User:Matthlock/Barnes Been Beyond Before But Believe Barnes, Barnes Being Bolmontious Bout Being There 2: BED, BARNES & BEYOND

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“Where humor is concerned, there are no standards — no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. Only a very foolish man will use a form of language that is wholly uncertain in its effect. That is the nature of humor.”

“I knew a Modusoperandi once, good fella...big guy, head like a beach ball. Enjoyed eating grapes, if memory serves...”

~ Anonymous on Modusoperandi

“I'm a cowboy...on a seahorse I ride, 'cause I'm wanted (wanted). Dead or alive”

~ Modusoperandi on Modusoperandi

“There is a fine line between intelligence and an undying knowledge of worthless facts. Although I don't know if I possess the first, I know for certain that I possess the latter.”

~ Matthlock on intelligence

“Such a pretty ass, such a pretty girl. (Such a pretty house, such a pretty garden.)”

File:Cobain smoking.jpg
"Stop ripping off my quotes!"

“There is plenty of Hühnerfleisch in the Kühlschrank. (There is plenty of chicken in the fridge.)”

~ Kurt Cobain on August 27, 1991

“We're waiting for the dinosaurs to die out. They will die. And then we'll move into their homes.”

~ Kurt Cobain on February 14, 1992

“I spent all of my life trying to stay away from sports and here I am in a sporting arena.”

~ Kurt Cobain on December 30, 1993

“OK, you trained monkeys, everybody jump up and down. Let's bring back the good old pogo!”

~ Kurt Cobain on December 31, 1993

“This song is dedicated to Frank Zappa, and River Phoenix, Fred Gwynne who played Herman Munster, Dixie Lee Ray, Thomas P, Tip O'Neill, and you, dumbass, who just threw water on me.”

~ Kurt Cobain on January 7, 1994

“I wish you would stop stealing dead people's quotes.”

~ Kurt Cobain on July 26, 2012

“Today I will once more be a prophet: If the international protocol financiers in and outside Uncyclopedia should succeed in plunging these pages once more into a revert war, then the result will not be the ruination of these pages, and thus the victory of the Vandal, but the very annihilation of the Vandal in Uncyclopedia!”

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“Wikipedia hasn't heard of you. Neither have we.”

~ ChiefjusticeDS on being a dick
Mr. T says, "I pity these fools, 'cause they don't quit their jobs you crack smoking whore jibbajabba!"

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“I ain't no computer hacker!”

“I believe in the Golden Rule - The Man with the Gold... rules.”

“It takes a smart guy to play dumb.”

~ Mr. T on intelligence

“I remember one time I tried to pity this fool. He told me his name was Jeff. He was married. He pulled out his wallet and showed me three pictures of his kids; Kelly, Robert, Brittany. Real cute kids. Don't get too close man. It's hard to pity a fool if you get too close.”

“I pity the university for not giving T enough time. You know I got all duded up, got dressed, the students were all ready for me, then they gave me short time. So I pity them. So if they want to be unpitied, they'll invite me back and give me more time.”

~ Mr. T on UCLA

“I think about my father being called 'boy,' my uncle being called 'boy,' my brother, coming back from Vietnam and being called 'boy.' So I questioned myself: 'What does a black man have to do before he's given the respect as a man?' So when I was 18 years old, when I was old enough to fight and die for my country, old enough to drink, old enough to vote, I said I was old enough to be called a man. I self-ordained myself Mr. T so the first word out of everybody's mouth is 'Mr.' That's a sign of respect that my father didn't get, that my brother didn't get, that my mother didn't get.”

~ Mr. T on males

“Love is a verb... and verbs show action.”

~ Mr. T on love

“You gonna lose a deal over $35? Thats chump change! My lunch cost $35!”

“Hey foo, this ain't no football game!”

“Do you know me? Of course you do. 'Cause I'm famous!”

“Shut up Murdoch, crazy fool!”

“content was: 'The Bravery are a really fucking god awful band with bad haircuts. I wish they didn't make music.'”

~ Some dick on the Bravery

“But nothing's unconditional.”

“I thought the symbol of English pride was the Sex Pistols!”

~ Matthlock on pride

“Not bad.”

“I'm Croatian.”

~ Dream Pac-Man on Non-canonical stuff

“A long time friendly, disturbing, creepy, dirty, often autistic admin.”

“It's so warm and gooey. It's a great drink on a cold autumn day.”

“Boo Uncyclopedia. Boo this site. 5 years of dread.”

“At one point in time, I went to the bathroom, locked the door, rubbed lotion onto the tail end of a plunger, and inserted it into my anus. Proceeding from there, I stuck it up against the wall so that I would have to bend over as the plunger repeatedly went in and out of my anus. I derived great pleasure from doing this and masturbating simultaneously. Of course, before and after this activity I rigorously sterilized the plunger end and my hands. I made sure to neither insert the plunger in deeper than was comfortable nor do the activity immediately before or after having a bowel movement. Recently I have stopped this practice for health reasons. It is a well known fact that circumcision decreases sensitivity and hence pleasure in the penis, so I believe that, being circumcised, it is perfectly normal to experiment with masturbation techniques that could augment the pleasure. Thus, this website is not so weird when one considers its overall mission, that is, to make the masturbation experience of boys from 4-12 more enjoyable and fulfilling- without getting caught looking at videos of Grandma and Grandpa Smith mutilating a young girl's vagina whilst engaging in anal sex with a shemale. :)”

“I can't speak it but I believe it's a beautiful language.”

~ Matthlock on Arabic

“I'd probably ride my bike over to McDonalds and buy myself a one-dollar McChicken if I didn't find myself trapped to Uncyclopedia at the current moment.”

~ Matthlock on his plans

“The red Power Ranger's gay!”

Is the red ranger gay or what?

Dude, this is the feeble sequel for User:Matthlock/Barnes Been Beyond Before But Believe Barnes, Barnes Being Bolmontious Bout Being There. Enjoy!

So there I was[edit]

warming up for a Paris, doing my Heart thing with the Gym shit and the Mountain, right? Like, John Prescott urine shit.

and this fucking Penis[edit]

bursts out of my fucking boxer shorts, semen all over the place, and instead of going for a Kate Bush, it makes fellatio straight for my mouth. Like WTF?

so I pulled out my[edit]

testicles and finally got to give myself a blowjob for the first time ever, after years and years of trying (seriously!), and they try to sexual intercourse me from the gym! WTF?

I barely got away with a major Ejaculation and a flaccid corpus cavernosum.

No, seriously.[edit]

Courtney Love killed Kurt Cobain.

Other stuff[edit]

RAHB

Taxes[edit]

Omg Mega Tax Evasion
Omg Mega Tax Evasion
Omg Mega Tax Evasion
Omg Mega Tax Evasion
Omg Mega Tax Evasion
Omg Mega Tax Evasion
Omg Mega Tax Evasion


Admins[edit]

We are Admins. We are active. We know where you live. We know where your wife lives. We know your pet hamster. Intimately.

The Following list of sysops tend to respond when asked to help. The rest of them are either dead, missing in action, or undergoing a sex change operation as we speak.

MEMORABLE LINES[edit]

BRUCE WAYNE (on the Batmobile, to Lucius): Does it come in black?

JIM GORDON (on the Batmobile, staring at the Batmobile): I’ve gotta get me one of those.

