User:NonchalantCaterpillar/Soviet Space Program
Glorious Space Program of the Soviet Union
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The Soviet Space Program (SPUTNIKITAKRUSCHEV) is by far the most advanced in the world, surpassing the United States Program some time before the invention of the wheel, and landing on the moon before the British in 1883. This extreme advancement in the field of Space can be somewhat attributed to the Soviet discovery of Cold Fusion in 1866 by Ulysses K. Stalin in Siberia during a ice bath encounter with a Russian Polar Bear (Hairy Russian female), producing the new element Cobalt Thorium-G, which could be consumed by Soviet Rocket dogs in order to propel spacecraft. Stalin was a defector from the United States who changed his last name to Stalin to avoid being drawn and quartered by Soviet capatilist hunting squads. Ironically, his son Joeseph Stalin would become the first Cosmonaut on Neptune and return to take control of Earth and continue the dominance of the program, including the Soviet Invasion of the Moon after a brief episode of U.S control, the eventual conquering of the Milky Way and the creation of the Galactic Imperial Soviet Empire in 1946.
The Soviet Bureau of Glorius Impressive Low-priced Feats (GILF) first approached the Proletariat in 53 B.C with the idea, and it was accepted along with the condition that a rise in the bread ration to 10 grams from the current 7 grams occur. This act of greed and insolence against The Party was put down ruthlessly by the 105th Soviet Bear Cavalry divison and the Space Program was accepted with the new condition that the Proletariat would not have their genitals mutilated by the bears. Progress was slow in the beggining with many failed launches, however this can be somewhat attributed to the use of anti-semetic propaganda as the only form of fuel. The fate of the program improved however, when Cobalt Thorium-G and Cold Fusion were discovered by Ulysses K. Grant in Siberia a few years later.
After service in the American Civil War, Grant was dishounourably discharged for setting fire to the constitution and decapitating General Ambrose Burnside, the popular face of the Gillete Face Shaving Company. Fleeing to Soviet Russia to escape the punishment of Death by Turkeyslapping (a popular southern execution method popularised by the war), he married a deer,changed his last name to Stalin, settled down into a quiet town in Central Siberia (Ol' Frosty) and worked on a vodka farm for several years. During the Great Vodka Famine, in which 79% of the Russian population died due to lack of blood toxicity, Grant had to kill his four-legged wife to use as fertiliser on his failing farm. In 1866 after the plague was over and the population stabilised at 23 billion, Grant moved further into the wilderness to contemplate existensialism and why he 'peed up'. During his travels he discovered Thorium-G and Cold Fusion, allowing the current Space Program to move to an energy source more stable than hamsters running on treadmills, ableit slightly less powerful. Soviet electricity production however would not move to this new energy source, because of the percieved threat to the hamster rearing industry, which made up 38% of the USSR's GDP.
Early Years 1866-1883
The USSR launched it's first sattelite in 1873, in the form of a giant red Soviet Star (affectionately named Если вы потратили время, чтобы посмотреть это до вас жалким) that would block sunlight from certain areas of Russia, mainly to opress barbaric peasant tribes that demanded food at least once per week, but also intended to allow powerful Soviet Vampire Bureaucrats to go about their business during daytime. A manned station was called for next by the Bureau, who wanted to move Vodka production into space. Some spoke out against the implausiblity of this, but the Bureau put its foot down, and crushed them all into communist powder. Construction of the manned craft began a few months later, and cosmonaut selection processes began by drowning applicants to see which ones could hold their breath long enough for a six month mission. After 1.4 million applicants drowned the Bureau genorously decided to provide food for applicants undergoing these tests, however most could still only make it to a pathetic two minutes. A breakthrough was reached when leading Spacecraft Commandant Kergei Sorolev realised that cosmonauts could travel inside the craft, instead of riding the nosecone whilst it was inserted into the anus, the only previous method of cosmonaut attachment. Suitable candidates were now able to be found, including Boris 'The Rapist' Tupolevski and Smhershki 'The Purveyor of Oddly Shaped Potatoes' Plunotaskranorinivik, who would be the first men/eunuchs on the moon.
