University of Arizona

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University of Arizona
UASeal.gif
Motto Bear Down! (something you do while in the john).
Established 1885, reconstructed in 1997
School type Public
Head Likins
Location Tucson, Arizona, USA
Campus Desert
Faculty 7,000,000
Mascot Your Mom

“King Tut went there, but thankfully, Tamia didn't”

~ Oscar Wilde on University of Arizona

The University of Arizona is a first-choice school for some 34,998 students who are concerned about getting drunk every day of the week in a warm environment with beautiful women, and a sixth- or seventh-choice school for some 2 students who care about academics (oddly enough, they are both Asian). Located in Tucson, Arizona the University offers such degrees as bartending, drinking, hangover prevention and scientology. Traditionally known as the "Harvard of the Tucson Metropolitan Area," that title is in jeopardy because of recent gains made by the Pima Community College.

Admissions[edit]

  • Do you have a pulse? Congratulations, you are in! Heck we let Miles Simon in.
  • University admissions directors will take your SAT score, your ACT score, or how many shots of liquor you can consume in an hour, whichever number is highest.
  • If you are from a state with a funny name that is hard to spell (like Navada), send in your application and your college options are open.
  • If you still cannot seem to get in, and you are good looking, send in a picture and your letter of acceptance will be in the mail.
  • If you are an athlete out to kill someone, this is not the place for you, but Arizona State would be very interested in you. (University of Arizona athletic department standards frown upon killings by athletes, although occasional assaults and armed robberies are accepted as "good clean fun.")
  • Elvis has been accepted into the university numerous times, as he is still alive.

Areas of Special Excellence[edit]

The UA has been nationally and internationally recognized as excelling in several areas. These include:

  • Most flyovers by loud military jets less than 500 feet above the ground (thanks to Tucson's Davis-Monthan Air Force Base)
  • All alumni donations used on useless sculptures and condescending monuments instead of on education. These include the "Don't Beat Your Wife Plaza," the "Alumni Control UA Plaza," and the "Charles Keating Monument To Personal Integrity, Or To Lack Thereof."
  • Courses scheduled to let frat and sorority members avoid any Friday classes so that they may drink themselves to a stupor on Thursday night.
  • Largest student protest against cuts in library hours. Declaring "our roommates are too %@^& noisy, we need to study and sleep in the library!" over two thousand students occupied the library overnight. Whenever police officers demanded that the students leave, the officers were met with "mass shushing."
  • The "U" was recently a semifinalist for a George W. Bush National Party School Award, but lost out due to having a department called "Evolutionary Biology," which was judged offensive.
  • KAMP, the student radio station transmits to residence halls using tin cans and taut string.

Greek Life[edit]

The UA has a wide variety of Greek organizations on Campus, resulting in a varitable Greek Alphabet soup. Here are some of the larger, more influential, and noteworthy houses that grace the UA:

  • Delta Delta Delta: Tri-Delt for short, this sorority is one of the more colorful houses at the UA. Tri-Delts are the most sophisticated women on campus, proudly supporting their favorite pastimes: alcohol, sex, hangovers, immaculate contraception, and eating mass quantities of pancakes. A few Tri-Delts have graduated the UA to complete successful careers in the service industry, street-corner tricks, dancing, and School Teaching.
  • Sigma Alpha Mu: Also known as SAMMy by those who are even aware of the existance of this fraternity, Sigma enjoys the reputaion (or lack thereof) of being an all-Jewish fraternity on campus. SAMMy is a smaller organization within the Greek system, but has a proud history as...well...the only Jewish fraternity on campus. But wait, what about the frat with the frat with a menorah in the seal, Alpha Episolon Pi? Despite the fact they have no house (yet), they still continue to recruit new members by the car-load each year. Now they have lost all chance of even recruiting, since they had a prior who put them into the ground. R.I.P.
  • Gamma Phi Beta: G-Phi, as it is more commonly known, is the one UA sorority with the sexiest sisters on campus. As the Home of Hottness, G-Phi is also home to some of the trendiest fashions at the UA. Here, fashions such as the Uggs-skirt combo were born, as well as large Gucci sunglasses that would be more appropriate for skiing than anything else. Even the infamous popped Polo collar can trace its roots to Gamma.

