“Eventually, Windows is going to run on all sorts of devices, possibly even computers.”
Microsoft founder and chairman Bill Gates is, as some would suggest, a "rich person." That means he has a great deal of money, which he often uses to buy things, such as poor defenseless software companies whose only crime is to compete with Gates' Evil Microsoft Empire. And, since relinquishing the position of CEO and Fucking Killer to Steve Ballmer, Gates has also become an important philanthropist. However, his charitable endeavors, while laudable, have occasionally been branded "self-serving" because they generally involve providing computers running Microsoft products to children in impoverished third-world countries — possibly in an effort to "lock them in" to expensive proprietary solutions when free alternatives are just as easily available.
Spuriously quoting Gates has become a favorite pastime of Linux users and various open-source advocates who, though well-intentioned, might easily find better things to do with their time if they could stop being quite so obsessive about everything.
Gates on Business
- Im rich Biatch!
- "Our corporate strategy is the same as it's always been: Our customers are our most important asset. After all, we paid a lot for our customers, so they'll do what we tell them, or else."
- "I still get half, right?"
- "The reason American business dominates the world information economy is simply because Americans have the most information. And they've sacrificed a lot to give us all that information — money, privacy, safety, security... It's win-win!"
- "I've never understood why so many people think large corporations are 'evil.' Certainly we don't all worship Satan or Cthulhu or Dick Cheney... In fact, the latest poll showed that only about 85 percent of corporate executives practiced ritualistic human sacrifice, and most of them only do it on weekends."
- "If God and Jesus made an empire of sexiness, they would call it Microsoft."
- "It's Microsoft! Almost as good as fried chicken."
- "Microsoftian lackeys, I RULE YOU."
- "If Microsoft needs a ninja death squad, we'll buy one. No, I'll buy one."
- "Ka-ching ka-ching ka-ching!"
- "Everytime I see a Windows Vista box on the shelf, I can't help but sing, 'Here comes the moneeeeeey!'"
- "303 error: you are performing an illegal action. Don't do drugs."
Gates on Technology
- "We invented BSOD, that's what we call genuine advantage"
- "The future of computing is hard to predict. You have to figure there will be computers around, and people will probably turn them on and off occasionally. Beyond that, we're not really prepared to speculate."
- "I guess it doesn't matter if it works or not, as long as they keep paying."
- "Mastering modern technology is relatively simple; there are buttons and switches, and you press the buttons and flip the switches. When you start getting into knobs, though, that's when you start having problems."
- "DDE will revolutionize the way we work, live, and interact with our applications well into the 21st Century."
- "640 yoctabytes ought to be enough for anybody."
Gates on Competitors
- "Really, if I were a duck, I wouldn't just sit there like that."
- "How much to make them disappear? Is that all? Do it."
- "It's vital for any successful business to have a strategy for dealing with competitors. Ours is called 'vaporware.'"
- "Like my grandfather always said, if you can't beat 'em, make your vertical-monopoly flagship product completely incompatible with 'em."
- "For every Linux user, there are 5,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Windows users and their 67.24 grandmothers."
- "I get half of that too, right?"
- "You say it's free? Well shit, why aren't we using it? Oh."
- "They're living in the past. Where are the thousand-percent profit margins? The $500 per-seat licenses with 20 percent annual maintenance? How can you possibly run a business without paying for those things?"
- "Why would you want to buy a computer that's preconfigured with Linux when for only $100 more you could have one that's preconfigured to not work at all?"
- "Fine have your Linux but no one else cares about you so I win. God damn you guys are annoying. Maybe if you ran Windows you could get more done in your attempts to destroy me and Windows."
- "We love our users. Could you pass the salt, Steve? Oh, and Pierre, it looks like this one's still moving."
- "Our statisticians estimate that quite a lot of people are using Windows, and some of them also have computers."
- "Our statisticians have also calculated that out of every ten Windows users, five are half of them."
- "I do feel some sympathy for people who use Windows, especially those who've been using it for a long time. There were a lot of bugs in Windows 3.x, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows 98SE, Windows 2000, and even in Windows XP. That's why we're going all-out with Windows Vista, to get rid of those bugs and replace them with all-new ones."
- "Gee, I never knew I could find millions of subjects for my experiments on anguish, pain, and suffering. All I needed is bug-ridden software."
Gates on Steve Ballmer
- "Steve is a good guy to have around, especially when you want to fucking kill someone and you're in a hurry to get somewhere."
- "I've been friends with Steve Ballmer for a long time, and I can say that Steve treats his friends very well. In most cases he'll even give you a pretty good running start."
- "Steve's a very serious person. In fact, I had to completely stop telling jokes in his presence after that time I said we should try to fucking kill off competitors while they're still in the womb."
- "Steve is a master of fucking killing people, but I don't think people fully appreciate him for it. What's more, I don't think people fully appreciate the crucial difference between plain, ordinary killing and fucking killing, either."
- "Steve is a very serious person. So serious, in fact, that a few folks in Poland threw eggs at him for being so stiff."
Gates on Apple Computer
- "What the hell is an 'iPod'? Is that something you put in your eye? Doesn't sound like a money-maker to me."
- "Of course I own a Macintosh. We write lots of software for the Mac. For a while we even had a couple of guys who wrote software for IBM PC clones, until we fired them for trying to use debuggers."
