User:GlobalTourniquet

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Writer of the Month Award Writer of the Month July 2009

Foolitzer Prize Award Foolitzer Prize Winner February 2010

Feel free to type the letter "r" after this colon:rR












The artist formerly known as User:ThomasPynchonsLeftNut Globaltourniquet.png

Articles (in reverse chronological creation order)[edit]

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= featured yay

Game theory
Darrell Bluett
New York Yankees
Chicago Bears
Scott Norwood
The Reflex
Rock and roll full rewrite for CW
The Shins full rewrite for CW

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Rod Serling full rewrite for CW

Nuclear Holocaust full rewrite for CW
Baltimore Orioles

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Charlie Kaufman

Boobpedia
Transubstantiation
Wise Latina
Tampa Bay Rays rewrite for Der Unwehr
Terry Gilliam rewrite for Der Unwehr
Pandora
Alarmism

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Jim Jarmusch

UnPaid Programming:The Z-list Celebrity Rehabilitation Fund
Feral Child
Anaheim Ducks

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Plink Poo Lit Surprise: Best Article

Oscars

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Alfred Hitchcock

Paraprosdokian

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Inland Empire

Nuance
De Gustibus Non Est Disputandum
Los Angeles Angels
Hatstand
Running of the Bulls
Ingrate
Fiona Apple
Coen Brothers
Leonard Cohen
Episcopal Church
Super Bowl
Canadian Football League
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Los Angeles Clippers
The way better, completely brilliant previous version of The Mars Volta
I swear I'm going to promote a Mars-Volta-Article-Off with Guildenfuckhead and prove him wrong

The UnClassic Film Review[edit]

A new feature which, like my bowel movements, I hope to make regular.

UnNews[edit]

Part of the Michael Jackson colonization effort, Mar 2009[edit]
UnNews:Impassioned Fans Fight To Save Beloved Neverland Ranch
Part of the Al Gore colonization effort, Feb 2009[edit]
UnNews:I Was Abducted By Al Gore
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UnNews:I Am Not An Al Gore Denier - Richard "Dick" Lindzen
In other UnNews[edit]

UnNews:New immigration law cause of concern for white Arizonans
UnNews:Soccer-playing abortion doctor goes for the death-threat trifecta
UnNews:State of Mississippi finds out gays want to vote, cancels elections
UnNews:New publicity concept for gay Libertarian politicians - steal sports team logos
UnNews:Oscar night confirms rumor: Farrah Fawcett faked her death
UnNews:The New Jersey Nets May Get Fans To Come The Games Yet
UnNews:Bearded Web Guru Has Amazing Knowledge About What Obama Wants
UnNews:Canadian Women's Hockey Team Goalie Finds Innovative Ways To Pass The Time During Games
UnNews:Obligatory media sensation erupts as another tiny, snowless and/or politically troubled equatorial nation sends lone athlete to winter games
UnNews:U.S. Skier Lindsey Vonn Graces Cover Of uhhh ehhh iii mmmmmm... oh, god...
UnNews:Daft Australian judge rules against artists who have used the note C-sharp in copyright infringement case
UnNews:9-year-old boy terrorizes elementary school with two-inch rifle
UnNews:Atheist Jacksonville Jaguars' lineman rejects the divinity of Tim

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UnNews:NFL Claims Ownership of Every Word That Comes Out of Your Mouth

