User:Crablogger/How to do It with a Squirrel

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How to do It with a Squirrel is one of the best-selling books in the world, written surprisingly by Uncyclopedia worker-drone, User:Crablogger, who is also a worker-drone for Wikipedia.


H.T.D.I.W.A.S. is a semi-autobiographical account about how the author's life has been wasted writing shit on the Internet that nobody will ever see anyway because they at least have lives. For the first five chapters, User:Crablogger simply drones on about how he's wasted his life writing pointless stuff for Uncyclopedia and Wikipedia without even getting any awards or thanks for it. Because these are all boring, they have been editted out of later editions.

It isn't until Chapter Six that the book finally gets to the point. Slappy Squirrel, in her sexual quest, meets User:Crablogger whilst on a trip to England, and the two eventually fall in love, have a Walnut dinner, have sex, and have a long-lasting kinky relationship.

The book later demonstrates sexual positions for Humans to have sex with squirrels, cartoon characters and cartoon squirrels. The final pages of the original are slightly stained with sexual lubricant.


Sales of the book were slow to begin with because the opening was a little too much like Lemony Snickett. But after recent re-edits that focussed on the relationship between Slappy and Crablogger, sales shot up from 2 to 19,764,820,496 in the opening month.

The book also revived interest in Slappy Squirrel and triggered numerous other human-cartoon relationships, including:

Since 1999, the book has grossed $3,882,650,000 worldwide. From it's release on July 4, 1999 until 2001, it was the best-selling book of all time, until it lost it's title to Return of the Killer Tomatoes.

Sexual Positions Mentioned[edit]

  • The Wrapper - The squirrel female wraps her tail around the knob and screws it
  • Backside Blam - The human male is chained up and has a stick of Dynamite shoved up his ass
  • The Blowjob - Title says it all