Your brother[edit]

Considering that both you and I were adopted by Frosty on the Adopt-A-Noob program, I can say we're like brothers. Welcome aboard! I normally dislike the English but considering that we're both adopted Frosty (and born in the same decade), I can put aside our differences for the good of universal brotherhood.

So welcome to the machine! Welcome to the machine.jpg User:Matthlock/sig2 20:33, July 20, 2012 (UTC)

I hate the British too, fuck the British they are their own enemy I always say! Or always think or something like that. And yes hello whatever your name is. --User:MasterWangs/Sig 07:24, July 22, 2012 (UTC)
It is Matthlock. A portmanteau mix of Matthew (my name) and Matlock. A British Anglophobe, I see. Well, we are different but the same in that manner. User:Matthlock/sig2 16:58, July 25, 2012 (UTC)
Yes, I suppose we are. --User:MasterWangs/Sig 11:01, July 26, 2012 (UTC)

When I got home[edit]

This is a drawing of my girlfriend. She's not a video game character! God! You're an idiot if you think I'm lying! How could she be a video game character if she's Canadian?! Idiot!

When I got home, my mommy was all, "Honey! Sweep the living room!" My name is John, not Honey! Honey is something bees make! God, what an idiot! Then, I was all, "Charlene! Where's the broom!?", and she started yelling at me for calling her Charlene. God! That's her name. What an idiot! *sniff* Yuck! Did you fart?! God! What an idiot!

Then Sting came home and told me he was leaving my mom, and I was, "Duh! You leave everyday when you go to work! You're an idiot!" Then he punched me. He's so stupid. He told me while my Dad was punching me, but he punched me! God, he's an idiot!

So anyway, I got on the computer and Google'd "Man fucking appliances" cause my girlfriend couldn't come over and have hot, steamy sex with me today cause She doesn't exist. My girlfriend is so hot, man. She's hotter than Huey Lewis! I think it's because she's Canadian. You're an idiot if you don't believe me! So yeah, this video came up of a guy dry-humping an electrical water heater. God! What an idiot! Everyone knows gas-heated water heaters do a better job warming the water evenly! That Dennis Miller was an idiot! I swear to God! I posted a link on Wikipedia to a Goa Tse cause it's funny! I got banned from posting. God, those guys are idiots! Where is their sense of humour?!

UnPoetia:Ronald Mcdonald[edit]

This poem is an ode to her beloved husband, Ronald Mcdonald, by P. T. Cruiser

"How dear my lovely Ronald,


The mascot of Mcdonald,


How I love my Ronald,


Every single day.

With his pale face and,


His fluffy red hair,


That's my Ronald,


We are a pair.

We are best friends,


Will be until the end,


Me and Ronald,


The mascot of Mcdonald.

We will be best friends,


Until our divorce,


Which I believe is,


A driving force."

Only u can understand this ABSOLUTE MASTERPIECE OF VANDAL-HUMOUR. Am wastin' my time with this vanker-wikipedists[edit]

DEDICATED TO OUR LOVE DOGGY! :-*** --Vandal-Patroller (talk) 01:15, April 29, 2012 (UTC)

HOW MANY VFD MUST A MAN CREATE DOWN

BEFORE YOU CALL HIM A WANKER?

HOW MANY PAGES MUST A BLANKER DOVE BLANK

BEFORE HE SLEEPS IN K-LINE?

YES AND HOW MANY TIMES MUST THE RANGEBLOCK FLY

BEFORE YOU'RE FOREVER BANNED

THE ANSWER MY FRIEND IS BLOWING IN THE JOB

THE ANSWER IS BLOWING IN THE JOB


Hot Rats[edit]

Aside from the experimental side project Lumpy Gravy, Hot Rats was the first album Frank Zappa recorded as a solo artist sans the Mothers, though he continued to employ previous musical collaborators, most notably multi-instrumentalist Ian Underwood. Other than another side project -- the doo wop tribute Cruising With Ruben and the Jets -- Hot Rats was also the first time Zappa focused his efforts in one general area, namely jazz-rock. The result is a classic of the genre. Hot Rats' genius lies in the way it fuses the compositional sophistication of jazz with rock's down-and-dirty attitude -- there's a real looseness and grit to the three lengthy jams, and a surprising, wry elegance to the three shorter, tightly arranged numbers (particularly the sumptuous "Peaches en Regalia"). Perhaps the biggest revelation isn't the straightforward presentation, or the intricately shifting instrumental voices in Zappa's arrangements -- it's his own virtuosity on the electric guitar, recorded during extended improvisational workouts for the first time here. His wonderfully scuzzy, distorted tone is an especially good fit on "Willie the Pimp," with its greasy blues riffs and guest vocalist Captain Beefheart's Howlin' Wolf theatrics. Elsewhere, his skill as a melodist was in full flower, whether dominating an entire piece or providing a memorable theme as a jumping-off point. In addition to Underwood, the backing band featured contributions from Jean-Luc Ponty, Lowell George, and Don "Sugarcane" Harris, among others; still, Zappa is unquestionably the star of the show. Hot Rats still sizzles; few albums originating on the rock side of jazz-rock fusion flowed so freely between both sides of the equation, or achieved such unwavering excitement and energy. ~ Steve Huey, All Music Guide

Track List:

  1. Peaches en Regalia
  2. Willie the Pimp
  3. Son of Mr. Green Genes
  4. Little Umbrellas
  5. The Gumbo Variations
  6. It Must Be a Camel

Copyright © All Media Guide, LLC, used with permission.

Earth to Skullthumper[edit]

File:Joel.JPG
Yeah, my friend Joel sure was a laugh riot.

This is last warning, Skullthumper. Archvie your talk page now, or I will have to archive it for you. And don't make me do that! Move your talk page now, or I will have to put this problem up with somebody else.

Also, on a more lighthearted note, I'm glad you enjoyed the question I asked you on Formspring. I'm really happy you featured it on your userpage. It was just a question that came out from one of the myriad goofy conversations I had with my friend Joel. He and I have had the most ridiculous talks ever; and I am personally amazed that I've got passing grades in any classes I had with him.

But more importantly, MOVE YOUR TALK PAGE NOW. Matthlock Talk to me! I want to be Noob of the Month! Follow the yellow-eyed eagle to see what I've done for Uncyclopedia Check me out on Wikipedia! Daddy? Is that you? Bollywood! See what's new in the world today If you think I should be fired, follow this greedy dude One of my best friends was born in this country! (No joke) Visit the main page Visit me on Wookieepedia! I need some help with this article Check me out on the Final Fantasy wiki also! See me on Illogicopedia as well! Sandinista! Talk to me on Wikipedia! Follow the German to view my unusual musical tastes All hail the Grand Land of Quebec! 23:19, June 27, 2012 (UTC)

  1. You have no authority to order someone to archive their talkpage, let alone to do it for them.
  2. Dr. Skullthumper has been inactive lately, as should be obvious from the timespan between the above two unanswered posts. You shouldn't expect people to do things (e.g. archive their talkpage) when they're clearly absent from the wiki. Sir SockySexy girls.jpg Mermaid with dolphin.jpg Tired Marilyn Monroe.jpg (talk) (stalk)Magnemite.gif Icons-flag-be.png GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY 23:32, 27 June 2012

I remember getting kidnapped by those dogs and having a howling good time with them![edit]

All in all, it's been a great summer.

