University of Mississippi

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The University of Mississippi (also known as Ole Miss) is an allegedly coeducational (although the entire student body is composed of women and metrosexuals) junior college located in Oxfart, Mississippi, a town so named because mythical deity Jefferson Davis said it smelled like an ox's fart.

Founded in 1848, the school is composed of a large barn and three dozen trailers.

Total enrollment on The University of Mississippi is unknown; chancellor Billy Brewer counted ten students, then kicked off his flip-flops and counted ten more, but could not get his overalls of and had to stop at 20.

Academic Divisions[edit]

The degree-granting divisions located at the Main Campus:

  • School of Inbreeding
  • School of Animal Insemination
  • School of Fashion and Interior Design (males only)
  • School of Hating On Those Damnyankees and Negroes

History[edit]

Classes were interrupted with the outbreak of the War of Northern Aggression, although learning wasn't happening anyway so it had no effect. Most Ole Miss students spent the war sipping mint juleps on their front porches and letting students at archrival Mississippi State do the actual fighting. When the local draft boards visited the area, Ole Miss students disguised themselves by donning hoopskirts and successfully passing themselves off as women. While this tradition has declined since 1900, it lives on in another form. Before soccer games, fans like to gather in the center of campus, known as the Holler, and decorate their truck beds with floral centerpeices. They also eat fried chicken off fine china and for some odd reason refer to this as tailgating.

The school was integrated in 2005 when 29-year-old James Meredith matriculated there. President Al Gore called in 20,000 National Guardsman to protect Meredith. A massive race riot occurred as a result. The Ole Miss library was burned to the ground, destroying six dozen books. This was a great loss because half the books hadn't been colored yet. The upside was that due to media coverage of the race riot, people outside of Oxford now know what Ole Miss is.

Accolades[edit]

(None)

Interesting Facts[edit]

  • The University houses the largest banjo collection in the United States.
  • Ole Miss fans are notoriously ornery. Researcher Bobby Boucher recently discovered the reason: they have all those toothbrushes and no teeth.
  • Deliverance was inspired by the Ole Miss campus.
  • Vaught Hemingway is the only college football stadium with portapotties in its skyboxes.
  • The campus has been destroyed by tornadoes eight times.
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2004-2005 Facts[edit]

OLE MISS FACTS 2004-05

ENROLLMENT Ninety-seven percent of undergraduates are from Mississippi, and .1 percent of all students are minorities. International students are looked on with suspicion as they talk English funny. 100% of all students were rejected by better schools like Southern Miss, Mississippi State, and Lafayette County Elementary.

The admission standards are hilarious. An ACT score of 16 qualifies you for admission. That's like a 760 on the SAT for those of you outside the South*. This school's supposed to be a flagship??

LIBRARIES None--it burned down in the aforementioned race riot.

TECHNOLOGY A massive technology upgrade was performed using the insurance money from the library fire. Rather than rebuilding a trailer full of useless crap like books, lanterns were installed throughout campus so people could see at night. A fundraising drive has been planned so a telegraph can be installed in the main barn.

FACULTY AND STAFF The only faculty member of note was George Lucas, who quickly left Oxfart on the grounds that "this place is the biggest pile of crap I've ever seen". Lucas went on to invent the famous "up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-B-A-Start" method of obtaining 30 lives. When Ole Miss tried to bring him back, he said, "I'm never coming back to that hellhole. Not in this life and not in any of the next 29."

STUDENT HOUSING Freshmen generally live off campus in clapboard houses. Upperclassmen eventually gain the privilege of living in on-campus mobile homes; however, the waiting list is quite long. Students usually have to wait until their tenth sophomore year to qualify.

Double-wide trailer homes house some fraternity members. These have higher turnover, as failure to wear khakis, J. Crew shirts, sweaters tied around the neck, and women's underwear will result in immediate expulsion. Clothing inspections are performed daily. Absolutely no deviations from the dress code are allowed.

ATHLETICS Ole Miss is the doormat of the Southeastern Conference. Its football team hasn't won the SEC championship in decades* and is the only Western Division team never to appear in the conference championship game*. Its baseball team hasn't won a game in Omaha since hippies were tooling around in VW Bugs*. Its basketball team has never won the SEC. Ever*. They have also never won a national championship in any sport*, although they claim a football title for a season they didn't even win their own conferece*. They are, across the board, the laughingstock of the conference. At least Vanderbilt has academics.

The teams at Ole Miss are known as the Runts.

A protest was held August 5, 2005, over the NCAA's policy banning offensive mascots from postseason events. The protest broke up when the crowd realized that Ole Miss has no mascot* and no chance of being in the postseason anyway. The traditional Mascot, Pole Smoker, was dropped due to protests from gay rights groups, who objected to being represented by a loser, even if they had good fashion sense. A contest was held to replace him, and fans were asked to choose among Moses, a catfish, and Beck. The contest generated an enthusiastic reponse from fans, but was cancelled when athletic officials ealized the entries had been submitted by rival fans. Moses represented Ole Miss being lost in the wilderness for forty years; the catfish represented them being a bottom feeder, and Beck represented them being a loser who was going to get killed. Further, Beck threatened a lawsuit, stating that he never said he was THAT big a loser.

Ole Miss has major rivalries with DrVery, Bryman, Vanderbilt, Wyoming, and Memphis. They also play Bama on a regular basis but get bitch slapped every time.

ALUMNI The exact number is not known, as written records require literacy.

CAMPUS A backwoods center of inbreeding, best known for smelling like a cow pasture.

Noteworthy alumni[edit]

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

  • In the article above, *=Didn't make that part up.