Unquotable:Sun-Tzu

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“Know your Sun-Tzu quotes.”

~ Sun-Tzu on things you should know

“He engaged my throbbing masculinity until all of my stockpiles shot out into his mouth. He is a wonderful strategist.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Sun-Tzu

“If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that - and I think he knows a little more about fighting than you do, pal; because HE INVENTED IT!”

~ The Soldier on Sun-Tzu

“Sun Tzu does not work in Starcraft, coz he can't squint as well”

~ BIRDMAN on Sun-Tzu

"Before engaging the enemy in battle, be sure to stock up on cookies, men's briefs, scented candles, laundry detergent, and hair spray, all at low, low prices."
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"Engage the enemy's army, we must."

Among students of Chinese history, making up Sun-Tzu quotes is considered a form of homage and a sign of great respect to the legendary Chinese general, who is often credited with a variety of military innovations such as the frumple-gun, the exploding ratatouille sandwich, and the terrifying boogiesuit. In addition, his world-famous tome on military strategy, the Shih Chi (Art of War) has been badly mistranslated numerous times by users of cheaply-printed Chinese-English dictionaries, yielding such "bastardized" works as The War on Art, The Chart of Warts, and Portrait of the Artist as a Young War.

To add to the confusion, Chinese historians have recently announced the discovery and authentication of several "unfinished" chapters supposedly written by Sun-Tzu ca. 490 BCE, and possibly meant for inclusion in later editions of the Shih Chi. These new sections cover such topics as how to effectively fight with one's in-laws, how to avoid having to do repetitive household chores, how to pick up women in dry-cleaning/laundromat establishments, and how to sneak out of sushi restaurants without paying.

Sun-Tzu's Most Quotable Quotes[edit]

  • "You must listen to the words of Sun-Tzu. If you will not listen to the words of Sun-Tzu, one third of your army will die, one third of your army will desert you and one third of your army will point at you and accuse you of being obsessed with dividing everything by three."
  • "It is not a victory unless you say `Jumanji´."
  • "Asians are good at Starcraft because they're always squinting, thus they can see things sharply. Remember to always squint in war."
  • "The general who heeds the words of Sun-Tzu shall be victorious. The general who does not heed the words of Sun-Tzu shall be defeated. The general who has never even heard of Sun-Tzu and just wants to blow things up indiscriminately shall be elected President of the United States."
  • "To win, you must know yourself, know your enemy, know your weapons, and know how to blow those motherfucking bastards up."
  • "The greatest victory is when all the enemy's base belongs to you before you set up the bomb."
  • "Make war, not kool aide."


Sun-Tzu on The Pursuit of Knowledge[edit]

  • "Know your Sun-Tzu quotes. Also, know your Sun-Tzu per-seat licensing strategy, and your Sun-Tzu support and maintenance plan."
  • "Know what your enemies are afraid of. They will retreat, and you will destroy them without fighting any lawsuits."
  • "There are only five musical notes. Those who say there are actually twelve notes in an octave are simply trying to mess with your head."
  • "Know your enemy, know yourself, know your girlfriend's ex-con husband's abusive temperament, know his work schedule, and most importantly know the fastest way to get the hell out of there if he decides to come home early."
  • "What does not kill you will hurt a lot."

Sun-Tzu on The Oldest Trick in the Book[edit]

  • "When push comes to shove - just what does that mean, anyway?"
  • "Do not let your upright soldier fall into the steaming hole within view of the enemy, lest your soldier become worn down and limp, and your armies (and leggies) imprisoned."
  • "When fighting an enemy that insists on taking constant bathroom breaks, take advantage of the breaks to catch up on your favorite soap operas."
  • "Be yourself whilst fighting, unless you're a nub, in which case don't."
  • "Wise is the man that knows when to fight. Wiser is the man that knows when to just shut the fuck up."
  • "Keep your friends close, but keep your M&M's closer."

