Unknown space phenomena

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Two Unknown Space Phenomena. NOT PICTURED: Girls.

“Why…does…this…keep…happening…to me?!”

~ Captain Kirk on Unknown Space Phenomena

“What I want to know is, why did Dr. Noonien Soong program Data in multiple techniques, living out there alone in the hills as he did? After all, he had the sheep…”

~ Benny Hill on Unknown Space Phenomena

An outer space disturbance commonly encountered when tensions are reaching a boiling point, such as when a glittering red cloud accompanied by its own flagrant theme music descends upon your 'Eden' vessel during heated anti-cloning rallies, unknown space phenomena have been the rescuer of faltering Starfleet careers and the bane of deep space colonists everywhere. A natural feature of such disturbances is that they prevent sensors from determining any other features or abilities of the anomaly. However, it is a solid assumption to make that they are bad. Without exception. Should you encounter one, you are doomed—unless you have an engineer who can quickly re-align every relay connected to the deflector dish by pressing one Big red button, which will cause a build up of tachyons that can be shot at the unknown thing to zap it back into non-existence. You, naturally, could not do this yourself, as there are no user-serviceable parts inside. This will always work, unless of course the anomaly is anti-time...or as everybody knows you are a colonist, in which case you know you don’t have an engineer or a prayer, and Starfleet personnel are laughing at your frantic distress calls over the radio…

Don’t Try Too Hard[edit]

Solid data collected by the USS Enterprise, NCC-1701D, has proven that the action of trying to prevent an anomaly from forming can actually aid in the formation of an anti-time phenomenon. This is academically known as the Chinese Finger Trap Syndrome. Captain James T. Kirk, poster boy for Odysseus-like escapes, learned the lesson well the first time. Captain Carol K. Perk, of whom we know nothing, clearly did not. Best advice? Put the phaser down. Let it happen. Go with the flow. Look for an engineer.

Unalterable USPs[edit]

Uh, what are those things on the captain's face? I call USP! Aren't glasses a has-been in the 24th Century?

Some unknown space phenomena that can't be altered, such as the Nexus Ribbon which is a tear in the inter-dimensional structure of our space-time. What the United Federation of Planets finds particularly worth chortling at each other over Bavarian Cream Galaxxon coffees is the paradox that the location and unchanging nature of the Nexus Ribbon is well-known, and yet it remains classified as an unknown space phenomenon. This is the kind of thing that frumpy Federation librarians laugh themselves into cardiac arrest with.

Tachyons[edit]

Tachyons tend to be associated with anything that is unknown. This is a direct effect of Stephen Hawking, who mentioned the things briefly during a lecture by accidentally hitting the wrong key on his electronic voice synthesizer but would never admit it. If you find Tachyons, you won't know what they are doing, where they are coming from, or how to stop them. Your only shot is to make your own Tachyons from a bag of marbles and flick them right back to where the unknown tachyons are coming from. Hopefully the alternate universe from which they are emanating understands the laws of pool, and will react accordingly.

See Also[edit]