Diary Of A Madman
Hi, I'm new here! Nah, that’s not my name "New Here" I just mean I'm new to this place, gonna look all right when they finish fixing it up :)
I just got done watching series Series 6 of Keno on DVD. I've seen it over the years now and again, but it's only been in the last year or so that I watched the series in it's entirety and realized it was one of my favorite shows that I didn’t know was one of my favorite shows 'cause it wasn’t one of my favorite shows until I watched it and it became one of my favorite shows. Yes, as a matter of fact, I can’t say that 3 times really fast.
I do crosswords! I completed an entire book including the one about breakfast serials beginning with the letter Q. I've been shaking so bad they put me on Prozac and Valium to settle my nerves, but they where only temporary doses to give me while the Lexapro and Zoloft kicked in. But when the nurse wasn’t looking, I slipped in some Viagra with my hourly dose! And with the great combination of anti-depressants and Viagra I have discovered when you don’t get a fuck, you don't give a fuck!
I don't have a very large vocabulary because I have a small dictionary and I have the same waste line I had when I was 3 years old... err, I was a fat kid! But none the less, I have no idea who Mr Keirshells is or what he said to me, and I am the one and only person on this flat planet who can understand every single word Bob-Cat Goldwaith says in all of his appearances on the Police Academy movies! But for the first time in my life I have to say this.. could you repeat the question? and could you use a form of dialect I am familiar with? I speak several languages fluently! such as, English, American, Australian & Canadian....I think he must have been speaking to me in Welsh, cause no one understands the Welsh, well, except the Welsh but if I understood the Welsh I would be Welsh but I am not Welsh so I dont understand the Welsh therefor I don't understand if he was talking to me in Welsh or not. What was I talking about? And who is this Harold person anyway? I don't understand a word he says, I think he is Welsh or something, but I don't speak Welsh so I don't know why he has been trying to talk to me in Welsh when I cleared do not speak Welsh.
Keir shells, Keirshells by the key shore? Maybe that's who Mr. Keirshells is, but it still doesn't explain why he is speaking to me in Welsh when I do not speak Welsh.
Being trapped inside this room reminds me of the time I voted for the revolving door-stop M&M. It never won, nothing I vote for ever wins, but I stand by my word that till the day I die, or next Monday at 7:30fm I will never accept the letter Q as being a relevant species of the alphabettie spaghetti family. I wrote a poem today called "I'm a ding-a-ling, a rinky-dink-dink, a gong head, a hells bells for the 6 sister of no mercy convent and a stinker-bell when it comes to chiming in the wind" but so far i'm stuck on the 2nd line trying to think of something that rhymes with "I'm a ding-a-ling, a rinky-dink-dink, a gong head, a hells bells for the 6 sister of no mercy convent and a stinker-bell when it comes to chiming in the wind".... but I am not a red bull, I don't have wings, nor sanitary pads, if I did, I may be able to master Welsh and know what the hell that clown from yesterday was saying to me and I might be able to start earning some frequent flier miles.
NO HE DIDNT WRITE IT
I WROTE THE SMEGGIN' THING MYSELF! Took me 10 minutes to write, and 25 years later, I still have not seen any royalty's or commission fee's. I am taking them to court and demanding they pay me the sum of $567, minus $305.3, multiplying it by 12 and adding then subtracting the amount of people who cared that Prince Big Ears and his Missus got married last week, times that by 1.21 giggawhatt and agreeing with "WHAT THE HELL IS A GOBOT?", then Plugging the nuerophex into the Lspnqr500 destabilize should jestingly override the k-f2 circuit causing the massive projector overload in the celery stick. Personally I prefer the G-130, it is just like the G-120 only it comes with the side order or fries and a free walloping kangaroo that speaks Russian in seven other languages but can not speak Welsh in Japanese for more then 5 percepts, other wise he ceases to be able to use his heavenly functions for the 501 unit box, version 3 to be precise and he is possibly a hermaphrodite on wheels but nothing is certain till we receive the jj-e129 to code clearance the alpha channel over the manual auto sequence of pong-pong pew seats...Then carrying the point 1 and dividing by the retro gravity incline i should then diverse into matters of cardinality to a non cryogenically frozen data base analysis system 5.1, with the 155 megabytes of extra ram to co-ordinate the perfect resolution and pixel state required to maintain optimal thorpedionixiode needed to pull the gravitational pull of the atmospheric weigh ratio. Upon Completion this will make a great specimen to convert into a thermonutrient, capable of sending out proton torpedoes over a radius of ninety one point five seven quadrants in 3 miller-seconds a gallon to move the bishop to the left, checkmate. Of coarse that's the broadened version, I could have said all that by just asking you to pull my finger. Tho I will settle for a minimum order of fish & chips.