Sun-Tzu on Strategy in Warfare[edit]

  • "To subdue the enemy by sticking them with a "kick me" note is the acme of skill. Unless they pull out a yo momma insult, then cap 'em."
  • "Always remember, pikemen defeat horsemen, but archers defeat pikemen."
  • "For one to be successful in war, one must yell 'BOOM HEADSHOT' every time one kills an enemy".
  • "The key to victory lies in killing all the koreans, then all the mexicans, possibly even all of the japanese in starcraft".
  • "To win a war, you must kill all of the enemies pylons, not just his gateways and his forges, not to forget those *[email protected]#%^$ proton cannons".
  • "The key to victory is to produce and accumulate a large number of medium-sized tanks. Do not waste your resources on other technology; it is useless."
  • "The key to victory is to ignore all that I have just said, and to build as many anti-tank guns as possible. They are cheap, being only 20 metal, Powerful, having a 6/70 direct attack, and have no techs, meaning you dont have to build inordinate amounts of Labs, and can use the Points generated by your Labs to research Space vehicles and Plague Bombs".
  • "All men can see the tactics whereby I conquer, but there's no way I'm letting them see my wife naked."
  • "The high ground is easier to defend, and easier to attack from. The low ground, on the other hand, is often wet and full of mosquitoes. The underground is often too full of goth kids and shitty emo bands to be worth attacking or defending. Ground beef is good with mustard and pickles between two slices of bread. Coffee grounds should simply be thrown away, though they sometimes make good compost."
  • "There's no 'tra' in 'Strateggy'."
  • "All warfare is based on deception. Hey, what's that behind you?"
  • "Remember... Squirtle beats Charmander. No buts about it."
  • "Enemies are bad, we are good - therefore nobody will mind if we do horrible things to them."
  • "When your enemy has the high ground, it's over, so never wage war on Nepal."
  • "Choose rock every time. It is unbeatable. Except for paper."
  • "War will be far easier in the future, when lasers, spaceships and starlight scopes are invented."
  • "The first one... that was the RPG, right? I guess that was pretty good, for those days. But then the second one, the RTS that was awesome. But C&C beats it hands down, beautiful stuff. Then of course you had the third one, which was rendered realtime, but the cinematics... totally awesome. And now they have that whole MMORPG thing going, that looks pretty cool too, if you ask me." (on the Art of Warcraft and being a lifeless nerd in his parents basement)
  • "A full-house beats a flush. A sword beats a full-house."
  • "In the practical art of war, you must be prepared to fight at any time in the future. In the impractical art of war, you should have been prepared quite some time ago, and it's probably already too late. You're screwed."
  • "Most people aren't so scary once they've been poked in the eye."

Sun-Tzu on Victory and Defeat[edit]

  • "Losing a war is the surest path to defeat in war."
  • "You shall not win a war by reading The Art Of War alone. You must also assemble an army, do some fighting, kill some guys, that sort of thing."
  • "Victory cannot be achieved by swanning about and reciting bad poetry, unless you are fighting an enemy that gives up or simply dies outright upon being exposed to swanning and bad poetry."
  • "If your enemy wins the war, you did not. Or, more likely, you were probably reading a copy of my book that you didn't pay for."
  • "A victory is only made official by a celebration involving ice cream, petroleum jelly, and party hats."
  • "A victory is only official in ranked matches, bastard." (on The Art of Online War)
  • "You are weak. Do you know why you are weak? It is because you lack... Skittles."
  • "To win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the greatest skill. The greatest skill is to win one thousand victories in one thousand battles."
  • "To find a way into someone else's country without saying please, accuse them of having WMDs."
  • "You lost because your opponent used scissors and you used paper."
  • "Sun-Tzu is the awesomeist mothafucka; Suck it Clauswitz!!"
  • "It's all fun till someone till someone brings laser wielding robots into the equation."

Sun-Tzu on picking up Asian chicks[edit]

  • "What the ancients called a clever fighter is one who not only wins, but excels in picking up Asian chicks."
  • "To know your Asian girlfriend, you must become your Asian girlfriend."
  • "With the cute await the ugly, with the feminine await the transsexual, with the drunk await the sober, with the orgasmic await the painful. This is the way to train the mind."
  • "Subjugating the Asian chick's breasts without touching them is the pinnacle of excellence."
  • "Pretend inferiority and encourage her arrogance."
  • "He who knows when he can flirt and when he cannot will get laid."
  • "When dealing with Asian women, the dildo is mightier than the sword."
  • "Well, if you just want to get laid, why not try a prostitute? Or maybe a banana show?"

Sun-Tzu on your body[edit]

  • "Just kidding. Sun-Tzu is on your GIRLFRIEND'S body right now."

See Also[edit]