User:Kurgan/Wild Dog

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“I don't want my dogs fighting this dog”

~ Michael Vick on Wild Dog

The Wilde One better known by his stage name Wild Dog was the leader of the terrorist group Wild Dogs who work for Sherudo Garo. When Sherudo & Wild Dog were cloned, Wild received all of Sherudo Garoes suave genes, while Chuck Norris received all of the rugged genes. Because of this, Wild Dog planned to destroy the world. Why?.. because he could not grow a beard like Chuck Norris could.

Early Life[edit]

Wild Bong

Wild Dog, the world famous crime boss, terrorist, mass murderer, evil immortal serial killer is 3rd in awesomeness only behind Chuck Norris and Sherudo Garo, and he has a Bat Fuck Insane flamethrower for an arm. But it wasn't always this way. He used to be an illiterate, inbred, mentally retarded hobo with every STD in the book, an addiction to every drug, a 3rd grade education, and a 1-inch cock that was wider than it was long, before a truck carrying lab chemicals ran him over by accident. A little drop of it got in his mouth, and his transformation into the badass video game villain he is today instantly took place.


Wild Dog was born in Romania on December 2, 1949. He is the son of Anna Nicole Smith. Being Smith's offspring, there is still a mas media search for ho his real father is, but he was adopted by Sherudo Garo when he ran off to Sercia. Wild Dog, who was still known as Bob Smith then, had the IQ of a 1st grader and gouldn't read or write. Garo, the father of Samuel L. Jackson yelled these slurs, and more at him even as an adult before he was kicked out to live as a hobo.

  • "Wild Dog, why can't you be like your brother?"
  • "Wild Dog, how come your brother killed me with a rocket launcher when all I had was a fifty-foot walking-battle-tank of death? Christ, you suck."
  • "Wild Dog, either you're a pussy, or I'm just badass as ever. Be like your brother."
  • "Wild Dog, or is it, WILD DICK...fag."
  • "I love my dead gay son."
  • "What's with the fucking gay ass accent? Talk like your brother you fag!"
  • "Wild Dog, why don't you be like your brother and get a damn job?"
  • "William MacPherson is better than Wild Dog."
  • "What a fag."
  • "Wild Dog, you are NOT a man"

Imagine your father saying this to you! Man, that blows. Sorry, Wild. Hell, Sherudo Garo even lied to him! He said that Wild Dog had retarded genes whilst Snake had the awesome genes. It was actually the other way around. Wow, what a liar. Wait, what if a time traveller went back in time and told Wild Dog that he was actually the dominant one? That would give him enough self-esteem to kill Oscar Wilde when the events of Time Crisis: Robot Dinosaur happened. Then... no more Oscar Wilde. Oh shit, did I say this theory out loud? Oh shit! (Further studies have confirmed above statement as impossible.)

  • Wild Dog is the manifestation of Solid if he were a british faggot (who never dies because of the fact that he's to cowardly too).

Life After The Asshole Baby Project[edit]

After Wild Dog was cloned, he was quickly shipped to England with Sherudo Garo because they were deemed "too dangerous for America to handle" because their lack of a good accent might have left Wild Dog feeling even more retarded. In England he was also raised by Richard Dawkins who told him everything about his retarded genetic makeup. Sherudo Garo trained Wild Dog to be badass, just like him. Together, they went on missions in Japan, South Canada, Eastern Hell, and Buttfuck (pronounced "Byoot-fook").

Later on, Wild Dog decided to take it the next step after Sherudo Garo died in 1999 and commanded Sercia. For five years, Wild Dog tried and tried to make Sherudo Garo's dream come true. Oh yeah, did we mention he had a dream for soldiers to be appreciated?

So in like, 2005 the asshole himself Ernesto Diaz shows up because Wild Dog is making Time Crisis Robot Dinosaur and he wants Sherudo Garo's remains to clone him again like, a million times. However, Wild Dog forgets how to activate Time Crisis Robot Dinosaur, and so he is forced to rely on Ernesto Diaz to run around and do all the thinking work for him. This plan is thrown into jeopardy several times by crap game players, who don't realise how to beat Psycho Mantis or forget to check for mines. In fact, Wild Dog himself almost screws himself over royally when he flips out and tries to sit on Ernesto Diaz with his giant Hind. Thankfully, Solid Stings Wild Dog's Hind, and so Wild Dog is forced to retreat, allowing Ernesto Diaz to continue with his mission.

Ernesto Diaz does not approve of Time Crisiss, so he tries to kick Wild Dog's ass along with the other members of FOXHOUND and succeeds. And no matter how many times Wild Dog's ass got kicked, he never seems to die. He's like a fucking cockroach. And it would be an endless loop of Snake kicking Wild Dog's ass, if that disease (probably AIDS) hadn't killed him first.

