User:Drakedagger/High School Musical

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The upcoming feature, High School Musical 3, was canceled during the WGA strike, and when the entire obonxiously upbeat cast coincidentally fell out of a plane during a promotional stunt.

“That movie is far too gay for me.”

~ Oscar Wilde on High School Musical

“Why Kenny, why?.”

~ Any Newsies fan on High School Musical

High School Musical is a thinly disguised pornographic film by Disney Pictures. The plot revolves around 2 teenagers, Gabriella Montez, a prostitute and Troy Bolton, a playboy.

The movie is inappropriately set in Columbine High School, 3 days in the aftermath of Bob Dylan and Eric Clapton's musical rampage that led to the death's of dozens of students and faculty, and unfortunately not those of the two musicians.

Characters[edit]

Troy Bolton: Holds the world record for having sex with the most people at the same time 26. These people include Gabriella Montez, O.J. Simpson, Donald Duck, a red crayon, Markey Mark Wahmberg, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Santa Clause, Gandi, Ryan Seacrest, Judi Roux, and Bruce Vilanch. Played by Zac Efron, is the son of Michael Bolocton, and inspiration for the film, White Men Can't Jump, Troy is a basketball player who secretly harbors his father's annoying lack of vocal skill, and somehow manages to attract the attention of the new girl in school, and every other teenage girl in America who is dumb enough to look into his amazingly dreamy pubs.

Gabriella Montez:Played by Vanessa Hudgens, formerly the lesbian sidekick of the warrior princess Xena, Gabi, or Gumbi, as she prefers to be called, moved to Columbine to avoid taking responsibility for any of the horrible mistakes she made in life, only to make another and fall in love with the school's mascot, a dancing cow, only to find out he was a real cow, so she settled for the school's prepubescent basketball star, Troy Bolocton.

Sharpay Evans: Daughter of the infamous Bob Evans of greasy BBQ restaurant fame, Sharpey used to be Paris Hilton's pet sharpei, before a fairy godmother granted the dog's wish to be human, so reality was altered so she could be the center of it. Around the time of Gabriella's arrival, the alignment of the planets shifted and Sharpay was no longer the center of the universe, having move 2 inches to the right

The Evans sisters showing their affection for one another.

Ryan Evans: Sharpay's twin sister, Ryan is a protege of Michael Jackson and R Kelly, and has 12 Grammy's, and 8 platinum albums, all stolen from his mentors' respective mansions. Ryan dresses like a boy however, much like Hillary Swank in Boys Don't Cry, or Steve Carrell in the 40 Year Old Virgin, and represses his uncanny beauty, until the end of the movie, when she reveals herself to actually be the incredibly beautiful and talented Nichole Richie. She killed her brother so she could assume his identity. The real Ryan Evans was killed in the opening shot of the film

Chad Danforth: The token black guy of the franchise, Chad is killed in the first three minutes of the film, when during a basketball game, he foolishly betrays his natural stereotypical talents to try and dance, which he really can't do, is fouled, and on the second shot at the free throw line, tries to break dance into a slam dunk, and brings the whole hoop down on his head, decapitating himself like that one dude in Stephen King's Carrie

Taylor Mackessie: The true star of the movie, Taylor blossoms from the beginning of the movie, as a typical science nerd, into the Promcoming Queen, with a beauty so perfect, that she turns everyone who looks at her to stone, like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct

Ryan Ross: The emo kid that gets lost while searching for Davey Havok's prom dress.

Jeffree Star: The dude that buttraped the whole cast,including Ryan Ross.

SEE ALSO: High School Musical 2

Plot[edit]

construction

The movie, directed by Disney's love child, Mel Gibson, is written and performed entirely as a silent film, with a sign language interpreter translating into Latin visual subtitles. It centers around the storybook romance of the main characters, Ms. Darbus, as played by John Travolta, and her wayward husband, Christopher Walkin, who appears in his first major motion picture after spending years as a door to door carpet salesman. They sing and dance in their backyard and get tangled in the clothesline, and have to be rushed to the hospital, forcing the movie to focus on an annoying subplot of their kids' lives.

Gabriella is working as a singer in a KTV Lounge for extra income. She sees Troy Bolton, who, after a long day at the Basketball Court, has come to the KTV Lounge to relax. He meets Gabriella, and instantly falls in love in her. They both hook up and start flirting. When Gabriella senses what is happening, she excuses herself and goes to the toilet on the false pretext of urinating. Actually, she goes to the toilet to wear a condom as she knows what will happen next. While she is at the toilet, Troy inserts some drug that makes Gabriella unconscious. When Gabriella drinks the drink, she feels groggy and tired....... Upon seeing Gabriella fall, Troy sings to himself "Start of Raping You" as he does un-talkable deeds to Gabriella....... When finally Troy ejaculates into the condom, Gabriella wakes up to the sound of fireworks set by Troy's friends to celebrare his' "conquest.

