User:Michael.T.Roper/Geelong

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“Ahehaehaha he's from Geelong!”

~ Melbournians

“The bogans of Geelong is their oldest tradition; it has been going on now for three hundred years.”

“For god's sake, shut up about the f*****g bogans!!”

~ Geelongites to Tourists
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Some of Geelong's attractions

Geelong (pronounced Jill-ong) is a town in South of Victoria, about 80 km from Melbourne. situated on the edge of a gigantic chocolate oreo, the town's main source of commerce is of course tourism, where people come far and wide to sample the region's fine rustic sweaty football socks which are made and fermented by phantom bollards running about in the middle of the night when everyone has gone to bed.

Sampling the cuisine in Geelong

The region is also well-known for it's hippopotamus farms, which many tourists come to see in conjunction with a tour of the Ford motor museum; Ford motor company being one of the original industries behind Geelong's growth.

History[edit]

The exact date of Geelong's establishment is unknown (the date is currently under debate in the Deaken University Campus) and was actually a mistake. Geelong was supposed to be Melbourne but a lack of navigating skills by the founding ship's captain, John Murray, steered his ship towards the useless flat piece of ground which is where Geelong stands today. Geelong then expanded to become the second biggest hole in the state, falling just short of Winchelsea. Many of its municipal buildings are made from solidified sewerage from the nearby Weribee sewerage farm. Almost all of Geelong's building that were built after 1999, were built by the largest population of emu's outside of Flinders Street Station.

19th century: White settlement[edit]

The natives and thus victims of the white settlement are referred to as the 'Wathaurong' people. They populated the area before white-man came with technology on their side but not enough brains to refrain from being total douchebags who swindled, raped and killed many of the original inhabitants, stealing their children (fricken douchbags!)

The word 'Jillong' is a type of aboriginal jelly that the natives made from a mixture of gum leaves and yam-oil. They would make the jelly crystals and dissolve them in the morning, leaving them in underground caverns to cool and harden so they could be given to the children as a treat when they got home from hunting and walkabout.

Govenor Richard Burke is credited as the first person who observed that the jelly tasted great with a handful of crumbled oreos thrown on top, so he decided to tell all his friends about it and in no time, Geelong was beginning to snap, crackle and pop.

1850s: Gold rush[edit]

Apart from the region's fine football socks, the area was host to a surge in Australia's population when in the late-mid 1800's, Gold was found in relative abundance in Belle's rat, just short of an hour's drive north of Geelong. At first, Belle was voraciously opposed to the gold miners who wanted to get inside her furry friend. Her eventual acquiesce was due in part to her parents who promised to buy her a pet hippopotamus when they would eventually discover their own share of the gold.

1860s: The 'Sleepy Hollow'[edit]

Someof The Geelong Cup's Fashions and The Waterfront

Ever since 1872, the town has been hosting the annual hippo cup whereupon thousands of Geelongites come together to witness a smorgasboard of the latest in fashion and to trade pancake recipes; as well as the main event of hippo racing.

1900s: A city develops[edit]

Since the early 20th Century Geelong has grown exceptionally, fuelled by it's wool and other industries, and is the 12th largest city is Australia. It was officially a city on 8 December 1910, when the first power station was built. Shortly after came the waterworks and sewerage trust in 1908, and then in 1912, electric trams were introduced (later to be removed in 1956 when a newly settled czechoslovakian woman named Adriena Rostislava, wrote a concerned letter to the council after realizing it was unsafe for trams to be running on rails made of licorice - especially in summer).

The first of the annual Gala day parades, (which continue to this day) began in 1916, although some Geelongites scoffed at the idea, feigning it was just another excuse to trade pancake recipes. These people later repented, figuring that at least at gala day they were raising money for the red cross, unlike the geelong show which they decided was just a massive pancake recipe-trading dog-and-pony show that has ran since 1855.

In the 1930s, Geelong's first radio station, K-Rock (then known as 3GL), commenced, as well as The Great Ocean Road opening and the Eastern Beach was opened after 10 years of work in 1939. Many people decided not to swim there because the water looked like the chocolate river in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.

1970s: A time of change[edit]

The original mall opened in 1985 with the other section that became westfield opening in 1988. This is when the first townies started shooting up water from the market square fountain which resulted in countless townies hallucinating oreos chasing them around trying to eat them like massive langoliers. This is also the era when the word 'townie' was invented, most likely by somebody who listend to loud, fast music punctuated by screaming electric guitar solos and vocals, and whose predominant choice in footwear is the moccasin.

