User:David Gerard
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Foolitzer Prize Winner January 2007
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Too much Wikipedia explodes your head. But I got Writer Of The Month for January 2006, so my ego got large enough to pull Mars out of its orbit. I could try Unicyclopedia next or something.
YUO ARE A ROUGE ADMNIN ON UNCYLCOPDEIA. My master plan is to get the sysop bit on every MediaWiki installation in the world.
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Contents |
[edit] Stuff what I wrote
Or started, or wrote a substantial chunk of. Front-page features are in bold; current nominees are in italics and you should vote for them IMMEDIATELY.
/Ideas are for anyone's use if I don't get there first. /Draft is what it says. /Rubbish is my subpage for life's little failures. /David Gerard is the un-article someone wrote on me. Goodness!
[edit] Articles
Don't you wish you were a bishop too?
- 19100
- 4chan
- Asshole Personality Disorder
- The A-Team with MC Hawking
- Australian-English Dictionary
- Autofellatio
- Ayn Landers
- Bad metal — deleted. Bah!
- Blind Lemon Kraftwerk
- /Camera phone - VFD, WTF?!
- Cancer porn
- Command Line — IRC collaboration with SonicChao
- /Crushing by autofellatio - back to the sheltered workshop!
- /Czechuser (discrimination) - back in draft.
- Evil Atheist Conspiracy (Immoral and rapacious aims)
- Fountainhead Earth
- Furry tolerance
- Gay Pride — three days from creation to front page.
- Hunnel — from an idea by Splaka.
- Ingvar Kamprad
- Keira Knightley In A White Corset And Kate Beckinsale In A Black One
- Kevin J. Anderson
- King of the Internet
- KITTENHOEFFER magazine stand
- Linux Pride
- Lolo Ferrari — IRC collaboration with other bottle-fed boys.
- Main Page (movie) — starter based on wikien-l posts.
- Marxist
- My Own Private IPO
- Nebraska (corn. fields.)
- O RLY?
- Perth (Culture, Visiting Perth, Perth in popular culture)
- Pounding bat sodomy (skeleton)
- Process is important
- Put Out or Get Out
- Saint Chav
- Uncyclomedia Foundation (complete rewrite)
- Self-assembly furniture — currently on Undictionary, I need to expand it
- UK Hitler Channel
- Vegemite (the long bit about axle grease, first thing I wrote here)
- Wikia
- Wikipedia (the caption on Image:Jimbo-bikini-babes.jpg)
- X Window System — four days from creation to front page.
- /Youth socialism — deleted. Bah, I say!
- Zombie Bukkake
[edit] UnNews
I spent December 2006 in bed ill, so churned out UnNews like a man in fever delirium (which I was). This got me nominated for the Foolitzer, which meant I had to turn out an article a day for all of January 2007. NOW THE WHOLE WORLD IS LOOKING LIKE FAKE NEWS. BECAUSE IT IS.
I'm now writing these things one a day for Today.com at http://notnews.today.com/ — if my brain starts overflowing with them I'll be sure to chuck 'em this way.
[edit] Pre-Dec 2006
- Adam Sandler to direct The Hobbit
- Bill Clinton: All you need is Ubuntu Linux
- Britney and Paris market new line of designer-label merkins
- Doctor: Business suits are a health risk
- Homosexuality "helps boys read"
- Linux: Every time you use EXT3, Hans Reiser kills again
- London Tube terrorist plot foiled by eagle-eyed patriots
- New storm approaches as Vancouver remains under "drink beer" advisory
- New "voice chat" feature proposed for mobile phones — four days from creation to front page. Empirically proven to pwn.
- Nw Zld stdts rplcd w mob phns
- Online encyclopedia Wikipedia bans sarcasm
- Quality of Wilde's latest work questioned by some critics — an IRC collaboration with Mhaille and ENeGMA.
- Supreme Court declares global warming unconstitutional
- UK welfare Mutual Obligation reform — actually written by Morwen, copied here by me and added to a fair bit.
