Urho Kekkonen

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Urho Kekkonen
Kekkonen.jpg
10th President of Finland
Term of Office: 1956-1982
Preceded: J. K. Paasikivi
Succeeded: Ahti Karjalainen (deputy)/
Mauno Kovisto
Date of Birth: 1900
Place of Birth: Huitsin Nevada
Date of Death: 1986
Place of Death: Helsinki
Party Agriculture Party

Early life[edit]

Famous Finns
Places in Finland
Kekkonen skiing at age 79, leaving twenty-somethings behind
"Urkki" wins the F1 World Championships with his distinctive Soviet-manufactured Turbo Lada

Urho "Urkki" "UKK meaning Usurping King and Kaiser" Kekkonen was born 1900. His parents were very strict with him, but Kekkonen quickly rose to dictator of the family. One day, Kekkonen was with his parents watching an election campaign. Inspired by this, Urkki sought office for the first time in 1908, just seven years old, and was elected president of his class. He made many enemies after that. They pushed him into the mud and Urho was a common target for jokes and pranks. He kept quiet about this to his parents. One day his teacher realised his plight and his bullies were executed for trumped-up charges of failing to do their homework. Kekkonen was ashamed of this, quit school and left for the world.

In the year 1915 Kekkonen got involved in sports. He attented a sports school, started drinking heavily and became a racing car driver. In 1920 Kekkonen reached the Formula 3-series, which he managed to win the next year. 1922 Kekkonen drove his first Formula 1 race in the Ferrari team. In 1924 Kekkonen won the Finnish Grand Prix for the first time and he ended the season third in the series. In 1928 Kekkonen won his only F1 championship, winning a total of four races.

In 1930 Kekkonen ended his F1 career and went into politics. He founded the Sport Finland Party, which promoted sports and heavy drinking, his two favourite pastimes. In 1932 the party ceased to exist and Kekkonen joined the Agriculture Party. He tried for a seat in Parliament soon after. In 1931 Kekkonen received a letter threatening his life. Kekkonen dismissed the letter as a prank. The next day Kekkonen, out in the streets for his daily stroll, was attacked by an assailant wielding a knife. Bleeding profusely from a neck wound, Kekkonen slumped to the ground. He woke up lying in a hospital bed, thinking he was suffering from a particularly bad hangover. The knife-wielder has caught and after a quick trial, sentenced to pelting by icy snowballs, a punishment reserved in Finland for only the most heinous crimes.

Early Political Career[edit]

Kekkonen skiing to Soviet union on his early political carreer

In 1936 Kekkonen finally got a seat in Eduskunta, the Finnish parliament. His Agriculture Party secured 33 seats, which was not enough to govern. Kekkonen quickly became the most active speaker of his party. Kekkonen instigated 33 interpellations in two years' time. When the goverment fell because of one of these interpellations, senior politicians took notice and decided to try him out. In 1939 Kekkonen was made Interior Minister during the Winter War. In 1940, Kekkonen, got drunk during a visit to the front and staggered across enemy lines, becoming a prisoner of war of the Russians.

In 1941 Kekkonen was released from prison. He returned to Finland 1944 and became Foreign Minister. Kekkonen left for the USSR in 1946 to negotiate a peace treaty with the Soviets. 1950 Kekkonen founded his first government, forming a coalition of the Agriculture Party and the Social Democratics. However, this government fell the next year. In 1955 Kekkonen had founded no less than five governments, each successive government befalling the same fate. In September that year he announced his candidacy for president, representing the Agriculture Party.

Presidential Election[edit]

Urkki's normal advertising.
Kekkonen is going to kill the King


A month after announcing his candidacy, Kekkonen started his presidential campaign. He sold T-shirts, mugs, sausages, balloons, buttons, etc. In December Kekkonen was clearly in the lead and victory was near. Kekkonen left in 1956 for Sweden, where he killed the King.

Kekkonen's campaign slogan was: "Suomi tarvitsee yksinvaltiaan. Eli valitse Kekkonen, tai sinun käy huonosti kun Ryssä hyökkää!" (Finland needs a dictator. Vote Kekkonen or bad things will happen to you when the Russians attack!). Polls showed Kekkonen had 53.2% of the votes.

Rise to President[edit]

Kekkonen skiing to the Presidents's Castle

It was February 1, 1956. Kekkonen walked to the President's Castle. Kekkonen pushed other candidates out of the way and sat down on a chair. He waited for the results. While waiting he wrote a book named Myllykirje: "Must tuli pressa!" (eng.: Mill-letter: "I became the Prez!")

