User:Nikau/Rape and Pillage

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
A crew of bloodthirsty employees set sail to shift an old dear's cupboard and slay a few hundred Celts if time permits.

Rape and Pillage Pty. Ltd. was the foremost removal firm of the early 8th to late 12th centuries, servicing a wide area of the North Atlantic for a reasonable price of only two buxom daughters per hour.

Though the original goals of the firm "to carry fragile goods with the utmost care" and "make them fear the name Knuttson for all eternity" were achieved with flying colours through a diverse system of franchises and axe swings, the gradual encroach of Christianity and supply side economics would cause business to slowly decline.

While the enterprise may have gone, its fundamental concept of shifting chattels for those too lazy or inbred to do so themselves would ignite fear in the hearts of many for centuries to come.


Jarl Haakon Berserker on the cover of the recent financial report for Rape and Pillage Inc. He predicted a bumper year's profits in 888 AD

Rape and Pillage would suddenly burst onto the European scene of heavy couriering with the routine transport of Religious gear for a respectable Church book club in Northern England. Suggesting they burst onto the scene, however, ignores several minutes of fumbling around deciding how to introduce themselves and centuries of complex prior human geography, as are required before the launch of any small scale business.

"Never before has such an atrocity been seen," declared the incensed scholar Alcuin of York, "they hath mixed the relics of St. Cuthbert and St. Edgar, but other than that their bubble wrapping is first rate."

The rapidity of arrival captured the minds of the European Royal courts, as the employees had seemingly arrived before even being called out. This attentiveness would set Rape and Pillage apart from the other tribes in the very competitive removal services industry of Greater Europe. Said industry had long been dominated by the Goths and Vandals, who had famously worked to transport the antiquities of Ancient Rome for a suitably barbaric price. However, by 793, their work was a mere shell of what it had been and most claimed they "had the Plague of Justinian" or were "too busy tending to a fledgling Kingdom" to shift any goods.

This did not sit well with the European Royal courts who, after the typical 300 year period of male brooding that Rome wouldn't be bringing the vino around any more, had once more begun to amass a pile of blindingly shiny things.


  1. The imposition of a 100% commission rate that could be paid in good old hard currency or a life of slavery, depending upon the preferences of the particular employee. The latter would soon be utilized by the finance industry.
  2. The construction of special longhouses for the storage of transported goods until such time as the owner had paid the commission or was reincarnated in an animal form able to carry receipts.
  3. No warpaint. War cries are fine, but warpaint is precisely vulgar and Scottish.



Hemnes the Handy; slayer of 57 of the finest warriors the world has ever known.

The tales of Rape and Pillage would be told and retold throughout the 19th and 20th centuries. Though many were captivated by the passionate violence and brutal profit margins of the sagas, others dismissed them as simple populist imagery no better than that of a Michael Baye operetta.

Despite this resurgence of Romantic nationalism, the Scandinavian peoples have continued to build minimalist kitchen settings and generally kick the rest of the worlds' collective behind in any measure of Human Development as they have done so ever since the unceremonious end of Rape and Pillage.

However sitting around for hours trying to assemble a minimalist timber kitchen setting does evoke the wish that you could move as far away from flat pack furniture as possible. That or slay a few hundred Celts with a battle-axe.

See Also[edit]