Today's Highlight: - Today the nurse's let me use the computer. It has this weird internet browser on it I have never heard of called Mozilla... I wonder if it is any relation to Larryzilla & Curlyzilla?
My, Myself & I have been arguing amongst ourselves again, the dork that brought him should be shot for smuggling dope. That's STALK you moron, grow a brain. Shut up, or I'll run away with your shoe. I want to return home where i can sandpaper my car & lick light bulbs again without fear of knowing what it's like to drink lighter fluid. - do you know, the more times you run over a cat, the flatter it gets! It's a fact, look it up, I wouldn't lie to us.
If I fucked a wombat I could wrestle a wallaby in an crocodile swamp! Speaking of Chinese food, i rad rir rye rast right! wasnt too bad, i made it myself, i did. Still picking the cat hairs out from teeth tho! I have a sudden urge to lick my paws! kind of like the time i got addicted to dog food! i had to go off it tho, each time i tried to lick my couch i fell off my balls!
I Reckons I Be 'ere A Fortnight Or So
Iz waz razed in 'a ruff from the bomb that landed next ta me sizta's joint last fwidee noit, neva will oi eva' stay en waytch the bloody friggen thunderbox swirl clockwize eva agen! if i could jus fiynd the woit kinda cwicket bet id be shaw to bash tha blasterd wallabees ed in wiff it! fair dinkem i never seen a roo eat so much bloody choof in all me life! strooth ol bly me fuck me dead, me moufs as dry as a dead dingos donga, mayte. ! we nue it was tha roo's too cauws va neyxt dai theyd al stopped 'oppin around en where just like causualii walkin' roun' sayin "hey man dont point the fucking thing at me me man" en tha lil joey sittin in tha pouch takes a drag n says "yeah tell em to fuck off mum". If kindergarden copppa was made ere in ostraylee-a i'm shore the little whipper snapper would 'ave sed "boys ava donga and sheilas ava vajoynah"
p.s: i wrote ps!
Today's Highlight:- I wrote a beautiful song, and have transcribed it to tabliture.
- 6/9 timing in the key of E#/Hb
F|-doink-------------------------------------------------|-doink/\/\------------------------------------------------|| ||solo break--------------reek----------|| E|----------------------------------------------boing----|-------------------------clank clank----------------------|| ||---------------------------------hiss-|| D|------------bang---tink--------------------------------|----------------------------------------------------------|| ||--------roar--------------boing-------|| C|------------------------bang---------------------------|--------bang^screetch--------------------wobble----------*|| ||--------------------clash ------------|| B|------------------------------ding---ding---ding-------|---------------------------------------------------------*|| ||--------------------------------------|| A|-doink-------------------------------------------------|----------------------------------------------------------|| ||--bang bang lu-lu---------------------|| E|----------------------------------------------boing----|-------------------------------------bing---------boing---|| ||---------------------roarrrrrrrr------||
Where is Old York, Old Mexico & Old Jersey? Is there a place called Uohme & Healthyunannoyed? What happened to A,B,C troit? If Geronimo was alive today, would he sky dive, and as he jumped would he say "MEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeee"? Is there anywere called HITissipi? is there a GrassDeigo? Who is Ammi? and why is it known as Mine and not his or hers or theirs ami? Is there any were called Hammeritmore? Do the people around the white house area really do there Laundry by the tonne loads? Whats a delphia? and what do they fill it with? How come Bavarian Motor Works don't sell chocolate cars? Is Paris Hilton related to Las Vegas Club Med? It's question like these that send a man so insane he could end up in this place. I'll have to go see if he's here tomorrow.
