackson's role in American music includes the creation of the National Anthem, titled "God Save My Record Contract".

Due to the increasing number of Mexican Illegal Immigrants entering the United States, the national Anthem has been rewritten and the first words "Oh, Say can you see" have been changed to "José, can you see."


Driving in the US of A is a snap!

America's crime rates are very low when we all just turn the graph upside down- the States rank second in North America (north of the Mexican border). These rates, exemplary to the rest of the developed world, are thanks to America's level of personal safety, which is guaranteed by every citizen owning one or more guns.Therefore, the safest place in the USA is Texas. Detroit is also the safest city in America. However, New York City remains the safest city in the Western Hemisphere.

An alternative theory has been suggested by crazy scientists that had been drinking too much night. The theory states that: By creating laws, you create criminals, so by removing laws, you eliminate criminals. Therefore there is such a great opposition to gun control, as it will make everyone who owns a gun a criminal. However, this theory has been dismissed as being a freedom conspiracy to make the rest of the world look better.

American crime is very different from other nations, in that their are many different organized gangs that control the provincial lands. The Vice Lords, the 18th Street Gang, the Costra Nostra, the Jackson 5 and the Butthole Banditos are among the most powerful. These gangs are fiercely territorial and engage in such illicit activities such as armed robbery, extortion, voting, backyard liposuctions and manufacturing illegal sugarbabies. They control a vast majority of local governments through the sale of LSD and key lime pie.


Americans are so prudish, they even keep their clothes on when taking a shower. Except for people in the confederacy, who without exception are sexual perverts fascinated with their limitless exertion of power. A woman giving milk to her baby on TV is pornography. A rape scene or a crime scene is entertainment. The word "Pregnant" is never muttered in public. But men can freely joke about "cunts". In blue states, its okay to be gay, but not to call someone gay. In red states, its the other way around.

The President is granted the right, under the 440th amendment to the Constitution, to have sex with any woman he wants. This includes the homeless, vagrants and people in nursing homes. The American people completely support this power, and a poll done in 2001 showed 68% of the American population wanted the president to have sex with them, a clear indication of what a majority of the nation finds sexy.

Fat obese women are a staple of the American sexual diet, and it is common to see women who have FUPA's (Fat Upper Pussy Area) protruding from their pants. These are sex robots created by Enron to entice the public to, "Find a fold and fuck it!" However, most American men have an unrealistic need for sex with celebrity women. Fake boobs, fake ass, fake hair, fake faces and fake personalities. Yeah uh huh.

Scientists are in awe of why Americans have higher birth rates than more liberal Europeans, Canadians and Australians. When it comes to procreation, Americans will do it. But because rich white Christian Americans are said to never reproduce, nor work and age too quickly, it's up to Mexicans, Hispanics and Latinos to have so many babies they will replace the masters and shall inherit the earth (America). !VIVA LA RAZA!


Americans are a notoriously stupid people. According to a recent gallup poll, only 11% of Americans know that gravity is real, while 79% believe "Some invisible knots keeps us tied to the ground," while 10% remain undecided. Great Britain however still believes that American politicians are stupid assholes, which turned out to be true.

Most scientists believe that most Americans are too stupid to excel at anything academically and turn out to be abusive alcoholics. This was concluded while running tests on Homer Simpson (D'oh!), the "Perfect American" in competition with Peter Griffin (yehheh!).

A recent debate arose in the Kansas school system as to whether teachers should teach evolution alongside the god revealed creationism. A nasty little document called the Constitution of the United States of America - something to do with absolute freedom for all - screwed everything up. The debate became so heated that the creationists began flinging their poop at outsiders to mark their territory. In retaliation, the Scientologists all flocked to the schools, and Tom Cruise gave everyone some cookies and a book called "Hitchhikers Guide to Scientology", an autobiography written by Karl Marx, and reprinted by Jean-luc Picard.

They use it a lot for entertainment.

DC, Marvel and Disney the characters Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Spider-Man, the Incredible Hulk, the X-Men, Mickey Mouse, Winnie the Pooh and The Little Mermaid.

Cold War[edit]

After the cold war, Joseph Stalin said to America:

In "commie-bastardian" (Russian)- Привет мир! Это Иосиф Сталин, выступивший от имени СССР, в котором я принес обратно вместе. Мы будем Nuke Америке мало бит!!!! С нашей Сотни от ядерного оружия.

In the president's only true language (English)- Hello world! It is Joseph Stalin, speaking on behalf of the Soviet Union, in which I brought back together. We'll Nuke America little bit! In our Hundreds of nuclear weapons.

