User:Alphmega/Land Before Time
“In the first head to head battle with Disney and Oliver Twist, Bluth and Spielberg proved a formidable tag-team. It was a cage match!”
“Fucking whores made 1000 thousand sequels of my pr0n!”
“That's what you get for making illegal sequels of my pr0n!”
“Threehorns don't play with longnecks!”
The Land Before Time (more widely known as The Land Before Orgasm) is a documentation of factual events that happened made by the American pimps Don Bluth and George Lucas, focusing on those wonderful things dinosaurs were. The main aim of the movie was coprophile pornography, but it ended as being a successfull vehicle of lamarckist and communist propaganda. It was also one of the most sadistic movies ever made; in the total lack of CGI at the time it was made, the actors' heads were violently twisted and mutilated into looking like dinosaur heads.
If there had to be the main cause why Disco died, this movie had to be it. Also the birth place of Eris Discordia, but that story is for another day. The movie that inspired several more movies, tv-series toys, Bananas, POGs, book series, Broad-way page, and line of max-pads. If Bluth's previous zoophile exploits were of any use, this one certainly was. The movie was a huge box office hit, but, once more, someone had to make sequels: Universal made about one hundred, the last came yesterday. All of them are, at best, shit, thanks to the dull porn and coyly voices. When does Universal ever learn? It is speculated the original actors now live in a zoo in Czechoslovakia, since the last movie came yesterday.
The basic premise of the movie is about children-running-away-from-home-with-a-mix-group-and-surving-all-odds-until-through-mysterious-and-mystic-means-find-their-familes-again-and-happy-ending. The story focuses on the sexual adventures of five dinosaurs chicks, which wish to go to a place called "The Great Valley" (an obvious reference to Las Vegas), and that are always being chased by the dinosaur pedophile Big Tooth. But of course it is original. Because, you know, they are dinosaurs. Of course, it also deals with racism, religion, and red-meat eaters. The three evil Rs!
A young fox named Kody the Fox is adating a parody of the movie set in the tranquil residence of Turkey. This contists of the ferret being the hero, who does a favor to the mutant Turkish animals (including the heroic weasel, Austin). The ex-terrorist John threatens to destroy the whole residence. He has 2 pets: Fox (John's pet cat) and Jennar (John's rabid pet gray husky who is the main antagonist of the parody).
The story begins in a capitalist dominated Pangaea, in which there is a gap between the richer reptiles and the poorer dinosaurs. And it is in middle of a shanty town that our protagonist, Littlefoot, is born. For some reason, the author is totally anti-science, and so he changed the specie names; thus, Littlefoot's species changed the name Brontosaurus ("thunder lizard") into "Longneck", the later making absolutely no sense.
Littlefoot's family was composed of three members: his lazy assed grandparents and his mom. Because the two fucking vermin did absolutely nothing, his mom was forced to prostitution to earn money, and even so the worthless fucks had to eat their own shit to survive in the bad days. In one of such days, Littlefoot went outside and meet with another victim of the capitalist tyranny: Cera, a young Triceratops ("threehorns"; again, makes no sense) forced into the same fate as the longneck's mom, by her (or his?) own father. Littlefoot wastes no time and rapes her (or him?), despiste being only two months old. Then, the pimp Big Tooth appears on screen and desires to rape them, as any capitalist would do. The only thing that prevented him from fucking Littlefoot and Cera until their cloacas bleed was the little fucker's mom, who desesperately tried to make Big Tooth fuck her, tired of eating her own shit as she was. The result is that she was turned into the world's first hamburger for the then still evolving McDonalds.
Feeling no remorse of his mother's death, Littlefoot goes away, leaving his worthless grandparents starve to death. He travels ramdomly across the radioactive landscape, with a vague need to go to a place called Great Valley, mentioned once or twice when his grandpa fucked him. He meets Cera once more, but she (or he?) refuses to join him, her (or his?) "lower parts" still bleeding from the previous encounter. It bleeds more when she (or he?) tries to defecate. Leaving his first victim behind, Littlefoot meets a more eager partner in a lake's shore, an extra horny duckbill called Ducky (what an orginal name, don't you think?). Littlefoot's sex life improves considerably when he meets a flyer (Pteranodon) called Petrie, whose flightlessness make him an easy target to the longneck's cock, and Spike, a lizard thing who doesn't complain about being raped. Littlefoot and his gang of sluts do earn some money, which spares them from eating faeces like he did at home. Then they are joined by a terrified Cera, who claims that Big Tooth is still alive. None of the dinosaurs believes her (or him?) however, and thus gang rape her (or him?).
