Life under the sea would be great if you were an aquarium, but your not, so avoid bullets, being stabbed and walking into chainsaws today. The signs also denote an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real bloody weirdo, the type of person who'd kill yourself to win a bet. You may also have a birthday at the end of January or the start of February... if not, you're probably not a fucking Aquarius.
Bad luck today I'm afraid, You shouldn't have eaten all that junk last night, because your going to be puking it up all day! You have a businesslike attitude and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relatives limbs to buy a mobile/cell phone. You are likely to be murdered. Your cosmic ability to be disappointed is a universal high as you discover your astrological sign is two stinking fuckin' fish that swim around in there own piss & shit.
The sign of the ram, you will find love halfway up a mountainside in New Zealand! The air is clean in your wind pipe today, share it with friends and loved ones, ask them to pull your finger! You are the adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the I.Q of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most of you live on the welfare.
The sign of the bull, beware of little Spanish cunts waving red sheets at you. And be aware that because Jupiter, your ruling planet is shifting away, it will bring you good luck, and it is now safe to start fucking pigs again! As an Aries you tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a shit about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care less. Your the type of person that would masturbate at a funeral.
Now is a good time to pull the plug on that sick grandma in a coma and collect the benefits! You are a warm and caring person, they are your most enduring characteristics. You get on well with most people because you are bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and constantly smell of piss.
What a bitch, you may have cancer, you may have crabs, but either way, kiss your pubes goodbye! This is a good day to clean out all those pornography photos you have hidden on your computer, the FBI is closing in and cracking down on you, so act fast! You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them, but you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap ass son of a bitch. Cancer men are usually queers and the majority of women are lying cheating fucking whores, but you may as well fuck your brains out while you can cause you'll be dead by next Tuesday..
Nardo DiCaprio is such a girls dick. if you agree then luck is in your stars, if you enjoyed Titanic then you deserve to be puked on by a Pisces! You are very much the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron in the world. You will continually fail. You're a prick and no one will attend you're funeral.
The sign of the virgin.... it's going to suck for you this week when all your friends are talking about how they got fucked doggy style on the weekend and you're going to feel left out cause you don't have a fucking clue what there talking about. become a slut-go today. your lucky numbers are 1-800., 0055. You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you an asshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out you. And you will have ugly children.Your ideal sex partner is a transvestite with a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet stockings.
Tough break having your zodiac name the same name as a brand of tampons! least if you buy some Libra Fleers you will have extra wings better then Red Bull can supply and can now fly up to that window of that person you have been perving on in the early hours of the morning!! As a Libra you represent justice, so be sure to kick the shit out of those who owe you money and club those drug addicts over the head with your gavels.
Add an "N" and you would have scorpion! Which has absolutely nothing to do with your zodiac today. You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However those are you're only decent qualities. You screw animals, and love picking your nose. A good job for you would be a stunt performer with no helmet. And those warts on your crotch are not going to go away by themselves. Seek medical attention. And when you're at the vet, ask them for a stronger medication.
Being the sign of the half horse half man may make some cocky bastards thing it represents there dick, but in real fact, you're up shit creek if someone ever fucking shot the bastard cause you wouldn't know weather to take him to the hospital or the fuckin' vet. Pluto will bang into Uranus and break through Saturn's ring causing a milky way in the black hole! You are a romantic, soft hearted and a lover of arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. Usually on tests where it asks if you are Male or Female set out as saying, "Sex" you usually respond with, "Yes please" and you enjoy trying to lick your own genitals.
You are the luckiest sign of all, your luck will bring you great luck today, unless you read everyone else's star sign's in which its bad luck to read other star signs other then your own, as goes for ALL the signs, in which you will suffer an agonizing and painful day of breaking your leg and being stuck in front of the TV watching a Bob Sagat marathon! Being a Capricorn you represent the goat, so don't be surprised to be milked this week & listen out carefully for zipper's being pulled undone, especially if you live in New Zealand or Arkansas.