UnNews:Punxsutawney Phil Unable to Perform; Back-up Punxsutawney Pete Epic Fails
UnNews:SC Lieutenant Governor Bauer Taking On The Strays in Real Time
UnNews:Billy Stevens' painting ripped by fellow Kindergartener
UnNews:New Nikon Face Recognition Software Facilitates Photography of Colored Folks
UnNews:FBI Explores New Weapon Against Mob: Facebook's Mafia Wars
UnNews:Russian Space Chief Announces Operation Ass Monkey
UnNews:Aussie researcher "Gobsmacked" to discover wild octopus plotting humanity's demise
UnNews:Ohio's New "Hamlet's Law" Intended to Prevent Death-Row Conversions
UnNews:Heater Kicks in at Tiger Woods' Home Due to Comfortable Thermostat Setting
UnNews:Aliens Shut Down British UFO Sighting Reporting Unit
UnNews:Apparition Beginning To Feel Unwelcome
UnNews:Native Americans Announce They Will Discontinue Purchasing Naughty White Children
UnNews:Obama delivers state of the underworld address; Shneersh and Nairf stand at his side
UnNews:Mayan Man Will Carry On Calendar Work To Dispel 2012 Nonsense
UnNews:Measured Healthcare Reform Plan Claims Will Raise US Above Costa Rica In Rankings
UnNews:Obama Unveils Ambitious Tit Access Package
UnNews:Quentin Tarantino Wins First French Open
UnNews:Moderate Point-Moderate Counterpoint: What do we think of the stimulus package?
UnNews:Making Money In A Down Economy: Experts Offer Advice
UnNews:Controversy: Women In Prison Ordered To Take Shorter, Solo Showers
UnNews:Pridelands to be re-integrated by court order
UnNews:Feline Advocacy Group Launches Cat Grammar Initiative

HowTo[edit]

HowTo:Write Serj Tankian Lyrics featured

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HowTo:Write Good

HowTo:Get Away With Murder

UnScripts[edit]

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UnScripts:Waiting For Godot 2: Waiting With A Vengeance - Top 10 2009, yay! (Top 13 or so, really, but who's counting?)

UnMag[edit]

User:GlobalTourniquet/Mag

Horoscopes[edit]

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Weeks:

4/26/10: Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - This week, the demon on your left shoulder will finally give up, leaving only the the angel on your right shoulder and his dreadful "Don't go back to the bar" bullshit.

3/29/10: Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You will gain unprecedented insight into your own character this week when a Facebook quiz called "Which Orange Julius flavor are you?" reveals that you are "Orange".

3/15/10: Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Actually, you should describe your recurring dream as "turning into a cylinder-shaped frozen hash-brown treat", because it turns out "Tater Tot" is a registered trademark of the Ore-Ida corporation.

3/8/10: Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - It may sound like complete nonsense to you now, but chopper gleebnut pongo spap.

3/1/10: Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - You will be granted one superpower of your choosing this week. I don't want to unduly influence your choice, but trust me when I say Super-shame is not as cool as it sounds.

2/22/10: Aries (March 21 - April 19) - I urge you to make better decisions this week. I also urge you to blow me, but that's a separate issue.

2/15/10: Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week, love for you is a many-splendored shitstorm.

2/8/10: Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week, you will lugubriously turn to the baseball off-season for comfort, as though you give a shit who the Marlins' fifth starter is going to be. Ohhhh, football, come back soon!

2/1/10: Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - This week, you discover one half-second too late that the entire Republican party platform turns out to be a cook book.

1/25/10: Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Perhaps I do over-floccinaucinihilipilificate, but regarding you, it's appropriate.

1/18/10: Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - It's one thing to call yourself your city's arch enemy. But with you it just sounds pitiful because you live in St. Louis.

1/11/10: Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your "shoot the messenger" mentality will get you into trouble this week, but I don't dare tell you how.

1/04/10: Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Your word for the week is tranquility. Which means your medication for the week is tranquilizers.

12/28/09: Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week, brush up on your syllepses and against a hot stranger.

12/21/09: Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - You were born to a life of hatred and peaches. This week the peaches run out.

12/14/09: Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This week, the good news is, you will find yourself locked into a death-spiral from which you be unable to extricate yourself. The bad news is, that isn't as fun as it sounds.

12/07/09: Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You've got a lot of nerve, bragging about your myriad peripheral axons.

11/30/09: Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - How can you call yourself a Cataphract? You couldn't wield a kontos if Gallienus himself handed it to you personally along with your Lorica squamata.

11/23/09: Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Your incessant obscure high-brow references are like a Peter Greenaway film about John Kennedy Toole that never mentions the garden hose.