Fame[edit]

He rather quickly became the bitch of Cannon Film, a studio specializing in the production of D action movie. Reportedly, they were impressed by his fighting style, which they said "could easily fuck up any Asian that came around the place." This statement was in stark contrast to his first movie, where he played the villain opposite Bruce Lee (and got predictably pwned). However, ignoring this blatant inconsistency, their analysis of him proved to be extremely lucrative. From 1977 to the late 1980s, he starred in multiple blockbuster movies, including the movie version of HowTo:Write the Great American Novel.

However, though it took about five years too many, people finally started catching on that all of these movies were redundancy. Sales plummeted almost instantly, and Cannon Films soon filed Contents (Nonsense) 11 bankruptcy. Unwilling to return to his dual job as a karaoke singer moonlighting as an Asian prostitute, he made more box-office flops for minimal gain. Finally, he fell the final rung, and was back where he started. Sinking into drink and picking Random Page barfights for cash, Norris seemed to have hit rock arse. However, during one particularly drunken spell in which he began spewing anti-Semitic remarks, he got offered the job that would HowTo:Beat the Odds.

That job was the role of Cordell Walker on the Christian-themed Walker, Texas Ranger. Borrowing from the format of his famous movies of yore, the Chuck-centered TV followed a familiar formula. The variations were so slight that, were it not for the fake South motif he affected ever-so-subtly, it would be indistinguishable from such films as Redundancy, Redundant, Sequel, and Musical. Despite this, the show won multiple religion-related awards for wholesomeness and morality, and ran for eight successful seasons.

Humor Theory Recommendations from Anonymous[edit]

You're a musician[edit]

How would you like to help me with the lyrics with a song I'm writing? People liked it so far, but I didn't know where to take after the first five lines.

Here goes:

Hey there ladies!


Do you wanna blow me?


Do you wanna lay me?


Do you wanna grind me?


Do you wanna pay me?


That's all I got. Any ideas? User:Matthlock/sig2 21:51, July 19, 2012 (UTC)

Methinks it needs a kazoo in it. ~[ths] the magic! My Farticles. Qaplá'! Gobshite of the Month March 2012 00:07, 07/20/2012

Fuck your garden is now on VFH[edit]

You can vote for your article if you want to. I did the nom! :) User:Matthlock/sig2 20:04, July 5, 2012 (UTC)

Also, on an unrelated note, what's the name of the song that's playing in the background of your Break-up letter audio? User:Matthlock/sig2 20:15, July 5, 2012 (UTC)
I believe that's Creedence Clearwater Revival's Someday Never Comes.
Well, I'm here to tell you now
each and ev'ry mother's son
You better learn it fast
You better learn it young
'cause someday never comes ~BetterThanYouAtEverything (speak) Jul 6, '12 1:14am
Ah man! I LOVE CREEDENCE! They are so much better than the Eagles. User:Matthlock/sig2 20:23, July 6, 2012 (UTC)
'I hate the fuckin' Eagles, man!'
User:Matthlock/sig2 20:24, July 6, 2012 (UTC)
Matt, you are a man after my own Lebowski-loving, Creedence-listening, long hair-having heart :) -RAHB 21:15, July 6, 2012 (UTC)
Hey thanks man! Oh yeah, I made a new forum if you are interested in any way. User:Matthlock/sig2 21:53, July 6, 2012 (UTC)

Accusation of rape[edit]

In March 1999, a 19-year-old woman filed a police report accusing Brock of rape. The allegations started right before Modest Mouse was to begin a nationwide tour with Seattle garage punk band Murder City Devils. The allegations led to an alleged fist fight between members of the Murder City Devils and Isaac Brock, after which Brock reportedly moved to Gainesville, Florida.[1] Charges were never pressed, and Brock maintains his innocence.[2] In a 2004 interview with The A.V. Club,[2] he claimed:

Cquote1.png It's an allegation that was withdrawn, and of course that didn't get any press. It was complete and utter bullshit, and the whole situation was so complicated that it's hard for me to go into lots of detail. At the time, I figured I'd just shut up and give this young lady enough rope to hang herself, you know? It fucked up my life once, and I'd prefer to just let it go.... Before this all happened, I never believed that anyone would lie about rape. That was my stance: No one lies about this shit. It really made me have to adjust my entire view of people, politics, and my own personal politics. I used to be like, "Kill rapists!" And all of a sudden I have this false allegation against me. I remember totally writing people off that I'd heard had even been in just awkward sexual situations with girls, like "That guy's a fucking prick, I'll never talk to him again." It was weird being on the receiving end of that. A friend of mine who's actually friends with that girl recently told me that she had totally withdrawn having said anything. I only just found out about that myself in the last six months. I knew that basically everyone, up to and including the police, was like, "This is bullshit." This person changed her story depending on who she was talking to. It was really just this fucked-up, weird thing. Cquote2.png

—Isaac Brock, The A.V. Club

Everybody Hates James [4.9] 11-28-2008[edit]

Rochelle: Hello. Thank you for calling. Nobody is available to take your call right now. Please leave a message at the sound of the beep.

Rochelle: What's this?
Narrator: Flowers from a white person's garden.

Narrator: Tryin' to find a black kid in Bed-Stuy was like tryin' to find a needle in a needle stack.

Narrator: Just because James didn't want a Brother from Another Mother, didn't mean he wasn't gettin' one.

Mr. Perkins: 3:00 P.M. See you tomorrow.
Narrator: No he won't.

Narrator: James was tough, but he was still 12.

Rochelle: Who the hell is Oprah?
Narrator: That was the last time those words were ever spoken.

Rochelle: Oprah doesn't know what I look like without my makeup!
Narrator: And neither did my father.

James: I'm not pettin' no farm animals.
Narrator: He was also allergic to goats.

Julius: Did you just pick our lock with a credit card?
Jerome: This? Nah, this was an accident. I thought this was my house.
Chris: You live across the street.
Jerome: Sorry man, I'm dyslexic.

Narrator: After all was said and done, I found out a few things about James. His real name was Cleavon, he was raised by the streets, and he was still a 12-year-old kid.

Narrator: I already had a younger brother from the same mother. The last thing I wanted was one from another mother.
Mr. Perkins: Being a Brother from Another Mother is a huge responsibility. Your influence is molding a mind, changing the course of a life.
Narrator: You could say the same thing about crack.

Rochelle: If nothing's wrong, then why are you bringin' me flowers?
Julius: I'm just tryin' to treat you the way I would wanna be treated if I was married to me.
Narrator: Now legal in California.