Forcing the threehorn to join them, the dinosaur whores are now actually looking for Great Valley, as they believe there would be enough costumers there for them to become very rich. They decide to settle on a river shore, feeding on the scraps left by the costumers of a McDonalds restaurant. Big Tooth does appear however, and the little fucker's run away, forced to vomit their dinner in order to gain speed. Most important, however, is that this fatally damages Littlefoot's power over his flock. Thus, once the supposed pathway to Great Valley turns too hostile for them, most of Littlefoot's gang abandons him and follow Cera's suggestion of going throw California instead of going throw Texas. This enrages the longneck, but he's powerless against a fair decision, so he continues alone.
However, by following Cera's suggestion, the gang is at last raped by Big Tooth and thrown in the La Brea Tar Pits. Too weak to move, they plead Littlefoot to save them, as for some reason he appears at the area. It is then revealed he actually made a pact with Big Tooth prior to the dinosaurs leaving him, and now he laughs at their slow death in the tar pits. Having got rid of the fuckers, Littlefoot becomes a single whore, earning half of the money previously earned but at least not needing to share it with anyone. That is, until J.K. Rowling stole it. Starving in the middle of the desert, Littlefoot sees a cloud that resembles his mom, and following it he ends up in a wonderfull oasis: the Great Valley. However, just as he thinks he'll be able to have it for himself, all the dinosaurs he hated in life appear there, and rape him for all eternity. It is thus implied Littlefoot died and ended up in Hell.
Since the events mentioned before happen before History was ever invented, the videos archived for this are degrated. So only hearsay and what the Romans know. The names may also be translated wrong, but the actual adventure is close to accurate.
Originally, The Fox and the Hound was a one and a half our production with an even deeper storyline. However, Disney cut out about a third of the movie to make sure it had room for all the action scenes. So after giving the floating head of Walt the finger, Don Bluth quit and decide to go solo. He failed, only successful with virgins. So then Bluth went on to do The Black Cauldron, which floped like a one-wing duck on the empire state buliding.
While researching, he accidently spotted the foot of the real Spielberg. Impressed with this act, Steven shared the wealth of his knowledge and let Bluth look through some of his ideas. Bluth looked and knew the only way to beat kittens was with the polar oppisotie of felines: Dinosaurs!!
Of course, the original idea was some wacky scientist revived the dinosaurs and when the power went out, nafariousness ensured. However, Bluth wanted something more real. So the story of the Great Valley-High struggle, which consisted of seven male dinosaurs priest seaching for the ultimate power through the legendary star-leaves, and finally reaching their promised land. Bluth hacked the story apart and made it more kid friendly. Take that, Disney!
- Gabriel (the Angel)/Damien (The Anti-Christ)....Littlefoot
- Judge Judy....Ducky
- The bird that pooped on the card today....Petrie
- The Ghost of Christmas Future....Spike
- Pat Sajak....Narrator
- Monica Bang....Littlefoot's Mother
- Chris Rock....Daddy Topps
- The Hobo on the Corner....Grandfather
- A carton of milk....Grandmother
- Mad Cow....Littlefoot's Mother's Babies' Daddy
- Generice voice actress #1....Littlefoot
- Generic voice actress #20....Cera
- Minor generic voice actress #135....Ducky
- Generic voice actor #999....Petrie
- Future illusion of Christmas....Spike
- John Reno....himself.
- A healthy Kraft Dinner....Cera
- An Ice-burg....Petire
- Possibly Death as a little old woman....Spike
- Red Green....Ducky's half-brother, Ducktape.
French (Canada) Casting
- Ze Germains....Little Foot
- Um-Chuk Comalu....Certa
- Bam Bam....Ducky
- Stick Boy...Petrie
- Diana Ross....Spike
- Celine Dion....Diana Ross
- Littlefoot: the protagonist of this shit. Despiste popular belief, he's not gay, as he can rape anyone than appears in front of him. Do not mistake him for Bigfoot, which is actually harmless. Besides his dead mom, he also has two grandparents who care for him as much as a trash can, and force him to do everything for them. Thus, he was forced to be whore (as well as to have sex with grandpa) since his baby years. He also has a father, a former client of Littlefoot's mother, who also doesn't give a shit about him and has adopted his own sex slave instead.
