User:GlobalTourniquet/Astrology

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Astrology: the art of blaming your social ineptitude on fancy golden circles with mystical-looking icons.

Astrology is a system used by women and homosexual men to blame their actions, personalities and behaviors on the sun's apparent path across the sky over the course of a year. This path, called the eclpitic, traverses[1] a ring of constellations, which are essentially poorly designed celestial connect-the-dots puzzles made of stars.

Despite the fact that you can't see the stars behind the sun, the particular connect-the-dots puzzle that the sun appeared to be passing through on the day you were born (your star sign) determines not only your personality but the way you ought to behave on any given week or day[2] (your horoscope).

Generally speaking, straight men are immune to the effects of astrology. This is either due to their inability to understand emotion on any level, or due to their superior intelligence.

Scientific merits of astrology[edit]

There is some disagreement among scholars regarding the actual scientific merits of astrology. However, as a whole, the discipline of astrology involves the careful study of an extremely complex combination of planetary arrangements, star charts, orbital mappings and other sophisticated astronomical events, measurements and properties, requiring a grasp of celestial scholarship far beyond that of the average horoscope reader, so it must be scientifical.

The following demonstration should dispel any doubts one may have about its undeniable accuracy. Hover your mouse pointer over your star sign. A brief description of your character will appear, which you will find describes you perfectly. Further proof of astrology's unquestionable accuracy should not be necessary.