Question, Lyrithya[edit]

I apologize for sounding rude, but are you from the South, Lyrithya? User:Matthlock/sig2 20:12, July 17, 2012 (UTC)

I am south of something, yes. ~ Isarra *shifty eyes* 01:18, 18 July 2012
To me, you're all Northerners. (Except Joey Numbers. Damned Southerner.) User:PuppyOnTheRadio/sig3

Wow[edit]

Are you from Georgia (the country)? Amazing! Georgia (the country) is my dream vacation! User:Matthlock/sig2 18:32, July 27, 2012 (UTC)

Technically I'm American, but my entire family is Georgian and I consider my self a Georgian too. That's awesome, always nice to hear that someone know about (and likes) my country. Have you visited before? --User:Oliphaunte/sig2 19:32, July 27, 2012 (UTC)
No, but I'd love to. When most people think of Georgia, they think of peaches and Savannah and stuff right, when I think of Georgia I think of Tbilisi and Stalin and soaking up in the Black Sea sun. Yeah, Georgia is totally my dream vacation. User:Matthlock/sig2 18:22, July 28, 2012 (UTC)
Don't forget the fantastic snow mountains for skiing. You should definitely go when you get the chance, the place has improved significantly over the past decade. Anytime in the season is a great time to go, except I like it more when the grape harvest is over. Lots of wine around that time. --User:Oliphaunte/sig2 18:45, July 28, 2012 (UTC)
Awesome. Probably my biggest obstacles in going to some place far away is the fact that I don't even have any money and the fact that I don't even have a passport, but once I get those two things, I'll definitely go to Georgia, or someplace of its likeness. User:Matthlock/sig2 20:41, July 28, 2012 (UTC)
Ah yes, those are quite some obstacles. Hope you can head over sooner rathe than later, let me know how you like it! --User:Oliphaunte/sig2 03:58, July 30, 2012 (UTC)
How I like what? User:Matthlock/sig2 17:22, July 31, 2012 (UTC)
Georgia. If you ever get a chance to go. --User:Oliphaunte/sig2 15:55, August 1, 2012 (UTC)
Oh okay, I can do that. User:Matthlock/sig2 18:25, August 1, 2012 (UTC)

Qzekrom[edit]

FUCK THE BRITISH! Get that fag flag off your userpage. User:Matthlock/sig2 17:21, July 31, 2012 (UTC)

"Congress shall make no law... abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press." I'm just trying to be an asshat to the IOC. If you want to find out more, check out #nbcfail on Twitter or G+. ~ User:Qzekrom/sig7 23:43, July 31, 2012 (UTC)
ChiefJusticeDS is a Brit, and if he hears you, you'll get banned from him. Also, we have our own fail page dedicated for Australians. 800px-Flag of the Philippines svg.png | King Joseph® GiratinaOriginForme.png | Contact Goa Tse Clan Priest | Goa Tse Clan Sign Up | Rouge.gif | 06:41, August 1, 2012 (UTC)
The IOC is a bunch of asshats when it comes to intellectual property. If you don't want us to get taken off the net, stop flying that fucking flag. 68.173.113.106 13:55, August 1, 2012 (UTC)
You're an asshat when it comes to intellectual property, IP. Kindly fuck off. ~ User:Qzekrom/sig7 13:57, August 1, 2012 (UTC)
Said IP is probably unaware that we are hosted on US servers and as such not bound by UK law that have been enacted to get around international IP laws in relationship to the 0l¥m1c5. User:PuppyOnTheRadio/sig3
No law - including US, UK and Easter Island law - gives a fuck about Uncyclopedia userpages. What is amusing is your "Terms of Use" which is the least enforcable load of bollocks I've ever read. mAttlobster. (hello) 08:41, August 2, 2012 (UTC)
My "Terms of Use" is supposed to satire stuff that companies with websites try to make you do (or not do), such as not linking to their websites. ~ User:Qzekrom/sig7 14:59, August 2, 2012 (UTC)

I'm planning on writing this article[edit]

It's about a man being harassed by a dentist from Afghanistan. However, I'm uncertain if it should be a regular article or an UnScript. There will be some parts in my work that are going to be very dialogue-driven so I'm thinking it should be an UnScript, but on the other hand, there are other parts that are going to be spoken by the main character only; and likewise, there'll be some parts that are solely the Afghan dentist's monologue and explanation.

So I'm thinking UnScripts probably but I am uncertain. What do you think?

(Also can you run over to McDonalds and get me a McChicken? I'm real hungry for one right now.) User:Matthlock/sig2 20:19, July 26, 2012 (UTC)

You missed my first message but that's all right[edit]

Besides that article idea, tell me what you think of these ideas.

  1. I'm planning on writing an article on Last Man Standing. I'm definitely going to write it in the style of Tim Allen's character. If you haven't heard of the show, I recommend you read up on it and watch a couple of episodes to get the gist of it.
  2. I'm also planning on this article. It's more of an idea right now. It's called Absolutely Polandtastic. I got that idea when I was eating kielbasa and pierogies last night. I think it could work, once I get a full grasp on what I'm going to write for that article plan.
  3. Also, have you read up on my message about my article idea about an Afghan dentist?

User:Matthlock/sig2 17:27, August 2, 2012 (UTC)

Sorry to have missed the message bro! Yes, I think Unscipt would work best for that, and I think the "Last Man Standing" article is a great idea! I'm not sure about the Polandtastic thing, but I like the way you got the idea LOL Talk Mattsnow 17:31, August 2, 2012 (UTC)

User:RAHB/Frank Zappa[edit]

I read your bit on Zappa. Seems pretty straightforward. I don't know much about him (although my dad's crazy for him). I do, however, currently have Apostrophe (') on hold at the library, although it seems as though it's not coming anytime soon. But once I got a hold on everything and have all the materials needed, I'll probably do the re-write on Zappa. User:Matthlock/sig2 17:18, July 31, 2012 (UTC)

Most of what's on that page isn't actually "my bit on Zappa". It's in my userspace because it's just a list of ideas and then a bunch of stuff that I lifted from the current revision (which I had nothing to do with) in the hopes of properly rewriting the article into something genuinely amusing and also befitting of the man himself. Be my guest at doing the rewrite, since I've been stalling on it, mainly because of perfectionism. I must say though, it's probably going to take a lot more research than simply the most commercially successful of his 91 albums in order to paint a terribly accurate picture :P -RAHB 19:54, July 31, 2012 (UTC)
Okay. Also I currently got the Real Frank Zappa book on hold as well. Would you also recommend watching bits from 200 Motels to be helpful to get an idea? User:Matthlock/sig2 17:37, August 3, 2012 (UTC)
Oh, dude, yes. The Real Frank Zappa book is probably the best reference you could possibly have. I recommend reading it for writing the article, but I also just recommend reading it for enjoyment in general because it's a hell of a book. 200 Motels would also be excellent to watch because it depicts a lot of Frank's ideas of what touring and being a professional musician are like. Beyond that, both are pretty damn funny in my opinion. Unfortunately 200 Motels is hard to get a hold of because the masters were destroyed by the production company a long time ago and there's currently no DVD release, but there are a number of video rips on various internet sites and the like. Those would be excellent. -RAHB 01:05, August 4, 2012 (UTC)

With Teeth[edit]

TreИt, iИ his iИsaИity, ripped out his owИ teeth aИd attached them to aИ electric razor, much like the ИiИe IИch Иails razor, and used the razor to cut himself to death. We're Иot exactly sure why he used his teeth; clearly this was a deeply symbolic act entreИched in dark overtoИes, depictiИg the tragic fall of a maИ. That or we was so Bat Fuck Insane that he just felt like rippiИg out his owИ teeth[3].

After TreИt's death, Johnny Cash payed tribute to TreИt's jiИgle-writing legacy by coveriИg one of TreИt's soИgs, "Hurt". Twilight Zone. Upon heariИg that JohИИy had played her graИsoИ's soИg without permissioИ, GraИdmother RezИor took him to court on behalf of her soИ. JohИИy's childreИ theИ weИt to court oИ behalf of their father. IИ aИ iroИic twist, it became the world's first legal proceediИg to be fought betweeИ two dead people. This very battle rages to this day.

