User:Fredd The Mahmauscher/Manowar
|This article is under construction for the Poo Lit Surprise writing competition.|
For some reason, Fredd The Mahmauscher thinks he/she/it has a chance.
Humor them and give them a fair shot. Unless you're Fredd The Mahmauscher, hands off!
Hello, sir or ma'am (hopefully sir.) What you are about to read is a well-prepared, truth-telling, bullseye-accurate account on the little-known Nordic civilization that is Manowar. You won't find this information elsewhere, and you most definitely won't find it on the lame-ass encyclopedia, Wikipedia, because we, Uncyclopedia, are the (only) real deal.
Unlike the pansy-ass Wikipedia, we cite our sources on top. This is all for your convinience, so that you know who the fuck wrote what you are reading.
- "History of Manowar, VOL IV, 1989" by Prof. Jack O'Faul Trades and Prof. Masteroff Nunn, (Professors of Everything [including pie] at Yale University) This is, by far, the most reliable source of information regarding Manowar.
- Prof. Jack is now selling hotdogs for a living at Union Station, and Prof. Masteroff is spending the remainder of his life in a mental institute in Dallas. Just in case you, sir, wanted to contact them in person, or something.
- "That time I was raped by a Manowar during my sojourn to the Northern Realms." by the Arab explorer Ibn Sharmuta. This is a very reliable, to-the-point, neutral and unbiased source of first-hand information about the Manowarian ways of life.
- Ibn Sharmuta was exiled from Iraq to the land of the Manowars after he raped the Sultan's daughter. In front of the Sultan's eyes.
- "Synopsis of teh Manowars." By xXNerd666Xx, a socially challenged, 400 lb internet nerd who claims to have lived a past life as a manowar. He also claimed once that he was abducted by aliens. Not so reliable, but it's the best we could get our hands on. Until you start donating.
- He lives in his mother's basement. Not that it's extraordinary or anything.
Origins and History
Manowar is a warring civilization that inhabited Finland for the duration of two centuries, the 8th and 9th centuries. The location of their civilization is little known, although Prof. Trades claims to have pinpointed the center of their main town. He elaborates on his theory in this exscript from his book, "History of Manowar:"
|I have managed to pinpoint the exact location of the center their civilization, a fucking old pine tree infront of the McDonalds on a highway, 20 miles to the the north of Helsinki. I found some Runic symbols on that tree. It translates literaly as "dis tree iz teh centre ov teh civlysashunn ov teh Manowar." [sic] Despite the bad spelling, It's a solid piece of evidence to my theory.|
There are two schools of thought when it comes to the origins of Manowar, the first one, Prof. Nunn's, says that Manowars can be considered the cousins of Vikings. Prof. Nunn elaborates on this theory in his book:
|The Vikings and the Manowars are two cousin civilizations with two fundamental differences. The Manowars had the secret of True Metal, which gave them an edge over Vikings in weaponry. The second one is that the Vikings, brutal as they are, were a peaceful herd of sheep when compared to the Manowars. The Manowars raided the living Thor out of the Vikings, torched their friggin villages and raped their women.|
The second school of thought, xXNerd666Xx's, is based on the Bible of Godowar, the phoney ballooney Holy Book of the Manowars. It states that the Gods created the Manowars to guard the "True Metal" that they had created five minutes before. The nerd claims that the following verse may contain some evidence for his stupid theory:
|The Gods made heavy metal, And they saw that it was good. They said to play it louder than Hell, We promised that we would.|
In my opinion, this text makes no sense, but Nerd666 claims that this is a mistranslation, and blames Google's Runes to English online translator.
