Unquotable:Glenn Beck

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Beck is notorious for his usage of the blackboard.

“I am not a journalist. I am a conservative. I'm much more of a libertarian. I'm a rodeo clown who makes his living making stuff up on politicians and morons like George Soros.”

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"Dr." Glenn Edward Lee George Soros Hussein Lindsey Beck IV is a prominent journalist rodeo clown and entertainer who hosts a daily radio show. He formerly hosted Glenn Beck on CNN Headline News and then on Fox News. He claims to be a conservative libertarian, whatever in the hell that means. He has also "written" several books, including An Inconvenient Book, where he spends 1/2 of the book that was supposed to be political talking about his attempts to get laid, and Arguing with Idiots, where he argues with himself.

Beck has been accused by the American Left for spewing out wacky conspiracy theories like the fact that George Soros, Barack HUSSEIN Obama, and Bill Ayers are evil Antichrists and how Van Jones screwed everything up. He also got beef for insulting Obama's daughters and calling the President a racist and commenting on his "deep-seated hatred of white people". The lamestream media has also commented on his remarks concerning Planned Parenthood and the Tides Foundation and his conspiracy regarding the evil wackjobs who are screwing up this nation.

Beck has also been divorced due to his love of a Christian Conservative's worst enemy: alcohol. Beck said himself that he was an avid drinker of alcohol, especially whiskey like the ill-fated Jack Daniels. He also acknowledged his love of high school cheerleaders after a drink before meeting his future wife Tania, who married him in jest since he screwed his life up enough. He got a career in "news" and stuff. Fox fired him.

Beck revolutionized the political scope by eating tainted cookie dough on national television and even encouraged his gun-slinging right-wing viewers to do the same. He also introduced the blackboard as a staple of cable news for years to come, despite the use of the blackboard by Clark Howard years before. He made millions and now hosts a radio show and is fuhrer of The Blaze, UnNews's right-wing inbred cousin.

Beck is also an Elvis impersonator come night time, and enjoys reciting Elvis's 1972 rendition of The Beatles' hit "Hey Jude" and calling his daughters hound dogs for no apparent reason. He is a self-proclaimed George Washington adorer and lover and often does unspeakable things with one dollar bills. He also enjoys weeping and weeping and weeping and weeping and weeping and weeping. And more weeping.

And he says he can bowl better than Obama. Go figure.


Beck on George Soros[edit]

  • Spooky Dude!
  • He's responsible for everything including global warming, collapsing of currencies, and evil accented laughs. I hate that Spooky Dude!
  • George Soros wants your firstborn! He wants their blood! He wants to drink it all! He hates humanity!
  • Hear my plea, kill Soros! This far-left eighty year old wrinkled billionaire presents a grave danger to society!
  • George Soros is the Antichrist!

Beck on Libertarianism[edit]

  • I like libertarianism. Except for the part on free pot. And free love. And the non-socially conservative parts.
  • I'm a conservative. I'm much more of a libertarian. It sounds good to young people.
  • Why don't libertarians like war? They don't like ObamaCare. They must be wussy conservatives. Damn them all to the Mushroom Kingdom!
  • Why don't my fellow libertarians enjoy mongering? I thought we were in this together!

Beck on conspiracy theories[edit]

Glenn Beck proves it all.
  • Mao Zedong once said "Power comes largely through the barrel of a skunk". So that must mean that we're gonna get shot by Obama's brown-shirted cronies.
  • This banana is yellow. Jaundice is also yellow. So bananas must give babies jaundice. Let's remove them from baby food, Gerber! Wait, this must mean that Gerber enjoys murdering babies! Oh no!
  • Obama's half-black, half-white. So, he's half NAACP and half KKK! Oh no! We're all gonna die!
  • Blood is red. Communism is red. So, we must all be filthy commies! Eat this, Stalin!

Beck on Woodrow Wilson[edit]

  • I hate this guy!
  • I really hate this guy!
  • I really fucking hate this guy!
  • Damn this guy to fucking hell!
  • I hate Woodrow Wilson!
  • Woodrow Wilson is the True Antichrist!

Beck on Global Warming[edit]

  • The Earth isn't heating, Satan's farting on the polar bears!
  • How can the Earth be heating when it's so cold in my damn studio? Jeff, turn off that fan! NOW! And gimme some tainted cookie dough while you're at it!
  • How can ozone be deteriorating as I drive an SUV? It makes no sense. I failed science in high school.

Beck on God[edit]

  • I use His word. I eat it. The Bible, not Koran.
  • He is my reason for wanting to stone gays. Drinking is okay, though.

Beck on Liberals[edit]

  • Liberals are evil scum feeding off the labors of productive Americans. They have absolutely no brains and all deserve to go to Hell for all eternity. Tolerance is baaaaaad.
  • Progressivism is the cancer that is eating our Constitution.
  • All congressmen are liberal. They don't carry pocket constitutions or wear flagpins.
  • I hate liberals.

Beck on the Constitution[edit]

  • Progressives think this is a piece of paper. Strange, ain't it?
  • Liberals are wiping their asses with our Constitution!
  • Who let women vote? Susan B. Anthony? Don't touch my Constitution, evil feminist progressives!

Beck on Barack Obama[edit]

  • Barack Obama has a deep-seated hatred toward white people.
  • Did I just say that? It was a mistake, Fox!
  • ObamaCare is Satan's way of killing grannies. Capitalist health care doesn't do that!
  • Obama is an atheist.
  • Obama is a Muslim.
  • Obama's a radical Christian drinking the kool-aid of Reverend Wright!
  • Where's the certificate?
  • I would rather listen to Hannah Montana than this bigot!
  • Obama's the True Antichrist!

Beck on social justice[edit]

  • One had the hammer and sickle, the other a swastika. They both rung the bell of this: social justice. That's why Hitler killed Jews.
  • SOCIAL JUSTICE IS EEEEEEEEEEEVIL!

Beck on Love[edit]

  • Progressives think love and sex go hand in hand. That is not what our Founders said.
  • Admittedly, I never got a date in school. So, I'm a hatemongering conservative.

Beck on Food[edit]

  • CHEETOS!