[edit] Dec 2006
- Actually funny joke found in Christmas cracker
- BlackBerry "essential tool for business deception"
- "Bungee Saddam" wins 2006 Political Ad Of The Year
- Crop circles found on Mars
- Forty "respec'" areas to be announced in UK
- Gerald Ford achieves light-footedness, rhythm
- Global Tea for Peace held yesterday, completely successful
- Icke, LaRouche: Diana killed in "vast conspiracy"
- John Littlerichard: Spare us the "People's Paparazzi" routine
- L. Ron Turkmenbashi passes to the next Operating Thetan level
- Murderer tracks down YouTube user — written by §ǚρωξλ£μĦΦφ≈€ƏξßÐÆØΞ from a pile of ideas by me, then expanded by me
- New records set in diamond-hard journalism
- Parents defend controversial decision on trust-fund daughter
- Research: Uncyclopedia worker interruptions costly
- Sex machine recalled by manufacturer — though this take by §ǚρωξλ£μĦΦφ≈€ƏξßÐÆØΞ is much better
- UK government pushes for ID cards for serial killers
- Wikimedia Foundation to introduce paid editing
- Zoologists can now breed goths at will
[edit] Jan 2007
- Airport worker sent home in crucifix row
- Annoying little git sweeps Put Out or Get Out
- Another internet "FBI agent" turns out to be 12yo girl
- BBC plans documentary "I Love The C-Word"
- Big Brother accused of "classism"
- Blair: Saddam execution was "completely wrong"
- Brain's "addiction centre" found
- Bugger off: Uncyclopedia blocks posts from the United States
- Bush targets approval ratings with distraction plan
- Christian activists fight homosexual produce
- Cognac and iPod ban for North Korea
- Cold snap hits Perth
- Controversy over presidential "all ur base r blong 2 me" signing statement
- Courts turn to Uncyclopedia, but selectively
- Darwin TV examined after Tube deaths
- Disney's Tigger takes stern action against copyright violators
- Dutch party bans poisoning politicians
- General Motors to recall 533,000 SUV drivers
- Giant UFO seen at O'Hare Airport
- Gimp group objects to K-Fed ad
- Hackers nab €800,000 from Nordea Bank
- "Hold your dork for Zork" competition clears up last of gamer infestation
- Hoodie toddlers ransack corner shop
- How to spot a psychopath at work
- Hugo Chávez announces "socialist revolution," tops 2007 Dead Pools worldwide
- Internet "FBI agent" turns out to be 12yo girl
- John Reid: "Oh fuck, not the Home Office"
- London cardboard box sells for £170,000
- Lords consider mental health laws
- "Lost" writers in talks about ending
- Management by Assholism sweeps the workplace
- Microsoft announces new Z-Phone
- Microsoft pays people not to edit Wikipedia
- Microsoft to fight piracy through comics
- Naomi sucks out brains of all newspaper readers for 500 mile radius
- New MMORPG "First Life" gaining popularity
- 'No opt-out' on gays for Catholic church
- PlayStation 3 European launch announced
- Priests battle "printing press" pirates
- Robert Anton Wilson assassinated at 75
- Robot cavity searchers to be installed on street corners
- Ruth Kelly sending her disabled child to private school
- School rock'n'roll gets extra funding
- Seditious "historian" executed for terrorist jaywalking
- Self-emasculating girly man takes wife's name
- Sex "cuts public speaking stress"
- Scientology exhibit valiantly protects the mentally ill
- Sheep farming in the Falklands
- Stars must "check science facts" — wins all the 'l33t points
- Trabant-Microsoft automobile unveiled
- UK copyright extension needed to motivate deceased artists
- UK faces full prisons
- US sends Libertarianism to cleanse Somali government
- War on Illegal drugs working
- Whitley Strieber launches 'stylish' anal probe
[edit] Feb-Mar 2007
- A nice cup of tea and a sit down proven to cure all human ills
- Blair hails success of childhood crime review project
- Capita letter-bombed
- Coroner censures Network Rail for providing too much warning
- Crippled diseased genetic fetishisation wins Crufts
- Followup to smash hit Vista already in production
- Germany joins Axis Of Evil with rest of Europe
- IKEA chief optimistic on North Korea visit
- Internet Safety Day cures paedophilia once again
- Jimmy Wales found to have lied about credentials
- Microsoft CEO dampens Vista sales forecast
- Microsoft offers discount on daylight saving time
- (RED) campaign announces first-year results
- Scientist: Frog could be 25 million years old
- "Straight fairytales" anger Islington residents
- Ted Haggard declared "completely heterosexual"
- Wiltshire police in panty promo
[edit] April-July 2007
- 14 Tesco stores forced to close in bomb scare
- Car bomb in Reichstag
- Carnage at NASA from office ban on self-defense
- Consumers buy HD DVDs to spite copyfighters
- Laughter at Hitler's funeral: Hundreds see Adolf off
- Labour must have soul
- Labour Volunteer Force ends political campaigns (originally by Michael Stevens, rewrite by me)
- Paris declared "cruel and unusual punishment"
- Sat nav driver's car shot down by troops
- UK pub smoking ban going as smoothly as might be expected
- World cowers in horror at Paris's return
[edit] August-December 2007
- 30 Years Ago Today: Jimmy Wales Kills Andrew Orlowski's Pet Puppy
- Gays beg Republicans: "stop being gay"
- Harry Potter revealed to be "heterosexual"
- Iran threatened with Chris de Burgh concert
- Paris Hilton to be sent to Rwanda
- Patients a "burden on NHS"
- Prime Minister pledges foot-in-mouth action
- Putin is sick of LiveJournal too — actually by two LiveJournal posters, put on UnNews by me.