- Cera: Littlefoot's transexual sex slave. She (or he?) is probably the most unfortunate character in the series, being a fairly shy and modest person compared to her (or his?) arrogant rapists. She (or he?) also has a father, a total hypocrite who is bashfull towards Littlefoot's sins yet he secretly rapes his daughter (or son?).
- Ducky: the horniest duckbill on earth, she was born out of Ashley Tisdale's vaginal liquids mixed with Steve Irwin's sperm. Her motto is "Yep Yep Yep!", usually said when someone asks if she would like to have her face covered in cum. She lives with her mom Ashley, who teaches her new sex tricks everyday.
- Petrie: another of Littlefoot's victims, as well as Ducky's favourite target when she's horny. Being a Flyer, he looks like a brown penguin (his brown colour likely derived from the fact everyone else shits on him), and so he works for Microsoft Linux. He was also invited to have a role in Happy Feet, but declined once Littlefoot threatned him to suck his cock. He's also a total retard, speaking like a mormon. It is revealed that he has an uncle called Pteranus in the seventh movie, who is the bitch of two stronger male flyers (not that he's complaining).
- Spike: a worthless fuck who doesn't speak, doesn't think, and has absolutely no life (nor penis, for that matter). For that reason, he is pretty much more of a sex toy than a living thing really (except when he eats or shits, then its pretty much alive), so everyone on the series fucks him. He belongs to Ducky though, so one needs to ask her to use him. In the eight episode or so it is revealed there are more creatures like him, and the entire plot focuses on the sexual adventures of the superior dinosaurs with them. In episode four he does actually say "Bicth!" when Ducky was having sex with a bird and a crocodile.
- Chomper: Big Tooth's son who is introduced in movie two. Because he was born right in front of Littlefoot that made the longneck his legal guardian, and so he treated the little t-rex cub as well as his own family treated him. As a result, Chomper was taken away to a family of foster t-rexes after so much abuse. However, no matter how much his parents loved and cared for him, he returned to Littlefoot in the tv series, and since then he works as his whore. His name comes from the morbid habit of his that, when someone tries to have oral sex with him, he chomps the rapist's dick off. Thats why Littlefoot has no dick you see.
- Ruby: a bisexual bird thingie introduced in the tv series, after many complains of lack of enough straight/lesbian sex in the series. Ducky's favourite lover, she is just as slutty as her, but she's better at giving handjobs than blowjobs. She dislikes Littlefoot, only using him when no one else is availiable. Of course, that doesn't mean he doesn't rape her...
- Other chracters: aside from the mentioned dysfunctional families of the protagonists, most episodes feature a character or another that always ends up being gang raped at some point in the story (or, more often, during the whole movie). Some made second appearences in the tv series; unless they like to be raped thousands of times, its unclear why they appear.
Despiste the fact this movie had an extremely negative response (jeez, I wonder why), Universal Pictures's bicthness implies that at least 100 thousands sequels should be made (as in American Tail and Balto), and that was the end result. Such movies are even worse than the original, focusing more on shitty songs and plots than on pr0n.
- Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Orgy
- Land Before Time III: The Time of Wall Street Crash
- Land Before Time IV: Journey Throw the Cunt
- Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Anus
- Land Before Time VI: The Secret of Sauron's Dildo
- Land Before Time VII: "Hot and Cold" (by Katy Perry)
- Land Before Time VIII: "I froze my balls!"
- Land Before Time IX: Journey to Big Cum
- Land Before Time X: The Redneck Migration
- Land Before Time XI: War of the Worlds
- Land Before Time XII: The Great Day of Desktop Flyers
- Land Before Time XIII: Wisdom of Sex Buddies
- Land Before Time XIV: The Fellowship of the Ring
- Land Before Time XV: The Two Towers
- Land Before Time XVI: The Return of the King
- Land Before Time XVII: Littlefoot vs Barney
- Land Before Time XVIII: Littlefoot gets AIDS
- Land Before Time XIX: Littlefoot Dies
- Land Before Time DCLXVI: Dinosaurs pwned by Chuck Norris
In addition there was also a tv series, further turning children into whores.