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"It's life, Jim, but not as we know it!"

Usenet is full of love (this must be confused with AOL).

Usenet is a forum of communication that was started on the Internet in 1865. It was developed by the Bavarian government with a grant from the Illuminati, the Evil Atheist Conspiracy, and the Boy Scouts of America.

Also, if you haven't noticed, one of the unwritten rules of the usenet is at least once a week, someone MUST post Equilibrium and Cube.


The usenet collapses if this does not occur.


A diagram of the Usenet system
Your typical Usenet poster

Usenet was originally developed to solve the problem of overcrowding within the world's mental institutions. It was discovered that, rather than putting an insane person in an asylum, it was much easier (not to mention cheaper) to keep them locked in their own house with a computer and modem instead. Thus, Usenet was born, as once scientists discovered this new method of containment for the criminally insane, they realised that they would have to develop a virtual environment to replace the physical one that the insane had been removed from. Many of these people can still be observed today, living happily in their now-natural virtual habitat.


The term usenet stems from the two words use (English, to use and net (German, "no" or "nay" as in "das geht net") meaning that the usenet is of no use or can't be used for anything. This is primarily attributed to the fact that whenever somebody asks a question via usenet he will either get a wrong answer or get flamed. Or both. Probably lots of. However, this does not concern the abovementioned criminal insanes as they would not think of asking before shooting anyway.

The Backbone Cabal (There was no Backbone Cabal)[edit]

In the early days of the network, messages were propagated from machine to machine by way of carrier pigeon. Thus, whoever controlled the pigeon breeding facilities also controlled Usenet. The pigeon breeders had final say in all newsgroup creation. The original newsgroup hierarchies were as follows:

It would be several years before the pigeon breeder cabal (there was no pigeon breeder cabal) could be overturned.

The Great Renaming[edit]

Just to shake things up, the Usenet powers that be (there were no Usenet powers that be) decided to chuck the old newsgroup hierarchies and start fresh. They came up with the Big Eight:

The Big Eight became the Big Twelve with the addition of Texas, Texas A&M, Baylor, and humanities.*, but Texas Christian was pissed off at being left out.

Creation of alt.*[edit]

Texas Christian, wanting a more godly alternative for Usenet newsgroups, created the alt.* hierarchy, where anyone with a pulse and a modem could create a newsgroup. alt.* was indeed a godly place, with such gems as


...and so forth. With alt.*, a new, more alternative era would dawn for Usenet. Not long after, Nirvana would release their hit single, Smells like Ban Roll-on For Young Active Women. This was not a coincidence.

The creation of alt.* marked the cultural high-watermark for Usenet.


Usenet has been embraced by the Church of Scientology, a benevolent religious organization that prizes freedom of speech and encourages in-depth understanding of its teachings and wisdom. The popular Usenet forum alt.scientology is regularly filled with loving posts like this:

 d]C5'j39agnvd\UkeE`"B6Oo&c']G.SKhu0y_TMWd5k5*R=Q]c $H%@IOW

A clear message of love and understanding from the beloved Scientologists.


Unlike other areas of the Internet, Usenet is primarily a text medium. This aspect of Usenet has largely infuriated the multimedia-starved masses, who clamour for pictures of naked women with large boobs. Thanks to the immense ingenuity of sex-starved 14-year-olds, methods of turning images and video into text for transmission via a text-based medium were developed, thus allowing important sociological documentaries like the Paris Hilton sex tape to be distributed over Usenet.

The development of audio/video distribution through Usenet has greatly infuriated the pornography industry, as most items posted to Usenet groups are provided free of charge. Porn magnates have responded by posting naked photos of Bea Arthur and Imelda Marcos with titles like Amateurs with big b00bs!!!, thus decreasing the signal-to-noise ratio and making the task of finding quality pornography online ever more difficult.

Decline and Fall[edit]

Like the Roman Empire before it, Usenet has suffered from the predations of the barbarian hordes and is now commonly considered to be in terminal decline. Chief among the invaders is Google Groups, with their motto We don't give a toss about the evil, who were single-handedly responsible for over 34,565 dead Usenet groups in 2005 alone.

See also[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Usenet.
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