All our sources agree that most of the events in the history the Manowars were directly or indirectly related to a mystical metal known by the name of "The True Metal." While the professors and the traveller are unsure of how the metal came to Manowar's possession, the Nerd has another opinion. Mr. Nerd666 believes that he once lead a past life as a Manowar. He claims that during his past life, the Manowars made a deal with the Gods. The deal was to protect the source of the "True Metal" from falling into the hands of the Dark Lord, "Lord Mainstream," in return for the protection of the Godowar, and him allowing them to use the metal. And for two hundred years, they managed to protect it. But, sadly, they all were killed off when mainstream infected the scene, effectively erasing their existence off the face of the earth. This is when Nerd666 got abducted by aliens. And that's why there is no concrete evidence of their existence. And that's where Uncyclopedia comes in, to turn abstact speculations into solid facts.
Also, may I remind you, Sir (or ma'am. Hopefully sir) that Uncyclopedia is in a dire need for your donations. Please make a donation. We are currently relying on commercial ads for funding.
The Manowars were natural-born warriors. War was what they were good at. They raided, fought, killed, raped, pillaged, burned, looted, killed, raped, raided, pillaged and destroyed everything that stood (or not) in their way. They were such fierce warriors that Eric the Red himself fled Scandinavia to Greenland when he heard that they were coming for him.
Some people [Who?] went as far ar saying that the Manowars were immortal. Ibn Sharmuta, the 9th century Arab explorer, sheds some light on this issue in his book:
|Dude, that fucking thing was huge like, WTF. So I was sitting there doing my life-in-exile thing, with the snow, the mooses and the pine forest, right? Like lumberjack badass shit. And this fucking immortal warrior bursts out of the treeline, musk all over the place, and instead of raiding and pillaging, he heads towards me, like WTF. So I pull out my mommy's necklace and I strangle the immortal shit out of this Manowar, and he mounts me with his phallus of true metal, like WTF. Thank God I survived, albiet with a bleeding anus, a torn sphincter and some damaged nerves. No seriously, he fucking raped me...|
Ok. that might have been a tad bit obscene, but you get the general idea now, don't you? Lets just say that the Manowars lived up to their names.
Allegations of Homosexuality
Incidents like the above had led some people to believe that the Manowars were gay. This belief was deepened by Ibn Sharmuta describing them as "Sodom reborn... With
savings warriors." Nerd666 promptly denied the accusation. He was quoted saying:
|These accusations are totally unbased on reality. I remember that during my past life I kissed a human girl.|
On the other hand, Prof. Trades, an avid advocate for the "Manowar Are Gay" theory, sides with Ibn Sharmuta, but in a heated IRC debade between the professor and the nerd, the nerd ultimately proved that Manowar were not gay. Here is the conversation:
- <prof. j.o.t.> manowar is teh gheyzorz!!!1 omglolololol1
- <xXN666Xx> no u!
- <prof. j.o.t.> [...]
And in accordance with the time-honored "UR GHEY --NO U" law, since the professor didn't reply, therefore the professor is gay and the Manowars are not. This logic is just irrefutable.
Manowars, as all Scandinavians were devout worshipers of Thor, Odin (God of War) and Loki (God of Fire, they reign forevermore.) But unlike other Scandinavian cultures, the main God was Odin, being the one-eyed God of War with the cool ravens and so forth. Also, unlike other cultures where Odin was referred to as Yggr, Odin was called The Godowar. Odin is believed to have given the Manowars the enterance to the Hall of Might, where the True Metal is forged. By fucking magic.
For many centuries, Manowar's true metal had been a mystery, a question without an answer, a secret of the dead, but not anymore! Professor Jack O'faul Trades finally deduced the chemical composition of the legendary metal by performing some mystic Voodoo rituals.
And now, for the first time in modern history, we finally know what the True Metal of Manowar is! It is...
...wait for it...
...here it comes...
Lead-free Stainless Steel.
- We accept all forms of currency. Even livestock.
- And no, it's not an obvious literary forgery. Shame on you, Oscar Wilde...
- Vandalism is another major problem with our glorious Uncyclopedia. But we are low on cash, and we can't affort to hire comptent adminstrators to deal with this problem. Please, make a donation. And remember, we accept any form of currency.
- Yes, I know, I can rhyme. Now, would you please toss some donations into my hat.
“What the fuck?”
*sounds of gun-cocking*
*sounds of gunshots*