User:Roman Dog Bird/Les Claypool

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Note: This is merely for archival purposes. I am a fan of Les Claypool (mostly Primus, but I dig his latest solo album), and the material below was once on the Les Claypool page we had, that has since been deleted. It's actually one-time Wikipedia vandalism that was sporked over from there to here for the sake of having it somewhere, I guess. And why not? It's hilarious. At least I think so. Fuck you. Enjoy.

Les Claypool enjoys Nachos. I know this as I seen him eat some once. Les Claypool also enjoys pizza. Les Claypool is know to spend days locked in his closet listening to spoken-word cd's by Drew Carey. Les also has no hearing in his left ear, the loss was due to a scuba diving accident, in which his ear was bitten off by a shark. Les does a lot of coke, but not as much as Ler.

After Les' cocaine addiction came to a cataclysmic peak in 2004 during a live show in Narnia, during a performance with a lion where Les and the lion argued fervently about who was entitled to the last rip of crizzle (a form of smokable cocaine and Meunster cheese), Les was urged to take his newly formed band, Les Claypool does Cocaine, on a nationwide tour of high school gymnasiums with Drew Carey*, his former cocaine dealer and one-time comedian. During this tour entitled, 'Les Goes Back To School', at the gymnasium of Columbine High, a school in Littleton, CO, his performance caused two students, Dylan Harris and Eric Klebold, to go on an unprovoked, hours-long horrific rampage. It was later determined that this rampage was, in Eric's final words, the result of Les Claypool's refusal to play a cover of Marilyn Manson's cover of 'Sweet Dreams', an 80s hit by the band Eurythmics, a two-member team consisting of some lady with orange hair and her dorky boyfriend. It is because of this that Les Claypool, the Eurythmics, Drew Carey, Aslan the Lion and Marilyn Manson are forbidden by the Littleton, CO Chamber of Commerce to ever perform 'Sweet Dreams' within a 15-mile radius of Littleton, CO or face consequences including but not limited to exile on main street, a bus ride to Brooklyn without sleep and a 5-year, strict, non-dairy diet.

  • note: This is not the same Drew Carey from the venerable 90s semi-popular sit-com that is now in sydication on many low-budget TV channels in second-tier markets around the US and various Latin countries south of the equator.