User:Aleister in Chains/Steve Jobs

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“An Apple a day keeps Microsoft away.”

~ Steve Jobs on Microsoft

“640 Apple products ought to be enough for everybody. You do not need to have more. ”

~ Steve Jobs on aficionados

“Steve Jobs owns a PC.”

~ Internet Bridge Troll on Steve Jobs

Steve "Blow" Jobs, also known as iSatan, Born 12 March 1344, is der iFührer of the dastardly corporate empire he calls Apple (which is an ironic name because the company's technology is filled with worms.). Currently, he is an iCEO.

It is widely known that when Steve Jobs was born, he was already wearing his default black iTurtleneck, blue iJeans, dark-rimmed glasses and peppered hair. The doctors immediately knew he was destined for a life of fame and Rulershipism. At birth, his parents decided to cut off his iPenis because "the thing was just too damn short". While other children in elementary school were drinking juice boxes, Jobs was already drinking triplemochadecafexpresso, a.k.a. iLatte, which made him just a bit above the juice box conformists. Jobs first started making computers in 1976, to raise money for his iCult, but in 1984 he started using them as propaganda to make college students join the iLemmings.

In the beginning, the computers, called iCrackintoshes, were a success. Thousands of liberal college kids bought their shiny new Wacs. Encouraged to “think different”, the people started to display the symptoms of an iLemming. These include:

  • Excessive smugnessss
  • Hatred of Alan Sugar
  • Hatred of corporate empires
  • Ownership of corporate empires
  • God-like abilities
  • Spending money on iWankintosh accessories, further funding the iLemmings, in order to iWank.
  • Alienation from 95% of their friends, considering them inferior to them
  • Fanboyism against all others opposed to the new iCrap and iLemmings
  • Stealing kid's livers and viriginity

This success continued until the '90s, when the mystical Grunge powers of Kurt Cobain caused the iLemmings to migrate towards a rival cult, the Microsofties. After a while, 95% of Americans were Microsofties, compared to 2% iLemmings. The Microsofties were like the iLemmings, but preferred conformity, unlike the iLemmings. The rest formed a resistance, called the Tuxes, but the Tuxes splintered into 1,000,000 groups and disappeared into obscurity.

Things turned around for the iLemmings in 2001, when the iLemmings created a new product called the iBrainWash. Soon, 100% of hipsters, 100% of Livejournal users, and 66.6% of nuns were being brainwashed to join the iLemmings. The President of the U.S. was replaced with a Steve Jobs clone, called the iClone. The iLemmings have taken over all of America with hip (yet useless) products, with the exception of a few Microsofties and Tuxes hiding in large office buildings and damp cellars, respectively.

Steve Jobs at work

Origins and current occupation[edit]

Steve Jobs, is an amazing person. Rahul's biggest dream is own a company like Steve Jobs' Apple company, widely known around the world for products such as the iMac, iPod, iPhone and many, many more. He is Rahul's role model. However, according to rahul, i doesn't matter anymore 'cause i just bit his hand. :D woops, my bad! enjoooyy

BUT HE IS A MEANIE FOR MAKING IPOD TOUCH 2G's OBSOLETE!!!

Ancestry[edit]

Steve Jobs descended from a long line of crazed warriors who have just recently been filmed in their natural habitat (see 300). Stevus Jobus, the Job's Spartan ancestor led these people. His sales approach was considered very controversial throughout history, as he killed as many people in your family in his battle for dominance over the world market.

The Stevus Jobus approach to sales.

Off To Jail[edit]

In July, 2006, Steve Jobs was arrested and sent to jail for illegally backdating stock options. During the trial he stamped and screamed and said "But Microsoft's a Monopoly," but that only seemed to make the judge angrier.

On another legal note, Steve Jobs was friends with The Beatles, and smoked weed with them back in the day, which is where the conflict between Apple and The Beatles originated from. After taking a hit off a bad joint, John Lennon came up with the idea for the Apple computer. It was alleged that Steve Jobs, wanting to take credit for the idea himself, had Lennon killed so he could not be sued later for stealing the idea. However, everyone involved was so stoned at the time of the alleged incidents, that no one was able to give a coherent account of what actually happened, so the case was never brought to trial.

Steve Jobs remodeling Apple Inc.

After Jail[edit]

Steve Jobs was enjoying his time in jail, and the company of his masturbation addicted cellmates John Mark Carr and Mel Gibson. Until he was recently kidnapped by two [to three] college students who refer to themselves as The Cult of A,E,I,O,U (and sometimes Y). Jobs was held for many days without any trace. Finally it came to the forefront that Jobs was locked naked in a cage, with only a multicolored apple which had a bite taken out of it. The cult seemed to have been angered at Apple for promoting non conformity. The cult was captured when they tried to capture Bono, the lead singer of U2, because Steve Jobs had suffered so terribly under the captivity of the cult the U.S. president decided to pardon from having to serve the remaining jailtime. After being free once again, Jobs went back to his baby eating, i(insert rendition here) creating and playa hatin'.

Ah, the good ol' days...

Jobs has recently come out with a new iProduct. His newest project, the iVibrate, will be universally released and sold to both men and women. In an attempt to make vibrators a common product around the world, he described to the horrified media what many men, including himself are capable of doing with this fresh technology.