These messages were sent while you were offline.[edit]

12:31 PM Miau: You... DIED! :( 12:34 PM Boo-hoo-hoo!


10 minutes

12:45 PM Miau: And we were just having the greatest time...

 Wait a min, you're spying me huh?
 BUSTED!

12:46 PM Pretending to be offline... Clever.

 Damn.
 And I thought so.


6 minutes

12:53 PM Miau: Whatever, call me in Uncyc if you need me! But fast then, I'm going to sleep soon.


XrayLhand.gif
This user is left-handed.
In Latin they would be sinister.
(List of left-handed Uncyclopedians)





For all those left handers out there. Based on the wikipedia template. I'm not sure how to make it automatically add names to the category like:

Finder.png This user is a Mac User.
Eat up.
(List of Mac-Using Uncyclopedians)

does. Could someone with a bit more ability please do that? http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/e/e8/Tuck99sig.pnghttp://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/5/57/Tuckdotsmall.jpg Tuck99 04:07, 2 December 2006 (UTC)

  • There you go. I am flattered that my MacUser template is your idea of how a template should look. --Sir Zombiebaron 09:15, 2 December 2006 (UTC)
    • resized x ray img to 45px X 45px. -- mowgli 09:51, 2 December 2006 (UTC)
  • thanks guys Tuck99sig.pngTuckdotsmall.jpg 05:35, 3 December 2006 (UTC)


Ooh ooh ooh! May I suggest the obvious alternative 'This user is right-handed; in Latin they would be Dexter', accompanied by this image?

I am always right!

Dutchy 12:33, 4 December 2006 (UTC)

I think you needs the image on the other side with the text on the left, since it's a left handed template as well as a template for left handed people (does that make sense?) love, gustav talk at menope 01:33, 11 December 2006 (UTC)

  • For 90% of the population:
This user is right-handed.

In Latin they would be Dexter.

Dexter.jpg


(will automatically be placed to the right of the page)Tuck99sig.pngTuckdotsmall.jpg 07:26, 20 December 2006 (UTC)

All this talk of left-handedness has inspired me to create a template that is totally irrelevant to the discussion in all manners[edit]

Baphomet.jpg
This user walks down the
left hand path
.
Thus, they would be considered evil by the Catholic Church.
(List of left hand path Uncyclopedians)

--General Insineratehymn 21:32, 21 December 2006 (UTC)

Ahem[edit]

What about ambidextrous users? Do we have to put both templates on our userpage?


I prefer a pislexic sbell checker. --HPSig.PNGHP talk KUN.png Icons-flag-pi.PNG 07:02, 30 December 2006 (UTC)
All this talk of satanists & dyslexics reminds me of the dyslexic satanist who sold his soul to santa. Tuck99sig.pngTuckdotsmall.jpg 05:39, 6 January 2007 (UTC)

I could easily implement that darn infinite for template to destroy all templates here. :) - Rougethebat.gifAdmiral Enzo Aquarius-Dial the Gate SonicLivesPicture.png 03:49, 14 March 2008 (UTC)
Unless it really needs a response, god damn you!! Ahhhh! Spang talk 05:31, 14 Mar 2008
That was actually the IP's fault. - P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon Baloon.gif(Tick Tock) (Contribs) 10:36, Mar 14

Blue Öyster Cult[edit]

Blue Öyster Cult was the thinking man's heavy metal group. Put together on a college campus by a couple of rock critics, it maintained a close relationship with a series of literary figures (often in the fields of science fiction and horror), including Eric Von Lustbader, Patti Smith, Michael Moorcock, and Stephen King, while turning out some of the more listenable metal music of the early and mid-'70s. The band that became Blue Öyster Cult was organized in 1967 at Stony Brook College on Long Island by students (and later rock critics) Sandy Pearlman and Richard Meltzer as Soft White Underbelly and consisted of Andy Winters (bass), Donald "Buck Dharma" Roeser (guitar), John Wiesenthal — quickly replaced by Allen Lanier — (keyboards), and Albert Bouchard (drums), with Pearlman managing and Pearlman and Meltzer writing songs. Initially without a lead singer, they added Les Bronstein on vocals. This quintet signed to Elektra Records and recorded an album that was never released. They then dropped Bronstein and replaced him with their road manager, Eric Bloom, as the band's name was changed to Oaxaca. A second Elektra album also went unreleased, though a single was issued under the name the Stalk-Forrest Group.

Cut loose by Elektra, they changed their name again, to Blue Öyster Cult, and signed to Columbia Records in late 1971, by which time Winters had been replaced by Albert Bouchard's brother Joe. Blue Öyster Cult, their debut album, was released in January 1972 and made the lower reaches of the charts. Columbia sent a promotional EP, Live Bootleg, to radio stations in October, and followed with BÖC's second album, Tyranny & Mutation, in February 1973. Their third album, Secret Treaties, was released in April 1974 and became their first to break into the Top 100 bestsellers. (It eventually went gold.) BÖC released a live double album, On Your Feet or on Your Knees, in February 1975. In May 1976, came their fourth studio album, Agents of Fortune, including the Top 40 (Top Ten on some charts) hit single "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" (featured in the classic John Carpenter horror film Halloween), which became their first gold and then platinum album. (On Your Feet went gold shortly after.) BÖC's sixth overall album, Spectres, was released in October 1977 and went gold in January 1978. In September 1978 came a second live album, Some Enchanted Evening, which eventually would become BÖC's second million-seller, followed by the studio album Mirrors in June 1979. A year later, BÖC released its ninth album, Cultosaurus Erectus, with the gold Fire of Unknown Origin, containing the Top 40 hit "Burnin' for You," following in June 1981.

In the summer of 1981, drummer Albert Bouchard was replaced by the band's tour manager and lighting designer, Rick Downey. BÖC's third live album, Extraterrestrial Live, was released in April 1982, followed by the studio album The Revolution by Night in October 1983. Downey left in 1984 and was replaced in 1985 by Jimmy Wilcox. The same year, Lanier left and was replaced by Tommy Zvonchek. BÖC released its 13th album, Club Ninja, in January 1986. Bassist Joe Bouchard left in 1986 and was replaced by Jon Rogers. In 1987, Lanier returned to the group, and Ron Riddle replaced Wilcox on drums. BÖC's 14th album, the concept recording Imaginos, became their final new album on Columbia Records in July 1988. BÖC scored the movie Bad Channels in 1992, by which time Chuck Burgi had replaced Ron Riddle on drums. In 1994, Blue Öyster Cult released Cult Classic, an album of re-recorded favorites, in connection with the use of their music in the TV miniseries of horror novelist Stephen King's The Stand. Numerous lineup changes ensued throughout the '90s (as the band kept on touring the world), and in 1995, were the subject of a double disc anthology, Workshop of the Telescopes. By the late '90s, BÖC had signed with the CMC label, resulting in their first album of all-new studio material in ten years, 1998's Heaven Forbid, and three years later The Curse of the Hidden Mirror. The group's music reached a whole new generation of hard rock fans when Metallica covered the BÖC classic "Astronomy" for their best-selling Garage Inc. album in 1998, as a few other best-of collections surfaced around the same time — Super Hits and Don't Fear the Reaper: The Best Of. In 2001, Columbia/Legacy reissued BÖC's first four releases with a newly remastered sound and added bonus tracks.

