User:ByPyth/Eternal Galactic War

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The Eternal Gacltic War is a struggle for power between the Democrats and Republicans which has raged for Millennia.

Strategic Defence Initiative[edit]

Evidence for the rumoured alliance between the Sith and Republicans

On Mach 23rd 1983, American president Ronald Reagan announced the Strategic Defence Initiative. This was a monumental project, which aimed to set up a defence system in space, which could destroy Soviet missiles which had been launched at the USA. Many critics believed this had been a long time coming, with one newspaper suggesting that the galactic defence system had already been established after a journalist had gathered information from a covert source. Instead of using a sexually explicit alias such as the one used in the Watergate scandal, “Deepthroat", which was based on a crude pornographic video released at the time, he adopted the more conservative "Three blondes gagging". The article claimed that the defence system was set up by Richard Nixon during his time in office, and that Reagan only announced it now as some astronomers and men of high intelligence were becoming curious after noticing giant objects, which looked suspiciously like weapons, orbiting the Earth. The Strategic Defence Initiative had featured in a critically acclaimed documentary by the Director George Lucas, known as ’Star Wars’, which was released in 1977, which heightened suspicions of an alliance between the Republican Party and the dark side of the force, The Sith.

The work of Richard Nixon[edit]

Darth Vader and Richard Nixon discussing who was their favourite member of The Beatles.

Richard Nixon became President of the United States of America on 20th January 1969, and even though he claimed that he would concentrate on civil rights and environmental issues, his main focus was the Strategic Defence Initiative. After receiving funding from the Sith in an ambiguous currency, Nixon set about planning and constructing a giant spherical headquarters on the outskirts of the Solar System, which was given the code name ‘The Death Star’. This headquarters enabled the dark side of the force to construct the Strategic Defence Initiative in secret, therefore stopping the Soviets or even worse, the Democrats, from gaining any knowledge of their plans. Nixon was becoming bored with his role as President, as he felt he had much more to offer the Sith if he was given a role with much greater power. After pestering Darth Sidious for a new job, he was finally offered Assistant Deputy Commander in Chief of Imperial Forces and Head Director of the Strategic Defence Initiative and Death Star, a position of great power which he so greatly craved. In order to take up his new role, Nixon first had to resign as President of the United States. To do this, the sith employed Bounty Hunters, including the notorious Bobo Fett, to infiltrate the Democrat Party’s headquarters at Watergate and be purposefully caught in the act. The sith then sent somebody to leak information to the press which would compromise Nixon. The agent which they sent went by the codename ‘Deepthroat’, and is widely believed to be Darth Vader, who was sent to prove his worth to the Emperor. Nixon was forced to resign over the ‘scandal’ on the 9th August, 1974, thus enabling him take up his new job aboard the Death Star. Nixon’s contribution to the Strategic Defence Initiative was significant. He would work long hours on the project, only stopping to sleep and to enjoy a glass of whiskey and a game of cards with Darth Vader and a clone of Abraham Lincoln.

The Events of 1977[edit]

Richard Nixon being protected by an Imperial Guard as he says his 'Goodbyes' before fleeing the Death Star

The Republicans were defeated by the Democrats in the Presidential election of 1977 and this would serve as a catalyst for unprecedented events which would soon follow. The coming to office of Jimmy Carter had given the Democrats a great morale boost, as more people than ever before applied to become a Jedi knight. With more Jedi’s at their disposal, the Democrats planned a daring attack on the Death Star, which they had become aware of after Carter found a detailed plan of the headquarters stuffed down the back over a sofa in the Oval Office. In March, the Democrats, supported by the Rebel Alliance, launched a mission to destroy the Death Star, thus weakening the Republican stranglehold on outer space. The mission was a great success with a Jedi knight, rumoured to be future US president and Sex God Bill Clinton, firing the key blow to a weak point of the Death Star which was discovered in the found plans, after a death defying trench run. Even though Darth Vader, and more disappointingly for the Democrats, Richard Nixon escaped unhurt, it was a great setback for the Republicans, while also ridding the solar system of the Abraham Lincoln clone. These events were captured on film by anti republican and Jedi apprentice George Lucas, who released his footage as the global blockbuster ‘Star Wars’ on May 25th 1977. However, for unknown reasons, Lucas did not reveal hardly any information on the Republican’s antics, although some idiotic conspiracy theorists raised the idea that an alliance had been formed between the Republican Party and the Sith. The conspiracy theories would later be proved correct, thus sparking the rise to fame of the conspiracy theorist legend, Al Gore.

Aftermath of 1977[edit]

Although the amount of direct fighting decreased after 1977, the Republicans had already built a new headquarters, an improved Death Star, by 1980. Another battle would erupt between the Democrats and Republicans, with a similar outcome again. This lead to a quiet period of intergalactic war-fare under Ronald Reagan, as the Sith had been pretty much wiped out, therefore funding for the Republican Party had become very limited. The race for the domination of space has gained some speed again over the last few years as the Republicans under George Bush have become devoted to the completion of the international space station. It is believed that the station will serve as a monitoring station to keep an eye on any attempts by the democrats to transport Jedi Knights to other regions of the galaxy. By enforcing this restriction, the Republicans hope that the Jedi’s will succumb to a horrific death due to global warming. It is common knowledge that Jedi Knights are vulnerable to extreme heat and that their high - tech robes are constructed so that air flow is kept to a maximum to prevent insulation to stop them from overheating. Also the only thing that frightens a Jedi Knight is water, especially large bodies of water where they may be required to swim. Republican spies have noticed that Jedi training does not include learning to swim, therefore making this their only weakness except for exposure to heat and their addiction to orgies. Therefore rising sea levels may bring about an unfashionable end to the legendary Jedi force.

Past Events[edit]

There have been many incidents over the past millennium involving Republican and Democrat forces, but the most high profile of these have occurred over the past four decades. On November 22nd 1963, President John F. Kennedy was assassinated while touring around Dallas in his open top limousine. It is rumoured that the fatal attempt on his life was masterminded by covert Sith operatives, who blackmailed Lee Harvey Oswald into murdering JFK by threatening to spread rumours that Mr Oswald had engaged in sexual relationships with horses and hounds. The Sith were successful in getting rid of President Kennedy, who had become a major threat to the Republican/ Sith Alliance due to his popularity over his handling of the Cuban Missile Crisis. Conspiracy theorists have speculated the majority of weapons on Cuba were not Russian, but were in fact Imperial missiles and TIE Fighters. However, this has never been confirmed by any officials as there is no evidence to support the claim. In response to the assassination of JFK, it is believed that the Democrats were behind the failed assassination of Ronald Reagan on 31st March 1981. It was considered a direct attack to avenge the death of JFK, while also being part of the many missions carried out by Democrat and Jedi forces at the time to rid the world of any Republicans.

Many more recent events have been rumoured to have been caused by the eternal war between the Democrats and Republicans: 9/11 and the Iraq war for example. Of course any truth is very deeply buried and will be unlikely to been unearthed for decades or even centuries, but the truth will come out as it is inevitable that copious journalists will encounter sources using aliases of crude and degrading pornographic material as the war for galactic domination rages on.