  "Odotin tuolilla kärsimättömänä vaalien tuloksia. Katsoin tyhjyyteen, mutta silti kaikki tulivat    
   kysymään mielialaani. Siitä huolimatta istuin paikallani, kunnes..."
  "I waited sitting on a chair, impatient to hear the results of the election. I looked into emptiness, but nonetheless everyone
   came to ask about my mood. Nevertheless I sat on my place, until..."

As Kekkonen perspired, the scoreboard came to life. He lowered his glance to see that the counted votes added up close to 100% as almost all of the votes were in... Urho Kekkonen. Two votes more than Karl-August Fagerholm. Kekkonen rose up from his chair in jubilation. He had been elected 10th President of Finland.

Kekkonen walks to President's Castle[edit]

Kekkonen moved to the President's Castle on March 1, 1956. He liked it at once. When he first sat on the president chair, Kekkonen let out a long fart and proclaimed that enjoyed the place. He watched everything surrounding him. Finally Kekkonen rose from the chair and walked to the kitchen, where he made lunch.

First interview during President Career[edit]

Kekkonen going to an interview
Kekkonen interviewed during a visit to a factory filled with happy labourers in the workers' paradise

First time Kekkonen was target of interview next day after he move the president castle. Next interview is direct translation of it.









  * Interviewer: "How are you, when you are now President of Finland?"
  * Kekkonen: "Funny and boring. So BORING!"
  * Interviewer: "How is boring?!"
  * Kekkonen: "Must only sit in chair and put laws to abbly!"
  * Interviewer: "Its fun?"
  * Kekkonen: "No! F*ck you and go to Hell!"
  * Interviewer: "Thank you so much this interview!"
  * Kekkonen: "I said! Go to Hell, NOW!!"

"Yöpakkaset" and note crisis[edit]

1958 Communist Party of Finland win to Parliament Election. Party however pushed to cheek from government sounding don't blocking SDP and Agriculture Party. General Secretary of USSR Nikita Hrutsev however involved to ask and tell to Kekkonen so Finland was hate USSR and for it don't release Communists go to government and "yöpakkaset" was born. Kekkonen promised to Nikita, that Finland gave Communist lead next government sounding, if it get it at least nine members to Eduskunta. Nikita gave in this, but only communists of USSR. He assert communists to government or USSR attack to Finland. Kekkonen approved this and put communists place of TPSL.

Second problem was note crisis. In it USSR tell to Finland, that Western-Germany is attacked to their land and want that Finland is sended army to W-Germany. Kekkonen say that is not agree and USSR menaced attack Western-Germany as well as to Finland. Kekkonen agree untill and sended 2000 soldiers to Western-Germany and all they die. Now note crisis is end, but distances of Finalnd and USSR is strained.

Second Choice[edit]

In next President Election Kekkonen was Presidential Candidate Agriculture Party. Kekkonen was far lead before election. Kekkonen win election been far and for it he sing:

"Voi luoja! Olen voittaja! Se on hauskaa!
Tämä on oikea ilon tuoja! Kun vain tää murtaa,
sydämen mun, nyt eikä kun!
En voi enempää vaatia, enkä vaalituloksia voi mä laatia!
Mutta ihan sama, olenhan voittaja!"
"Oh my God! I'am winner! It is so funny!
This is really bringer of happy! When only this break,
my heary, no not when!
I can't more request, and results of elections can't I draw up!
But whatever, I'am winner!"
Kekkonen was so happy about the victory so he managed to go sking

this is bullshit

Tenseness tighten[edit]

After second choice tenseness tighten of Finland between USSR. Kekkonen was closed in so hard problem. He must join to Orient, where Finland is so free land. United Federation say to Kekkonen, that it can stay USSR, if Finland give it Åland. Kekkonen don't want waive Åöand, but he approwed it untill. UF succeded because USSR get to Hell from ass and was angry to UF. Kekkonen know, that finland is not safe.

70s[edit]

Urkki is went for a jog.

'70s was hard season. Kekkonen's wife die, USSR attacks to Lappland, Reiska try rebellion in Oulu and Väinö Tanner bully Kekkonen that this was dead. 1975 Kekkonen and Soviet Premer Anatoly Karpov made contract, where Europe was divided two states. Finland have Western-Europe (Portugal, Spain, France, Italy, England, Austria, Switzerland, Sweden, Iceland, Denmark and Norway) and USSR East-Europe (Germany, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Canada, Ukraine, Poland, Greece, Turkey, Yugoslavia and Benelux). This was named Kekkonen-Karpov contract, but it never was suuccesful.