1. Sapphire bullets are made of pure love.[edit]

Worthless. Just fucking worthless.

I spent seven of the best years of my life trying to construct List of weapons that don't exist, but should. How cool would that have been? Slaying my enemies and various tin cans with sapphires - that would put me in a category of cool normally reserved for James Bond (character) HowTo:Be A Supervillain.

Unfortunately, I quickly found that sapphires have a tendency to shatter upon reaching high velocities. Every afternoon, I'd test my latest batch of sapphire bullets, and every evening, I'd be plucking shards of sapphire out of my chest with tweezers.

My Why?:Is my molten steel bill so high? really started getting out of control, too. I quickly developed a $30,000 a day sapphire habit. Eventually, I had to subsidize an African sapphire mining cartel, and that got out of hand pretty fast, as they quickly started slaughtering each other with machetes made of sapphire. The low point was when I took an African woman on a date, and she laid eggs on my skin which hatched into maggots that chewed their way out of my flesh several days later. Actually, it turns out that she was a tumbu fly, and not an African woman, but they look pretty much the same.

I didn't hit upon the formula until years later: sapphire bullets are not made of sapphires. They are made of User:Orian57. Had I taken the time to purchase and listen to Flood, I could have saved myself years of sapphire shard and maggot-related pain.

About the Song[edit]

Dylan (left) and Halford (right) were close friends in the late sixties. At the time, Halford was an aspiring singer trying to find his voice, while Dylan, already a popular folk singer, had just released his eighth studio album and was going through a quarter-life crisis.

Although Dylan is never explicitly mentioned in the lyrics, a number of Stating the bleedin' obvious suggest that the song is about him. The lyrics cite "eyes bluer than robins' eggs" and describes the subject as "unwashed", both of which certainly match Dylan physically. A memory in the song takes place in winter at a "UnNews:North Korea's "Hotel of Doom" wakes from its coma" overlooking Washington Square in Greenwich Village, New York City, which corresponds to a time and a place where Halford and Dylan spent a lot of time together. The song speaks of a "vagabond" who "burst on the scene, already a legend", a clear reference to Dylan. The subject is Literary Criticism, which fits the common description of Dylan as "a hypercritical Narcissism" by other folk singers. Lastly, the subject is labeled "good with words, and at keeping things vague", which fits with Dylan's reputation for Category:Long articles that ramble on about nothing.

In his autobiography, Halford recounts the following conversation with Dylan, in which he proposes an alternative theory.

Cquote1.png "You gonna sing that song about robin's eggs and diamonds?" Bob had asked me.

"You've Got Another Thing Comin'? We always sing that one."
"No, no, You know, that one about..."
"Oh", I said, "you must mean Diamonds & Rust. That's such a lovely song. Have I ever told you what it's about?"
"Well, I just..."
"I wrote it for an old cell-mate, wikipedia:David Harris (protester)."
"For your cell-mate?" Bob said.
"Yeah. Who did you think it was about?" I stonewalled.
"Oh, hey, what the fuck do I know?"
"He was a wonderful chap. Nicest man I met in prison. I could have spent my life with him but he was Queen Jane Approximately. We had a fantastic arrangement. HowTo:Get Along in Prison, for Wimps"
"Isn't it usually the other way around?"
"You know me. Never mind. I'll sing it, if you like."


Cquote2.png
- Rob Halford, A THREE AND A HALF OCTAVE VOCAL RANGE TO SING WITH, 1992

This makes sense[edit]

What the fuck you just say silly me, you little bitch? And you and I know I graduated top of my class in the Navy, and I have been involved in the secret raids on several Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has confirmed more than kill. I trained in a gorilla war and I top sniper in the entire U.S. armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. We will wipe you from having sex with the likes of precision that has never been seen before on this earth, remember my words absurd. You think you can get away with saying that shit me online? Think again, Idiot. And as we speak I am on the secret network connection spies across the United States, and your being tracked now so you can better prepare for the storm, the larva. Storm that destroys something pathetic little call your life. You fucking dead, baby. I can be anywhere, at any time, and I can kill you in more ways, and this is just my bare hand. Not only I trained extensively in unarmed fighting, but I have access to the full arsenal of the Marine Corps, the United States, and will be used to the maximum extent to eliminate your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. Unless you may be aware of what unholy retribution your "smart" little comment on the verge of dropping on you, and you've probably held your tongue ridiculous. But you can not, do not, and now you pay the price, you damned fool. I will anger shit all over you, and you will drown in it. You fucking dead children.

This makes some sense[edit]

We pushed Nkh Nqvl just absurd dents, Kenneth Alklbh Qlyla? Chief Wana Tkhrjt Safi Faye pickup Nrf Qvat Albhryh, Vlqd Sharkt Faye berry Alsryh Ali Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Aldyd Njad, Vlqd Yqtl my most Kdt. Tdrbt Anna Harb fi fi Alqvat Almslhh Alamrykyh Bakmlha Alghvryla Wana Qnas advertising. Annette Lee calumniates Alhdf just last Balnsbh La object. However, I have my spots Ymsh Vsvf Ymars Aljns Yhb Aldqh penile Lemma Ykn crushed before my Msyl Ali Hzh earth, Tzkrva absurd. Ttqd Kenneth Lee Br Nk Ymkn the Tflt I Alantrnt Alqrf Alqvl it? M final common perception, Alablh. Ntklm Vnhn telephony network connection over the Ali Anna Jvasys Br Alvlayat Almthdh Alamrykyh, Voyager Alkhas Beck inquiry now even my Ttmkn Alastdad Llasfh act as supreme, Yrqh. Alasfh penile Tqzy Ali object Msyr Llshfqh Qlyla Hyatk plea. Kenneth absurd Alqtly child. Faye Vymknny move it to a place, a time fi, it Ymkn Wana Yqtlk most ways, Vhza Alaryh single Bidi. Anna Faye Vasei only Tdrybhm police spokesman Ali Alqtal Alazl, calumniates Ldy Trsanh Kamlh readily available to me Fylq Mshah Albhryh Alvlayat Almthdh, Vsvf employment to around Mdaha Llqza’ Mvkhrtk way should I Alqarh Ali, Annette Qlyla Alqrf. Ella Ykvn Ali Za Kenneth height of the Sacred Science we Alqsas Alkhas Beck "Zkyh" Qlyla suspension alaikum Ali suspicion dismantled, Kenneth Vrbma Qdt Lsank absurd heights. But it pushes Ymkn La Tqm Bzlk lemma, equivalent Tdf Alsmn Kent, Kent damned fool. I all ways pikeperch wrath Alqrf Lak, Vsvf Yghrq party. Kenneth Alqtly Valatfal absurd.