Letter To My Mother
Upon reading this you have now been struck with a bad luck streak! you must reply and give me $50,000 or bad luck will strike you dead in your track in precisely 1 hour! This spell is not reversible, non refundable and will be very fatal if you choose to ignore it! Other wise, should you choose to ignore this, bad fortune and luck is in-store for you from the moment you look away or close this message! if you don't believe me, read these letters from the previous victims!
- "John HandonCock speaking here, when i first heard about the superstitious letter, i was just thinking it was another gag, but i fell off my motorcycle and ended up waking up in hospital with 2 broken legs, the loss of speech, a donated kidney from Micheal Jackson and i now wear my asshole as an eye patch!"
- "Mr Maniac sent me a superstition letter, and i then started to realize my penis was shrinking, it is gone now, and i do miss it" - Mike Hunt
- "My name is Mrs Far Cough, and after reading the thread, i found i had started to grow hair all over my titties! and it went all the way down to my newly grown penis!"
- "before i closed this window, i was sure this was bullshit, but now im stuck with 7 children and watch the Disney channel non stop all day when i'm not listening to baby's scream and change smelly diapers, save yourself, its that easy" - Heywood Jablomei Insteadhunny"
- "When I ignored this thread my ass started to get bigger, and its still growing, scientific results are telling me that by 2010 my ass will have its own satellite" - J'lo
- "hi, my name is Llub Parc , opon reading this guys message i chose to ignore it, and i was struck dead by a bus"
This curse is not reversible on the giver, there is a superstitious force-field protecting me from any spells attempted to get back at me, and applies to all those who read this as soon as the message is opened, so if you ignore my plea for bail money, you will die a horrible fucking death you tight-ass cunt
p.s: Say hi to dad for me.
well, i'm male. But I do know the feeling of pre-menstrual tension, I've had diarrhea for the last few days and the cramps are unbearable at times. I sometimes only just make it to the can and i'm spluttering and farting into the bowel, it's bubbling and gurgling out. Continuess machine-gun sounds as the shits projectiles into the water, causing it to splash back up all over my arse and leave me with even more to clean up. Then I go to wipe and I even fold the paper in half and that, but I still manage to push too hard on the absorbing towel, so my fingers go through the paper and into my arse.. god I hate that, even when you wash your hands with every soap and deodorant you can find, you can still smell it. It's probably not there, but it's imprinted in your mind... you know, like when you squash a fly with your hand, and you just are very aware of that particular spot on your hand like it's germ ridden disgusting ghost is haunting you.
So, anyway. you wipe, and you've used the last of the T.P. and you casually try to go back to doing something else, when two things either happen. One, you feel like it's coming back, and you try to ignore it by going about your business and then step two happens. Or two, you feel it coming on strong and hard and it's not going to wait, it's coming now... the Osama babies are ready to be born. So you drop your dacks and splatter out another round... and this goes on all day, you wipe your arse so much it eventually feels like your wiping with sandpaper... you put the paper in the refrigerator then you go back to the can to find out the last time, you used up all the paper and didn't have time to buy more.... you end up unraveling the cardboard bit of the toilet roll to wipe with and you end up paper-cutting your arsehole, so not only is it spurting out like hell, it's also red raw and bleeding now! And for the first time ever, you wish the fuckin' cat would decide to wonder in to rub against your leg like it does every other time you don't have the runs.
Sometimes I would prefer to have PMS over diarrhea. At least you can go about your business. And when I want to get somebody back for sticking my tooth brush up there butt, bristles first. I could use my PMS to get them back. I'd use slices of bread as a Tampax for the period. Then I would roll them into balls and flatten them a bit then fry them in some batter and coat them with sugar and offer those bastards a nice jam-donut!!!!!!