At year 1975 Kekkonen get sick for Influenza A and talking of Kekkonen's successor was hot. Kekkonen said that he can't gave up from power now, because lines to USSR was cold and security of Finland menaced. Ahti Karjalainen told that he was succeeded Kekkonen. Kekkonen suspected Karjalainen and he cast latter to prison. Kekkonen's dictatorship was in top.

Last years at president[edit]

At the 80s Kekkonen's power was down as every. He was so sick and can't thinking, farting etc. 1981 Kekkonen get heart attack and his heart fly out from his chest. Kekkonen must go to hospital where he have so big broblem, door was locked. Kekkonen want go in. Untill doctors broke door and get secretest depaartment of the World. There was clone aliens and zombies. Kekkonen must live in hospital untill year is end. Kekkonen's term get was free from prison, Ahti Karjalainen. December 24 Kekkonen told that he can't continue president's jub and all mission moved to Karjalainen untill election. Kekkonen can live in president's home by dead.

Last years[edit]

Kekkonen lived his last years in Helsinki before returning to Moon with Elvis.

Kekkonen manages to do his last sking trip

Death[edit]

This is Kekkonen's grave. You are advised to mourn.

Kekkonen was sat on rocking chair at dark night October 13 1986. He was only human at house. Suddenly door of houe started "rustle" and it open so slowly but surely. Kekkonen get cloister in behind chair. He see in front of he little a giant man. The man walk to Kekkonen and Urho was scared more as before his life. After happen scream. The Man with Kekkonen was death.

Kekkonen's inheritance[edit]

Kekkonen's face in papermoney.

Kekkonen left after he Finland, where everything don't want live. Kekkonen dominated Finland same style as Julius Caesar for Holy Roman Empire. Kekkonen between Hitler is not split; each was dictators at the their time. When Kekkonen die 1986, each Finn scared USSR, until it fell 1991. Kekkonen however back to on the World, but at Ghost.

Kekkoslovakia[edit]

Main Artcle: Kekkoslovakia

Kekkoslovakia's flag 1956-1981.

When Kekkonen rise to President, he change name of Finland to Kekkoslovakia. Kekkonen told to People of Finland, that he is its dictator by dead, but elections get arranged, but they was useless. Kekkoslovakia destroyed definitively when Mauno Koivisto spoke namechange. Kekkoslovakia was "puppetcountry", or what is real country, but none the less; country. Kekkoslovakia was People's Republi

What sort of Kekkonen for World[edit]

World think that Kekkonen was anarchist dictator as Hitler and Stalin, but true is different. Kekkonen was loverly dictator in Finland, because 96 % in Finland supported he. Kekkonen visit in abroad 75 times. Kekkonen herself say thast Finland was Kekkoslovakia, when Kekkonen was its greatest dictator and man.

List Countries Visited by Kekkonen[edit]

  1. Sweden (March 3 1956)
  2. Norway (July 34 1956)
  3. USSR (September 22 1956)
  4. USSR (December 27 1956)
  5. USSR (January 11 1957)
  6. USSR (March 1 1957)
  7. USSR (March 2 1957)
  8. USSR (May 28 1957)
  9. United States of America (October 7 1957)
  10. USSR
  11. USSR
  12. USSR
  13. United Federation (December 27 1957)
  14. USSR
  15. USSR
  16. United Kingdom (Feptember 13 1958)
  17. France (May 28 1958)
  18. USSR
  19. Italy (Juny 3 1958)
  20. USSR (September 5 1958)
  21. Spain (October 31 1958)
  22. Portugal (December 4 1958)
  23. Canada (February 1 1959)
  24. Mexico (March 31 1959)
  25. Brazil (April 31 1959)
  26. Iraq (July 44 1959)
  27. Egypt (October 55 1959)
  28. USSR (October 72 1959)
  29. USSR (November 2 1959)
  30. USSR (December 14 1959)
  31. USSR (January 2 1960)
  32. USSR (February 26 1960)
  33. USSR (March 12 1960)
  34. Sweden (June 1960)
  35. USSR (September 1960-December 1960)
  36. USSR (January 20 1961)
  37. USSR (March 1 1961)
  38. USSR (March 15 1961)
  39. USSR (May 17 1961)
  40. USSR (July 6 1961)
  41. Denmark (August 18 1961)
  42. USSR (October 3 1961)
  43. USSR (November 21 1961)
  44. USSR (Spent entire year 1962 in the USSR)
  45. USSR (March 15 1963)
  46. USSR (June 2 1963)
  47. USSR (January 17 1964)
  48. Tunisia (May 30 1964)
  49. USSR (about 700 times after this)

