United States presidential election, 1796

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John Adams was elected the second President of the United States, running against Thomas Jefferson. Adams was a member of the Federalist Party. Jefferson was a member of the schizophrenic Democratic-Republican Party.

Issues[edit]

The Zombie Crisis of 1789-1792 had largely subsided after Adams killed Zombie Ben Franklin.

Adams became a war hero for killing the zombies. The No Whig Party disappeared. As the No Whigs went away, the Whig Party lost it's raison d'etre and also disappeared.

Into the void came the Federalists, who supported the assertion of a Stalinist police state and the Democratic-Republicans, who supported a two party system when neither party could be distinguished from the other.

Other issues included:

  • Niggers: are we whipping them enough?
  • Niggers: are we feeding them too much?
  • Injuns: worth the bullet, or should we slit their throats?
  • Immigration: should we kill them all?(precursor to the Dago Crisis of 1880)
  • Minimum wage: should it be raised to three cents a day?

Platforms[edit]

Adams ran as a war hero, garnering accolades for his successful war against the zombies.

Jefferson ran as an anti-war hero. He promised a peaceful America where wars of aggression would be replaced by regular public beatins of escape negro slaves.

Jefferson also promised a return of the zombies, as many Americans had tired of watching TV.

Adams would counter late in the race with a promise of new fun, by opening the frontier and letting people go apeshit killing as many Injuns as they could shoot before someone else shot them.

The debates[edit]

The first two sets of Presidential debates had been a disaster. The 1789 debate left Benjamin Franklin a zombie. The 1792 debate was a game of paper, rock, scissors punctuated by Washington mutilating Zombie Ben Franklin.

The debate commisssion decided t change format again. In 1796, both candidates were entered into three eating contests.

The first eating contest was the first annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. Adams won, eating 32 hot dogs in 15 minutes. Jefferson barely finished 18.

The second eating contest was a pussy eating contest held in Detroit. Jefferson won hands down, eating 16 pussies in 15 minutes. Adams forfeited because he's a prissy New England snob.

The third contest was a bug eating contest during the first episode of the hit TV show Fear Factor. Jefferson again won after Adam forfeited again.

Results of the election[edit]

Adams won the election narrowly, carrying 49% of the vote to Jefferson's 47%. Jefferson carried 90% of the female vote, a product of his pussy eating contest win, and 95% of the black vote, a product of the fact he was the father 94% of all black Americans.


United States Presidential Elections
1800 • 1840 • 1948 • 1960 • 2008 
See also: HowTo:Win a Presidential Election in the USA • Political advertising