User:Modusoperandi/An Atheist's Eulogy
“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”
Oh, vast and uncaring universe,
- we are gathered here today, under the apathetic eye
- of no god
- to remember the man who lays within this urn before us
- in body only.
His lack of soul has gone nowhere.
- not to a heaven, nor a hell
- not to the places that his many theist friends, family and coworkers
- insist that they'll go to when they die,
- in a foolish, vain, and ultimately fruitless
- attempt to avoid the inevitable.
'No!' he said, "Instead when I pass, I shall surely be gone from this world
- and will move to no world, but instead will fertilize the prize roses of my prize, my wife, Rose."
His will be done, as when this secular funeral comes to a close,
- his ashes will be scattered among those very roses,
- here behind me
- where the fine dust of the ash will clog the plants' stomatal pores,
- and will, until the first rain, block the light of the sun
- and they shall win no prizes this year
- in memory of the fallen.
- but I say, "Nay!"
- as his choice of 'None' for religion
- did not prevent him from being a good husband
- nor did it stop him from raising two beautiful children.
His no-god did not prevent him from healthy sexual relations with this loving, lovely, and loved wife.
- nor did it stop them from regularily enjoying the mingling and co-mingling of their two bodies
- nor did it prevent the darkened fumbling, the occasional failure and the cursing before, during, and after
- nor his too-quietly mumbled apologies and his yearning to stumble quickly down to the kitchen
- to make a sandwich.
The God that does not look down on us from Heaven
- did not look down at them and see the spooning that took place afterwards
- nor the whispered conversation about the time they took a trip to Wine Country
- and, with no reservations about religion,
- and none at the hotel, as well,
- didst sleep in the car
- under the starry sky.
Rejoice, he is not roasting in Hell for all eternity
- for touching himself in places that no-God, in His unfinite wisdom
- did let evolution adapt and improve
- and did boldly rise up from that first primordial doodle
- for, truly, the only sin in one's doodle is the misuse, or abuse
- of that most Earthly appendage
- and if the punishment fits the crime
- then his lack of earthly crimes must justly lead to no punishment.
So, fellow atheists, agnostics and deists.