And oh, you knew the Soviet Commie Russians are all Jews? Yes, Hitler knew about this very well.


A sample textbook page
A typical contributer of the U.S
Kids at their final exam.
USA Education Secretary's 'Land of Opportunity' poster campaign. Canada Immigration and Naturalization Service: Hey Dude, come over here, we'll take care of you and FREE LEGAL WEED...eh?

Most American children begin their studies bright and young at 12 years of age, although some start at age 5. At this point they learn arithmetic, pornography and gun safety. The life expectancy for an average public school student is four months after enrollment in the high school system (slightly higher than the life expectancy at Iwo Jima or Omaha Beach.) To the left is an excerpt taken from a eleventh year American Geography text book, Earth:America and Friends. The publishing company was forced to recall the textbook, due to several complaints of "vary hard homework and lots to think." It was soon replaced with the revised edition, Earth: America.

Several educational committees representing America's teachers met in 2005 to discuss the required readings for the 2006-2007 semesters from grades 1 through 12. Below is a list of required readings for the juniors (11th grade).

  • The Wheels on the Bus
  • The Kid's Guide to Money
  • Put me in the Zoo
  • Bambi
  • Go, Dog, Go!
  • The Real Mother Goose
  • Everyone Shits

Following is a list of books proposed and later rejected by the committees along with the reasons for rejection.

  • The Lord of The Rings Trilogy (Contains one or more words larger than seven letters)
  • American geography & atlas (with maps of a little piece of America called United States of America)
  • John Locke's Treatises on Government (Reason for rejection is self explanatory)
  • American Geography Textbook (see above)
  • Official Rules of Badminton (Contains references to a non-American sport)
  • Star Wars: The Novelization (Contains one or more words larger than seven letters)
  • All You Need is Love (Reason for rejection is self explanatory)
  • War and Peace (Contains one or more words larger than seven letters)
  • Star Trek was created by communists (they would find it hard to believe)
  • The Dictionary (Contains one or more words larger than seven letters)
  • America: History of Lies (Not biased towards America)
  • The Little Engine that Could (Contains one or more words larger than seven letters)

The average American IQ is exactly (-76.314789)0.5 meaning most Americans can open doors quite easily (sliding doors pose a higher difficulty rating).

Future of America[edit]

America's future is planned out obviously, stating that the world, a.k.a. the U.S.A., will end on December 21, 2012. This was predicted by the Aztecs. Now, a brief history on the Aztecs. The Aztecs were very violent but smart Natives to current day Mexico. Well, the world will end because Mexico will have an uprising and will conquer the modern day North and South America. This truth came from the idea in the prophecy of the Canadian Bible that one day a Central American would rise up and take control of the two continents of North and South America. Also, in the Mexican Bible, it states that there would be an uprising of two third world countries. Only one was stated in this version of the Bible. It's name was Mexico.

In the Bible it says that the Mexican leader, name unstated, would rise up and bring the entire Central American population to unite against the common enemy, the U.S.A. and Canada, with their stupid curling sports and hockey. The Mexican Bible also states that just because of the conquering of the North and South American continents, it entitles the rest of the world to sit and rot. During this time, in the Christian Bible, is known as the Apocalypse. The tribulation time was uncertain. The rapture was set to happen during the year of 2020. However, that is bogus.

An ironic statement though, because there is a song by the name of Money Money 2021, by the Network. This definitely points to "Aliens" coming into our planet. But the real question is, is it outer space aliens or illegal aliens from Mexico that want to start this uprising a decade too soon.

See also[edit]

Countries and territories of North America
Main: United States of America | Canada/Canadia | Mexico | Jesusland | Confederate States of America | Québec
Northernmost: Mediocre Britain | Canada States | Duchy of Björk | People's Republic of Canada | Awesome land/Not So Awesome Land
Atlantic: United Spades of Amerika | Wikiland
Caribbean: Barbados | Communist | Dominican Republic | Earthquake | Jamaica | Tortuga | Trinidad and Tobago
Atlantic: United Kingdom of Britannia and Northern Pangaea
Northernmost: Greenland | Gayman Islands | Acadia | St. Pierre and Miquelon | Cancanada
Gulf of Mexico: Pen Island | Tropico | Orgasm
Caribbean: Martinique | Bermuda Triangle | British Virgin Islands | Cayman Islands | Monkey Island | Puerto Rico | U.S. Virgin Islands