User:Nuclear cookout

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Real Name: [classified]
Age: [access denied]
Gender: Male
Member since: September 4, 2007
Occupation: Your future master, funsmith (I create fun, yes), hunter of wild vampire potatoes
Special Abilities: Enhancing weapons so they can level cities, grue taming, Force-fueled striking ability
Favorite Article: Probably this.
Least Favorite Thing: Liberal mindset
Weight: Between 100 and 220,000lbs
Weapon(s) of Choice: Desert Eagle, minigun, 20mm anti-armor rifle, 18-wheeler-mounted Phalanx CIWS, various overly-powerful explosives, etc

(officially nuclear_cookout or Nuclear Cookout)

[noo klee'ər cook òwt] n.

“That boy...he's really somethin'.”

~ Marlon Brando on Nuclear Cookout

“How did he know I can get nutritional benefit from solid steel?”

~ Chuck Norris on Nuclear Cookout

“It was unlike anything I've ever encountered.”

~ Jack Bauer on Nuclear Cookout's pet acklay


~ Link on Nuclear Cookout's acklay as it was attacking Hyrule

“It's pronounced NU-CLEAR! Not nu-cu-lar, NUCLEAR! NUUUCLEEEAAARRR!!!!”

~ Nuclear Cookout on the pronunciation of his name

“Is this stuff for real or is it just a big heapin' steamin' nutty-brown pile of bull[censored]?”

~ Kenny Rogers on Nuclear Cookout's personal history

“I have never been this scared in my entire life. Well, I take that back. I did meet Hillary Clinton once.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Nuclear Cookout

“Nuclear Cookout, (Pause for dramatic effect) You are my father. ”

~ Jaydough on Nuclear Cookout

Nuclear Cookout, or "Nuke", is a ~20y/o guy who enjoys the occasional random and idiosyncratic read. Actually, he enjoys it on a regular basis, but whatever.

He's read Uncyclopedia articles for some time now, and almost always gets a laugh. He finally decided to join in order to contribute, and, um, stuff.

Early Life

Nuclear Cookout was born on [classified] the [classified]th, 19[classified], in the town of [classified], Texas. It is said that he was born with a Desert Eagle in one hand and a grenade in the other, but the validity of this is debatable[1].

Most of his childhood centered around making things explode, or making things that could explode. By the age of two, Nuke was already drawing schematics for a crude Teller-Ulam Fusion Bomb. By the age of three, he had created a miniature nuclear pencil explosive[2]. At the age of five, Nuke began building a small BMP-1 APC/tank, which he completed by age six and used to terrorize the local bullies[3]. Around age 9, he successfully launched his own satellite into orbit, but it quickly lost altitude and crashed into an autonomous smurf region in Japan, instantly killing 3,400. The large amounts of highly enriched plutonium in the satellite's battery led to the deaths of 12,500 more individuals in the following weeks[4].

Teen Years

When Nuke reached 13, he began his own organization bent on conquering the world. The venture started off quite successfully, gathering 1.7 million members by the time he turned 14. Right as he was about to initiate his attacks, his archnemesis Captain Planet surreptitiously entered a virus into his computer network. The virus caused his "Initiate" signal to become a signal that stated "Give up and go home, as this is a totally pointless waste of your time. Save the trees." The environmentalist population tripled during the next 5 months, and Nuke dove into a period of inactivity that lasted 2 years[5].

By 16, however, his thirst for conquest was rekindled after having watched Sledge Hammer on DVD[6]. This ended rapidly when he nearly lost a leg in an IED attack by none other than Captain Planet himself. That malevolent act was the last straw for Nuke[7].

The War with Captain Planet

Captain Planet Conflict
Date ?/??/20??
Location Al Gore’s estate
Result Captain Planet’s surrender
Nuclear Cookout Captain Planet
Nuclear Cookout Captain Planet


Army of Nuclear Cookout
  • 22,000 soldiers
  • Many tanks, jets, missiles, etc
Captain Planet’s Army
  • Numerous “Green” tanks and other armaments
A few soldiers Elmo
  • Large number of soldiers
  • Dissolution of C. Planet’s Organization