On April the 56th 1883 -1700 hours, the Soviet Spacecraft Powerful Sphincter 2 (Это на отверстие ануса) was launched via catapult somewhere in the North Atlantic by a Soviet hovercraft. Powerful Sphincter 1 had been defecated on by Chechen rebels in an act of sabotage , overloading its pnuematic tubes by fecal blockage. It was used to destroy Chechnya by dropping capitalist economic documents into the ship's supercomputer instead, causing meltdown and self-destruct of the Cold-fusion generator. Sphincter 2 achieved penetration of the atmosphere 30 seconds later, spent two minutes orbiting frenetically, then did nothing for half an hour. Tupolevski then guided the spaceship moonwards via Wiimote, while Plunotaskranorinivik adjusted the sensor bar. Upon landing, Tupolevski exclaimed 'What the fuck is this shithole!', gazing at the barren and inhospitable landscape. Plunotaskranorinivik then stated that they must have overshot. After realising that they had in fact landed in the City of Los Angeles, Tupolevski reprogrammed the GPS that had that "FUCKING ANNOYING POMMY VOICE" and before you could say Долой царя! they had entered space and were travelling at 10,763 knots/per shoestring towards the moon.
The Glorious Moon Landing of Soviet Russia and The Slaughter of Crater 762
Powerful Sphincter 2 landed in Crater 762 approximately 923 potatoes after launch in crater 762, the first manned landing of something the Soviet peoples had always dreamed of as a second Siberia (extended holiday camp provided for by The Party). Upon landing Tupolevski claimed that he should be the first walk on the moon, Plunotaskranorinivik agreed, with the condition that he would be the first to urinate on the moon. A fierce fight broke out in the cockpit over these issues, ending with Plunotaskranorinivik losing and having his entrails ripped out through his sternum and defecated on by Tupolevski in traditional Soviet custom.
After Plunotaskranorinivik conceded defeat and Tupolevski performed the ritual victory ejaculation, Plunotaskranorinivik was healed by Tupolevski, who sung the Patriotic Communist Work Song 'Harvest Grain'.
Tupolevski then boosted out of the Sphincter 2's blowhole, and landed a minute later on the inner rim of Crater 762. Plunotaskranorinivik followed seconds later, to his consternation to witness Tupolevski come under attack by Moon Gophers armed with advanced technology, a previously unseen animal obviously with obsolete capitalist ideals. Using a combination of the T-38 Moon Buggy and AK-47 Beamgun's the cosmonauts completed the quickest extinction of a race/species by Soviets since the Polish in 1509 and the Democratic Party in 1763, and were both awarded the title Hero of The Soviet Union upon their return.
After then throwing a hammer and sickle on the moon to claim it as territory, then using these tools to quickly build a moon base complete with telescreens and pnuematic tubes, the cosmonauts pulled themsleves back using a length of string they had attached to the Earth.
The Soviet Space Fleet and British Incursion
The Soviet's quickly established bases on all planets of the solar system, as well as the sun and various asteroids. After the British emerged as space capable in the 1870's the Soviet's had been wary of their motives, yet the British Ships of the Line in that decade did not have sails able to properly harness solar wind, and crew often died of scurvy and Space Smurf Pirate attacks out of atmosphere.
The new HMS Victory however, had been fitted with these sails, and had began to trade with other planets for exotic items such as cotton, kryptonite and sea monkeys. Soon many of this class were built, (yet still only 2% of the Soviet Space Armada)and the British tried in vain to establish dominions on several moons in the solar system, all destroyed by Soviet orbital bombardment. The moon had become a particularly important source of British interests, when it was discovered that some Moon Gopher offspring had survived. These Moon Gophers were shipped back to Britain and used as slaves in factories for the booming monocle industry, although mutinies by Moon Gophers that killed all onboard were common.
