University of Maryland
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“What state is it in again?”
The University of Maryland is located at the heart of the world's only zoned global landfill: Prince George's County, located in the otherwise occasionally-scenic half-state of Maryland. It is unique in that it is the world's largest place of higher learning devoted solely to the education of children afflicted with Infant Onset Chronostatic Gigantomorphism. It fuses the overcrowded, depersonalized education-by-proxy of an average large university with the rage-inducing ennui of a cowtown degree mill.
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[edit] Origin
Founded in 1836 by a rogue band of racists, narcissists and bed-wetters, the University of Maryland originally began as a homeless shelter aimed at ridding Maryland of its long-standing and well-documented struggles with violent crime, narcotics abuse, psychological disorders, and public defecation. Building the university was no small endeavor, given the fragile psyches, blubbery frames, and general laziness of the state congressmen. Fortunately for them, slaves were in season and the 1835 harvest was particularly good. Over the past few years, the state legislature had also collected over $47 billion via the taxation of opiate sales.
“That's where my royalties went?!”
The University shelter functioned for twelve years, until the DARE program intervened and informed the racists and bed-wetters that education was the best deterrent. Operating under strict orders from the shelter director, volunteers (the same "volunteers" that brought you cotton and peanuts from Georgia around that time) boarded up the windows and doors and the racists and bed-wetters began to teach. However, due to inbreeding, lack of curriculum standards and terminal ineptitude, students began to develop Asperger's syndrome and have since devolved into the specimens seen today, often able to do no more with their lives than fall out of bed every morning and forget the morning every evening, if you know what I mean.
[edit] Facts
Established: 1836
Enrollment: 32,517
Alma Mater: "No One Pays Attention to Us (waa waa)"
Fight Song: "Beat Duke, Lose to Clemson, Miss the Tournament, Burn a Couch!"
Team Name: Teh Rapin's
Mascot: Testy Testicle the Drug Test Turtle
[edit] Statistics
32.1% of New Jersey residents aged 18 to 23 attend UMD. (50.1% pump gas, and 17.8% are prostitutes.)
54.3% of UMD students have been convicted of a felony.
99.1% of UMD students WILL be convicted of a felony.
62.2% of UMD students can't spell "felony".
31.1% of UMD students were actually admitted to the University of Virginia instead. Guidance counselors are too inept to inform them.
90% of UMD students believe they are better than others. The other 10% make no bones about their utter lack of life-skills and the yuppie leanings which lead to their enrollment.
85% of others are better than UMD students. Wondering about the other 15%? Look no further than Liberty University and the charmingly backwoods Texas A&M
[edit] Rivals
- Duke
- Pornography
- JJ Redick
- Common sense
- Charles Darwin
- Critics
- Hygiene standards
- Inferiority complexes
- Loathing and self-doubt
- Motor skills
- Prince George's County Police
- Class
[edit] Popular Activities
- Sexual deviancy
- Rape
- Incest
- Pot
- Frotteurism
- That one club that gives out all the pizza
- Llama breeding
- Covert Racism
- Overt Racism
- Ironic Racism
- Ironically Unironic Racism
- Couch Burning
- Douchebaggery
- Collar Poppin
- Visiting the Two Bars in College Park and Saying "Oh, Mi Gawd"
- Ignoring the Nihilistic Void
[edit] Majors
- Middle Management
- Mediocrity (45% of students enrolled in this program opt for a fast-tracked Middle Management / Mediocrity double-major)
- Littering
- Barfighting
- Streetfighting
- Lesbian Catfighting
- Dogfighting
- Turtlefighting
- Fightingfighting
- Understanding the White Man's Burden
- Collecting Dining Hall Silverware
- Disorderly Conduct
- Criminal Justice (toughest major, not recommended; see: Chris McCray)
- Eskimo Cuisine
- Whatever Major It Is That Requires You To Wear Pajamas Constantly
- Poledancing