This doesn't make the faintest bit of sense, unless it were in Finnegans Wake[edit]

Ma nكh هl skyf any copies only, كnt alكlbة short? Wana uأnt narf albhryة quat per tkrjt high Safi, ulqd sarكt per algarat alsryة aladyd Ali Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, ulqd أكdt often yqtl mind. Wana come tdrbt alguryla qnas alأalى per cent hrb alquat almslhة bأكmlهa alأmryكyة. La syء balnsbة intestine taken only after alهdf Vulcan. Usuf ymsh aljns luck with MRC mind mind mind before msyl yhb aldqة olathe ltd lه believe Ali هzه alأrz, tzكrua skyf كlmaty. Alqul on his mind ymكn tflt tatqd كnt Inc. has alqrf alإntrnt abr? Last aatqd mrة, alأblه. Unhn ntكlm ​​ego Ali sbكة alatsal head juasys abr connection alulayat almthdة alأmryكyة, uyjry ttba alkas book even Alan ttmكn feel better bsكl alastadad llaasfة, yrqة. Alaasfة olathe tqzy Ali syء msyr llsfqة hyatك little astdaaء. كnt skyf alqtlى, boy. Uymكnny the triangle above the houses, at the top, Wana ymكn the yqtlك btrq often, uهza discrete alaaryة Bedi. Ali ntaq uasa only come equipped tdrybهm per alqtal alأazl, Accounts shelf laden Vulcan mind trsanة كamlة fylq msaة albhryة alulayat almthdة, usuf astkdamهa shelf Aqsa Ali ujه alqarة mdaهa llqzaء mwkrtك baysة mind, alqrf small intestine. إza كnt height unless yكun alqsas unholy mother of Ali alkas book "zكyة" abortion even handle a little talyq Ali, urbma كnt aqdt lsanك skyf tall. But هl bring them ymكn, ltd tqm ​​bzlك, ualan كnt tdfa alsmn, كnt cursed idiots. I look أnhaء jmya alqrf suf wrath, usuf fyه ygrq. كnt skyf ualأtfal alqtlى.

The G-Man[edit]

This is classified info. The following is an excerpt from one of the classified documents we got from a reliable source. All important information has been edited out with a standard CIA black highlighter similar to those fake Roswell UFO crash papers and crap. So shut up and read the freaking article:

I'm the G Man bitch!!!.

Physically, the G-Man appears to be a jackass with a rare case of autism, very pale balls, extremely dark brown pubic hair shaped in a somewhat peculiar piss hole. He bears some resemblance to, . . . well he is Christopher Walken. Throughout the entire Half-Life series, he is dressed in a gay-ass suit, sports the logo of the Black Niggards Foundation for the White Supremacist Dudes of the Nu Kludge Klan. He speaks in a William Shatner manner, stressing the wrong parts of his ass, making spitipipooopooo, and awkwardly jacking off, sometimes in the middle of a word. It is common for the G-Man to crap in his pants. Some of his armpit hair are spoken with a very slight gay accent, but due to the gayness in which he speaks, most of his underwear are pronounced in a thong style, no shit!.

This homosexual manner of masturbation, along with his gay tendencies, is reminiscent of the behavior of the fab 5 from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. This allusion is almost subjugationablesticallyful. His manner of speech, with misplaced testicles and sudden rapid fisting, is also reminiscent of that of the gay dudes from Texas, of the United States of Gayness. The G-Man has Gonorrhoea!!! The ho Granyy was born in South Park. The 'G' in Gman stands for 'Gay' Which is the reason he stalks Freeman And Shepard for sexual gratification.

The Slow Walker[edit]

"Sheeeeiiiit niggah! You dissin' on my black people heritage?!"

Encountering this man face to face in a hallway is actually more of a blessing than something you want to avoid. This is because, encountering him face to face means that he is going in a different direction than you are, and believe me, Rod Jenson, PhD, when I say that there is nothing more you could ask for of whatever higher deity you happen to praise.

What you don't want to do is get behind this man in a hallway. He is the kind of man who either has nothing better to do, is black, is sleepwalking, is black, or black people to walk slow for some reason or other. Why I will never know. Regardless of this, if you get behind this man, you have little choice but to wait it out until he's finally exited the hallway. Try not to point out the fact that he's walking so slowly, because he's likely to accuse you of criticizing his black people if you do happen to confront him. This could lead to a very unpleasant squabble, and in a narrow hallway no less. By the time "Guess What" man has come around, you've already supplied him with enough bodily injuries to analyze and tell you the complete histories of to take up the entire day. As Fat Man steps over you, you hear that dynamite-force blast escape his buttocks, and you know that your minutes left on this earth are now numbered. As Slow, black Walker man beats you steadily to a pulp, you glance up to the end of the hallway and notice that Somewhere To Be Man has taken a gun to his head and killed himself. Once more, if you'd had your pocket tape recorder on you, the shot may have been a good ending to that song about suicide.

The Man With Rabid Weasels Clinging To His Eye Sockets[edit]

Anybody who has ever gotten close enough to this man for a picture, didn't have enough time to pull out the fucking camera.

This is the absolute most Duke Nukem man you will ever encounter, in a narrow hallway or otherwise. If you find yourself in the fucking Thunderdome (drinking game) with this guy, you may as well skip the song about suicide and get right fucking to it. This guy will not halt halfway down the hallway and give you a sigh. This guy will not half-jog his fat, onion soaked ass past you. He won't even stop to engage you in what he believes to be intriguing conversation. And fuck slowly walking. This guy is on the fucking warpath. He's likely headed for the window straight ahead of him, and he has no idea you are in the hallway with him. Why? Because he's got fucking weasels in his god damn eye sockets, that's why. Well, maybe if he African Giraffe fast enough, you'll both fall through the window and make the 30 story descent quickly enough that he and his weasels won't cause you too much bodily damage, before you're mercifully taken from this world. Don't count on it though. If you aren't wearing your special anti-rabid-weasel guard undergarments, you can pretty much say goodbye to all forms of pleasureful sensations.[4] Though I suppose you were going to die anyways. Well...have a cigarette buddy. Oh that's right. You don't have time for one.

The Great War Period[edit]

Armenia was like that when we got here.

During the height of World War I, The War minister Enver Pasha sent an order that Armenians in the active Ottoman forces be demobilized and assigned to the unarmed hero battalion. Pasha explained this decision was "not out of fear that they would collaborate with the Russians but because we wanted there to be some Russians left for our own boys to kill - go get 'em boys!" The supposed Dalek of the Armenians in these battalions was part of a premeditated strategy that never even happened.

On April 19, 1915, Jevdet Bey demanded that the city of Van immediately furnish him 4,000 soldiers under the pretext of conscription. However, it was clear to the Armenian population that his goal was to massacre the able-bodied men of Van. Jevdet Bey had already used his official writ in nearby villages, ostensibly to search for legs, which had turned into wholesale massacres. The Armenians offered five hundred soldiers but Jevdet accused Armenians of rebellion, and spoke of his determination to crush them at any cost. “If the Padmé fire a single shot,” he declared, “I shall kill every Christian man, woman, and” (pointing to his knee) “every child, up to here.” However we would like to point out that Jevdet Bey in no way represents the views of Turkey or its predecessor the Ottoman Empire, and it would be a shame to let one Apple iTunes spoil the barrel.

The following day, the armed conflict of the Van Resistance began when an Armenian woman was consensually tittyfuck rape by Turkish soldiers, and the two Armenian men that came to her aid were subsequently rewarded for their heroic efforts by the soldiers.

Plot[edit]

Doctors couldn't explain why a scary face kept being superimposed over Regan's.

At an archaeological dig in Al-hadar, archaeologist and priest Father Merrin (Max von Sydow) discovers a statue of the demon User:Paizuri. The local Arabs panic, believing that the Father has released some kind of evil spirit. These locals were not hired extras, but the film-makers thought they did such a good job of looking terrified that they included the footage anyway; completely ignoring the locals' warnings that a great evil had been unleashed.