Also, maybe instead of focusing on it being a curse. Use it for good, think positive. now, there's many things you can get out of what I'm about to tell you. You know how your having your period, and you still get horny sometimes, but you would feel too ashamed or embarrassed to have sex with someone while your on your rags.. well, there is an alternative suggestion. Re-decorate your room in Japanese decoratives, throw up some bamboo shoots, some of those Jap wall decorations, get one of those low down beds they have... and then simply put a white sheet on your bed. Then, turn out the lights, and invite your partner over for a good ol' booty waxing session. And in the morning, when you both get out of bed. You will notice there is a huge red ROUND stain in the middle of the sheet. But only you will know what it REALLY is, because there just going to think it's a sheet with the Japanese flag on it!!! then you could sell that sheet on E-bay!!!!
Today's Highlight: Bidding for the sheet is up to 12 bucks already!
Maniacs log, star-date: twenty, twenty something, rounded off to the nearest decimal. We've begun a journey to find our missing man. Last seen on the 10th ion of February with a 3 breasted Ewok. We've salvaged together a one man crew to search for the man who can only be referred to by his underwear size. We will have up-to-date updates on tracking down the whereabouts of the man they call "Tinkerbell" once in a blue moon of Uranus that has evaporated from one of Saturn's rings. We will avoid entering black holes causing milky-ways at all costs, but I am without contraceptives, so please leave... me... the... fuck.... alone.
We've begun our search in one of Tinks known hangouts. We've entered the 6 sisters of absolutely no mercy convent school and proceeded to enter the locker rooms. We have located sniffed panties, tried on bras with a DNA match to one Tinkerbell J. Esquire, and a pair of worn out dentures with expired cabbage seeds. But the trail is cold here. No sign of Tink. Where should we try now Mr. Spock? (How about the dumpster behind KFC?) All engines forward Mr. Sulu, steady as she goes.
Maniacs log; brown, stinky, remind me to flush. no picture available. We've searched all cheap take away restaurants in the search for Tink. Still no sign of him. We have an anonymous tip that he may be lurking in sector 7 at the Hairy Palms strip club and all you can eat buffet. Vast fact that it is a rough area of town, so we will proceed with caution and our butts plugged up with silly putty.
We have located a worker here named Bidgie-Bidgie-Boo-Boo who says Tink is a regular of hers. However she too is fucked if she knows where Mini-mouse is either. Miss Bidgie-Bidgie-Boo-Boo has given us substantial information about Tinks fetish for cheese omelets in butt gravy. And that he is a regular visitor to Vegemite valley. Miss B.B.B.B. has no nipples and is made out of plastic. We have now melted her down with our phasers. captains reminder. I am now WITH contraceptives.
Captains log, wood, tree, cedar, established a notion I can't fuck it, so on with the search for Tink We're fucked if we can find Tink, this mission is a bust, Mr. Scotty, would you beam us up again, please. Set the war-plus torpedoes for stun, fire up the axillary boosters, and like, get us the fuck out of here.
I Hate Clowns
I don't like that Ronald McDonald prick... that McFuck has always given me the Mc Shits... him standing around with all them Mc Kids around him, looking at his big Mc Shoes, any one who wears shoes like that's a fuckin' clown in my book. All those kids around him, he's got a white face and he likes children....sounds like someone else i know, Mc Michael Mc Jackson! So I go out of my way to piss off the Mc Donalds people... I like to go through their Mc Drive-Though and order a whole lot of Mc Shit, and then drive through without given em the money, they make up a whole lot of Mc Shit for me and I piss off on 'em.
It's also fun to order some Mc Shit, and then ya pick up your order, ya drive around the block, and then ya come back and say "5 big macs where missing" meanwhile you've stashed 'em away, ya pinch ya kids so they cry, really sell the situation, and they say, "are you sure? I did that order" and you just yell out them, "ARE YOU CALLING ME A FUKIN' MC LIAR?" then ya get a few free things and take em home for ya dogs or something? .... except one day when a stubborn little cunt was on and wouldnt gimmie 'em, so i says "GET ME YOUR MC MANAGER YA MC FUCK" and I said, "it's my McRight to get what I McOrdered and McPaid for, and if I feel like Mc Complaining, I'll fukin sue yas, just like that woman in McAmerica who McSued ya for spilling hot coffee on her McCunt, your lucky my McCock wasnt in her, or yad have been sued ya for twice as Mc Much... and get me a free big Mc Mac, and make sure you put plenty of Mc Mayonnaise on the bastards, if it aint got Mc Mayonnaise I cant fukin Mc Taste it, and whats the sh|t about calling them fries? We're in Mc Australia, it's not Mc Fries, its Mc CHIPS! If I have to come in here toMcMorrow, and you aint changed it to Mc Chips, i'll cause you some serious Mc Pain... now I'm gonnah go take a Mc Sh|t in your toilets, and leave yas a McNugget, and when I come back out, I want you to have filled this Mc Thing with Mc Serviettes and Mc Straws, so I can Mc Pinch 'em, and when you Mc Fill it back up, i'll Mc Pinch 'em again!