- Surfer dude stuns physicists with theory of everything
- Wikipedia "shows nerdy obsessive edits"
[edit] January-June 2008
- 151 escape death as Aeroflot lands successfully at Heathrow
- Alien sex offenders being deported from Virginia
- Archbishop: Britain should adopt Dailymailia law
- Birth defects warnings deemed 'Islamophobic'
- Fucking children inexplicably fails to make new Catholic sin list
- Homeland Security valiantly protects America from brown babies
- Lecturer bans students from using "paper" and "pens"
- 'Lolita' bed for girls withdrawn
- Louisiana passes "academic freedom" law
- Machines to be as stupid as humans by 2029
- Microsoft promises to feign interoperability better
- Oh Jesus, the robots are coming to kill us all
- Putin protégé reveals his moderate side
- Uncyclopedia Internal Security Department warns on Malaysia
- Uncyclopedia Sophia entry is criticised
[edit] July 2008 on
- Pope hits out at consumer culture, prefers time when Church owned everything
- Richard Dawkins' face found on tortilla
[edit] GIMP abuse
This is stuff I mangled together myself, not just things I appropriated as-is as fair use under US law for purposes of satirical or political commentary. Although most of the sources are covered under that.
- Adevicethatisexploding.png — The effects of assembling the KITTENHOEFFER magazine stand.
- Birmingham niggers logo 3.png — The "Rufus" logo of the Birmingham Niggers baseball team
- Blind Lemon Kraftwerk.jpg
- Fountainhead earth cover.jpg — Fountainhead Earth movie tie-in cover
- Gnomeboot1.png — GNOME login screen
- Gnomehint.png — GNOME in use
- Ikeacustomerservice.png — IKEA's new customer service technique is unstoppable!
- Im-sooo-drunk.png (NSFW) — found an image and made it grainy and crappy for Camera phone
- Katevskeira.png — obvious, really.
- Myownprivateseptember.jpg — I can do movie posters too!
- Niggers cheerleaders.jpg — the Birmingham Niggers' cheerleading squad.
- Nokia Ultravox voicechat prototype.jpg — lab prototype for the new "voice chat" feature proposed for mobile phones.
- Tmorly.jpg — T!M O RLY?, founder of O RLY?
- Turkmenbashi auditing a tomato.jpg
- Wtf kitten.jpg — "Like, WTF dude. You have got to be shitting me." A photo of my new kitten Neo being highly unimpressed with digital imaging devices. Pic by Arkady Rose.
- Wmd.gif — I Believe In The WMD
- Zed-kitten.jpg — Z (born Zed Alvin Steinwitz, 1966) at the height of his horrifying two-litter-a-day habit.
[edit] Awards
 Writer of the Month January 2006
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| Go do Special:Newpages patrol. I do believe there's more crap there than on Wikipedia newpages. |
| boarderboarderboarderboarderboarderboarderboarder boarder[Outstanding Cracker of the Minute]boarder boarderboarderboarderboarderboarderboarderboarder |
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You have been cited in Uncyclopedian Bios. Apparently you are "notable". Don't ask me why; I think you're lame. |
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