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   Darklink4025 Icons-flag-us.png Do it again and I'll slit your fucking throat.

“Where have you been all my life?”

~ Jesus on Zak

“Zak is the best example I've ever heard of a rags-to-riches story. Born in the gutters, raised by wolves, he slowly rised to stardom and slaughtered every fucking Indian in a 2000 mile radius.”

~ Zackhix on Zak

“Besides Christopher Walken, those are the second sweetest pair of tits I've ever seen.”

~ Mel Gibson on Zak

“He's so fucking wasted.”

“Why am I alive?!”

~ Zak on Zak

The N00b years[edit]


In mid 1990, a son was born to Emilio Estevez and the leader of the Martin Lawrence fanclub, Drew Barrymore. While the name of this child is unknown, minor religions (see Hedgehog-ism) have named him Zak. The reasons for such a naming are unknown, though experts speculate that said religions have always liked the spelling of "Zack" or "Zach" without the C or the H. The experts tend to agree with these minor religions and so the name "Zak" stuck.


Zak grew up in Southern Miami, now present day Danish-Canada. Most of his time was spent making custom goggles for the United States Infant Spelunking Team, who, due to the effectiveness of the goggles, beat out the French by getting 100 meters further in exploring the previously unreachble depths of Jack Thompson's retentive anus.

At the age of 5, Zak entered the Olympics. He won the Gold for the Irish in Your Mom jokes, but suffered a stunning loss after getting last place in Phallic Luge.

The rest of Zak's life until 1996 is unaccounted for. When asked by BBC Reporters in an on-site interview about what happened in this "dark period," Zak quoted parts of the Torah, denounced the Jewish Faith, then reaccepted it.

Acting Phase[edit]

After the 22nd crash of the Stock Market in 1998, Zak decided that he wanted to live a life of acting. Quickly following in the footsteps of famous actor, Joseph Stalin, Zak gained footholds in major casting companies and was soon doing stand-ins for major movies.

Minor Roles[edit]

J. K. Rowling[edit]

“I swear, that kid looked so much like Hermione Granger that I shat myself.”

On February 29, 1999, outside a coffee shop in Queens, Zak met with J. K. Rowling after her book signing. Their conversation was overheard, but due to them speaking in Engrish, it couldn't be translated. However, a few months later, Zak scored a major role in the spin-off movie, Harry Potter Vs. Siegmund Freud, as the eccentric bartender, Doctor Deutschebag. The movie was such a success that Zak was rocket propelled to stardome. He began starring in major films with rather large budgets.

Recent Major Roles[edit]

Recent Life[edit]

Zak has been living a comfortable life in Pasadena, California, writing his new book entitled, "Your are Sucks: How to Deal With Grammar Nazis." Critics have already awarded it the Pulitzer's Prize and it hasn't even been published.


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"Where iz my moo-nii?"