United States presidential election, 1789
George Washington was elected the first President of the United States after a bitter campaign against Generalissimo Ben Franklin. Washington was a member of the Whig Party. Franklin was a member of the No Whig Party.
The core issue of the 1789 election was whether or not whigs were a bitchin' idea or not, with Franklin arguing that whigs made Americans look like a bunch of boy buggering Brits.
Said Franklin, "Why did we fight Mediocre Britain, if not to avoid looking like a bunch of toothless perverts?!"
Other issues included:
- Is God dead?
- Can we afford enough whips to crack all the niggers?
- Taxing whiskey, does it encourage people to work harder to make more money to buy the same amount of whiskey?
- Injuns: better dead?
Washington ran on the "I'm George Washington" platform. This was considered impressive, following a 1788 Maury Povitch Show DNA test result proving that Washington was indeed America's daddy.
Franklin's campaign slogan was "Freak Power today, Freak Power forever!!!" Franklin's campaign keyed on the lust Americans have for doing weird things. This was punctuated when Franklin appeared on the TV show Jackass flying a kite during a thunderstorm.
In 1789, there weren't really debates. Both mean met in an open field outside Trenton, NJ, where they drew pistols and shot each other.
The first debate was considered a win for Franklin. Franklin shot Washington in the left leg just above the knee. Washington missed Franklin entirely.
The second debate is considered either a draw or a slight win for Franklin. Franklin shot Washington in the face, blowing out the majority of his teeth, and giving rise to the legend of Washington's Wooden Teeth. Washington returned the favor, hitting Franklin at the crown of the head blowing off a good portion of Franklin's hair.
As whigs were a key issue of the campaign, many scholars score Washington's shot as a debate win, since it emphasized the need for Americans to continue to own whigs.
The third debate fell decisively for Washington. Franklin once again shot Washington in the head, this time blowing off his left ear and part of the back of his skull. However, Washington shot Franklin in the upper-right part of his chest.
Death of Ben Franklin
Franklin came down with pneumonia. Despite the best efforts of doctors, there weren't enough leeches available after the war to plug the bullet and suck all the evil humors out of it.
Rise of Zombie Ben Franklin
Three days after his burial, and two days before the election, Ben Franklin rose from the dead.
He campaigned heavily by train, promising that if he were elected, he would eat George Washington's brain and legalize brain eating for all Zombie-Americans.
Results of the election
Washington won the election in a landslide, beating Franklin with 58% of the vote. Washington carried all 14 states' electoral votes.
Exit polls showed that Washington won 93% of the white vote and 90% the non-zombie vote. Frankling carried 80% of the white zombie vote, 98% of the black zombie vote, and 75% of the non-zombie black vote.
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See also: HowTo:Win a Presidential Election in the USA • Political advertising