This is a depiction of the ecliptic path, containing the twelve signs of the Zodiac. I mean, look at all of these lines and spacey charts and sciencey details you have to know to understand astrology. You'd have to be a clueless dumb-ass to claim that it isn't a science.
Aries
You are fun-loving and outgoing, although you do tend to require plenty of "me time", and when you don't get it, you may react. On the down side, you often make poor choices, especially in the area of the friendships and romance. This has resulted in a lot of emotional pain from inappropriate relationships. However, it has not discouraged you from seeking close, true friends, and there are a select few that you stick with no matter what. You usually maintain a quiet self-confidence, and you are able to stand up for yourself when necessary. You have surprised people with your assertiveness on some important occasions. You are a very good friend, honest and straight-forward, though tactful in your honesty. Although for the most part people find you agreeable, there are some people in your life whom you rub the wrong way no matter what you do - but you are always strong enough to let those people go. Although it's a relatively positive sign all in all, Aries can still fall into mild to severe depression, so be on your guard - surround yourself with supportive people and never allow the trials and uncertainty of daily life rob you of happiness.
Taurus
You are fun-loving and outgoing, although you do tend to require plenty of "me time", and when you don't get it, you may react. On the down side, you often make poor choices, especially in the area of the friendships and romance. This has resulted in a lot of emotional pain from inappropriate relationships. However, it has not discouraged you from seeking close, true friends, and there are a select few that you stick with no matter what. You usually maintain a quiet self-confidence, and you are able to stand up for yourself when necessary. You have surprised people with your assertiveness on some important occasions. You are a very good friend, honest and straight-forward, though tactful in your honesty. Although for the most part people find you agreeable, there are some people in your life whom you rub the wrong way no matter what you do - but you are always strong enough to let those people go. Although it's a relatively positive sign all in all, Taurus can still fall into mild to severe depression, so be on your guard - surround yourself with supportive people and never allow the trials and uncertainty of daily life rob you of happiness.
Gemini
You are fun-loving and outgoing, although you do tend to require plenty of "me time", and when you don't get it, you may react. On the down side, you often make poor choices, especially in the area of the friendships and romance. This has resulted in a lot of emotional pain from inappropriate relationships. However, it has not discouraged you from seeking close, true friends, and there are a select few that you stick with no matter what. You usually maintain a quiet self-confidence, and you are able to stand up for yourself when necessary. You have surprised people with your assertiveness on some important occasions. You are a very good friend, honest and straight-forward, though tactful in your honesty. Although for the most part people find you agreeable, there are some people in your life whom you rub the wrong way no matter what you do - but you are always strong enough to let those people go. Although it's a relatively positive sign all in all, Gemini can still fall into mild to severe depression, so be on your guard - surround yourself with supportive people and never allow the trials and uncertainty of daily life rob you of happiness.
Cancer
You are fun-loving and outgoing, although you do tend to require plenty of "me time", and when you don't get it, you may react. On the down side, you often make poor choices, especially in the area of the friendships and romance. This has resulted in a lot of emotional pain from inappropriate relationships. However, it has not discouraged you from seeking close, true friends, and there are a select few that you stick with no matter what. You usually maintain a quiet self-confidence, and you are able to stand up for yourself when necessary. You have surprised people with your assertiveness on some important occasions. You are a very good friend, honest and straight-forward, though tactful in your honesty. Although for the most part people find you agreeable, there are some people in your life whom you rub the wrong way no matter what you do - but you are always strong enough to let those people go. Although it's a relatively positive sign all in all, Cancer can still fall into mild to severe depression, so be on your guard - surround yourself with supportive people and never allow the trials and uncertainty of daily life rob you of happiness.
Leo
You are fun-loving and outgoing, although you do tend to require plenty of "me time", and when you don't get it, you may react. On the down side, you often make poor choices, especially in the area of the friendships and romance. This has resulted in a lot of emotional pain from inappropriate relationships. However, it has not discouraged you from seeking close, true friends, and there are a select few that you stick with no matter what. You usually maintain a quiet self-confidence, and you are able to stand up for yourself when necessary. You have surprised people with your assertiveness on some important occasions. You are a very good friend, honest and straight-forward, though tactful in your honesty. Although for the most part people find you agreeable, there are some people in your life whom you rub the wrong way no matter what you do - but you are always strong enough to let those people go. Although it's a relatively positive sign all in all, Leo can still fall into mild to severe depression, so be on your guard - surround yourself with supportive people and never allow the trials and uncertainty of daily life rob you of happiness.
Virgo
You are fun-loving and outgoing, although you do tend to require plenty of "me time", and when you don't get it, you may react. On the down side, you often make poor choices, especially in the area of the friendships and romance. This has resulted in a lot of emotional pain from inappropriate relationships. However, it has not discouraged you from seeking close, true friends, and there are a select few that you stick with no matter what. You usually maintain a quiet self-confidence, and you are able to stand up for yourself when necessary. You have surprised people with your assertiveness on some important occasions. You are a very good friend, honest and straight-forward, though tactful in your honesty. Although for the most part people find you agreeable, there are some people in your life whom you rub the wrong way no matter what you do - but you are always strong enough to let those people go. Although it's a relatively positive sign all in all, Virgo can still fall into mild to severe depression, so be on your guard - surround yourself with supportive people and never allow the trials and uncertainty of daily life rob you of happiness.
Libra
You are fun-loving and outgoing, although you do tend to require plenty of "me time", and when you don't get it, you may react. On the down side, you often make poor choices, especially in the area of the friendships and romance. This has resulted in a lot of emotional pain from inappropriate relationships. However, it has not discouraged you from seeking close, true friends, and there are a select few that you stick with no matter what. You usually maintain a quiet self-confidence, and you are able to stand up for yourself when necessary. You have surprised people with your assertiveness on some important occasions. You are a very good friend, honest and straight-forward, though tactful in your honesty. Although for the most part people find you agreeable, there are some people in your life whom you rub the wrong way no matter what you do - but you are always strong enough to let those people go. Although it's a relatively positive sign all in all, Libra can still fall into mild to severe depression, so be on your guard - surround yourself with supportive people and never allow the trials and uncertainty of daily life rob you of happiness.
Scorpio
You are fun-loving and outgoing, although you do tend to require plenty of "me time", and when you don't get it, you may react. On the down side, you often make poor choices, especially in the area of the friendships and romance. This has resulted in a lot of emotional pain from inappropriate relationships. However, it has not discouraged you from seeking close, true friends, and there are a select few that you stick with no matter what. You usually maintain a quiet self-confidence, and you are able to stand up for yourself when necessary. You have surprised people with your assertiveness on some important occasions. You are a very good friend, honest and straight-forward, though tactful in your honesty. Although for the most part people find you agreeable, there are some people in your life whom you rub the wrong way no matter what you do - but you are always strong enough to let those people go. Although it's a relatively positive sign all in all, Scorpio can still fall into mild to severe depression, so be on your guard - surround yourself with supportive people and never allow the trials and uncertainty of daily life rob you of happiness.
Sagittarius
You are fun-loving and outgoing, although you do tend to require plenty of "me time", and when you don't get it, you may react. On the down side, you often make poor choices, especially in the area of the friendships and romance. This has resulted in a lot of emotional pain from inappropriate relationships. However, it has not discouraged you from seeking close, true friends, and there are a select few that you stick with no matter what. You usually maintain a quiet self-confidence, and you are able to stand up for yourself when necessary. You have surprised people with your assertiveness on some important occasions. You are a very good friend, honest and straight-forward, though tactful in your honesty. Although for the most part people find you agreeable, there are some people in your life whom you rub the wrong way no matter what you do - but you are always strong enough to let those people go. Although it's a relatively positive sign all in all, Sagittarius can still fall into mild to severe depression, so be on your guard - surround yourself with supportive people and never allow the trials and uncertainty of daily life rob you of happiness.
Capricorn
You are fun-loving and outgoing, although you do tend to require plenty of "me time", and when you don't get it, you may react. On the down side, you often make poor choices, especially in the area of the friendships and romance. This has resulted in a lot of emotional pain from inappropriate relationships. However, it has not discouraged you from seeking close, true friends, and there are a select few that you stick with no matter what. You usually maintain a quiet self-confidence, and you are able to stand up for yourself when necessary. You have surprised people with your assertiveness on some important occasions. You are a very good friend, honest and straight-forward, though tactful in your honesty. Although for the most part people find you agreeable, there are some people in your life whom you rub the wrong way no matter what you do - but you are always strong enough to let those people go. Although it's a relatively positive sign all in all, Capricorn can still fall into mild to severe depression, so be on your guard - surround yourself with supportive people and never allow the trials and uncertainty of daily life rob you of happiness.
Aquarius
You are fun-loving and outgoing, although you do tend to require plenty of "me time", and when you don't get it, you may react. On the down side, you often make poor choices, especially in the area of the friendships and romance. This has resulted in a lot of emotional pain from inappropriate relationships. However, it has not discouraged you from seeking close, true friends, and there are a select few that you stick with no matter what. You usually maintain a quiet self-confidence, and you are able to stand up for yourself when necessary. You have surprised people with your assertiveness on some important occasions. You are a very good friend, honest and straight-forward, though tactful in your honesty. Although for the most part people find you agreeable, there are some people in your life whom you rub the wrong way no matter what you do - but you are always strong enough to let those people go. Although it's a relatively positive sign all in all, Aquarius can still fall into mild to severe depression, so be on your guard - surround yourself with supportive people and never allow the trials and uncertainty of daily life rob you of happiness.
Pisces
You are fun-loving and outgoing, although you do tend to require plenty of "me time", and when you don't get it, you may react. On the down side, you often make poor choices, especially in the area of the friendships and romance. This has resulted in a lot of emotional pain from inappropriate relationships. However, it has not discouraged you from seeking close, true friends, and there are a select few that you stick with no matter what. You usually maintain a quiet self-confidence, and you are able to stand up for yourself when necessary. You have surprised people with your assertiveness on some important occasions. You are a very good friend, honest and straight-forward, though tactful in your honesty. Although for the most part people find you agreeable, there are some people in your life whom you rub the wrong way no matter what you do - but you are always strong enough to let those people go. Although it's a relatively positive sign all in all, Pisces can still fall into mild to severe depression, so be on your guard - surround yourself with supportive people and never allow the trials and uncertainty of daily life rob you of happiness.

