|So you are quarrying the extent of my own madness? I know you are; I somehow doubt that you would bother to come here otherwise. Well, first thing I will say is ‘welcome, I’m glad you came. I hope you find what you are looking for.’ Naturally I wouldn’t actually mean it. My thoughts and actions are typically much different. For instance, as I say ‘welcome’ I am most likely trying to think of 101 ways to get you gone. No disrespect or anything. I just, quite simply, don’t like you. Please do not take it personally. I hate most everyone. On occasion I have debated changing my sign-on to Ms. Anthrope. However, I have used this particularly sign-on for so long that it is like an old pair of tennis shoes; extremely warn, probably should be thrown out but I still like them anyway.
You on the other hand are not like a pair of old tennis shoes. In fact I don’t really care what type of shoes you are like. I don’t particularly care to think of you at all. Well, unless you are praising me, and treating me like the queen of the universe. Then I might enjoy having you around, I might even be amused by you; particularly if you can juggle. I really do find juggling amusing. It is a wonderful waste of time. And wasting time is a wonderful thing to do. I mean, time, we have so much of it, we get it for free*. It doesn’t cost anything, so why not waste it. I’m all for time wasting, right up until the day it runs out.
I should imagine you to be some sort of characterization for a cucumber
Then again time is a bit like Oil. Plenty of it, but we have go onto foreign soil to get it. If you can’t tell, time is my favorite object for metaphors. You however are not a metaphor; I should imagine you to be some sort of characterization for a cucumber. But, personally I find that cucumbers are more engaging and entertaining, even if they can’t juggle. Besides, at least you can juggle cucumbers. It is very difficult to juggle humans, except maybe for their heads. In which case I’ll go borrow the chainsaw out of the shed and use it to borrow some heads.
I really hope you don’t mind me taking your head. I know you are probably very attached to it. I know that most people are, and I can’t fault you for wanting to keep your head. I know that if someone tried to chop off my head I’d be very upset. Then again, I would most likely be dead, so there really wouldn’t be time to be upset. Oh, well. At least it isn’t my head, and let me assure you that you would be much more attractive with out it.
I don’t mean to be callus but you are rather discomforting to look at. No, perhaps not discomforting, maybe closer to heinous. But, I dislike using such strong, cruel, and unnecessary words. I really cannot tolerate such behavior, people who use strong words so flippantly. Strong words are meant to be powerful, intense, and extremely painful. If I am going to tell someone what a completely and total asshole they are, I do not want my words demoted do to some idiots fragrant disregard to the use of powerful words.
Now that I think about it, it would not be wise to cut off your head right now. The mess would be terrible and I have no Tupperware to keep your head in as I tour the local supermarket. Also, I would only have a few days before the stench of your rotting flesh would become unbearable. And, frankly, I do not have any room left in the icebox to store your head. I suppose I will have to leave your extremities intact for now, at least until I can afford to purchase a secondary freezer unit. May I borrow some money?
No? Pity. I was never very good at juggling. I always used to drop whatever I was juggling with. Perhaps I should just give up the hobby. Maybe I need to find something else to do. Perhaps, I should troll the Internet and find a website that abhors people as much as I do.
(And that is how Alia ended up discovering Uncyclopedia. Or at least how I clam to, because we all know the truth. Ok maybe not. But at least we know the lie.)