So I goes to the Mc Toilets, and dont ya fukin hate it when your in the mens room, and the bloke next to yas got a quarterpounder, and you've only got a junior burger.... and when I comes out of the toilet, who should I see sittin' in Mc Donalds? Garfunkel without Simon! I said to the McManager, "what the fuks he doing here? you've already got one red headed clown" the manager went to get me Mc Burger, and I said "make sure you put plenty of McPickles on it, in case i wanna take a nap and put em over me McEyes ya McKunt....then i McFuked-off... went back through the drive through, and ordered the wrong sh|t just for my own personal Mc Amusement, they said, can we take your order? I said "yeah, large pizza supreme" "what?" "you heard me, a Kentucky dinner box" the kids love that, cause when i go through the drive through there already laughin cause they know i'll order the wrong sh|t, kids love it....But that Ronald Mc Donald, I hate that bastard, both him and MJ stick there meat in 9 year old buns.
I almost hate Ronald more then I hate Kernal Sanders, I dont like that prick either, with that smug look on his face, and a sarcastic voice "ohhh, your gonna bye my chicken" as if the secret herbs and spices are such a secret, we know what one of the secret herbs and spices are, we know what those little green bits of leaf are, he puts em in there so youll become addictive and crave more, plus he's a sick bastard that Kernel, his finger licken good wife died, and he cremated the poor b|tch in his secret herbs and spices, sold em to to bloody Ronald McDonald as Oval-tine flavor for there McFlurry's.... it's a sick world in the take away industries these days i tell ya.
I've been working as a Doctor till they found out i wasn't qualified, but because im the clever little bastard that i am! I stole one of the Doctors white coats and decided to become a Doctor for the day. And fuck was it exciting! First off , I started out by deciding to introduce myself to a patient in need! I said Hello Ma'am, I am Dr.Dickhead, if you could please take off your blouse and say AHHHHH for me. In which she did! So i thought id like to see the rest of her, so i put my hands on her tits and said, Do you know what im doing? and she said yes, your examining me for breast cancer, i thought its good to be a doc! I took off her pants and felt up her arse and said, do you know what im doin' now? She said "yeah, your checkin me for bumps of cancer. I thought its good to be a doc! I ripped her underwear off and proceeded to fuck her! I said do you know what im doing now? She said "yeah, your getting herpes!
So any ways, after my first client, I decided i was a bit hungry, so i went off to the cafeteria and i met this bloke who was studying to be a medical examiner himself! I was talking to him for a bit and he said he graduated top in his class of GUESSING patients symptoms before examination! I said, Ok, then we shall have a bet, we will guess the next person to walk through the doors symptoms! Sure enough a bloke walks in through the doors, and old bloke about 70, and he walks in holding his stomach and crouching over! I said, Hes got a kidney infection! He reckons hes got a bad back! So we goes up to the old guy and says, i think you got a kidney infection and me pal here reckons you got a bad back, which is it? The old timer says , well you thought i had a kidney infection, well im afraid your wrong, and you thought i had a bad back im afraid you were wrong too! you see, i thought i had to fart, im afraid i was wrong!!!!
So after that i pissed off down to the practice rooms , Detour through the maternity ward, cause i heard a rumor the women in there put out. So i goes into the practice and i see a guy yelling at a doctor, and hes yelling "you can do what a duck cant do and stick your bill up your ass, you bastards only were face masks so that if the operation aint a success no one will know which bastard did it!" so i said "Rodney, how the fuck are ya? nice to meet ya trendsetter" he looked at me and said "are you my doc you white coated prick?" i said "i might fuckin well be" I said come with me ya weasel wart! So i takes him into a room and decided to make up a phony diagnostic report for him and i said "i got good news and bad news for you" he said whats the good news? i said "ya might die." he said "whats the bad then?" i said to him i says " ya see that nice nurse over there with the big tits?" he smiled delightfully and said "YEAH?" i said "well im fucking rootin her" he said "is that right ya white coated prick?" and proceeded to kick the shit out of me with his size 21 clown shoes!
