User:☯/How To:Fake Your Death On The Internet

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All right, let's face the facts: your life sucks. Every day you feel like someone's shitting on you. When you wake up you feel a fleeting moment of joy and eagerness. But all too quickly you remember the sad details of your life and instantly your head explodes in a painful headachey protest. You have no friends. So who do you turn to? Well, of course, you turn to something you can rely on: the internet. For years the internet has provided you with laughter, videos, games, fun, hassle-free shopping, super fun and money. So why can't it provide you with a life and with friends? It can be the brother, mother, father and sister you never had. But that's the thing: even on the internet, your existence is futile. They ignore you.

Fortunately for you and your loved ones, your constant state of loneliness and self-hate hasn't forced you to drastic measures, yet. However, like lonely off-shore rocks eroded by the constant pulsing of the waves of apathy, you have been worn down over the years. As time has passed, you've begun to become a psychopath - the sort of psychopath who craves attention beyond all other mortal joys. If you don't have attention, you'll wilt.

So what do you do? It's obvious that reality has all but crushed you, and do you really want to potter around as a mediocre member of this forum and an average user of that site? The sort of user who is routinely ignored. Well, do you?

There's one thing that's been scientifically tested. It's 100% effective and safe to use! You'll see the effects in days! But what is it, you cry?

It's faking your own death on the internet, of course!

No, don't act disgusted, you know you've always wanted to do it. It's been wandering around in the back of your mind, for quite some time. Your subconscious has always nagged away at you. Now, in clear steps, we're going to lay out the chance of a lifetime. It'll all be as clear as a giraffe juggling pears on a sunny Sunday afternoon. All you have to do is reach out with your bony fingers and grasp at it. Go on, grasp! GRASP, I tell you! GRASP AT IT! That's a pathetic effort, I see grasping is not your thing. Ah well. Hopefully, dieing, will be. Let's hope you're good at something, eh?

Reasons To Fake Your Own Death[edit]

Putting aside the fact that real Life has proven to be very difficult to gain attention in, consider these points:

  1. There are a lot of facts to face, and here's another one: nothing you ever do is going to get you anywhere near as much attention as cyber-suicide is guaranteed to get you. You could go to the moon and back and you still wouldn't get any attention. You could be ripped to pieces by a pack of rabbid dogs, and you'd struggle even to incite "meh"s. Even if all the comments you get are "thank god he's gone", you'll still be in the limelight.
  2. Once you've faked your own death you could spend a little more time with your family. That'd be nice, wouldn't it? Just you and your family and a little bit of fun. Heh, what do you think? If you don't have a family, or if your family doesn't want to go anywhere near you, then you can amuse yourself at home with your dolls.

Method[edit]

So you've decided to take the rocky, but ever so rewarding, path to internet suicide? Well, fist thing's first. You have to decide what method you're going to e-kill yourself. There's lots to pick from, so roll up your sleeves, wank and prepare to make a decision. It's important that you pick the right death for you. If you come across as a shy user on your chosen site, then picking the "death by suicide bombing - great fireballs of doom and pain and death shall rain down on the infidels" option, is probably not the cleverest idea.

So here's a fairly definitive list of every method you could choose.

Sickness[edit]

Sickness is a well rounded, but fairly plain choice. So let's have a a detailed look at what's so good and what's not so good about this option.

One of the best thing about sickness and diseases is that you can steadily build up the situation. It doesn't have to be a dramatic ending. You have the chance to be alive, while receiving sympathy. If you play your cards well, you'll quickly being hearing your username suffixed with "is such a strong person". Other members of the site will begin to fall over themselves to help you. People will leave you reassuring messages that will include lines such as "anything I can do", "you're coping brilliantly", "you've always been my favourite dieing user on this site" and/or "you'll look sexy in this skirt". And if people start to become bored with your predicament you can easily set the fires of interest going again, by relating near death experiences.

There are, of course, some major down sides to sickness. It does take a fair bit of research, and since we know that you are not good at many things, it's highly likely that you do not exactly triumph in this area, either. Research can be boring and time consuming. And when you have such a busy life, like yours, you can't afford to waste time. However, this research can really be worth it.

It's critical that you stage the progression of your chosen disease carefully and with consideration for detail. Be mindful of using this method on medical websites, as medical websites are likely to have medical people on them who may have a certain expertise in the medical area. You want to avoid being caught faking a disease, at all costs.

Suicide[edit]

Suicide is another fairly straightforward way to kill you e-self off. However, it can mark you down as an emo or another undesirable stereotype. Sympathy in some cases may also be limited, but despite this, suicide has a lot of upsides.

While the emo/goth stereotype may not suit your tastes, it does guarantee that you get other emos or goths supporting you (because it is a well known fact that emos and goths are always looking for a suicide to cry over). And you know, there's a whole fuckload of emos and goths on the internet. This emo/goth support will also, no doubt, generate lots of poems for you to laugh over.

The pre-amble to suicide is depression and this should be fairly easy to fake. Especially for a loser like you. If you build this depression stage up, a fair bit, then you could experience some of the benefits of sickness. You could receive encouraging messages and could be technically alive to receive your sympathy and fame. A useful tip you should remember is giving a reason for your depression, which is likely to cause even more sympathy (such as "both my parents died fighting conformists in 'Nam"). Everyone likes a depressed person. Either to cry over, sympathise with or laugh at.

Although you must be careful because you may start to receive hate from those people (it's common knowledge that these people are all over the internet, because they love its power for freedom of speech, so much). However, a good dose of conservative hate can be good for the soul.

Accident[edit]

If you feel that a long build up is slightly too advanced for you and you just want to do the thing quickly and believably without too much hardwork then this is the perfect choice. An accident is an easy way to kill yourself off in one simple step and is fairly believable. It's a simple one time execution (pun pending). You could choose any accident that catches your imagination, from a car crash to falling over during sex. Choosing an accident will also give you instant results. If it's going to work, it'll work straight away, there's no worrying whether you build up is believable or build upy enough.

The main problem with choosing an accident lays in the pros. There's no build up to this little beautiful nutshell of a choice, which however means you get no prior sympathy. You're on your own until you're dead. There's no e-tears or bad poems with this one. It's band-dead-sympathy-end. There's also a risk of it all going past in a flash and no one actually giving a shit. Sorry.

Murder[edit]

Location, Location, Location[edit]

The forum, wiki or social shitworking site in which you choose to execute your e-personality is crucial to the process. For example, if the place you choose is very obscure or a place where nobody would give a damn about your tragic ending, obtaining internet stardom may prove impossible. So give this a little bit of thought. Does the site have:

  1. Users that care?
  2. A sizeable e-population?

And, remember. Whatever you do, don't pick a porn site. Let me repeat that. DON'T PICK A PORN SITE. Even if the porn site meets the above criteria, members may find it hard to believe that a friend of yours or a family member would take time logging onto a porn site to announce that you died. Think these things through, next time, okay?

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