Signs of the Zodiac[edit]

At the core of the discipline of astrology is the cycle of constellations known as the Zodiac. It is clearly not by chance that the ecliptic passes through these twelve constellations in precise correlation to the months of the year, give or take a week or two, further supporting the authenticity of astrological scholarship.

The constellations, or signs, are listed below, in order from the ecliptic origin, which is defined as the position of the sun at vernal equinox[3]. The above brief character descriptions will suffice for the casual astrology observer. What follows in this section are detailed accounts of the behavior and [[character[[ of the bearers of the various star signs, and is intended for the hard-core astrologer who wished to make a living telling people how they feel.

Aries[edit]

Aries, the Ram

22 March - 20 April

Aries are independent and hold most people in contempt. You have a quick fiery temper and are impatient and scornful of advice. Your arrogance knows no bounds. You think there are only two ways to do anything - your way and the wrong way. When it comes to relationships and commitment you are still looking for a meaningful one-night stand. You are not as tall as you say you are. Other than that, you have no redeeming social value.

Aries, the RAM: for all your faults, you have good memory.

Personality[edit]

You are over-confident, until your fragile little bubble is popped, then you will cry like a fucking baby. You have no staying power, no stamina for a fight, no resistance and no reserves. You are weak and would rather bribe your way out of any trouble. In any real risky situation you lead from the back. Once the excitement and danger is over you will become very vocal about your achievements and success - your great bravery, how you saved the day at the last moment; all of it, of course, complete fiction.

You are unbelievably competitive. You will do anything to win, including trickery, fraud, lying and good old-fashioned cheating. This applies to any situation - relationships, business, love and friendships. You are a lazy, self-indulgent, corrupt bloodsucker. But your worst qualities negate even these strengths.

Romance[edit]

Love for you is an erupting volcano that spews destruction on all that it comes in contact with, scorching hearts, eyes, clothes, skin and souls, covering everything with dreary ash when the fire dies. You are completely unreliable in love, swearing undying devotion to your lover while seducing her sister, her sister's husband, or both.

Your ideal lover is a Capricorn. A clueless Capricorn.

Business[edit]

You have the business sense of Daffy Duck. Anyone who takes the risk of relying on you for anything at all will quickly discover that you have no soul. This has resulted in your homelessness and poverty. Of course.

Taurus[edit]

Taurus, the Bull

21 April - 21 May

Tauruses like to portray themselves as epicureans - refined connoisseurs of fine food and drink. This is just a cover, however; in reality you're just a glutton and a drunkard. For some reason, you like to pretend you have black friends, but you don't. Even if you are black. In fact, you like to pretend a lot of things - for instance, you like pretending to be smart, attractive, socially adept, and not completely off your rocker.

Taurus, the Bull: You are ugly, but practical. At some point, half the people in America have had you.

Personality[edit]

Although you appear kind and generous, in reality you have horns and spikes, and an impressive array of deadly weapons. You are like an oak tree; unmovable - well, unable to move, actually - easily struck down in storms, big, ugly, strong and stupid. You feel threatened a lot. You tend to barricade yourself in your home and shout epithets at the federal government. Fear is your guiding force.

