From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Adam just being Adam

Adam (born October 31, 1991) is an American teenager, MySpace entity, and universal being who is capable of adapting to any situation. He wears an ever-present smile on his face, always baring his teeth and gums.

The eyes are hidden under the hair!


Early Life[edit]

Adam was born in Rome, Italy, the son of Lilly Carson, an English archaeologist, and a nameless John Doe. Adam’s birth was a complete surprise to his parents. He was born October 31, 1991 (North American EST), 8 days before his due date of November, 8th.

His parents were attending a Halloween party thrown by an American friend when Lilly started going into labor. At the time, everyone was too intoxicated to drive Lilly to the hospital, so she had to give birth to Adam on the spot. Born with a full set of teeth, Adam was the saving grace of the Halloween party as he was dubbed “the most horrifyingly ghoulish baby ever born.” After the birth, Adam’s father moved the family to Charlotte, North Carolina, where Adam currently resides.

As Adam grew older, he was usually shunned by the other kids. He always played by himself, preferring his own company over the company of other kids, who he labeled as ‘assholes’. His one true friend during childhood was a Mr. Potato Head.

Teenage Years[edit]

Adam began to branch out in his teen years and gained many friends. Once he started going through puberty, his disposition started to change. He went from somewhat introverted to outgoing and opinionated. He also started to adopt a devil-may-care attitude towards life. This attitude gets him into various sticky situations such as fights at school, various petty crime, and other numerous adventures.

Adam is a'packin!

He opted to move away from his parents, building a house for himself and hunting for his own food. Ultimately, his questionable antics led to his first death. One day while standing around with his friends at a bus stop, Adam was dared to jump into path of the oncoming bus. Adam claimed that to perform such an act would be "stupid guys". However, he dove out in front of the bus and was killed instantly.


After dying for the first time, Adam spent a short period of time in purgatory. While there, he mingled with and ended up disturbing many souls in the process of being purified for Heaven. Some souls became so annoyed that they engaged in violent acts against him. Their violent behavior caused their almost purified souls to become tainted, causing them to be sent to Hell. Adam, who never engaged in any violent acts towards them, was allowed to enter Heaven.


While in Heaven, Adam waits at the gates for St. Peter to arrive. When Peter finally arrives at the gates, he finds that the clouds surrounding the Heavenly gates have turned yellow. Adam admits that he urinated on them, but is let into Heaven anyway for his honesty. After crossing Heaven’s threshold, Adam is left in a heavenly waiting-room while an attending angel goes to fetch God. While alone, Adam gets the urge to urinate again, and he does. He takes the urine soaked cloud and constructs a snow cone out of it. The cloud snow cone glows a radiant yellow. God enters the room and Adam offers him the snow cone. God accepts the offer, but Adam eats the snow cone himself. The heavenly cloud that he ingested was chocked full of Divine Mist, which gives all inhabitants of Heaven immortality. God offers Adam the chance to live in everlasting happiness with him in his palace, to which Adam responds, “You can’t tell me what to do! Who do you think you are? God or somethin’?” God takes offence to Adam’s brash response and casts him down to Hell.


In Hell, Adam is brought face to face with Satan. Hearing of Adam’s ‘rebellion’ in Heaven, Satan tries to persuade Adam to join his army of demons. Adam refuses, much to Satan’s disappointment. He then proceeds to insult Hell by saying it‘s too cold and that he‘d rather be sent to the Ninth Circle, which he refers to as “nice and toasty”. Satan assumes that Adam believes rebellion in Hell will get him sent back to purgatory, but he warns Adam that he will never be allowed to leave Hell and will be tortured eternally for his insolence. All five of Adam’s senses are tortured with some of the worst Hell has to offer.

-First, he is forced to smell and consume a stew composed of feces and rancid corpse meat. Adam turns out to enjoy the meal with his only complaint being that the meat is a little gamey.

-Next, he is forced to watch Mannequin: On the Move, which turns out to be Adam’s favorite movie.

-He is forced to endure the sonic screams of the loudest demons in Hell. Eventually his ears begin to bleed, but he just wipes the blood off on Satan's glorious satan-satin cape.

-Lastly, he is sexually assaulted by a group of lustful rapists and murderers. The ordeal doesn’t phase Adam, who is just happy to no longer be a virgin.

His stubborn and confusing nature combined with the Divine Mist infusion allowed Adam to withstand everything thrown at him. Satan grows frustrated to point where he instructs Adam to leave Hell immediately, but Adam retorts with, “what are you gonna do,send me to Detroit?” His defiance causes Satan to go temporarily insane. He begs for Adam to show some form of fear or pain, but Adam just smiles as Satan weeps at his feet. Adam tells Satan that if he gives him a potato and a set of adamantium teeth to eat it with, he will leave. Satan, obliged and relieved, fulfills Adam’s request immediately. A weakened and distraught shell of his former self, Satan opens the gates of Hell, allowing Adam to live on Earth once again.

Powers and Abilities[edit]

Aside from an above average level of reactive adaptation, Adam possesses a set of pure adamantium teeth given to him by Satan as a bribe to leave Hell. These teeth allow Adam to bite through virtually any material on Earth and are unbreakable. Since his new teeth were created in Hell, they are infused with Hellfire, which allows them to bring about supernatural or evil events under certain conditions. These conditions are unknown. Adam is also infused with Divine Mist, which grants him immortality. This unique combination of Divine Mist and Hellfire endows Adam with an number of abilities including, but not limited to: self-detonation, interdimensional travel, and telekinesis. These abilities present themselves randomly, coming about only under certain unknown conditions.

Interesting Facts[edit]

  • Adam is quite fond of potatoes. He cooks them, idolizes them, and pretty much eats them in any form. Surprisingly he is not a fan of the Weird Al song Addicted to Spuds as he believes it makes fun of the root vegetable.
  • Being an avid hunter, Adam is well versed in many weapons including rifles, crossbows, rocks, and the Tomahawk.
  • He is MySpace friends with many celebrities, including, Zach Braff, Gina Gershon, Alex Vincent, Selena Gomez, and Jeffree Star.
  • Adam’s number is 888. He was born 8 days before his due date of November 8th, and it took him 8 shots to take down his first bear.
  • He is a fan of the band Slipknot, and is a self proclaimed maggot.
  • Usually refers to food as "pickins".
  • Has a vast collection of weapons that includes nunchucks, bb guns, swords, swordphasers, phasers, armor-piercing lazers, knives, and rocks.
  • Hates whiny wikipedia users that can't tell the difference between fictional characters and real people.
  • Lives on the Corner of Taterway and Brine.