The Soviet Space Armada at the time allowed the British to do this, but when British ships pirate crewed by Moon Gophers thirsty for human blood started to attack the Soviet Fleet, it was decided at a Party Meeting (link to passedout/drunk) that a blockade would be established around the moon. This embarrased the British government to no end, Lord Mountbatten was purportedly smoking several varnished table legs and drinking two pots of boiled cornish miner boots a day due to the stress. Finally, after the loss of the Moon Gopher trade devalued the Pound Stirling, Parliament decided to take the moon back by naval engagment in 1910.
The 1st Battle of the Moon
The British Fleet, under command of Sir Admiral Norton Troughbridge Hallowell 'Biffo' Collingwood, set sail to great fanfare, including a spectacular leper hunt, from Greater London. However, the journey did not start well. They were blown of course in the beginning into the asteroid field, and HMS Indefatigable lost all three topmasts in a series of impacts. It was taken in tow, and the fleet tacked its way slowly towards the moon. Soviet radar picked up the fleet at one million kilometres range, and not expecting the fleet to be doing something as foolish as attacking the Soviet Space Armada, the radar operators casually bet their grandparents and sisters on which ship would be the first to earth. As the British Fleet finally reached the outer limits of the moon a few months later, Captain Charles Berry Pearson Snr. reported sighting of the Soviet Fleet through his telescopic monocle to the Admiral on the quarter-deck of the Victory. All had been aware of this for a few days anyway, since some Soviet Capital Ships were almost a quarter of the size of the moon. The Admiral ordered his fleet to form a line of battle astern of the Victory as the fleet of 24 Ships of the Line, 12 Frigates and 4 Corvettes closed to a few miles. Captain Pearson Snr. reported new Soviet Cruisers to the Admiral as they came into view from the deck, it was at this point that Collingwood discovered he was outnumbered nearly twenty-four to one.
"There are eighteen cruise of the Soviets, Sir Collingwood"
"Very well, sir"
"There are eighty-six cruise of the Soviets, Sir Collingwood"
"Very well, sir"
"There are three-hundred and fifty four cruise of the Soviets, Sir Collingwood"
"Very well, sir"
"There are seven-hundred and fifteen cruise of the Soviets, Sir Collingwood"
"Enough, sir, no more of that; the die is cast, and if there are ten hundreds cruise I will go through them"
"There are twelve hundreds cruise of the Soviets, Sir Collingwood"
Sir Collingwood nonetheless continued with the attack, prefferring death in battle rather than the punishment and disgrace reserved for 'cowardice in the face of death' which involved being put at 'Her Majesty's Pleasure' and forced to read 'The Sun' newspaper for eternity. Captain Pearson at this point became very enthusiastic, slapping the Admiral on the back and exclaiming "That's right Old Biffo, and, by God, we'll give them a damn good licking!", and began eating poetry of Shakespeare, which was believed to cause great war quotes to spring forth from the lips of an Englishman in the midst of battle. The first Soviet Ship passed by the line and attacked was a small freighter, and the fleet was quite successful in this regard. The Victory fired a broadside of her 12 pounders, most deflecting off of the depleted uranium armour, yet some breaching small hole in the effluent storage bay. After the line passed, widening this further, the Indefatagable was then rammed into it to create an opening large enough for boarding by The Royal Marines, who could only look down their noses and hence were unable to duck under a hole smaller than they. Captain Pearson, one of the first onboard, described the scene after successfully taking the ship.
