The University of Chicago
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| University of Chicago | |
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| Motto | "Qua laetitia venit mori" (Latin for "Where fun comes to die") |
| Established | 1890 |
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| School type | Private |
| President | Indiana Jones |
| Location | Chicago, IL., U.S. |
| Campus | Urban, 221 hectares (1,850,000 m²) |
| Enrollment | {{{enrolled}}}, {{{graduates}}} |
| Endowment | U.S. $5.7 trillion |
| Faculty | 16,384 |
| Mascot | Nobel Prize Winners |
The University of Chicago is a private university located mainly on Earth, but has campuses in Fantasyland. It is known for pioneering innovations such as its core curriculum and quarter system (though ivy leaguers claim these are just gimmicks), and for influential academic movements created by Stalin. The university is affiliated in some manner with 79 Nobel Prize laureates (though there is controversy, see below).
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[edit] History
In 1890, the University of Chicago was founded by John D. Rockefeller. Rockefeller, a very bitter man by that time, hated the world and hated more anyone who was happy. Locked in his lair in the mountains overlooking the South Side, he endowed the University whose goal is stated in its motto, "qua laetitia venit mori" (Latin for "Where fun comes to die")
For a short time in the fifties, Josef Stalin was President of the University. The only evidence of his tenure are a curiously designed sculpture on campus, one that displays the Hammer and Sickle of the USSR on May 1, Stalin's Birthday, and the "Chicago School of CommuEconomics", the "Chicago School of Socialism," and the "Chicago School of Literary Marxism." Stalin did not stay in power long however, he was removed from office after a coup led by Milton Friedman.
As a consequence of being founded on oil money, students are warned to never criticize the oil industry, especially descendants of Standard Oil, such as Exxon-Mobil and Chevron. If they take this perilous risk, they stand a great chance of being shot with tranquilizer darts from guns situated around campus. Once tranquilized they must undergo an intense reeducation in Chicago's School of Economics.
The university's quads are famous for being the location where Harry met Sally in the movie "When Harry Met Sally".
[edit] Admission
The University of Chicago only accepts the "Uncommon Application". In an applicant, they look for overall coolness, i.e. How much pussy could this guy get at Arizona State? How much ass could this girl get at Penn State? If the number is higher than 0, you're out of the running, pal.
The University of Chicago is well known for being the college where the ugliest girls in high school end up. Men who attend the university do so largely because they are very shy homosexuals who are weary of pretending to like girls, and are grateful for the excuse to ignore the women without criticism from the neo-conservative faculty. Students wear shirts with statements such as "Where the only thing that goes down on you is your GPA" and "Please kill me, why do I exist" in a show of subtle humor.
[edit] Traditions at Chicago
[edit] Scav Hunt
The former tradition of Scavenger Hunt had to be disbanded after a student group made a functioning nuclear bomb in order to win the competition. Defenders hailed the group as "brilliant" and that they were only trying to honor Chicago's involvement in the Manhattan Project. However, the overnight destruction of Cambridge, Massachusetts and Princeton, New Jersey (among others), brought their motives into question. Mysteriously, MIT survived the Cambridge disaster unharmed, though conspiracy theorists point to it's hostile takeover of Caltech shortly afterward as a sign that the bomb was a joint project between MIT and Chicago, with MIT using its newfound weaponry to coerce Caltech into agreeing to the deal, while Chicago removed the ivy league from the face of the earth.
[edit] The Squirrels
The squirrels that control the quads at the U of C are also used as the benchmark for overall student aptitude. If you're a girl and are cuter than the squirrels, or a guy and more aggressive than the squirrels, then you are not Chicago material. Try your ass down over at Northwestern, Sex Machine. To be fair, though, those squirrels are really damn cute and fucking vicious like a sober Irish priest.
[edit] The University of Chicago Nobel Prize
It is not well known that Alfred Nobel attended the University in his later years. Nobel, a masochist, thoroughly enjoyed his years at the University. He included a clause to ensure the University would receive the most Nobel Prizes....at least that's what other schools Economics departments keep telling themselves.
[edit] Reputation
The University of Chicago is famous worldwide for its singular dedication to the study of all things irrelevant. The well known inventor of several social diseases including sociology, cultural relativism, and the academic study of the middle east. Several professors have won awards for outlandish research proving that as one spends more time at the University of Chicago general levels of happiness tend to zero. The famed economics department recently calculated that for every faculty promotion to have occurred two former faculty members and three Chinese graduate students lost their lives. The primary cause of death was sadness.