If anyone ever makes the mistake of asking you what you think about something, you will drone on endlessly, relentlessly, and excruciatingly. You are slow and cowardly, and you have too many books.

Romance[edit]

You avoid falling in love, which is handy because no one could ever possibly love you, you drunk, fat, miserly bull. If you ever do fall in love, I pity the person, I really do. You will stifle them, lock them away, suffocate them, then try to impress them with cheap-ass gifts. In an effort to trap the unfortunate victim of your so-called "love", or more correctly "death-grip", you will have an unreasonable amount of children.

What you lack in finesse, charm, and grace, you more than make up for in exaggerated, theatrical histrionics. A clumsy oaf immune to subtlety and poise, your flirting has occasionally led to broken bones. You usually have to try hard not to stomp on people when you find out that they will never sleep with you for being so repulsive.

Your ideal lover is a Pisces, if you can find one sufficiently self-hating, that is.

Business[edit]

Once a business deal is struck you will stick to it through thick and thin, no matter how nonsensical it is, and it usually is - you will make certain of that. Despite all of these awful qualities, you are unflinchingly loyal, and this is your most pitiful weakness.

There are many reasons you are nearly unemployable, not the least of which are your unbearable eye for detail, your relentless rule-abiding conscience, and your complete inability to avoid work.

Gemini[edit]

Gemini, the Twins

22 May - 21 June

For Geminis, life is all just a wild game. With your "give a fuck" permanently broken, you care little who lives, who dies, who wins or who loses. As long as it isn't you. As soon as it happens to you, then you become a whiny, self-absorbed little bitch with no concern whatsoever for anyone else. You will steal, lie and cheat, and then either justify it with some bizarre philosophy that makes no sense, or failing that, you will simply forget that you ever did it. You have no morals, no ethics and no concern for social standards. Any time, anywhere, you will fuck anything that moves, that is if you happen to care to so limit yourself. Indeed, you are quite possibly the greatest star sign in the cycle.

Gemini, the Twins: You and your hot twin are usually naked.

Personality[edit]

Although you have no values, you do maintain an elitist respect for high-mindedness, treachery, cunning and deceit. You enjoy intelligent conversation, particularly if the subject is you. With two of you for each one of you, you enjoy holding diametrically opposing viewpoints, and you can convincingly argue for them both in the same sentence. You have the uncanny ability to bore anyone to death with your rational arguments, regardless of their position. You mistakenly believe that your double-mindedness makes you charming, attractive and alluring, when in fact it's your stunning good looks that make you charming, attractive and alluring.

You are never finished planning your next unfinished project, which you will start the day after tomorrow, provided another idea doesn't strike you before that and restart the whole devise/plan/fail-to-execute process all over, which it usually does.

Romance[edit]

Romance - no. No such thing. For you, romance is an insult you apply to bad novels and movies. Sex, on the other hand,[4] is your favorite toy. This does not mean you will not seek a long-term relationship. In fact, you are always looking for someone whose feelings you can ignore for the rest of your life. It just means you will never actually find anyone stupid enough to trust your lying, two-timing, rotten, heartless ass. You have never read a single book about relationships, for fear it would take up all of your valuable extramarital affair time.

Your ideal lover is yourself.

Business[edit]

Given your two-faced, backstabbing charm, you should have been a lawyer. But of course you never finish anything you start, so there was never any chance of that.

If you are not in sales, then you are an aspiring artist, writer or musician that has never finished a single work, and you are barely able to survive on your minimal salary barely doing something you hate just because you are good at it. If you are in sales, you are rich. It's as simple as that. You can sell cars, toasters, carpets, ice cube melters - anything to anybody, anytime, anywhere.

In business you are happy as long as you can talk. Of course, all of it is pure gibberish, but it sounds good, and weaker people will agree with you just to look smart. You have no qualifications for the job you do - in fact, you probably picked it from a hat and then talked your way into it. Your favorite outfit is the emperor's new clothes, and not just because you like to be naked.[5]

Cancer[edit]

Cancer, the Crab

22 June - 22 July

Cancers have no life of their own, so you love to hear about other people's problems - and you are delusional enough to think you might be of some help. But having had no real experiences of your own, you aren't. You keep a tidy home, but this isn't because you are a great homemaker, no. It's just that you are so intimidated by the real world that you never go out your front door. A dark, lonely, brooding homebody, you will get fat no matter what you eat.

Cancer, the Crab: Life's rough, then you die.

Personality[edit]

In a word, not much.[6]

Your idea of a good night out is a dinner party - at your own house. Alone. Despite your evasive claim to being "home-loving", you are actually clinically agoraphobic. Your sign is the crab, and slinking away sideways from any vaguely threatening situation is your greatest accomplishment in life. You are a self-pitying, weak, pathetic, emotional wet rag. But enough about your bearable qualities.