Kekkonen's elections and results[edit]

 1956:
                        Electorals:       People:
 UKK                      151             53,2 %
 Karl-August Fagerholm    149             46,8 %
 1962:
               Electorals:       People:
 UKK             260             52,0 %       
 Olavi Honka      20             24,4 %
 Mauno Koivisto   12             24,0 %
 Matti Nykänen     8             23,6 %
 1968:
               Electorals:       People:
 UKK             296             96,4 %
 Matti Nykänen     2              1,6 %
 Paavo Lipponen    1              1,0 %
 Conan O'Brien     1              1,0 %
 1974:
               Electorals:        People:
 UKK             300             100,0 %
 Matti Nykänen     0               0,0 % 
 Veikko Vennamo    0               0,0 %
 1978:
              Electorals:        People:
 UKK            200             50,9 %
 Mauno Koivisto  56             26,7 %
 Matti Nykänen   44             22,4 %

Donald Duck's votes are not included in the totals, although they comprise at least 110% of each.

Fun Facts on Kekkonen[edit]

  • Urkki farting every four second.
  • Urkki's followers was "perässähiihtäjiä" (behindskiers).
  • Urkki be exposed minion of Satan 1988. There he is dead and his soul live in Hell.
  • Urkki's wife was Oprah.
  • Urkki attacks to Iraq 1977, because Iraqians don't want back his underpants.
  • Urkki is inventor of beer. He loved it during life.
  • Urkki is killed equally more people as he has testicles.
  • Urkki was climbed to on penis resembling palm.
  • Urkki has camera, which can only portray pornpictures.
  • Urkki was God!
  • Urkki opened the gates to hell

Ghost Age[edit]

Kekkonen skiing from beyond the grave

Kekkonen's ghost came to World 1987. Sometimes it killed for scaring more people. Ghost of Kekkonen got to Eduskunta 1995 and attain at once to Inventor Ministery. He was Vice Inventor Minister since 1997 to 1999. After it came Vice Prime Minister (Prime Minister was Paavo Lipponen) and change dictator of government. Government however deposed Ghost of Kekkonen and he don't has work. 2012 he try to President of Finland candidate of his founded Ghostparty of Finland. Kekkonen however get only one point four per cents at votes. After election Ghost of Kekkonen don't saw ever.

Family of Kekkonen[edit]

  • Pertti Kekkonen (Urho's father)
  • Essi Kekkonen (Urho's mom)
  • Urho Kekkonen
  • Antero Kekkonen (Urho's brother)
  • Lilli Kekkonen (Urho's sister)
  • Oprah Winfrey (Urho's wife)
  • Essi Kekkonen (not same as Urho's mom!) (Urho's donner)
  • Pertti "Perkele" Kekkonen (Urho's son)
  • Urpo Kökkönen (Urho's genetically engineered twin brother)

Formula One Career[edit]

  • Formula One Series at years 1922-30
  • 43 Grand Prixes
  • 14 wins
  • 12 pole positions
  • 10 fastest laps
  • 11 interruptions
  • 162 points
  • World Champion 1928

Kekkonen in politics: a review (1-10)[edit]

  • Dictatorship: 10+
  • Democratic: 5-
  • Imperious: 10+
  • Sense in Foreign Politics: 10++++++++
  • Recovery Standard of living of Finland's people: 10+++++
  • Boom of population: 10+++
  • Equality and gender issues: 1+
  • Lust for changing the constitution: 10+
  • Emergency laws: +10
  • People's satisfaction: 10++++++++
  • Overall greatness: 10++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Average: 9+++

Achievents[edit]

