User:Lambic/Hidden Stories: Widow Wench

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Welcome, oh intrepid and unknown stranger, to the mysterious jungle of Lambic's Hidden Stories, the parallel world of plots and conspirations, strictly restricted to youthful adults!

The Hidden Story of the Widow Wench

Important notice![edit]

The following text is the faithfull reproduction (with added linking) of a manuscript found wandering on Uncyclopedia's pages.

Mystery and Tumbleweeds[edit]

It is rumored (although highly unlikely) that soon after Jean Bart's death, Elisabeth was determined to find a way to bring her true love back to life. Most of the people in Elisabeth's social circle were quite sure that she had lost her mind, either to old age or due to the effects of the bite of a small Sea Snake, which had lost its way and wandered into her garden.

Regardless, the story continues with Elisabeth seeking the help of a reclusive coven of witches in England who, upon seeing the sincerity of Elisabeth's love and determination, agreed to help her with her request to the extent of their abilities.

Unbeknownst to the people of the time, the English coven was in possession of a small quantity of water taken directly from the Fountain of Youth. Its location had been revealed to them during their travels to the New World, and the witches were sworn to secrecy regarding the Fountain which had been sought for centuries by all nations.

The witches, who could sense the ebb and tide of the future, told Elisabeth that although Jean Bart could not be resurrected in this life, the wise men of centuries to come would be able to bring about his rebirth. (We must assume that this refers to human cloning which, in the 21st century, is close to being a successful medical procedure.) Elisabeth could choose to drink the Elixir of Life and extend her life indefinitely until that time when Jean Bart could be returned to her.

As with all bargains, there was a payment required from Elisabeth in return for her immortality: she must leave behind her seafaring ways and move to the center of the New World, where nothing but desert lands would surround her. The witches demanded that she become a guardian of the earth, defending and protecting the waterless plains of her new home, and occasionally performing nude dance rituals with tumbleweeds[1].

Don't stare at them for too long a time, or you'll be spoiling your eyes!

So it is rumored that Elisabeth agreed to the witches' terms, drank the Elixir of Life and became young and feisty again. She stole away on a cargo ship -- this was to be her last voyage on the sea -- and journeyed to the New World. The vessel had surprisingly few encounters with Shivering Sea Snakes during its excursion, to the great relief and disbelief of the captain and crew.

Elisabeth supposedly took up residence in a small town called Villa de Alburquerque (population: less than 300) that had been founded in 1706 by Francisco Cuervo y Valdés. She learned the native language and would later become fluent in English as well. The settlers were baffled throughout the years by Elisabeth's perpetual youthfulness, but attributed it to her diet of tumbleweed seeds and Belgian chocolate.

As the 21st century unfolds, and medical technology advances, it is said by the incurably romantic that Elisabeth will soon have her centuries-old desire become a reality. She is rumored to wear a silver locket around her neck, engraved with the initials "FSM" (the meaning of which has never been determined, although it has been suggested that the locket was given to her by the English witches who honored various unusual deities). The locket allegedly holds a tiny bit of her beloved husband, Jean Bart, and when the time comes, he will be cloned and reunited with his faithful pirate wench.

A fact that seems to uphold the rumor of Elisabeth's continued existence is that, docked at a port in San Diego, California, is an ancient and restored pirate ship which is maintained by an elderly gentleman named Philippe. When questioned regarding his employer, the mysterious gentleman will simply say, "Ah, but milady waits for her pirate lover to return."

The philosophical meaning of Belgian Chocolate[edit]

The actual popping up of countless chocolate shops in Brussels, capital of Belgium (Europe), is the best known aspect of said city becoming the philosophical centre of our beloved planet.


  1. More about the spiritual properties of the tumbleweed can be found in Marcel Lobster's highly prized, but equally hard to find book "Tumbleweed Queens of Southern North America", Squirmer's Library, La Paz (Bolovia).