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GTA: Baghdad Stories

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Another installment from the well-known Rockstar Games which takes place in Baghdad ( contrary to a popular rumor circulated that the game will take place in Baghmom), iRaq. Rockstar was forced to develop the game in a 2 square meter chamber under tight CIA surveillance after fans discovered that Grand Theft Auto: Baghdad is actually Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas after playing it for ten years, thus resulting in the 2012 siege of Rockstar Studio. And Rockstar is not a person whose father's name is Dick Games.


GTA: Baghdad Stories follows the journey of Abdul Qadir Muthawaslah ibn Abu Idris al-Zawathiri (we'll call him Abdul from now. Yeah, I know.), an asshole living in a cave, as he struggles to get a life other than writing pathetic, pointless articles parodying a game in Uncyclopedia, fight the local gangsters, and finally, be the third crowned king of the Galactic Empire of iRaq (which is impossible, since technically an empire can only have an emperor).

The timeline is set in parallel with GTA: Baghdad, in line with the 2000 year-old tradition of Rockstar game-making formula.

NOTE: If I were to write an entire storyline for a Grand Theft Auto game, I better AM getting my 150000 Dollars!!! Or 5000000 Dinars, whichever comes first.


Still in line with the 2000 years, 3 minutes, 55.5433 seconds-old tradition of game-making formula (which also saves time and money useful for crack parties, which is also in line with the tradition), Rockstar made the game's control layouts exactly the same as previous GTA games, with the exception for the Playstation ® 4 version, in which the complex combination of R1+R2+L2+L3+up,down,up,down will result in the main character whacking off, or humping a camel if there is one nearby.

The game provides a fucking lot of things to do for the players, even so that you won't be able to do everything in the game before Jesus comes back to earth. Twice. And a third time to try to pull you away from the console, after your mom prayed day and night and offered to give up her virginity to Jesus, an offer which was turned down (politely) by Jesus for a number of (obvious) reasons.

A list of some things you can do in GTA: Baghdad Stories[edit]

  • Camel humping
  • Hobo-killing
  • Poor-skinny-african-guy-from-that-scene-in-"Blackhawkdown"-killing
  • Self-killing
  • Camel humping
  • Camel trafficking (camel traffick-jamming is also possible)
  • Camel laundering
  • "Ho" hiring
  • "Camel-ho" hiring
  • "Jihad" shouting
  • Peeing
  • Peeing on camels
  • Drive-by (on camel)
  • Camelfucking (lvl.2 Camel humping)
  • "Finger" showing at Jesus
  • camel PIMPIN'

No, you can't kill camels in this game, you Sick Bastard.


The game features a number of authentically-designed vehicles which the player can hijack, blow up, modify, or sell at eBay. Here is a complete list of them:

  • Dromedaries-indulge in the desert sun in this two-seated desert luxury.
  • Bactrians-indulge in the desert sun with your family in this four-seated desert luxury.
  • pushcarts-the newest from Al-Honda, zip along the desert views with this 80.000 horsepower stallion.
  • Imaginary horses-licensed from Monty Python, also comes with coconuts carried by, this time, Arabian Swallows.
  • Armed pickups-someone decided to randomly install 50cal.machine guns on the pickups of peace-loving iRaqi citizens one night. This was believed to be the cause of World War II.
  • Armed fuckups-Nuff said.
  • Propaganda pickups-a pickup with a scarved man who keeps yelling in Arabic when driven, rather useless until said man is pwned.
  • Tripods-Al-Qaeda is running low on funds, so they picked a less costlier alternative to human-made tanks. Tom Cruise and freakin'-cool death ray not included.
  • M1025 Humvee-very useless, with GM engines, 12.7 mm machine gun, bulletproofing, skid tires, oh my.
  • M1 Abrams-another useless invention of mankind, honestly, it's just pure waste to put those sweet cannons on tracks. Why not give them to the Guv'nor instead?
  • "Fat Man" bomb-ever seen anyone ride on this? Well, this is the FIRST TIME you get to experience it yourself! Enjoy hours of doomsday-ish fun!!! NOTE-Dr. Strangelove mode must be on.
  • Flying pink elephants-buy a few of those "stuff" from your local distributor, inhale, and these nifty things will spawn on your back yard!
  • the Popemobile-a return
  • Flying camels-ok, turn off your computer now. you're either high on crack or Hillary Duff. In the former case, go to the local rehab center. In the latter, slit your wrists. NOW.


No weapons = no killing = no mankind. It's as simple as that.

  • AK-47-now comes in menthol and coffee flavor! Over 11 million sold worldwide! Available at your local megastore bent on world domination.
  • Handgun-not much is known about this archaic weapon, except that it's invented by a redneck who got bored of his old neighbor. And that you should keep the hole away from your head.
  • Uzi-Ozzy's evil twin, separated at birth.
  • Versatile biological automated apparatus-A.K.A "Hand". Known for its versatility, thus is the popular tool for solitary pleasure.
  • Fucking enormous Arabian sword-name explains everything. Press L3 to throw at a random person's crotch.
  • Rock-Yes, the mythical weapon of the (not-so-mythical) Bulgarian warrior Ilajktu Jerkoff becomes a usable weapon in this game. Each of these was handcrafted by God, and has the phenomenonical ability to Kill Two Birds at Once. Throwing these at someone will result in death if the victim's lucky, or a severe rare mental illness known as IGPBARS (I Got Pwned By A ROCK Syndrome) in which the sufferer will yell "Quit it!" Incessantly until he turns into a vegetative state. Upon detonation, the Rock is also known to destroy half a large city, as had happened in Pompeii, 25 miles south of New York.-IT'S TRUE
    • It also stars in The Scorpion King, and Doom.
    • This weapon is only available upon the completion of mission #25:"Let's Sit on That Grassy Knoll and See that L337 Heatshot Lord in Action"
  • Bomb jacket-the current clothing fad sweeping over the middle east, worn by over 60% of the males. It is believed that this is caused by the "machismo effect" of the clothing. In this game, you can pull the ripcord just like a parachute, which will express-mail you to the land of 40 male virgins. No, not the nursery home you sick bastard.


The main protagonist. Expectedly kickass, and also expectedly has a Moustache of Death, although in the course of the game the player can opt for the Beard of Death or the Pubic Hair of Death instead. Recently diagnosed as having "camelophilia". Let's not talk about that.

Oscar Wilde, along with the Pope vowed to never pronounce his full name. I followed suit.

Qasim Rijad Al-Samini
Abdul's "best friend". At least he's not a camel (or so I thought he wasn't). Like 90% of the human population, he likes to sniff crack. His other hobby is getting shot, preferably in the tender backside.

Isn't that why he's Arab in the first place? Ariel Sharon 11.44, September 11, 2001 (WTC)
STFU n00B t3h_90|) 03.15, December 24, 2052 (UTC)
*cries in corner* Ariel Sharon 11.50, January 14, 2110 (UTC)

General Reeves
The commander of the United States of Zimbabweland army in Iraq, which in turn leads the Coalition army (which in turn leads Martian slaves) in Operation Iraqi Freedom (Known as Operation Iraqi French outside America). Some fans complain that he's too tough of a boss character to beat, bullet dodging and kungfu and all, but some hardcore gamers have found a surefire way, which is by repeatingly shoving a finger to his ass, made possible by the elusive spawn jetpack code. Damn this game's philosophical.

Oh yeah, he likes to sniff crack, too.

George W. Bush Occasionally visits Iraq to see his puny underlings at work (and sometimes for the cheap camels.). Killing this guy will result in a time paradox leading to an alternate universe where apes never evolve into human