Everyone thought no one would hear the last of Wild Dog, until like, two years later. Revolver Ocelot stole Wild Dog's dead body-part. The catch? Now Wild Dog sometimes takes over his body through his arm. Scientists speculate that this is because english people store their brains in their arms.

About eight years later, Wild Dog has full control over Diaz's body. He wants a rematch against Ernesto Diaz somewhere in the Middle East. This time, he has a fuckton of miniature Time Crisis Robot Dinosaurs. And a magic wand that makes egg cake for all to enjoy, except Chuck-fucking-Norris.

Wild Dog masturbates to picutres of Golden Retreivers too. Just thought you should know that.

He also spawned a love child named Mario with Oprah.

Reasons why Wild Dog's dad was wrong about him[edit]

Wild Dog defied his father's prediction of faggotry and went on to be one of teh most successful mob bosses and terrorists in the world. During the Sercian Revolution of 1996, he helped Sherudo Garo take back control of Sercia, contrary to what the game claims. He also invented Uncyclopedia and in July of 2006, aided Sherudo Garo in the War on North Korea's Nuclear Weapons Facility. Now, N. Korea only has the technology and intelligence to produce only one nuke every ten years thanks to him. He is so badass that Satan literally spit him out of hell THREE TIMES. He also has a flamethrower for an arm.

Adventures of Wild Dog[edit]

Terrorist Training[edit]

On January 15, 1957, Wild Dog boarded a Garbage Space Cruiser ship flown by his Alzheimer's suffering grandfather, Tom Phillips Sr. (who, to this day reportedly, still believes his son/daughter and son-in-law are alive and prospering), en-route to the country of Narnia, ruled at that Time by the great and powerful warlock Osama bin Laden. When he arrived there, he began rigorous training in the martial arts (instructed by some squinty-eyed freak named Yung Jung III). After six months of this, however, Dog felt that it was not what he was looking for. Feeling cheated and insulted, he drove a stolen snowmobile through Osama's camp in the frozen wastelands of Wichita (a province of west Narnia), mowing down Osamites with a Mack-10. Alone and naked after everyone in the camp was dead, he nearly drowned in the freezing waters of the Seaman river, being narrowly rescued by Satan Claus, who was on his way to visit his brother Darth Satan, an illegal arms dealer residing in Iran, who provided Osama's weapons and other "services". Satan forsook his plans and took Wild Dog back to the North Pole with him. Immediately Satan Claus tried to torture, rape and kill Wild Dog, but the Dog fought back, and murdered Satan Claus with a flamethrower built into his arm. The people of Narnia feared him now because of his flamethrower and Osama bin Laden , as a result ran and hid in a cave where he remains to this day.

The Michael Vick War[edit]

Once, Wild Dog and Michael Vick were at a dogfight, and Wild Dog lost a bet to Vick, so Wild Dog ate Michael Vick. PETA rejoiced, claiming their ultimate goal was reached, until they found out Wild Dog owned the other dog. A day later, Wild Dog took a toilet clogging, triple-flush mega-shit that took up half the toilet paper roll. The turd was actually an egg, which Terrell Owens was hatched from. The moral of the story is that Terrell Owens was crapped out by a video game character, and still is a piece of shit.

Wild Dog vs. the Angry German Kid[edit]

After taking a month to recover from injures sustained during a fight with his PC, Angry German Kid took to the skies again in December of 1337. When it became obvious to the Sercians that the AGK was flying once more, the Sercian Royal ignored all of its men and called upon Wild Dog to do it again. On December 24th, the two met in an epic aerial battle near the Iranian-North Korean border.

Both of these pilots respected the ancient traditions of aerial warfare, especially the guidelines concerning one-on-one dogfights. It was for this reason that both pilots shot down dozens of other fighter planes, sometimes from their own side, to ensure a fair battle. Eventually, the forty-below temperature got to Wild Dog, and the Angry German Kid got him dead in his sights. Why he didn't fire, we'll never know; or was it the fact that Wild Dog is the most BADASS uber-mofo on the face on the planet? AGK forced Wild Dog to land in Germany. The Sercian ace was fearing the end, when the Angry German Kid cried out "ICH WILL UNREAL TOURNAMENT SPIELEN!" After sharing a Bud, both pilots flew off to their respective countries, Wild Dog went to go kill people in real life, and the Angry German Kid went back to killing his computer for more YouTube videos, but not before Wild Dog killed him on Unreal Tournament, causing the final tantrum in the infamous Angry German Kid video.

See Also[edit]