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“What the hell did you just put in my ear?”
Aural Sex is a form of sexual intercourse in which the male penis is inserted into the ear of a partner. Aural sex is not to be confused with oral sex. Warning: Throughout this article, the word partner is used interchangeably for wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, hooker, friend, hobo, talking dinosaur, and Barack Obama.
What Makes Aural Sex So Unique?
You may be asking yourself, "What's so great about sticking your dick in somebody's ear?". Well, read on, my good fellow, and you shall find out.
1. Aural Sex is almost* completely risk free. How the hell are you going to get her pregnant by sticking your dick in her ear?
2. Contrary to popular belief, it actually feels great for both parties. It might take some getting used to for the recipient, but for the one with the penis, it is an undeniably pleasurable sensation.
3. It is one of the best ways to get someone's attention.
- Side affects may include a really sore dick, an enlarged earhole, broken ear bones, a busted eardrum, semen buildup along the inside of the ear, nausea, and vomiting. And cancer.
How Do I Perform Aural Sex?
Now that you have been enlightened to the amazing sensation that is Aural Sex, you are probably dying to try it out on your partner. Unlike other forms of sex which require unnecessary preparation including the removal of clothes and whatnot, Aural Sex can be performed on the fly with no preparation.
1. First, make sure the penis is not erect.*
2. Apply heavy amounts of lubricant to the penis and ear. It is here that I should probably note that it is necessary to have a willing partner.
3. Get your partner to hold still.
4. Slowly and carefully, insert your penis into the earhole. It is completely normal for it to feel like a really tight squeeze. Unless you have a really small dick. Your partner should begin to notice excruciating pain. Don't worry, as they will soon grow used to it.
5. Do something to arouse yourself, so you begin to receive an erection. This is necessary to make the earhole larger. Your partner may start screaming, so restraint may be necessary. You may feel a bit uncomfortable yourself. Keep in mind that although this hurts like a mother now, it is extremely beneficial in the long run.
6. Now that you have a (hopefully) sizable erection, keep your penis inside the ear for at least 15 hours. It is necessary to maintain an erection for this entire period. If the ear starts bleeding, know that this is normal.
7. Phew! Now that that ordeal was over, feel free to remove your penis from your partner's ear.
8. Good! Now look at your partner's ear. Is it noticeably larger? If it is not, repeat steps 5-6 until it is.
9. Now, it is necessary to run warm water into your partner's ear to wash out any blood, earwax, semen, or any other fluids. Allow the ear several hours to dry before the next step.
10. Now that your partner's ear is sufficiently enlarged, you can now apply lubricant and comfortably engage in Aural Sex! Exciting, isn't it?
- It is necessary not to have an erection at the beginning of the procedure, as there is nothing harder than trying to fit an erect penis into someone's unenlarged ear.
1. Aural Sex involves sex with words.
Completely untrue. No matter where you heard this, the people who told you it were likely intoxicated/stoned/morons.
2. Aural Sex hurts. A lot.
Wait, that's not a misconception, that's the truth! What the hell is this doing here? Son of a bitch! Where's my lawyer?
3. Aural Sex has many health risks.
While Aural Sex does have a few small health risks, it's benefits far outweigh the costs. After partaking in Aural Sex, you enjoy the following benefits: a dick that is nearly 0.000000078mm larger than before, a partner with a really big ear, a 0.6% less chance of an ear infection, and a fun new way to spice up your love life!