User:DJ Irreverent/Boxcar

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The exquisite interior of a modern box car.

Though rather plain in appearance, the Boxcar is regarded as the finest form of vehicular transport by many due to its cheap production, astounding efficiency and abundant fuel source. Many drivers suggest that a ride in a Boxcar "is so smooth it feels like you haven't moved." The Boxcar is also noted for its remarkable ability to adapt to any terrain with ease, varying from a nice leisurely Sunday drive to a year-long space mission with little or no physical change. Despite having fallen slightly in popularity in recent years due to flashier alternatives, the Boxcar still is the most popular choice as a first car.

A Typical Boxcar[edit]

A Boxcar is a very simple machine yet also a very complex one, amazing yet also very bland, ugly yet strangely- no just ugly. How you see the Boxcar depends on how you look at it; many prefer a high angle offset to the right though most prefer a ground shot offset to the dumpster.

Boxcars vary in size from small, one flapped "compacts" to large

The single greatest quality of the Boxcar is its capability to hold an infinite amount of fuel

Most second hand Boxcars are purchased for next to nothing from so called "back alley" dealerships

"Horseless crates"

All Boxcars gain their power from the revolutionary Cerebral Combustion Unit, or in lay terms, Brain


According to a worldwide study in 2006, Boxcars are the safest form of transport with most accidents confined to the pants of the occupants. Despite this sudden rollovers are all to common, resulting in bruised arms, legs and egos and 16% of paper-cuts worldwide. Many prominent doctors argue that most Boxcar drivers are too young or too stingy to own any form of dignity, be it second hand or borrowed from an older sibling. They do however argue that a lollipop can cure any injury caused by boxcars, no matter how protruding that bone is.


Ever since the beginning of time man has dreamed of getting from point A to point B with as little effort as possible. Many a palaeolithic tool maker sat and pondered over this idea, many more stared down the furs of passing cave-women. After thousands of years of thought, consideration, reasoning and ogling, one Central Asian cromagnon finally had it! Sadly the wheel came along and ruined the whole idea.

However the dream remained; someone just needed to turn the metaphorical thought into the metaphorical action, literally.

Boxcar - From Dream to Reality[edit]

The year was 1883; the rich were rich, the poor were Irish and the middle class were 1 dimensional stereotypes. Birds fluttered about between trees like Oscar Wilde between opium dens. All was perfect[1], all that is except transport[2].

Lets say you wanted to travel from Piccadilly to White-chapel to say "sample the local strumpet". [3]. Being the upstanding fine member of the aristocracy you are, a horse and cart would be most obvious. However, you are filthy rich dammit! Obvious is not a word in your vocabulary. Vacuous, maybe. Debaucherous, definitely. Obvious, no my good man. The orphans who slave for hours in your semi-legal coal mine wouldn't like to see you travel in something obvious, actually they wouldn't like see you at all. To keep your orphans happy, yourself alive and your upper lip at maximum stiffness there are several other forms of transport available:

  • Perambulation - Ah the mode of transport for and snake oil merchants. Your aristocratic frame is not used to traveling long distances or even modestly sized distances. Also you're morbidly obese.
  • Velocipede -
  • Hot Air Balloon -

Alternatively you could stay faithful to your long suffering wife

the aristocracy were looking for a form of transport that could rub their wealth in as many faces as possible, as quickly as possible

It was at this point a small Welsh town, 3 ducks, a monkey and a rather over enthusiastic polka band stepped into the increasingly convoluted story. While the ducks, monkey and polka band were quickly rounded up and shooed with a warning about disrupting narrative tone, the small Welsh town would become the focal point of the Boxcar story, in particular one small barn on the outskirts of town.

The owner of this barn, one Hershel Boxworth, had spent many hours observing this obvious lack of of efficient, personal overland transport. He had spent far more hours explaining to the local police force how observing the obvious lack of of efficient, personal overland transport involved a telescope and lubricant.

Boxworth may have been a man of small intelligence but he was also a man of great ambition and even greater facial hair. If Boxworth had a dream, damned if he couldn't get it done. Boxworth did indeed had a dream, an amazing spectacular world changing dream, a revolutionary groundbreaking history altering dream, a dream all to inappropriate to be described here. However, interrupting this first dream was a second, insipid, rather ordinary dream;

What if there was a way to harness the spectacular power of imagination and transfer that into power to transport the driver of the vehicle from point A to point B?

Though the dream seemed distant Boxworth persisted. He struggled and strained. He built model upon model. He tested every law of matter, motion and energy known to man, woman or transsexual until it became clear that the dream was not physically possible. Finally, after much pleading, cursing and shouting to the stormy godless skies above, he had it.

With the right lubricant -

and just the right motion -

A banana really could fit up there.

And, with the five pounds he won off his now sickened friends, Boxworth set about building the first prototype of the Boxcar.

Time-line of the Boxcar[edit]

The first Boxcar was a crude affair

however being the self centered asshole he was the rest was donated to the local orphanage

San Francisco’s famous Boxcar, the reason it is not moving is because that bastard at the back is imagining the showgirls

In the early 1920’s Boxcars became a very popular mode of transport due to their cheap construction. The difficulty was that it was hard to keep all the occupants imagining the same destination;

That and the smoking compartment had an unfortunate habit of catching fire. Most blamed witch-handcraft.

His budding boxcar business extended into many varied fields of expertise. All of which he were forcibly removed from by the disgruntled farmers who owned those fields having spoiled many a good crop of expertise.


Adjusting the oral output of the cerebral propulsion unit will have a major effect on the performance zzzzzzooooooooooommm zzzzzzzzzzoooooooooooommm mode will generally

rocking the vehicle is necessary to travel safely over rough terrain

  • Alabama Day-out - Popularized in 1890s, this technique involves the driver or main cerebrally propelled unit commanding


Used Boxcars are often re-used as makeshift homes for animals.
Boxcars are particularly popular for the haulage of polystyrene packing peanuts.
  1. Yes absolutely every fucking thing
  2. Now look what you did
  3. We are assuming you are male because, until 1913, female vehicular ownership was strictly illegal. A lot of women baked a lot of cakes for that right. Most of them fruitcakes.