Your view of yourself is overly optimistic, and in reality you are just covering up the wretchedness of your character. You claim to be intuitive; actually, you spy on people. You say you are protective, but really, you're smothering. You say you are cautious; actually, you're a frightened little pipsqueak. You call yourself a sympathetic listener, when really you're just a gossip-hound. You say you are imaginative; the truth is, you simply have no sense of reality. Also, your home has too much velvet in it.

Romance[edit]

In order to find a mate, you will badly misrepresent yourself.[7] And if you do somehow manage to find someone who can bear your pathological lying, you will hold them fast in your clutches, and you won't even care that it's against their will. And trust me, it will be.

Of course, as is usually the case with your various sociopathic ways, you put your idiotic "positive spin" on it, saying it just means you're a devoted lover. And you know what, I tire of trying to convince you that you suck. You are likely to die soon anyway. Did you know most serial killers are Cancers? Fact. Deal with it.

Your ideal lover is in big trouble.

Business[edit]

For all your wretchedness, you are a good worker, if you are given plenty of direction, you are coddled like a delicate little flower, and your tasks entail little more than moving things from one folder to another. If by some sick, twisted manipulation of the Peter Principle you do end up in a management position, you will be unbearable: bossy, intransigent and self-serving.

You will never be fired, however, because clueless, unambitious, unassuming, unthreatening people like you are rare in the workplace.

Leo[edit]

Leo, the Lion

23 July - 23 August

Leos are egotistical dicks. You think the entire universe revolves around you, and anyone not with your program needs to step aside or get squashed. You are full of yourself, miserly, impatient, unforgiving, racist and rude - and the odd thing is, it's all part of your charm. With all of these rotten qualities, you actually attract a large following of sycophants from the masses of idiots that populate our planet, and this entourage of drooling admirers only further over-inflates your ego. Despite the admiration of all of your followers, however, you are still a lazy, good-for-nothing asshole with nothing good to say about anybody. Also, you wear too much make-up. Male or female.

Leo, the Lion: Just like a lion, you are courageous, brave and strong. Hello. Leo? I said, courageous, brave, and... oh, nevermind.

Personality[edit]

You like to think that you are at your best as the center of attention. Unfortunately for the rest of us, this invariably draws you to straight the Karaoke microphone despite your complete tone-deafness. Of course, when it's time to pay the bill, you are nowhere in sight. You bring cheap white wine to the party and drink the good red. And you drink far too much. You love to tell everyone else what to think.[8] You are bossy, dogmatic, opinionated and conceited, and your opinions are always either dead wrong or rooted in a great evil purpose.

Eventually you will get old and never see any of your self-centered, conceited ways do you a bit of good. You will then become bitter and cantankerous, constantly yelling at kids to get off of your lawn. Also, your teeth will be yellow from too much cigarettes and coffee.

Romance[edit]

With your inflated ego, you are destined to wallow in the deepest of love's torturous despair. But you will bring it on yourself with all of your criticizing, belittling and arguing, and you don't even have any skill at poetry or art that you might use to channel the pain. You fall in love with the most horribly unsuitable emotional cripples, and then you proceed to whine about how they are too young, too old, too tall, too poor, already married, wrong gender, or from the wrong planet.

You are constantly seeking a knight in shining armor to rescue you from your romantic despair, but the problem is, when they do finally arrive, all you can do is criticize them for wearing the wrong color armor, or for not shining the armor well enough, or for riding the horse all wrong, or for any other minor fault you might nitpick them for.

You might as well face the fact that you are never going to find love, so it matters not at all what your ideal lover actually is.

Business[edit]

Like the lion that you are named after, you are fat, indolent, cowardly and lazy. You call yourself the King of the Jungle at work, but the reality is you are lousy at business. Oh, you have a long list of opinions about how things ought to be done better, and a folder full of nefarious get-ahead schemes, as well as the support of your inferiors to actually get it all done. But since your ethics fail at every turn, your schemes are all destined to fail miserably. Not because of bad karma, mind you - simply because great evil schemes like yours require a much higher skill level to successfully execute than you could ever manage.

Even so, in business, as in everything else, you like to be in control. And you don't care that everything around you will fall to pieces. You just blame your blind followers for the failure, and they are always dumb enough to take the blame for you.

Virgo[edit]

Virgo, the Virgin

24 August - 22 September

Virgo's need for cleanliness and order is epic. You are highly methodical, excessively neat, unbearably tidy, and organized. You color-code everything and make endless lists - you even have a list of all your lists. Since you have no emotions, you could very well be replaced by a machine. In short, you are no fun at all. You have organized data going back for centuries that could solve multiple unsolved crimes, from Jack the Ripper to Tupac, but no one will ever ask you for it because they refuse to deal with your unbearable OCD.

Virgo, the Virgin: You are innocent and pure. Riiiight.

Personality[edit]

You are a fussy hypochondriac. If you ever do entertain guests, you spray them in the face with Lysol before they set foot in the door. In old age you will have too many cats.