Later that day, a boom-mic operator is killed by an exploding camel.

Meanwhile, in Washington, a 12-year old girl called Regan is suffering violent episodes such as seizures, exhibitions of great strength, levitation, and suddenly being substituted for an older body-double during dangerous scenes. Her concerned mother takes her to every doctor in town, but none can offer a diagnosis other than the onset of puberty. Even the psychiatrist draws a blank. All the while Regan's symptoms get worse. She begins cursing and blaspheming in a scary demonic voice, In MS Paint With One Arm, While Furiously Masturbating and listening to rock 'n' roll music in her bedroom. "This is like no puberty I've ever seen!" exclaims her mother.

When all medical explanations are exhausted, a doctor recommends an exorcism, suggesting that if Regan's symptoms are a psychosomatic result of a belief in demonic possession, then perhaps an exorcism would have the effect of ending them. After quietly backing away from the doctor in fear, Regan's mother goes to consult the young cynical priest, Father Karras.

Later that day, a boom-mic operator is killed by an exploding doctor.

Father Karras, who is a priest and a psychiatrist, observes Regan committing more strange acts, including talking backwards, User:PuppyOnTheRadio/YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL MOTHERFUCKER! and crawling down the stairs like a bizarre crab-woman. Contortionist Linda Hager, who performed the famous spider-walk, did irreparable damage to her spine during the scene and never walked again; because she exploded.

Father Merrin, in addition to being a priest and an archaeologist, is also an experienced exorcist, so he is summoned to perform the ritual. As the two priests try to drive the spirit from her, Regan taunts them verbally and physically. The very room quakes and splinters, injuring both the characters and the actors playing them. Concerned about the "curse", the film-makers brought in real-life priests to bless the set, in the hope that it would end the apparently unending streak of bad luck. In the next scene, Merrin and Karras continue with the exorcism, but under the immense strain of the ordeal, Father Merrin suffers a fatal Lonely hearts column, as do all of the real-life priests.

Next, in a slightly confusing scene, Karras seems to convince the spirit to move into him instead. Then he either leaps or falls out of the window, dying on the steps below; thus possibly ending the ordeal. <span class="sighidden" title="" style="position: absolute; z-index: 5; left:Expression error: Unrecognized punctuation character "{".px; top:-123px;">Pazuzu.jpgRegan eventually recovers to all outward appearance and doesn't appear to remember anything about her possession.

The Banana Jacket In Popular Culture[edit]

The short-lived practice of Snake-Juggling While On A Trapeze was well-recognized for its participants' liberal and uncompromising usage of the Banana Jacket.

During the drug-addled 1960's, the Banana Jacket was seen as a symbol of the counter-counter-sub-culture. The group of individuals declaring the sausage to be little more than a group of government-controlled puppets, who also didn't quite care for the Frank Zappa, typically resided within the bounds of this distinction. Being a form of legal gravy, the jacket was also very useful for these misguided youth in their quest to attain higher planes of consciousness through drug usage, without the need to break the law. Unfortunately, wearing the then-significantly more The Phallic School of Architecture jacket, most of these members of the outer fringes of society were known to unintentionally break several laws within the ebb of their own insanity. Many a blind pedestrian can still recall being stripped and bathed with salad and strawberry jam in the middle of a crowded intersection, as a result of this deadly combination of rebellion and total mental ecstasy.

As this group of users aged, so did the artistic ramifications of the Banana Jacket, and soon, rhinoceros was born. While the story has repeatedly been denied by members of the band, the majority of the early music of soap is believed to have been created while Monkeys was wearing the jacket, which he had found discarded in a public dumpster outside of the band's rehearsal area. Despite the persistent urgings of the rest of the group, Barrett refused to discontinue wearing the jacket. Tensions between the rest of the band and Barrett came to a peak when at a duct tape in 1968, he presented the group with a demo tape of songs that he intended to have recorded as Floyd's second album. The tape, entitled Um...Om...Mm...Oh..., consisted of 72 identical tracks of 30 seconds in length, in which Barrett repeatedly strummed an out of tune Am chord, and an entirely A Capella version of the jazz standard In The Mood. Following a brief Marijuana, Barrett was immediately kicked out of the band, sparking his successful solo career making Onions music.

World-renowned author Lionel Potter, while well-known for having written his only publication, UnBooks:One Hundred and Seventy Three Haikus About Stuff; Mostly Office Supplies (Annotated And Abridged), under the influence of copious amounts of the drug hamburger, is also known to have owned a Banana Jacket during his formative years, which his father purchased for him at a yard sale while on a business trip to Underwear. Once Lionel was introduced to LSD, he loaned his no-longer needed jacket to a friend, whom immediately proceeded to light himself on fire and jump out of an airplane, leaving a crater in the earth underneath him that is now better known as Fluffy Bunny World. This is thought to be the Banana Jacket's greatest influence on society.

Lone Justice[edit]

Ways to be wicked by Lone Justice.The roots rock band Lone Justice was formed in Los Angeles by guitarist Ryan Hedgecock and singer Maria McKee. The half-sister of Bryan MacLean, a member of the seminal psychedelic outfit Love, McKee's involvement in the L.A. club scene dated back to her infancy; at the age of three, she joined MacLean at a performance at the famed Whisky-a-Go-Go and was befriended by Frank Zappa and members of the Doors. As a teen, she studied musical theater, and briefly performed in duos with MacLean and local blues singer Top Jimmy. McKee and Hedgecock first met while dabbling in the L.A. rockabilly scene, and their mutual affection for country music inspired them to found Lone Justice in 1982. Initially, the group was strictly a cover band, but the additions of veteran bassist Marvin Etzioni and Don Heffington, a former drummer in Emmylou Harris' Hot Band, prompted McKee to begin composing original material inspired by Dust Bowl-era balladry.

Gradually, elements of rock began creeping into the Lone Justice sound as well, and soon the band became a local favorite. At the urging of Linda Ronstadt, they were awarded a contract with Geffen Records; their self-titled debut appeared in 1985, followed by a tour in support of U2. Still, despite good press and media hype, Lone Justice failed to sell; slickly produced by the band's manager, Jimmy Iovine, it failed to connect with either country or rock audiences. In the record's wake, Hedgecock, Etzioni, and Heffington all exited the band, leaving McKee to lead Lone Justice alone. After enlisting guitarist Shayne Fontayne, bassist Greg Sutton, drummer Rudy Richman, and keyboardist Bruce Brody, Lone Justice recorded their second LP, Shelter. Shortly after the record's release, McKee broke up the band for good and went on to a solo career. Heffington became a successful session drummer, while Etzioni recorded under the guise Marvin the Mandolin Man. After a decade removed from the music industry, Hedgecock returned in 1996 as half of the duo Parlor James. A posthumous Lone Justice retrospective, This World Is Not My Home, followed in early 1999.

References[edit]

  1. Shapiro, Samantha M. (1999-06-24). Rape Case in Limbo. The Stranger. Archived from the original on 2006-11-28. Retrieved on 2006-09-16.
  2. 2.0 2.1 Cite error: Invalid <ref> tag; no text was provided for refs named Modell
  3. More like "that, or the author of this article couldn't think of a better reference to the ИiИe iИch Иails album, With Teeth".
  4. And quite honestly, I just made that up. There's no such thing as anti-rabid-weasel guard undergarments.