Nuke had become furious by the fact that Mr. Planet was always after him and his marvelous toys. At age 17, Nuke gathered a small army of 22,000 men. Combined with his collection of ground vehicles, jets, and ICBM's[8], he launched a surprise assault on Captain Planet's fortress, which just so happened to be on Al Gore's large estate. Gore was at a Global Warming rally during the violent insurrection, so he didn't get the chance to complain about the resulting engine exhaust, contamination by weaponized chemicals, and radioactive fallout[9], until he got back home a week later. Captain Planet, who had recently been promoted to Lieutenant Colonel, was playing cards with his good friend and fellow radical environmentalist Elmo when the first bombing wave began. The attack had already crippled his electricity-powered air units, but his undergound bunker containing E85 Ethanol-fueled battle tanks had been untouched. The battle raged for 4 days straight. Due to Nuke's superior diesel-powered army, and willingness to allow a few animals to die via radiation, L.C. Planet surrendered[10]. Elmo was not so lucky, as he stepped on a landmine and was bedridden for 3 weeks. He later died from his wounds and a drug overdose.

A Second Home and a New Friend

A few months after the victory against Lieutenant Colonel Planet, Nuke started to travel abroad. One place in particular caught his eye: Svalbard. This pleasant cluster of islands in the Arctic Ocean was the perfect place for Nuke to build a second home. On the 4th day of construction, Nuke was approached by an Arctic grue. Initially terrified, Nuke found this grue to be quite friendly. After feeding it a polar bear cub and a few old sparkplugs, the grue came to love Nuke, who then named it Christopher. Christopher happened to be a very intelligent grue; so much so that he frequently retrieved the correct tools when Nuke needed them, brought the newspaper to the doorstep every day, and even helped Nuke solve a mathematical equation that aided the native Svalbardians...Svalbardese...the locals in developing antimatter reactors. Whenever the time came for Nuke to travel back to his 9,500-acre ranch in Texas, Nuke would take Christopher along with him[11]. Christopher generally didn't feel well for the first day or two in the much warmer climate (which could get up to 560º Rankine in the Summer), but he adapted very nicely afterwards. The friendship between Nuke and Christopher would continue for many years.

Battle for Svalbard

Battle of Svalbard
Date ?/??/20??
Location Svalbard, Norway
Result Captain Crunch’s defeat
Nuclear Cookout Captain Crunch’s Armada
Nuclear Cookout Captain Crunch†
Nuclear Cookout himself Captain Crunch himself
  • Numerous soldiers
  • Many amphibious ships
  • Alchemy
Numerous Svalbardians Captain Crunch
  • Breakup of Crunch’s armada

About one year after building his second home, things were very peaceful at the Svalbard archipelago. That is, until HE came. HE happened to be Captain Crunch, a malicious pirate who roamed the seas for places he could pillage, and people he could slaughter (and sometimes eat). He always began his attacks by plowing his ship into the first building he planned to loot. Sometimes, the first building was a decent distance inland, but he achieved this feat via the use of jet engines on his craft. After breaching the targeted structure, Crunch would "crunchitize" any hapless victims inside. "Crunchitizing" was his definition of incinerating someone on the spot with a plasma-thrower (crunchitization could also be accomplished by feeding prisoners into his ship's atomic furnace). One day, while Nuke was playing Grand Theft Auto[12] with some of his friends, Crunch plowed his vessel into the house. Thinking quickly, Nuke evacuated everyone inside before Crunch had the chance to do his sinister deeds. The rest of Crunch's fleet ravaged the Svalbard countryside, pillaging, slaughtering, and burning as they went. While running to his AC-130 with his friends, Nuke noticed something: Christopher was missing. Back in the house, Christopher was silently watching Crunch rummaging through his master's things, frequently breaking them. As Crunch leaned over to pick up a shiny new dime, Christopher attacked. He immediately ate-off one of Crunch's arms, but Crunch quickly swatted him into a wall. Using his mastery of alchemy, Crunch constructed a robotic replacement to use until he could replenish his strength with cereal and grow a new one. Nuke busted in and, seeing his little friend on the floor, unsheathed his sword[13] and attacked Crunch, who then transmuted his own sword from the floor and blocked Nuke's attack. The massive swordfight led upstairs, into the attic, and finally onto the roof, where Crunch was gaining the upper hand. As Crunch was about to deal the final blow, the ghost of Ronald Reagan said "Use the Force, Nuke" inside Nuke's head[14]. The empowered Nuke then pimpslapped Captain Crunch so hard that not only did the shockwave register as a 4.5 on the Richter scale, Crunch was sent careening into the thermosphere at Mach 83, where he vaporized in the intense high-altitude heat[15]. Crunch's navy, after witnessing their leader's horrible (yet entertaining) demise, they promptly gave up and helped rebuild the things they destroyed, including issuing formal apologies to everyone affected by the invasion. The following victory celebration lasted 2 weeks, partly due to the fact that Nuke ordered many thousands of tons of party snacks, much more than was needed[16].