Romance[edit]

If you are under 20 years old, you are a virgin. But this is not because you are ugly or repulsive, nor is it because the sign is the Virgin. It is because you are a dreadful bore and you only dress in gray. Drab as they are, however, your clothes are always impeccably neat and clean, despite the fact that you have nobody to impress. You are very attractive, but your delicate beauty and refinement is more than made up for by your obsessive-compulsive nitpicking. Sex for you is a filthy affair better done in darkness.

Your ideal lover is Martha Stewart.

Business[edit]

You are very business savvy, excellent at keeping affairs in perfect order. The problem is you can't hold a job because no one can stand your incessant perfectionism.

Libra[edit]

Libra, the Scales

23 September - 23 October

Librans think of themselves as balanced and able to weigh up both sides - in actual fact they are ditherers with no real opinions or beliefs. They think they are quite artistic, but most people see them as wishy-washy and indecisive with no grip on reality. Quite right too. They are cowardly and incapable of standing up to anyone or anything. They would make a good professional yes-person. They have a weakness for all things sweet and sickly. They eat too many tea cakes.

Libra, the Scales: Yes, you're fat. You don't need astrology to tell you that, do you?

Personality

If wall paper had opinions then Libra would steal them. They don't have a single original idea of their own. They will claim original ideas as their own. But they're not. Not really. They are also very gullible, so you can implant false opinions in them and then stand back and watch the fun as they set out to convince everyone that what they say is true.

They see a challenging job as being an actor or dancer - one-man band would be a little taxing for them. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying your typical Libra is shallow, but a sheet of paper has more depth than they do. They are frivolous, changeable, superficial and idealistic. The idea of 3D has never entered their pretty little heads. They are terribly petty and they spend far too much time decorating their home.

Libra in Love

They are complete lounge lizards and will cheerfully secure, love, and leave any willing victim who crosses their path. A Libran would do anything, or anyone, who would give them house room. If you should be so unfortunate - or shallow enough - to fall in love with a Libra, then you will spend a lot of time waiting for them to come home; they'll be off making goo-goo eyes at someone else. They have the morals of a rat and the ethics of a guttersnipe.

Anything as strong as love leaves them out in the cold - they don't experience it because it is too deep for them. Mind you some puddles are too deep for them as well.

Libra in Business

Ha! There's an oxymoron if I ever heard one - Libra in business. Libra in sloth, Libra in laziness, Libra in indolence, that sounds more like it. They have all the aptitude and capacity for work, and earning money as a chimp has for typing Shakespeare. They have no smart clothes. Nuff said.

Scorpio[edit]

Scorpio, the Scorpion

24 October - 22 November

Scorpios are disruptive and cruel - and they like it that way. They spent their childhood pulling the wings off flies and now they feel hampered and restricted because they can't do it as an adult. So they just go out of their way to irritate everyone around them. They like offending people and have no social graces whatsoever. They may well end up being assassinated. They are very argumentative.

Scorpio, the Scorpion: Yeah, and you wonder why you have no friends. Dork.

Personality

They have lots and lots of really powerful emotions. Ones which would tear us apart. Scorpio instead thrives on them - they are all feelings of murder. Scorpio is a magnet for weak and unstable people. They collect weirdos, oddballs, wackoes and loonies - anyone they can control, torture, inflict pain on and generally abuse.

If you want a spy or an assassin, or an industrial espionage expert, then get yourself one of these. They won't let you down. They can steal, kill, pillage and all with a smile on their face. They like to be seen as rebellious, debonair and suave. They are simply unpleasant and cruel. Prisons are full of Scorpios. They don't like to be bored. If they are allowed to get bored then they can become quite spiteful. Out of this spitefulness comes a truly unpleasant and sadistic nature that revels in preying on the weak, the vulnerable and the defenceless - they like to inflict pain on helpless little creatures. Unfortunately, that means the rest of us.

They will dress well and always have exquisitely polished shoes to do their kicking with. They furnish their homes with too much red and black. They like to think this looks contemporary and cool. Instead it looks sinister and macabre. Don't tell them this, they would think that was cool. They are not good team players - too much resentment, and jealousy. Better to let them run their own business, however dubious that may be.

Scorpio in Love

Look, I don't want to be unpleasant but Scorpio in love is something I don't want to think about, let alone write about. It is simply too dark, too dirty, too close to the knuckle. They don't have the same respect for the law as the rest of us and will happily commit every sexual taboo going, and a few that haven't been invented yet.

I'm not sure they are capable of falling in love. Falling in lust, yes, but love? I don't think so. To fall in love you need a heart. They have a lump of ice there instead. Think James Bond here. Would he fall in love? Of course not. He'd have sex and then shoot them. That's the perfect love affair for a Scorpio. Dark, dangerous, mad, and sadistic. If you run into a Scorpio Pirate, with a hook for a hand, be sure he'll still pleasure himself if he has to. With the HOOK!

As for what goes on in a Scorpio bedroom, I don't want to know. You go there but don't tell me.

Scorpio in Business

Scorpios are passionate people and like their work to reflect this. If they do have a normal job it will be one where they can work in the background and still be the star - a research scientist or an inventor. Just don't expect them to invent or discover anything that benefits mankind.