The problem only worsened until council destroyed the fountain and put a road and a 7/11 there, and tightened security.

21st century[edit]

The 21st Century has seen much happen for Geelong. Nearby at Avalon, an airport was upgraded to cater for the growing number of tourists wanting to sample the regions sparkling sweaty football socks and abseil the gigantic oreo cookie that fronts the city. Many tourists were discouraged when they learnt that the council had planned to eradicate 50 hippo farms for a new housing estate, but the citizens of Geelong are proud of their heritage and remain nonchalant, choosing instead to sit on the fence.

Recently however, a 'save the hippos' campaign has formed and is taking signatures from passers by just outside the entrance to the mall.

Also, construction began on the new ring-road in 2006, which has since opened and sees daily the transport of hundreds of doughnuts to empty stomachs across the region.

Geography[edit]

Geelong is a city west of Melbourne in Australia, that is at the end of a very long two/one lane freeway. It occasionally provides useful things for the civilised world (i.e. petrol) but mostly its residents just sit there complaining about how they have no water and that the Geelong Bypass should never be built.

City and suburbs[edit]

Corio
  • Belmont
  • Break Water (What happens to women when they have babies.)
  • Corio
  • Marshall (Also Known As Where?)
  • Waurn Ponds
  • Highton
  • East Geelong
  • West Geelong
  • North Geelong
  • Norlane
  • Did we say Corio?
  • And the Surf Coast (We're trying to claim it!)
  • Paraparap

Economy[edit]

Apart from the Shell refinery in Corio (or Lower Lovely Banks as often known) and the Ford manufacturing plant, Geelong lacks any major businesses. This is because most companies know that Geelong is already polluted enough and nobody wants to drive from Melbourne to work there.

Culture[edit]

Geelong.png

There is none.

Art and Music[edit]

Many argue that the closest any venue comes to representing the cutting edge is The National Hotel, but they say it is still a classic example of roots left after Geelong's attemts at freeing the 'bogan weed'.

Regardless of people's opinions, the Barwon Club regularly hosted Magic Dirt before Daniel Herring left the band almost 20 years ago.

As for music based on more traditional blues and Folk, The Geelong area has The Queenscliff Music Festival (Blues Train), Meredith Music Festival, Offshore and Falls.

There are many art galleries in Geelong with a host of exhibitions and range of styles from contemporary to classic.

Tourism[edit]

As far as things to do for the locals, The Geelong region is a gateway to the beautiful south coast beaches which become a popular way of cooling off during warmer weather, as well as Geelong's own Eastern Beach.

There are fantastic golf courses in the area as well as recreational opportunities including aquatic sports like rowing in Geelong's main river, The Barwon; many people stay active and Geelong is very sport-orientated. There are bicycle tracks which connect all the major areas and precincts of Geelong.

Many of the older children and teenagers sit at home and read betty crocker magazines and invent new styles and flavours of traditional fruit and/or vegetable pancakes; a pasttime classically favoured over going to the mall, where some teenagers have been known to witness hoardes of migrating oreos stampeding through the city streets, trying to catch the north breeze.

People watching 'The Cats' at a football match

In spite of many people coming to Geelong for a taste of 'the socks' as they are affectionately known, many of the locals sample the socks regularly in conjunction with paying to watch the athletes who formerly wear them. This is a game they call 'Aussie rules' which is renowned as Australia's contact sport of fame. Originating in the Goldfields near Belle's rat, Geelong's own Aussie Rules football team is 'the cats'.

During the football season, hundreds upon hundreds of spectators turn out to watch the games, sometimes sporting hats made out of raw tuna.

Infrastructure[edit]

The Geelong Bypass is due to be completed in 2010 but Braksy and his Spring St n00bs will probably delay it by about 10 more years. The only reason that Geelong's residents don't want it is because they know that because now no one is forced to suffer the agonising torture that is attempting to drive through Geelong on the A1 and forced to stare at trains for hours on end, they will get no business so Geelong will die! Any other road in Geelong worth mentioning is merely a walking track with black rocks stuck together with cheap glue.

Princes Freeway (A1)[edit]

The Princes Freeway ends in Geelong and is the cause of the West Gate Bridge toll failing. No one wanted to pay to drive to Geelong so the State government had no choice but to abolish the toll. The Princes Freeway is also usually inhabited by speeding motorcycles or hippie combi-vans.

Sport[edit]

The Geelong AFL team, the Cats, are based in Geelong and occasionally go over to Perth or Adelaide to give Freo or Adelaide a thumping.

See also[edit]