11/16/09: Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Your spiritual patience with the people stabbing you repeatedly in the asshole is an extraordinary example of abject humility and self-denial. You're still, however, not as pitiful as Emo pioneer Morrissey.

11/09/09: Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You are not impressing chicks with your "I let the dogs out" T-shirt. You're impressing them with your rugged good looks and large bank account.

11/02/09: Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Don't forget to join the mafia this week.

10/26/09: Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Jupiter is in your house this week, and you know what that means: that's right - another busted recliner.

10/19/09: Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You thought Fish-slap Freddy's methods were excessive, just wait until they tell Potato-to-the-balls Pete what you did.

10/12/09: Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your soul is empty and your spirit is withered. On the plus side, your dick is hard.

10/05/09: Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Lest you forget about all the shit you've been responsible for over the years, you will be whisked away this night by the ghost of bowel movements past.

9/28/09: Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This is not a good week to finish anything you

9/21/09: Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Those two hard kicks in the nuts by the demon-possessed nun on Sunday was just the beginning of a whole week filled with equally delicious delights.

9/14/09: Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - If she could, Serena Williams would shove a tennis ball down your fucking throat this week. You should feel lucky she doesn't. But don't feel threatened - she never used the word "kill".

8/3/09: Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - It's time to finally admit it to yourself. I know you've made a lot of progress, filling your iPod with the likes of Jeff Buckley, Sigur Ros and The Shins, but you need to take it to the next level now and finally admit that Rush sucks, and always has.

7/13/09: Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Glowing balls of energy orbit your spirit in the supernatural realm. This sounds nice and uplifting and motivating and all, but it actually only makes it easy for the ghosts of old dead enemies to find you and haunt you.

6/29/09: Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your life is an open book. In a bonfire. Surrounded by jeering Christians who believe they are doing the Lord's work.

6/15/09: Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - When you can snatch the pebble from my hand, you will be ready. You should probably untie that rope from your balls first, though.

6/8/09: Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Speedometer Christ has your machine blowing horse bundles into the president's crotch. Also, don't forget to turn on your surrealism interpretation machine.

4/6/09: Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You will be livid when they take away your television. You will be outraged when they take away your radio. You will be incensed when they take away your computer. Then, to top it all off, you will be... uh... really angry when they take away your thesaurus.

3/30/09: Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - The good news is, two girls will be coming over this weekend for some fun. The bad news is they're bringing one cup.

3/23/09: Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Savor with simple glee all of the good things life has to offer this week - the golden rays of sunshine, the delightful tunes of the morning bird's songs, and the melodious crash and tinkle sounds of the windshield against your nasal bone.

3/9/09: Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - With Saturn approaching your house this week, use Wikipedia sparingly. You know what? Use it sparingly anyway, regardless of wherever the fuck Saturn happens to be. It's a garbage dump as information sources go.

3/2/09: Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Try to balance your need for attention with a clear concept of "acceptably bad" this week. There is a fine line between "fun" and "disgusting" public vomiting.

2/16/09: Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Be sure to bring your camera when you go on that excursion to the Cascades. Your "true love waits" stance will get challenged this week when you encounter the elusive Sasquatch.

Wannados[edit]

I want to do these one day if I ever get a good idea for them. NOTE: I list these here so someone else can steal my thunder. I hate my thunder, and I wish someone would just take it.

Article Comment
Oakland Raiders Fish in a barrel? Actually that might be funny - The Oakland Fish In A Barrel, and the article relentlessly attacks the obvious (ahem - they suck and Al Davis is loonier than Fiona Apple)

Fixer-uppers[edit]

Finally, here is a list of crap to half-crap articles that, unless someone stops me, I will one day stick the business to, if you know what I mean:

Article Status Comment
crap

Don't look here[edit]

This is just for my convenience - stuff I'm working on, or not.

User:ThomasPynchonsLeftNut/Girl Scout Cookies User:GlobalTourniquet/Ben Affleck User:GlobalTourniquet/Eugene Ionesco

AAN.jpg This user has been abandoned by Electrified mocha chinchilla, and is now a Feral Child being raised by wolves.
IC This user is a member of Imperial Colonization.