Conspiracy Theories[edit]

Steve Jobs is rumored to have been working undercover in Roswell at the time of the UFO sex tape incident, and supposedly exploited alien technology in the making of his iBrainWash. What else would explain how Jobs could so effectively market a product to the nuns? He was also rumored to have been a candidate in the 2004 American Election but he resigned from politics after Congress refused to rename the War on Terror to iRaq. Steve Jobs is also accused of being the Hobgoblin an arch-enemy of Spider-Man revealed after Infinite Crisis. Steve was once stated to admit that he would kill off everyone in his company to replace the stars of the U.S. flag into half eaten apples. This has not yet been confirmed. Steve Jobs has no flesh and bones he simply has a black turtle neck. He chose to wear this because it is the only article of clothing that is fashionable and conceals where arms should be. Steve Jobs is also a notorious terrorist that goes solely by the name of Dr. Turtle Neck. He has had many unsuccessful attempts at taking over the world including organizing an elaborate set of plane hijackings that were to take place on September 12, 2001. However his thunder was stole with the devistating attack on the World Trade Centers on September 11, 2001.

Steve Jobs and the Bible[edit]

Jobs recently sued the Christian church for using his name in the Book of Job without adequate compensation. The case, Jobs v. God, is currently on trial. Both parties have refused to comment formally, but sources close to Jobs indicate that he "feels pretty good" about his chances in the case, stating that "God doesn't really appeal to today's youth, but iGod certainly will."

Although Jobs hates all Christians and every single mili-Jews with a passion, he has come up with an idea to revolutionize the bible, calling it iBible, which Captain Obvious called a "predictable choice for the name of such a device." Many puzzled analysts conjectured as to why Jobs would release such a device, as it goes against his moral code, and then slapped themselves hard on the head when they realized that Jobs loves money and angry donkey milfs.

Marriage to Bill Gates[edit]

Bill Gates, Fighting suit
Steve Jobs, Fighting suit
Cover of Jobs vs Gates 2002, famous videogame inspired by the epic post-divorce battle

On the 30th of May, Jobs announced that he and Gates have been keeping their marriage a secret for the past decade. The ramifications of this for shareholders of both Microsoft and Apple are unknown. It is also unknown if Microsoft's decision to enter the coffee table market is at all related.

On the night of November 20, Jobs gave birth to their first daughter, a son. Steve wanted to name him Luke. Gates had not been informed of this. However, during the birthing of Luke, Jobs made it apparent that their son would be named Luke, for he shouted "Luke, I am your father!" Though overwhelmed with joy, both Jobs and Gates are discussing whether the child should become the heir of Apple or Microsoft. It is rumored he will inherit both companies, but this information is still unknown until further notice. Steve Jobs has reportedly had several nasty encounters with Charles Barkley. Apparently, Charles Barkley said the Steve was a "doodoo pie". This pissed off the Gangsta Rapper, and soon Jobs kicked Barkley in the knee. Gates and Jobs divorced on January 21, 2001 and their son Luke was sold to Persians.

Music[edit]

In 2002, Jobs recorded "Sympathy for the Devil", an original written by him. It has a music video here:

[1]

He then went back in time and had the Rolling Stones re-record it so that nobody would know he's the devil.

The Gorillaz have allegedly featured Steve Jobs in their upcoming album. The name of the song is: "Fire coming out of a monkey's ass, and that monkey is me." Dennis Hopper was interviewed saying that it's an honor that an evil dictator like Jobs would be taking over the sequel to his song with the Gorillaz from their "Demon Days" album, "Fire coming out of a monkey's head."

Death[edit]

Steve Jobs died in a concentration camp.

(Unibody) "I own you!"! "JOBS SMMMMAAAAASSSSHHH!"

Jobs iResurrection[edit]

After the car accident Bill Gates knew he could live yet again. By using Apples latest computers and the great power of the XBOX 360 wired onto Steve Jobs he could be rebuilt and would become "Steve Jobs 2.0!." (AKA "iSteve", "iJobs" and everything with "i" in front of it). He was a mighty robot that was loved by good and feared by evil. Jobs was half man, half machine, all that Microsoft had to offer. Steve Jobs soon would become an enemy not only to Microsoft but to his closest ally Bill Gates. Steve Jobs would soon go insane and go down the pathway of destruction! One day the mighty Jobs destroyed Microsoft's new computer models and several other untested prototypes. Bill Gates, along with his well armed workers, ran to the sounds of destruction and the words,"JOBS SMASH!." As Gates and his workers got to the scene Jobs was still at large and Gates knew what he had to do. Gates ordered his workers to open fire upon the crazy machine. Pings went off as the bullets bounced off Jobs' metal chassis. The underpaid workers were beginning to freak out and resorted to charge at Jobs. Their last resort was not only damn stupid, but instantly failed with their lives. Gates was the only one left that opposed Jobs. Gates pulled out that which destroyed Jobs in the first place, a Macintosh apple. Though this was no ordinary Macintosh apple, it was a rotten one. With a mighty throw the Macintosh smashed into Jobs' face as the rotten apple leaked juice into his circuits. With sparks flying from his body Jobs finally was destroyed making Bill Gates a hero. Apparently Bill Gates underestimated the power that Jobs wielded which was primarily the XBox 360. Gates finally realized the 360 held powers no man could understand. Microsoft lost their new products that year which made Sony top selling company for the next two years. Bills Gates fell into a deep depression causing Gates to spend most of his fortune to rebuild the new products which would eventually cause the company to fail in three years. Gates would then use microsoft for the military.

Intoducing iAbsence[edit]

On January 17, 2011, one and a half years after Jobs returned from his liver transplant, Jobs announced iAbsence through his medical leave in a letter to employees. iAbsence will reinvent Tim Cook as an iCEO for day-to-day operations. The effect of iAbsence on the iStock is under thorough investigation right now.

Further reading[edit]


See also[edit]