Rodney forgave me when a nice lady with nice tits walked in and asked for a doctor and he said "im no gynecologist ,but ill take a look at it for ya" so Rodney left and i headed to the ER. On my way i had to walk back past the Practice, and i over heard this women talking to her doc, the doc asked her what was wrong? she said "well those hormonal pills you gave me have caused hair to grow all over my titties!" the doc was puzzled and said, "well how far does the hair go?" she said "right down to my fucking dick, and that's another thing i want to talk to you about"
I also happened to notice that in the next room a doctor was writing a prescription with his thermometer, i said, "doc, do you know your writing with that with a thermometer" he said "oh shit, some assholes got my pen" - When the realized I wasn't a doctor, they tried to bill me for it, so I told the doc billing me he could do what a duck can't and stick his bill up his fucking ass.
Gastroke Bipass Operation
Your powers are fair, but no skill to match the force I posses behind me. I have caused hurricanes, tornadoes, blown houses away, blown houses up, started earthquakes, had 100 and seventy five feet of bright orange flame light up the night sky just because I stood within seven yards of a struck match! I can fart with such great force I can levitate!!!! Kids gather behind me with there jumpers over there nose and holding up there kites while Daredevils will buy gasmasks and then bring there paro-sailing kits and glide behind me.
I've blown the doors off a Porches, sent cows flying through the air, sent Maggie Thatcher back to Oz on her broomstick, and knocked freshly made KFC out of the sky when I held a match up to my butt while teasing a school of flying birds! The only down fall to having these superpowers is Marvel wont damn well make a comic book based on my life, and the cloths that dont disintergreate or explode to shreds sometimes end up with the worse follow through.... never mind, it's too gross to explain.
Do you really have the power to challenge me to a fart-off contest? Because I will go into training again on a diet of bakedbeans, mexican food and curry to prepare, but I cannot be responsible for innocent by standers, if they get too close they will be like a spider blowing in the wind and then a grand piano rammed through them at a one thousand miles per hour!!!
And just to let you know. this power of mine has been consumed from generation to generation. My great, great, great grandfather was the man who started the great London & Chicago fire, both times he was just roasting marshmellows with a self produced flame, in Brazil!!!!
__ __/o \__ \____ \ __ //\ \ __/o \-//--\ \_/ \____ ___ \ | || \ |\ | _|| _||_||
I didn't have a day 8, I forgot about it and missed the whole thing.
Today the nurses had us participate in an inter-patient dating service. we had to sit and tell us about ourselves in front of a camera. I reckon I will be rolling in pussy by next week.
My speech went
"abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz now i know my abc next time wont you sing with me..... 1 2 3 4 5 once i caught a fish alive, 6 7 8 9 10 then i let him go again... why did you let him go? cos he bit my finger so, which finger did he bite? this little finger on my right..... 1 2 Freddys cumming on you, 3 4 your moms a whore, five six your dads got no dick, 7 8 your periods late, 9 10 your knocked up again... mary had a little bike the pump was up the front and every time she hit a bump the pump went up her cunt, it went up so hard one day, so hard one day, so hard one day, it went up so hard one day, it nearly split her in half! all the children laughed and cried, laughed and cried, laughed and cried, all the children laughed and cried, they almost pissed there strides! boy, this is a big subject isnt it!!!!! my, oh my, how long can you make one of these fucking things last? shit, i said fuck, fuck i said shit...have i said cunt yet?"
♥Take 2♥ "I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me."
♥Take 3♥ "What im looking for in female requirement system: Heart!!! And the best way to get to it is with a sharp knife. Also, she must be able to fart roses, toss salad well and not be afraid to burp the alphabet constantly during Sunday night bingo."