Current Life

Now around 20-ish (he won't specify), Nuke spends most of his time modifying aircraft designs, building model ships, typing, helping with reconstruction efforts in Japan's autonomous smurf region, and ceaselessly posting nonsense on internet forums (which he claims to do "f0r t3h lulz"). He is seeking a girlfriend, and would actually be making progress if he'd get off his lazy butt and get out of the house once in a while. Actually, that isn't true, and I'm not just saying that because he has the coordinates of my house and is "suggesting" using "necessary measures". Nuke is nice man with happy feelings...all of the time![17]


"They're always after me lucky bombs!"

  • “Dude, can I c yur lucky bombs? k thx bai. ”

    ~ Jaydough on Nuclear Cookout

Random Facts/Trivia

  • He has been called "Nuclear Cookie" before. It is advised that you refrain from doing this, as it drives him into a murderous frenzy
  • He likes nuclear explosions
  • He likes pie
  • He is a high-ranking general in the violence- and randomness-based Random Insanity Union
  • He has a pet rock (lump of radioactive pitchblende) named Sizzles
  • He is a 24 addict
  • Rankine = Fahrenheit + 459.67 or (Celsius + 273.15) x 1.8
  • He wrote the Texas article

Random City

Refresh the page and see a different Swedish city!



  1. Some of the doctors present during his birth have stated that they did indeed see him holding some metal objects, but others in the room claim they were high on pipeweed.
  2. 0.2 Kiloton yield.
  3. Many of them now reside in mental institutions.
  4. 15,700 more died over the following year due to cancer, leukemia, and birth defects.
  5. Nuke claims that this was the worst and most boring period of time in his life. All he did was sit at his computer and type.
  6. Nuke actually met Sledge and helped him overthrow a drug empire in Guatamala a week later.
  7. C. Planet, believing Nuke was dead, made the mistake of completely ending any investigations or surveillance of Nuke's past locations. This mistake would lead to his downfall.
  8. Notable armament: 319 M1-A1 Abrams, 367 M1-A3 Bradleys, 403 Strykers, 54 F-23 aircraft, 62 FA-18 aircraft, 32 Minuteman III ICBM's, 288 Patriot missiles, 55 Nike-Hercules ICBM's
  9. Resulting from said contamination were numerous mutant subspecies of animals, one in particular was comprised of voracious deer that had stingers, eight scythe-tipped legs, 2 racks of pointy antlers, three rows of razor-sharp teeth, five eyes, and a thirst for fresh meat. Gore was attacked 7 weeks later by a member of this subspecies, but survived.
  10. He worked as a bodyguard for a German crime boss afterwards.
  11. Along with being a good companion, Christopher kept the varmint population down.
  12. Grand Theft Auto: Mushroom Kingdom
  13. The rare Hattori Hanzo kind.
  14. He later appeared and said "Way to kick Crunch's butt, Nuke...oh, the Force will be with you. Always.".
  15. Blowtorch-like heat isn't fun. Crunch would attest to that if he was still alive.
  16. Consisting mainly of: 3,375 tons of pizza, 3,572 tons of curly fries, 1,540 tons of hot wings, 2,823 tons of tacos, 4,302 tons of various pies, 3,995 tons of fried chicken, and 726 tons of fried oysters.
  17. Kung Pow reference


List of Nuke's userboxes
No hammer and sickle.PNG This user is an

... and is unabashedly American!

This user is left-handed.
In Latin they would be sinister.
(List of left-handed Uncyclopedians)

... This user would be a professional procrastinator, but he or she can't be bothered.
DramaticQuestionMark.png This user can also be found elsewhere on the internet.
Texas flag.jpg This user is from Texas.
May secede if provoked!
This user is a Sniper and has his/her rifle pointing at your head.
File:Merc.jpg This user is a Mercenary and chooses their own wars to fight in.
This user is your future master.
1337 This user is 1337 , and really knows where his stuff is.
Assassin.JPG This user is an assassin, and can kill you anywhere you go from in the shadows. Fear this user.

Crystal Clear app kcmdf.png This user likes red, blue, and green boxes...I guess.
GR Grammar Nazi,
4.SS-Division (mot.) Uncyclingpädie
Head on.gif

HeadOn, apply directly to the forehead! HeadOn, apply directly to the forehead! HeadOn, apply directly to the forehead! HeadOn, available at Walgreens.

--Nuclear cookout 16:34, 26 October 2007 (UTC)