Soundtrack Listing[edit]

  1. We're All in Bed Together
  2. Breaking Free/Coming Out
  3. Start of Raping You
  4. Stick to the MySpace Hoe
  5. I Want Some Fried Chicken Reprise
  6. We Love To Sing/Hell No!
  7. Get'cha Ass Out of Bed!
  8. I Gotta Fuck It My Own Way
  9. All On One
  10. I'm not gay.....really......Bet On It
  11. Work Her Out
  12. Bop and You Better Not Stop
  13. The Rainbow Kiss (Featuring Troy and Ryan)
  14. The End


Bonus Tracks

  1. We're All A Bunch Of Negroes (Remix featuring Beyoncé and Jay-Z)
  2. This School Is Full Of Homos (Remix featuring Elton John)
  3. I can't beleive it's not spunk (Remix featuring 50 Cent)
  4. Numa Numa (featuring Gary Brolsma
  5. The Pingu theme song (featuring Pingu)
  6. THIS IS SPAAARRTAAAA!!! (featuring the cast of 300)

Injuries[edit]

There have been many reports of injury because of High School Musical. Reasons are:

1. Adults tend to ram their heads into walls and their TVs in order to end the relentless pain of watching some teenage punks who think they can sing and dance make bigger fools of themselves, you know more than they already are.

2. Sometimes the parent(s) have put their kids in cages so they can stop playing the DVD so damn much. This often results in starvation of the child and the forceful removal of the parent(s) to keep the parent(s) safe.

3. Disney has infiltrated the minds of the younger generation, so they can visit Disney world/land/whatever crap they concocted now and pay for greasy overpriced food and merchandise. They are usually more greasy than pricey.

4. Disney has been able to soak up more and more money out of the innocent populace of the world, by making sequels, soundtracks, special editions and interview crap. The government has noticed that more money is spent on these damn franchises than food in some houses. They are calling this The I WATCH CRAP SYNDROME!

All of the injuries have led to lawsuits, mercifully ending with the principal cast and film makers to be lined up against a wall and shot by Clint Eastwood, John Travolta, Samuel L. Jackson and Bruce Willis. They later concluded it was the ethical thing to do.

Cults[edit]

Many cults have been formed around High School Musical. Although they all have their own individual characteristics, all participate in campouts. At these horrible campouts they sit around a fire and sing High School Musical songs. Afterwards, they throw the troop leader into the flames and watch him/her burn, and sing more songs. After finishing the final number, the group will frequently find the nearest high school, break into it, sing another song, perform a santanic ritual to bring Walt Disney back from the dead, sing one more song with Walt and his good buddy Lucifer, and then all simultaneously turn into Disney executives hell-bent on destroying the minds of small children. Unfortunately, these songs have also turned many schools into such cults, with the main theme song for the schools "We're all in this together".

This practice is officially frowned upon by the government and various representatives from The Disney Channel, but it still continues in much of the world.

Furthermore, the leading male catfish, Troy, emphasises the importance of maritime activity though his struggle to bond with his father. Although he sings and plays basketball, his father is still frustrated, to which he cries, "But Dad, can't I be a boat? Or a sperm whale? I like sperm." This catchphrase has been utilised in the latest Australian Government scheme to recruit young males with highlighted hair to the navy. It is also seen on bumper stickers around Queensland, to cover up those stupid frangipanis everybody has suddenly defaced their cars with.


Conspiracy[edit]

[[It is said that High School Musical was written by Charles Dickens alter ego to distract the Americans from the war in Iraq. People immediately criticized this theory, saying that the style of the production was that of Condolezza Rice. They assumed it would work since most Americans have very short attention spans and randomly jump to protest at random causes - most often a different one every week. So they thought that it would cause all people to love it and forget about the war in Iraq. It worked like a dream. People who liked it obsessed over it, while people who didn't dedicated their lives to protesting and putting it down.

One of the reasons rumored to be the sole reason to the movie's sudden and overwhelming success is a subliminal message played throughout the entire movie, layered thirty-seven times, so no one would be aware. The message contained is, "Zac Efron is the man of your dreams. You want to marry him, even though his sexuality is that of David Hasselhoff, that being homosexual. You worship anything he is in or on, including movies, TV shows, albums, conditioners, and any other shit you see his face on." This message is believed to have enslaved the minds of any boy that is unfortunate enough to see it.

It is also rumored that the song We're All in This Together was meant as a means of persuading people to join the Communist Party. Lyrics such as "...we make each other strong...", "...when we work together all our dreams come true", and the obvious "...we're all in this together..." suggest that the writer, who was killed in a freak accident while mixing pure phosphorus and vodka, was in fact trying to persuade people to join him and establish him as a communist leader.]](FUCK ALGO)

High School Musical 2[edit]

Gabriella is becoming increasingly insecure and demented while Troy becomes addicted to drugs, Ryan is his dealer. When high he is able to paint the future and one ofhis pictures shows Sharpay decapitated. Ryan sees this and sets out to save her, leaving her with Troy (who has passed out due to excessive drug use). Gabriella comes loking for him. Finding him with Sharpay she decides (because of her mental dellusions) that he is cheating on her and kills them both- decapitating Sharpay just as Troy fortold. Ryan comes back and finds them dead. He tells Gabriella the truth but she does not listen and runs from the building. Ryan asks Chad and Taylor to help him find her and they seperate to do so. Gabriella hunts them down one by one, killing everyone else in the process (including the drama teacher and the girl who plays the piano). Once they are dead she goes to a cheap motel and kills herself. We're all in this together plays slowly over a blank screen. (This was scrapped and a new, lesser storyline involving a country club was used instead. The true film is only avalible on the black market and has an age rating of 21.

Sequels[edit]


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Drakedagger/High School Musical is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.