Shit....pickle. Pickle, pickle pickle, pickle shit shit pickle shit shit pickle, pickle PICKLE...shit. Shittttttttttttttttttttttttt pickle pickle-pickle-shit. (SHIT) pickle, pickle shit shitttttttttt pickleeeeeeeeeeee SHIT SHIT SHIT-SHIT. Pickle? Shit! Shit pickle pickle pickle pickle shit. shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shitttttttttttttttt pickle. PICKLE SHIT PICKLE SHIT, PICKLE-SHIT-SHIT....shit. Pickle shit shit pickle, pickle, shit shit, shit pickle;;; Pickle shit-shit, pickleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee shitttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt pickle pickle pickle, Pickle! "Pickle, Shit"; Pickle; shit shit. (shit Pickle) shit shit pickle pickle shit, pickle, shit pickle, shit shit shit SHIT shit shit SHIT shit shit, Shit pickle. Shit! Shit pickle pickle pickle pickle shit. shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shitttttttttttttttt pickle. PICKLE SHIT PICKLE SHIT, PICKLE-SHIT-SHIT....shit. Pickle shit shit pickle, pickle, shit shit, shit pickle.
Shit! Shit pickle pickle pickle pickle shit. shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shitttttttttttttttt pickle. PICKLE SHIT PICKLE SHIT, PICKLE-SHIT-SHIT....shit. Pickle shit shit pickle, pickle, shit shit, shit pickle. SHITTTTTTTTTTTT PICKLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE pickle pickle pickle SHIT.
Shit! Shit pickle pickle pickle pickle shit. shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shitttttttttttttttt pickle. PICKLE SHIT PICKLE SHIT, PICKLE-SHIT-SHIT....shit. Pickle shit shit pickle, pickle, shit shit, shit pickle.Shit! Shit pickle pickle pickle pickle shit. shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shitttttttttttttttt pickle. PICKLE SHIT PICKLE SHIT, PICKLE-SHIT-SHIT....shit. Pickle shit shit pickle, pickle, shit shit, shit pickle.Shit! Shit pickle pickle pickle pickle shit. shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shitttttttttttttttt pickle. PICKLE SHIT PICKLE SHIT, PICKLE-SHIT-SHIT....shit. Pickle shit shit pickle, pickle, shit shit, shit pickle.Shit! Shit pickle pickle pickle pickle shit. shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shitttttttttttttttt pickle. PICKLE SHIT PICKLE SHIT, PICKLE-SHIT-SHIT....shit. Pickle shit shit pickle, pickle, shit shit, shit pickle.
Today's Highlight:- Shit pickles.
I stumbled into the bathroom today, and as you know, this is a hospital that they keep us locked up in here, so the toilets are shared with many other but-fuck insane colleagues, so I went in for a piss, and what do I find? Shit over the inner rim of the bowl, as all of us men, or hermaphrodites, do when we see this, is follow the unwritten law to do our part for the environment by aiming our streams directly at the stuck feces to clean it off, or at least loosen it for the next guy piss it off. As I was doing my part for the community, I had a revelation; How does that shit get there in the first place? Call me crazy, but when I take a dump, my turd plops directly into the water, and sometimes it causes a ripple to splash water back up into my anus, which is a mystery that has riddled man since the time toilets where invented with water on the bottom, as to how that splash always manages to hit you back in the chocolate star fish with a direct bulls-eye to the very center. But that's not what I am wondering about, I am wondering how the hell someone can go for a pooh and manage to hit the sides?
Do they shit sideways or something? Is there some sort of positional aiming device inside there ass that I was never born with? When you take a slam-dump, how can your aim be so off you hit the rim? Am I special that I can take a crap and land a swish? My only thought on how they achieve this is they must be practicing Yoga on the toilet and only have one of their legs behind their head at the time of bombs away! The other conclusion of mine is that maybe they are a long distance shooter? Aiming there shot from the cubicle door is worth 3 points to them perhaps? But I have never seen any doing this, have you? It must be a secret sports league, perhaps run by the Free Masons? That must be it, I have uncovered the mystery and secret going on's of the Free Mason clan. That is the secret they have kept eluded away from society. It must be them, as I know for sure it also them who steal socks from laundry baskets leaving people never able to find a matching pair. I know it is them, for many years I was a suspect myself, but Batman caught them in the act and my innocence was restored.
