User:Kakun/Alice in Chains

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Alice in Chains syndrome.

Alice in Chains syndrome (AICS, named after long-haired performer Alice Cooper and his habit to chain himself during his live concerts) is a disorienting neurological condition which affects one's peception of his/hers hair size. The first massive AICS plague accured during 1987 with the first victims being famous Poop Metal artists Axl Rose and Poison. According to Rose, it felt like someone ruining their long hair completly by raping them and rubbing their hair against his penis, making it all tangled up, smelly, hard and grungy. They had to get rid of their big hair when they came back home, causing Rose to go into a trauma and dedicate the rest of his life to establishing a Chinese Democracy.


AICS has a distinct diagnosis, with the carrier suffering from massive hairdo and polished appearance, to the point of vomiting. At a certain point, his body becomes ungrungy to a sickening degree, which causes him to get raped. More spesifically, the stages of the rape are as follows:

Layne Staley, the first AIC pacient, covering his damaged hair by streching his shirt over it.
  • The subject is worned that his body won't suffer this amount of polishness anymore, and that unless he will get raped he will die young.
  • The subject's hair is pulled from behind and used as human chains to tie him up to a tree, causing him to lift his face straight upwards.
  • If the hairs aren't greasy or spermy enough, they are hardened using the glue dripping from the tree.
  • The rapists then scream dirty words in the subject's ears.
  • The subject starts feeling things buzzing massively inside of him, much like butterflies in his stomach, only much harder than a stomach and without the butter.
  • At this stage, the AIC syndrome starts kicking in. The subject starts believing that he is missing vital organs such as a leg or even some of his hair.
  • The subject, starting to understand that he no longer has a big hair, also starts to get the reason for his rape: Making the process of ruining his hair less painful. He is then unplugged from the tree and is allowed to try and continue living his life as normal.
  • The next stages consist of endless side-affects, such as the sub-syndrome known as PAICS (Pubic Alice in Chains), where the recovered pacients start questioning the size of their pubic hair, thinking that nothing is safe, hiding inside boxes, robbing sperm banks etc.

AIC today[edit]

2007 saw a new eruption of AIC, with Britney Spears raping herself, getting herself pregnant and shaving her own head at the same time.

See Also[edit]