- "It's a little known fact that Steve Jobs has a pacemaker. It's even littler known fact that it runs on Windows. Boy, is he going to have a heart attack when we announce we no longer support that system. Ha! I said heart attack! He's got a pacemaker. Man I'm funny."
- "Now, young Jedi...you will die!"
- "It... it... it... it is shin-eee!"
- "I don't slap stickers of Apple's on my computers.
- "I actualy run a Mac at home. The Windows experience is for the customers."
Gates on horseback
- "This is actually quite difficult, I might get down."
- "I don't feed my horse apples! Anything but APPLES!"
- "Nice Horsey, don't eat that apple. I said DON'T EAT THAT APPLE! DON'T EAT THAT APPLE! BAD HORSE! Whoooooaaaaa, Horsey!!!!"
Gates on the US Department of Justice
- "Nyah, nyah, nyah."
- "I've got a lot of respect for people who enforce the law. So much so, in fact, I've decided to move most of our operations to Bangladesh."
- "It's perfectly obvious that web browsing should be integrated directly into the operating system. Why would anyone want to browse the web without an operating system?"
- "One false move and I'll move my whole company to Canada." (true rumor)
- "They have not yet figured out that the planes in question in the 9/11 attacks were running Windows..........."
- During anti-trust hearings "What are you talking about monopoly is a game, I'm trying to take over the world."
Gates on the Global Economy
- "Don't I own that already?"
- "Outsourcing is too risky, in my opinion. I prefer to just buy the whole country, take whatever's useful, and then turn the rest over to Steve."
- "$640,000.00 should be enough for anybody."
- "I don't see how globalization has changed anything, really. When I insisted on real Florentine marble with gold inlaid filigree for my new Rottweiler pen last month, it was still a big hassle to ship it all the way over from Italy, even with my own personal fleet of cargo planes. Man, that stuff is heavy!"
- "Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if someone had let me do that before I turned 35. Wait, did I say "35"? I meant 45."
- "Girls seem to like me more after I tell them I have tens of billions of dollars, as opposed to before I tell them. I don't see why, though - what do they think I'm going to do, leave it all on the dresser just before I walk out of the hotel room?"
- "I'm waiting until version 3.1 comes out."
- "As long as I get my half, it's okay with me if people do this sort of thing without a per-seat license."
- "Once Windows Vagina OS hits the market, geeks and nerds will never have to come out of their homes again."
- "I realized that females, unlike computers, do not accept 3.5 inch floppies."
- "Hey baby.. You turn my floppy disk into a hard drive."
- "Suddenly, Floppy has acquired a new meaning!"
- "Girls? What OS do they run? Ah, right, Windows, of course. I should write a driver for them."
- Yeah, so I had sex with a computer once: big whoop. Everyone has done it, right?
- "What's that?"
Gates on the Blue Screen of Death
- "The BSOD is the most popular part of Windows! I get thousands of calls on the help line about it, every week!"
- "Who said Microsoft never created a bug-free program? The blue screen never, ever crashes!"
- "It was going to be the black screen of death, but that isn't politically correct now is it?"
- "Those were the days... We spent so damn long trying to figure out how to make the color blue..."
- "Well, it's BLUE! If it were red we'd call it the 'RED Screen of Death!' Geez..."
Gates on Internet Explorer
- "Internet Explorer is not compatible with the Internet."
- "The next version of IE will introduce a ton of exciting new features that will make your web-browsing experience far easier for us to track and record than ever before!"
- "You mean Internet Fox?"
- " Internet Explorer... Explore... I would like to explore some women's panties with that ugh-ugh-ugh! Get it? Explore... Panties... women... sex... Funny, funn-eee. Oh, God why do I bother? I don't go out much as you think I do. Meee..."
- "Internet Explorer won't display my pr0n sites."
- "what's Internet Explorer? I use Safari."
Gates on Women
- "Women are like computers. They're made of cold steel and silicon, and they have a built-in exhaust fan to keep them from getting too hot."
- "If I were a woman, I don't think I'd ever have made Windows... I would be too busy working out which color shoes go with my jeans."
- "I wait silently for the day when Windows Vagina is released — the day when women become obsolete, and men can sleep happily, knowing they'll wake up the next morning beside a beautiful and utterly compliant cuboid processing machine. Yum!"
- "I am not familiar with that but I am sure it is not Windows compatible."
- "it is actually a matter of spelling and awful jokes. See W-O-M-E-N. Windows Orgies Men... You know... Women are like... umm... sexy... so it is orgie which is the abbreviated form of orgasmic behaviour. I... I am funny. Funn-eeeee! Not like Windows Vista- riddiculous funny but just plain funny."
- "I am very sensitive because I include a great deal of Software! Soft-ware! Soft also translates into sensitive in terms of in a feminist perspective way of assessing puns. I am funny... Funn-eee! I own Microsoft and I have money, so actually I don't have to be born with a sense of humor. I can just buy one!"
- "What's a woman?"
Gates on Uncyclopedia
- "Just sad."
- "Without the work of myself, my buddy Steve, my AI bots, and of course my dearest wifes..whops, wife, Uncyclopedia just would not exist."
- "I suggest to put a Windows logo onto the potato logo of Uncyclopedia, oh wait... Did I just say Uncyclopedia? Okay, nevermind then."
- "Did I just see an Apple logo on the right side of the Uncyclopedia logo? Alright, I'm leaving here."