"The soldiers of the 69th, with an alacrity which will ever do them credit, and Captain Snuffbox of the same regiment, were almost the foremost on this service – the first man who jumped into the enemy's foul smelling berth was Captain Polkinghorne, late my First Lieutenant (Captain Miller-Bueamount-Huffington was in the very act of going also, but I directed him to remain); he was supported from our sprit sail yard, which hooked on the effluent bays. A soldier of the 69th Regiment having broken the upper quarter-gallery window, I jumped in myself, and was followed by others as fast as possible. I found the cabin doors fastened, and some Russian slave peasants swung their laser sickles: but having broke open the doors the soldiers fired, and the Russian slave driver fell, as retreating to the quarter-deck. I pushed immediately onwards for the quarter-deck, where I found Commander Corkingsnell in possession of the poop (as to why he felt this important I could not ascertain), and the Soviet ensign hauling down. I passed with my people, and Lieutenant Pearson, on the larboard gangway, to the forecastle, where I met two or three Soviet officers, which became prisoners to my glorious seamen: and I delivered my sword unto them repeatedly. At this moment the Soviet one-armed peasant slaves looked over the quarter deck rail, and said they surrendered. From this most welcome intelligence, it was not long before I was on the quarter deck, where the captain, with a bow, presented me his sword (which I recieved rather gladly I must add!), and said the admiral was dying of his wounds. I asked him on his honour if the ship was surrendered. He declared she was: on which I gave him my hand, and desired him to call on his officers and ship's company and tell them of it: which he did – and on the quarter deck of a Soviet freighter, extravagant as the story may seem, did I receive the swords of all of the vanquished Soviets: which I took great pleasure in for several minutes."
The Soviet Space Armada, realising that the British had not accidentally condemned themsleves to death and were actually firing on a Soviet vessel on purpose, began a speedy destruction of the British fleet. The Capital Ship Izachimonishiski began to open fire with its several thousand nuclear railgun batteries, and within seconds the fleet had been reduced to ash, which was used later to fertilise the Vodka fields on the Moon.
The effect on Parliament when the news was recieved in the form of carrier pigeon could not have been more depressing. Lord Mountbatten, the mastermind of the attack, feared he would be hung for failure and was found dead in his county home having gotten shitfaced on methamphetamines.
The American Landing of 1953 and 2nd Battle for the Moon
By 1951 the West had been won and the American settlers were beggining to find advanced Indian technology amidst the burnt out tents and slaughtered masses of Indian buffalo cavalry. The ancient firework technology allowed the Americans to finally achieve flight, after Wilbur Orville's tragically unsuccessful attempt of flying a pushbike with wings off of the Statue of Liberty in 1910. The U.S finally had it's first primitive spacecraft in 1952, and a crew was found in Southern Alabalma shortly afterwards. Cooter-hooch Butch Jackson and Jim-Bob Buck Houston were to be the confedanauts, and their pet hogs and alligators were allowed to come also. Jackson and Houston were experienced bootleggers and NASCAR drivers, and their skills were thought to be be required to slip past the Soviet Fleet. Ironically, the fact that the craft was made from buffalo skins and the Soviet observation crews could not see the colour brown meant that these skills were not needed. On April 12th, 1953, the craft landed and Cooter-hooch Butch Jackson planted the Confederate flag in the moon (The civil war had been won by the Confederates a year earlier). To celebrate the two Confedanauts cooked a Barbeque, drank hard liquor and played country music. The country music immediately alerted the nearby Soviet moon base, as sentries heads began to asplode (Soviet sentries were trained to hear sound in vacuum). The Soviet Rocketwing Moon Cosmonaut, Mig-15S fighters and a Three-Phase Plasma Gun scout were send to eliminate the threat. They returned with the hogs and alligators to supplement their food stocks (which were comprised entirely of recycled sewage at this time) and reported the courageous defence put up by the southernners, who were armed only with sporks.
Glorious Universal Soviet Rule
After it was found that Moon Gophers disliked high voltage electricity, those with force powers (excluding force poke) within the Soviet Galactic Empire rose to prominence and occasionally the title of Emperor was bestowed upon them.
By 1968, the Soviet Armada had exterminated all other intelligent species other than humans within the universe. Stalin Jr. was decreed Glorious Ruler of the Universe, and all planets discovered were named after him, sometimes making interstellar navigation difficult. The Soviets finally had achieved their goal of surplus Vodka supplies by 1989, ensuring their continued well-being for another 347 years, until Peak Vodka was reached in 2336 and the UFC occured. It was this year a new leader, Emperor Putintine, would enter the political spectrum. Unfortunately he would be the one that initiated the worst possible financial reforms and began the UFC.