  • 1900 - UKK born.
  • 1907 - UKK came to school.
  • 1908 - UKK rise to President of his grade.
  • 1910 - UKK get out from school.
  • 1912 - UKK get his first money.
  • 1915 - UKK want undertooke to athelitic.
  • 1920 - UKK drove first time at F3-car.
  • 1922 - UKK drove first time at F1-car.
  • 1923 - UKK get his first fastest lap and pole position at F1.
  • 1924 - UKK won his first F1-race.
  • 1925 - UKK was second in F1-series.
  • 1926 - UKK was third in F1-series
  • 1928 - UKK won his first and only F1-champion.
  • 1930 - UKK's career at F1-series is over.
  • 1931 - UKK founded Sport-Finland party.
  • 1932 - UKK join to AGricultureparty.
  • 1936 - UKK rise at Eduskunta.
  • 1939 - UKK rise to Interior Minister.
  • 1944 - UKK fell into USSR prisoner
  • 1945 - UKK is free.
  • 1948 - UKK rise to Foreign Minister
  • 1950 - UKK rise to Prime Minister
  • 1955 - UKK appointed to Presidential candidate of Agriculture Party.
  • 1956 - UKK rise to President of Finland.
  • 1958 - note crisis
  • 1961 - "yöpakkaset"
  • 1962 - UKK's second choice.
  • 1968 - UKK's third choice.
  • 1972 - Secret Kekkonen-Karpov Contract born.
  • 1974 - UKK's fourth choice and emergency law.
  • 1978 - UKK's fifth choice.
  • 1981 - UKK divorced from jub of President.
  • 1986 - UKK die.
  • 2006 - UKK reborn!
  • 2007 - UKK overlord of the world!

Invenst of Urho Kekkonen[edit]

  • Beer
  • Plug of interbomb
  • Normal car
  • Normal mobile
  • Stupid internet
  • Brains for politicians
  • World War II
  • Kekkonen's Headwax (tm) (Make your head shine like a star)

Political Career[edit]

  • Justice Minister 1936-1937
  • Interior Minister 1939-1941
  • Finance Minister 1941-1944
  • Foreign Minister 1948-1950
  • Prime Minister 1950-1951, 1952, 1953-1954, 1954-1955, 1955-1956
  • President of Finland 1956-1982
  • Mayor of Pensioners-association 1982-1986

Literature[edit]

  • Pyllykirje - Minusta tuli presidentti (1956) (Mill-letter - I rise to President)
  • Pyllykirje - Pressan duuni (1957) (Pudletter - Jub of President)
  • Sieg Heil, Kekkonen (1958) (Sieg Heil, Kekkonen)
  • Diktaattoripörssi (1959) (Dictatorexchange)
  • Suomenlaman historia (1960) (History of Recession of Finland)
  • Kohti uusia vaaleja (1961) (Towards new elections)
  • Pyllykirje - Paluu (1962) (Mill-letter - Return)
  • Mikä on noottikriisi? (1963) (What is note crisis?)
  • Pyllykirje - Kansalainen (1964) (Mill-letter - Citizen)
  • Elämäni ratin takana (1965) (My life behind hopper)
  • Voi saatana! (1966) (God damned!)
  • Perkeleesti pressaks (1967) (a more into president)
  • Pyllykirje - Toinen paluu (1968) (Mill-letter - Second return)
  • Ja Paskat! (1969) (And shit!)
  • Kekkoslovakia (1970) (Kekkoslovakia)
  • Neuvostoliitto vs. Suomi (1971) (USSR against Finland)
  • Perässähiihtäjä (1972) (Behindskier)
  • Euroopan jako (1973) (Division of Europe)
  • Pyllykirje - Poikkeuslaki (1974) (Mill-letter - Emergency law)
  • Kylmä vai kuuma sota (1975) (Cold or hot war)
  • Pyllykirje - Voitto!(1976) (Pudletter - a win)
  • EEC-suojalait (1977) (EEC-safetylaws)
  • Propaganda ja politiikka yhtäaikaa (1978) (Propaganda with politics)
  • Voima hiipuu (1979) (Power withered)
  • Länsi vai Itä (1980) (West or East)
  • Onnittelutoivotus (1981) (Congurlations)
  • Muistelmat osa I (1984) (Memoirs Part I)
  • Muistelmat osa II (1985) (Memoirs Part II)
  • Muistelmat osa III (1986) (Memoirs Part III)

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]

Kekkonen skiing
Preceded by:
Juho Kusti Paasikivi
President of Finland
1956-1981
Succeeded by:
Ahti Karjalainen


Preceded by:
Karl-August Fagerholm
Prime Minister of Finland
1950-1956
Succeeded by:
Karl-August Fagerholm


Preceded by:
Risto Ryti
General Manager of Bank of Finland
1940-1956
Succeeded by:
Karl-August Fagerholm
 
Presidents of Finland
1. K. J. Ståhlberg 2. L. K. Relander 3. P. E. Svinhufvud 4. Kyösti Kallio 5. Risto Ryti 6. C. G. E. Mannerheim 7. J. K. Paasikivi 8. Urho Kekkonen 9. Mauno Koivisto 10. Martti Ahtisaari 11. Tarja Halonen 12. Conan O'Brien