If they have a career, and frankly they would rather inherit their wealth - then they do well in any field that involves secrets - a psychiatrist, a detective (think Sherlock Holmes), or even an undertaker. They do the dark and unsavoury jobs none of the rest of us would want to.

Sagittarius[edit]

Sagittarius, the Archer

23 November - 21 December

Sagittarians have no real talent or skills and survive purely on gut instinct and luck. They are a status-seeking snob with a reckless risk-taking approach to life - which seems to pay off, for the moment (but their day is coming). They really care what other people think of them - how pathetic. They love travel, but it's really only running away for them, isn't it? Anything to avoid an honest day's work.

Sagittarius, the Centaur Archer: You will always be your mommy's little Sagittarius, even if you never learn how to fucking spell it.

Personality

The symbol of Sagittarius is a centaur firing a bow and arrow - strange or what? Half-human, half-horse, with six limbs. And what are they shooting at? No one knows, no one cares. Actually they are a bit ordinary and the only thing extraordinary about them is that they have this silly symbol. Yes, that's it. A silly symbol and they dine out on that.

The truth is, they don't have much of a personality. They are a bit like cotton wool. You know it's there. You know it has a purpose. But that's about it. You couldn't have a conversation with cotton wool could you? Or a meaningful relationship. Or give it a job.

They always think they have some hidden talent. They end up blaming everyone else for not being discovered. It never occurs to them that we looked under their rock and deemed them talentless and undiscoverable - we passed them by. There are two types of Sags, the quiet depressed hermit-type and the pompous, knowledgeable, know-it-all type. They love hanging out in big gatherings where they think they're the centre of attention. They actually blend rather nicely into the wallpaper.

Sagittarius in Love

A Sagittarius don't touch much. They do, however, like to be touched, a lot. Perhaps because they are a little touched in the head? Their idea of romance is to send their lover a postcard from some exotic place they have fled to. They often travel alone because no one else will go with them.

Sagittarius in Business

They think they work hard because they spend so much time locked up in their own heads, but in the meantime they haven't actually lifted a finger. If they do have a job they'll find a million ways to shirk their duties. They usually come up with a good line in fictitious illnesses, aches and pains, and unprovable headaches. They phone in sick so often their employer forgets they were ever employed in the first place. They are simply monstrously lazy.

Capricorn[edit]

Capricorn, the Sea Goat

22 December - 20 January

One day a Capricorn will take a risk and the world will stop in shock. They are cool to the point of frozen; self-possessed to the point of wooden; and skeptical to the point of not even believing in themselves. They are the old-fashioned type - stuck in another era, another time warp. They are staid and boring, tight-fisted and mean. They have no true emotions. They have no real sex life.

Capricorn, the Sea Goat: Be careful. That's "Sea Goat". Not the other way around...

Personality

Capricorn is the sign of the goat - wild, capricious and at home on the mountainside. Rubbish. Capricorn is really the sign of the crocodile - dangerous, predatory and mean. They are a cold-blooded reptile - ambitious, ruthless, determined and cunning if they haven't exposed themselves already as the lamest knife in your back. In their thinking they have all the flexibility of a steel rod - you try getting one to change their mind. They are a fixed sign - fixed in thought, word and deed. They do nothing spontaneously. If it hasn't been diaried then they won't do it. They do like order - in fact they make the Virgo seem positively reckless and messy. They are supposed to have a very dry sense of humour. Never seen a sign of it myself. They are miserly, dour, pessimistic and a bit of a wet blanket. They are fastidious about germs - Howard Hughes was a Capricorn, no surprises there then.

Capricorn in Love

What a depressing thought. A goat in love. How very sad. They have all the passion of two people watching TV. They like to sit on sofas drinking tea. They like slippers. You would think they were shy seeing as how tongue-tied they seem, unable to speak in the presence of the opposite sex, looking at the floor, all that shuffling from foot to foot. But shy they are not. They are just so robotic that they don't have emotional responses. That's why they try to appear shy, it's a cover up for the fact that they don't know how to be, or how to act when confronted with emotion.

They don't do romance or trivia or small-talk or baby-talk or endearments. They do serious. They do ponderous. They do weighty. Falling in love with one of these is a bit like falling in love with a rhinoceros - heavy, grey...and horny. Read horny as boring in most cases.

Capricorn in Business

Plod, plod, plod. That's a Capricorn thinking out loud. They make great bankers, and can be found lurking in the basements of big grey buildings, working on their numbers. Give them a task and they'll relentlessly trawl their way through it until it is done. Give them a challenge or an idea or a new thing and they'll be hopelessly lost. This is not the brightest button in the box. This is not the sharpest of knives in the kitchen drawer. Sure they can follow an instruction manual - they're brilliant at putting flat pack furniture together or making models - but they do get a bit lost if you ask them to think for themselves. Now I'm not saying they're stupid - far from it - but a bit slow? Yes, that's it. A bit slow. You can, however, trust them, they don't have the wits to steal from you.