What a Load of Red Bull
Today we went to a farm, it was nice to get out and smell the fresh cattle manure blowing in the breeze. The farmer told me his prize cow had just had a calf, which he said had taken a long time to do as the bull wouldn't mate with the cow. He said he finally received advice from another farmer who said what you need to do stick your fingers inside the cows vagina, rub it around a bit to get the juices flowing, then rub your fingers under the bulls nose and it will get turned on, and proceed to hump the cow... which it did, it worked like a charm, and the end result is a baby calf that he proudly displayed.
When we got back to head-quarters, I felt rather frisky myself at around 1am. I wondered if the same method the farmer explained would work on humans? So I wondered out of my room and down the hallway to see the night nurse, who was a beautiful thick blond bombshell with breasts that could make a Catholic Preach prefer them over little boys. She is always sleeping during her night shift, and tonight she was too. I quietly opened the door to her nurses station and found her asleep at the desk, laid back in her chair with her arms crossed and legs up on the desk. I wanted to make the mood romantic, so I switched off the lights, then I gently pried her legs apart slowly, then ran my hand down between her legs, I inserted my fingers and could feel her getting moister by the second. I then removed my fingers from her axe-wound then rubbed the juices under my nose. It does work! I felt randier then Micheal Jackson watching Sesame Street, my bulge was bursting to be freed, so I shook the nurse to wake her up to show her I wanted her right there and then, she woke up in a panic, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" she cried, I said, "I want to show you something". She reached over and turned the desk lamp on, then looked at me, then said, "You woke me up just to tell me you had a blood nose?" - sigh :(
Today's Highlight:- I'm Batman.
I'd eaten these rubbery lolly/candy things called a party mix. And 2 days later I was having trouble pooping them out. My turd felt I was pushing out a tennis balls though something the size of a penny. I was pushing and squeezing but it wouldn't come out. So i was using some toilet paper on my fingers to maybe pinch it to help it, but that didn't work. So I ended up having to stick my fingers up my ass and try to mush it up, but even that failed to work as my turd felt as hard as rubber, i was already prairie-doggin', so i couldn't get up and walk out of the bathroom with half a log hanging out my ass to fetch a stick or some sort of utensil to chop the turd up in my butt, so I had no choice but to just try and squeeze as hard as I could and make it come out of there. So I took a deep breath and pushed, and after several minutes, i'm glad to tell you... it was a boy! Too bad I never got to see him, he hid under the toiler paper and I wasn't going fishing... even tho I already had doodie on my fingers, but the feeling of watered down piss? No thanks. So he was flushed away and I was happy to think of him later on that day when I dropped my first post fart.
Bottom Ten Things That Piss Me Off
- People who say "I could care less"... the correct term is COULDN'T care less... if you say you COULD care less, then you could actually care a little less then you do about what you are saying you do not care about, where as if you say you couldn't care less, then you have no where further to go on how much you don't care about what it is you don't care about.
- People who say "Epic Fail" - You sound like faggots, stop saying it. It's as retarded as all those girls who take photos of themselves by turning their heads to the side and puckering their lips. It's just dumb, it's not sexy, stop doing it.
- Lesbians who use strap-on's in porno movies & act like they enjoy having it sucked WTF is all that about? She has a prosthetic dick attached her groin, and some other whore is stupid enough as it is to act like she's enjoying sucking off a hunk of plastic, yet the giver is acting like she can feel the fake dick being sucked off and it's giving her pleasure??? what the fuck is all that about? Do women always fake-it so unconvincingly like that in the real world?
- Porno Movie Story Plots who writes this shit? A woman goes into K-mart to buy a toothbrush and figures while she's waiting in the checkout line, she may as well blow someone... why does that never happen when I go to K-Mart? I am suing porno movie writers for false advertising right after I get done suing Hue Hefner for giving me carpel-tunnel in my wrists.
Today's Highlight: I produced a fart that smelled like that smell of a scab after you take a band-aid off that's been on it for a few days.