User:Ogopogo/Swiss Army Knife

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The new F-model Swiss army knife. Currently used by guys that have no chance with real women.

The Swiss Army Knife also known as the The Holy Blade of Heaven or simply Stabby is an ancient artifact with great and mysterious powers that rival that of Chuck Norris and Big Boss put together. It is also what caused the Big Bang and the lesser known Big Gang Bang. It was used by God to smite the dinosaurs after Godzilla chewed up his slippers.

Tools in a Swiss Army Knife[edit]

It's tools are OVER 9,000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • knife
  • another knife
  • corkscrew, to screw people. A feature frequently used by the Mafia.
  • chainsaw
  • machine gun
  • flamethrower
  • kryptonite
  • emergency condom
  • a potato
  • Wii
  • a Rubik's cube, to blow people's heads up
  • Nigga bike repellant, to prevent bike theft. See Nigga stole my bike for details.
  • a copy of Hellsing Ova 9(which isn't even made yet)
  • Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick
  • sith lightning generator
  • baby seal repellant
  • nuclear missile
  • Elvis's disembodied talking head
  • anal probe, a feature that is popular among grey aliens
  • the zanpaku known as Ryujin Jakka
  • the three unforgivable curses
  • Trogdor's lair
  • The death star
  • Chuck Norris
  • tentacle plant
  • Chloroform beta
  • Pocket Necronomicon
  • Infinite-Ropes-in-a-Box (TM), patent pending
  • Hello Kitty vibrator
  • Goodbye Kitty vibrating blade
  • jumbo roll of duct tape
  • fortune cookie
  • Do a Barrel Roll!
  • Luigi's GCN controller
  • cell phone
  • computer
  • C4
  • Zeeky H. Bomb
  • H.A.M.M.E.R.
  • Gender-changing necklace
  • Learjet
  • Bazooka
  • Meteos-In-A-Box(tm), patent pending


  • Use by surgeons, to perform micro-surgeries
  • Use by hotel staff and other room guests, as a pass-key
  • According to the FAA: Use by Swiss terrorists (along with plastic sporks and knitting needles) to destroy the American way of life.
  • Warfare.
  • Sexual Intercourse.
  • The Vatican, to smite the evil blasemy that plagues this world.
  • To whack the douchebag next to you
  • Emos, go ahead.
  • Use in case of a zombie invasion.
  • And other stuff that you can think of. That's right, there's that many.

Swiss Armyphile[edit]

This turns you on doesn't it? You're a dirty dirty boy.

Because of the the Swiss Army knife's infamous popularity, many people developed a sexual fetish for anything pointy and that has many tools. Apparently the more corkscrews a Swiss Army knife has, the more it is deemed sexy. But it sure is a hellava lot better than the fat fetish and vore doesn't make any fuckin' sense.

^What!?!?!? Vore makes a shitload of sense! Go read Spy Games.

Preceded by:
a rock
Universal Tool
Succeeded by:
Light saber