Aquarius[edit]

Aquarius, the Water Bearer

21 January - 19 February

Aquarians really ought to care a little more about who they sleep with - especially in this day and age. They are laid-back, organized and cool - these are also the attributes of any good confidence trickster. They never appear to do any work but they always have plenty of money - they must be sponging off someone. They are lazy and indulgent. They could try repaying some of their debts some time. They hate cuddly toys.

Aquarius, the Water-bearer: Your life is torture.

Personality

The most stubborn sign in the zodiak, willing to go to the gallows rather than admit they were wrong, lose face, back down, or compromize. They make a stand about things we'd consider trivial. Again and again the word barking crops up whenever anyone is describing this most unorthodox of signs. And barking is what they are. They may look pretty normal but inside there is an alien's brain. They make good Zen monks as they already march to the sound of one hand clapping. They are stoic and feel no pain. They look down on anyone who does. They are driven, determined, ruthless zealots and fanatics. They are, in fact, quite utterly insane.

Leave them to get on with their own private world and just serve them, obey them, worship them and devote yourself to them and they will be entirely happy. They won't of course reward you, talk to you or notice you, but this does not matter. You will be serving a higher life form. They won't answer you and can't be bothered with the likes of a petty earthling.

They don't tick like us. If we tick they tock. They march to another drumbeat entirely, one that is playing inside their head and no one else can hear, not even other Aquarians. They are unique - and who would want any more of them?

Aquarius in Love

If you are unlucky enough to fall for one of these then you aren't going to be wooed or romanced or wined and dined much. You will however get lectured, pontificated at, talked down to and patronized.

Aquarius in Business

They can't do paperwork or detail or even turn up on time. But give them a decent science lab and they'll produce a cure for cancer or design an interstellar rocket ship powered by thought or hot air or paperclips. They are obsessed with the past and love nothing better than digging up tombs, graves, archaeological sites, bones, dinosaurs, and incriminating evidence.

Pisces[edit]

Pisces, the Fish

20 February - 20 March

Pisceans have a vivid imagination and sense of drama. They frequently suffer from conspiracy delusions of being followed. They like people to regard them as a lot deeper than they really are. Another dual personality sun sign - like Gemini there are two of each of them. Oy!

Pisces, the Fish: Oh fishy fishy fishy fish, that went wherever I did go...

Personality

What's weird about this sign is that Piscean men are all giant oafs. None of them seem to be under 6 foot 5 inches. And all the women are tiny, small, little petite things. The cosmic way to keep these two signs from reproducing would be my guess and if that is indeed true...it would restore my faith in the cosmic balance. We'll see.

Pisces is the fishy version of the two-headed god of sarcasm. Pisces experience the pain of jealousy and resentment more intensely than we do. They hurt when you betray them - and betray them you will. They ask for it. They bear a grudge forever. Always suspecting their partner of having an affair. Naturally if you get accused enough then you might as well do it. They're careless and lose keys, and books - especially precious ones you've foolishly leant them. They like you to think of them as cool and carefree, but they are just messy, selfish and disorganized. They break all electrical gadgets.

Pisces in Love

People who have Pisceans for lovers often feel crushed by them because they can be taken up and then suddenly dropped for no reason. But again, this is part of their power play. By keeping you unsettled they think you'll want more - treat 'em mean and keep 'em keen. It usually just leaves you feeling worthless and dirty. Then again you might like this.

Pisceans don't need sex, they need power. They like getting you naked so you'll feel vulnerable and they feel in control. The sad thing is, they do tend to be able to get more people naked than any other sign. They'll use whatever tactics it takes - offering a massage, aromatherapy, artistic photos - you name it. They may even offer to work out your astrology chart for you - you would of course have to be naked for them to do this.

To escape from their bizarre power games all you have to do is laugh at their private bits.

Pisces in Business

In business, there's no easy way to get people to take off their clothes. They'd do much better to enter a career as a counsellor, doctor, nurse, or hypnotist. They will work in any situation that puts them in charge and you at a disadventage. They claim to love art but in reality they like looking at smutty pictures. Let's put it this way. Always ask the shoe shop assistant what star sign they are, and if they are Pisces then back out slowly. Don't put yourself in that uncomfotable setting and have your feet, ankles, toes, etc. messed with. Or be talked into getting naked to try on shoes.

If you do give them a job they'll turn out to be trouble-makers, sowing seeds of discontent and muttering in dark corners. They like to organize strikes.

Horoscopes[edit]

Footnotes[edit]

  1. In reality, the sun follows no such "path", nor does it "traverse" anything, but reality tends to interfere with astrological scholarship, so it is generally eschewed.
  2. depending on how hard your astrologer feels like working
  3. whatever that means - I told you it was very scientifical
  4. No pun intended,
  5. And boy, do you like to be naked.
  6. OK, two words.
  7. up to and including convincing a suitor that you are not gay
  8. Which may be why most astrologers are Leos...