Sports[edit]

  • Every building in the city of Tucson dates from April 1997 at the earliest, as the city was completely torched by drunken college students celebrating Arizona basketball's National Championship.
  • Sex Panther is the official musky scent of the Arizona football team, as it's the only thing that stinks worse.
  • The university nickname, Wildcats, is derived from the fact that there are no less than 100,000 feral cats living in the basement of the old gymnasium.
  • 'Bear Down Arizona', the school's fight song, is actually a Teddy Roosevelt quote from his Cuban Roughriders days. The man who wrote the song heard Teddy scream to himself "Bear Down" while dropping a load in the john.
  • Ice Hockey is the most popular sport on campus, even in the hellish heat of Tucson, because it is the only sport where alcohol is served at the games.
  • There is also a drinking team that plays some pretty good Lacrosse on the weekends.
  • The single greatest athletic hire in Arizona history was football coach John Mackovic. He lead the Mildrats to back to back losing seasons before being fired in his third season.

Notable Alumni[edit]

Famous Professors[edit]

  • Al Sharpton (currently teaches the course "Rap, culture & God")
  • Eddie Murphy (currently teaches the course "Party all the time")
  • Mike Tyson (tenured nutrition professor)
  • Henry Bibby (on how to recruit basketball players)

Fun Facts[edit]

  • Wilbur the Wildcat is neutered, creating quite a problem for Wilma the Wildcat, who has yet to have the operation.
  • The Lindbergh Baby is said to be cryogenically frozen in the Animal Testing labs.
  • Also known as the Construction Capital of the World!
  • There are more red bricks at the UA than there are Hindus in Calcutta.
  • There are no dorms, only residence halls.
  • The only thing hotter than the Tucson sun are the women.
  • Basketball is a euphemism for sex. (Football is its prophylactic)
  • Sex is an euphemism for sex.
  • The UA has potentially the highest dead hamster-to-faculty-ratio in the entire world!
  • The phrase 'Touch my tooter' originated here as a 1950's band joke. In the ensuing decades, it's become much, much more perverted.
  • In July, it gets so hot that summer school freshmen spontaneously combust.
  • The basement of the student union is an important stop on the Mexican Underground Railroad.
  • The burrito is the official food of the University of Arizona. In fact, it is illegal to eat anything that is not in burrito form.
  • The U of A is home to the best-read student newspaper in the country, because everyone likes reading their name in the Police Beat section.
  • Though the U of A can be known as a "party school," if you don't have a car, or aren't affiliated with the Greek scene, you're out of luck when it comes to throwin' some shots back.
  • Was the location in which Revenge of the Nerds was filmed, most students opted to not go to classes to try to be extras during production.
  • Some students who aren't too concerned about getting drunk can be kind of pissy at times (see above).
  • The university's acronym (UOA) contains all vowels.
  • The University invented procrastination, and it is used 100% of the time by all the drunken students.

Fun Categories![edit]

Sigma Alpha Epsilon is wildly regarded as the home of Challange Pissing (or CP for short) on the U of A campus. All freshman looking to enter Greek life must first piss 6 feet straight up into the air, and not get wet.

Many years prior, CP was much easier to accomplish and get into, as all tryouts were held on the mall, and the piss would evaporate after traveling an average of 14 inches into the air.

Now, all school sanctioned Challenge Piss-off contests are held indoors, after Geraldo Rivera famously got melanoma on his pecker and tried to sue the school. and as part of TITLE IX, sorority sisters are now included in all Greek activities. Sorority sisters are now allowed to compete, which is why you see so many of them in swimsuits all the fucking time.


Jimmy Tatro famously attended the U of A before dropping out after failing nearly ever singly one of his classes. What did you expect? The guy went to the U of A, he's fucking retarded. Formerly the CP champion, Tatro was stripped of his title after being defenestrated by Geraldo Rivera.